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 Author has written 5 stories for Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and Greek Mythology. Hi I'm Johnny Jim Doe and welcome to my profile. I don't post much but I'm hoping to start doing this more often. Here is some info about me Key Info: Name: Johnny Jim Doe Gender: Male Age: 18 Relationship: Single Favourite Sport: Fencing Favourite Movies:HTTYD & HTTYD 2, Lord of The Rings (All), Hobbit (All), Star Wars (All), Avengers(all), Thor(All) Favourite TV Shows: Dragons, Riders of Berk, Defenders of Berk, RTTE, Big Bang Theory, Friends, Star Wars Clone Wars, Top Gear(Original), Mythbusters, ETC Favourite Books: Adventure Series (Willard Price), Star Wars EU, Inheritance Cycle (Christopher Paolini), Hobbit & LOTR (J.R.R.Tolkien), Footrot Flats, ETC Favourite Computer Games: AOE I, AOE II, AOE III, AOM, AOM Expanded, TF2, PS2, Medieval 2 Total War, Rome Total War, Plague Inc, Minecraft, ETC Favourite Non-Computer Game: TBBT Party Game, Monopoly, Risk, ETC Favourite Apps: Clash of Clans, DomiNations, Boom Beach, Clash Royale & 2048 Religious Status: Atheist Favourite Songs: 21(Hunter Hayes), Storm Warning(Hunter Hayes), Yesterday's Song(Hunter Hayes) Favourite Youtubers: Dude Perfect, Screen Rant, HISHE & Cinema Sins Future Career: Billionaire Kennedy and Lincoln Have an American history teacher explain this… if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Lyndon and Andrew both have six letters. Lincoln and Kennedy both have seven letters. Hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'. Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'. Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher 38 Things to do in an Elevator 1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5. Meow occasionally. 6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly. 7. Say "DING!" at each floor. 8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons. 9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on." 11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space." 14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them. 16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?" 18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!" 19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 21. Swat at flies that don't exist. 22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it. 23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off. 24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you. 25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently. 28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it. 29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..." 30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't. 31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer. 32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting. 33. Ask, "Did you feel that?" 34. Tell people that you can see their aura. 35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..." 38. If someone looks at you, scream, "I swear! I only meant to knock him out for a little bit!" How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. When caught sleeping at school or work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!" 5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana 7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'. 9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!' 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity . Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile Funny Sayings “If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” “I’m not worried about artificial intelligence taking over the world. I’m worried about real stupidity destroying the world." “If we get lost can we go in triangles, not circles?" “I have a life, I just choose not to use it.” “I’m a pyrotechnition. If you see me running, try to keep up.” “You, laugh at me, because I'm crazy, I laugh at you, because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!” “Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?” “Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?” “Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!” “Education is important, school however, is another matter.” “Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.” “You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?” “Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?” “We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.” “I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?” “They say ‘Guns don't kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.That depends on whether you’re in a nursing home or not.” “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” “Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!” “If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.” “Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…” “If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.” “Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.” “Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.” “Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.” “Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.” “There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.” “Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.” “I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” “I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.” “You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.” “Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.” “When life throws you lemons, cut ’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.” When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.” “When life throws you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.” “When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them." “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.” "Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge." "The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming." "Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head." "I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again." “Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss." "The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45." "Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you’ve been good this year… he died laughing." "Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." "If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurtling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurtling to earth." “There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’" “It’s not dead till you poke it with a stick.” “Fire is a good servant, but a terrible master.” “There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.” “Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.” Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.” “I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!” “Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?” “I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.” “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” “It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.” “He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.” “A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.” “Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” “I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.” “Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.” “Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.” “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” “If you're going through hell, keep going.” “To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.” “Would you like a side of epic with that fail?” “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” “Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.” “When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.” “There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.” “The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” “Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.” “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.” “I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.” “Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.” “Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?” “All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.” “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?” “They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.” “Do not drink and drive--you might spill the drink.” “When life gives you lemons say “screw you” and go find an orange.” “Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” “A word to the wide isn’t necessary--it’s the stupid people that need the advice.” “Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.” “Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.” “Cross country skiing is great if you have a small counrty.” "Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” “Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.” “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” “How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” “I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” “I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.” "I don’t forgive people because im weak. I forgive people because I’m strong enough to realize that everyone makes mistakes." "By the power vested in me, I now pronouce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!" "If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question." "You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!" "Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle." "Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble." “Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk." "Three out of two people have trouble with fractions." "Best friends. We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it." "We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends." "I’ll always be beside you, until the very end, wiping all your tears away, and being your best friend. I’ll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I’ll cry too." "Friends help you with your crack addiction. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you." "Friends knock on your door and call your parents Mrs. and Mr. Good friends simply open the door and call your parents Mom and Dad. Best friends show up in your room with no warning whatsoever.” "Got acne? Just ask your girlfriend what to do. Oh, that’s right! You don’t have a girlfriend!” "We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.” "The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus.” "Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.’ " "I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug.” "If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” "If Google didn't exist, we’d all be screwed.” "The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left.” "Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.” "Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either.” "Remember. There’s no I in ‘Team.’ (But there is an M and an E)” "A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read.” "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” "If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.” "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” "How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?” "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.” "It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.” "My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” "I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." -Mr. Garrison, South Park. "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I’m going to mop the floor with you’re face.' I said, 'You’ll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’ " "After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!” "What’s the difference between a northern fairy-tale and a southern fairy-tale? A northern fairy-tale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairy-tale begins 'Ya’ll ain't gonna believe this shit…’ " "Haiku's are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.” "Déjà vu - When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.” "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot.” "What if there were no hypothetical questions?” "Only in America… Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.” "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.” "People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.” "What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.” "How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!” "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.” "Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.” "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, door.” "Why is it in the U.S.: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There’s a naked person outside!’ ” "English people have different ways of saying things. We say 'elevator' they say 'lift.' We say 'president' they say 'stupid psychopathic git.' " "This is AMAZING! Why is it free?!” “I was wondering why I had to catch the ball, then it hit me" "A thousand memories I took for granted, always assuming there would be a thousand more" If you need a smile on your face read these... The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up. I've got ADHD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have. Is it time for your medication or mine? Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot! A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a girlfriend/boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends grab those knives and stab those bastards back for you. A good friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you're slightly cracked- Bernard Meltzer Friends are relatives you make for yourself- Gustache Deschamps Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs 1- Pro 0. To put it nicely, I hope you choke Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them. It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn. You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear. I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. Though we were quite surprised Stupidity was able to do it. Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness. I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight. Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over. Real friends don't let you do stupid things--alone. 15 Great Sayings 1.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a punishment for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like. . . well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile See that girl you just called fat? She is starving herself. I got this from Precognitive Deathboy. One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.' He looked at me and said, 'Hey, thanks!' There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!' He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. 'Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began, 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realise it's depth. Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.) On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits." (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Wow. That's really helpful) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Aw, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (No! Really? We're supposed to eat food!?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?) On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion). On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos!: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (the shoplifter special?) On a Korean knife: “Keep out of children.” (I should fucking hope so!) Boeing 757: "Fragile. Do not drop."(That means you, Hulk! Put that fucking airplane down, you might drop it!) Scoop-able cat litter: "Safe to use around pets." (Again, I should fucking hope so!) Baby oil: "Keep out reach of children." (Good thing babies aren't children, isn't it!) Hair colouring: "Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yeah. My grandmother died because she thought my hair dye was ice-cream topping and put it in a sundae) Komatsu Floodlight: "This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark." (OMG!! That's as amazing as a newsreader reading the news!) Earplugs: "These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.) RCA television remote control:"Not dishwasher safe." (Did someone do this once...?) Road sign: "Caution: water on road during rain." (No. Duh. Sherlock.) FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella. BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN BITCH RUN!' FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS! FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!" FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore/Cry with you. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial. FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue." FRIENDS: Return your stuff right away. BEST FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours. FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story... FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME." FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell. FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (a.k.a. drinking buddies) BEST FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch, drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste." FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you. BEST FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out! FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world. BEST FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what's wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better! FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours. BEST FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out. FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy (or girl) rejects you. BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him (or her) and say 'It's because you're gay isn't it?' FRIENDS: Will be there for you when (s)he breaks up with you. BEST FRIENDS: Will call him (her) up and whisper, "Seven days..." FRIENDS: Won't tell the cops when you kill somebody BEST FRIENDS: Will help you hide the body FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter. BEST FRIENDS: Will re-post this crap! This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is retard cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat. Okay now go back and read the THIRD WORD in each sentence and I promise you wont be able to resist to put this on your profile. The Situation in Hell The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A*." Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just Get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
93 percent of teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" repost this. I'm Sorry I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you I'm sorry that I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy" I'm sorry that I am actually nice; and not a jerk I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy. I'm sorry That I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date I'm sorry That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out, you went home with another guy I'm sorry That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend I'm sorry If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around I'm sorry If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work I'm sorry that you can't realise...I've been the one all along. I'm sorry If you read this and know somebody like this but don't care But most of all: I'm sorry For not being sorry anymore I'm sorry That you can't accept me for who I am I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world. I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for... I'm sorry That I told you I loved you and actually meant it. I'm sorry That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family. I'm Sorry That I cared... I'm sorry that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different. Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?" Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you, eyes twinkling, smiling at you, hoping, just hoping for you to look up. If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry' If you're a girl and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realise These Things' 1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I have a scar on my chest from a piece of corrugated iron and a scar on my knee from some barnacles while swimming. 2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM Not all that much, a pin board where I keep stuff, a mirror and thats about it. 3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? I talk in my sleep, though I never remember what I said. I also snore if I sleep on my back. 4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? I don't have any set personal preference, I just listen to what catches my eye(or is it my ear?) 5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 4:50 pm 6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Peace and quiet 7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? - 8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? I don't have one. 9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? Not sure 10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? only in large crowds. 11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Yes, my whole life, and I'm scared of heights and spiders. I also have a slight phobia of swimming in the sea as I am terrified of sharks, drowning, and octopuses. 12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY An idiot at my school 13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? I don't know all that much about female personal hygiene brands 14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE GENDER? Brown hair and blue eyes 15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING? No idea, definitely not in public. That just makes me think that the person, if they say yes, is sort of being forced into it by the people around them, and if they say no, the proposer basically gets rejected in front of a load of people and it's EXTREMELY AWKWARD 16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Coffee 17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING? Ham 18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? CHOCOLATE!!!!! 20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? No 21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? No idea 22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? Yes 24. FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND? None 26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? Yes. 27. WHAT KIND IS IT? Cat 28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Worse, they stuck around and are gay as well so no chance of ever dating them and yes I have liked someone who left as well. 29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Tell them straight up, you don't want to lose them to someone else or travel or some other 30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 13 31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Brunettes all the way. 32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? My dad. 33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? When people lie to save their own skin or break promises 34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF YOUR HOME COUNTRY? Yes, in all I have been to over twenty different countries 35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? I never know when to cut my losses, I always give people one more chance as I never know where to draw the line in the sand 36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Yes, probably, but I probably never realised it 37. FIRST JOB? Warehouse. 38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Surprisingly, never 41.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT? FANFICTION 40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? I believe so, yes 42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? Being smart and sensible 43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? About to get them 44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Time with my family, happily 45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? 3, twin boy and girl, and another boy. 47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No 49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? - 50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Oh, hell no 51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? I don't really care... 52. ANY BAD HABITS? Too smart for my own good sometimes... 53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? I honestly don't have any CD's on my shelf, if I want to listen to something I just watch it on youtube. 54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Honestly, no. I am not a very social person. I don't feel the need to gossip and stuff with people so I generally just don't. Plus it means I'm less likely to get hurt when my friends abandon me. It has happened a lot in the past. 56. DO LOOKS MATTER? Not really. I won't judge somebody because they look a certain way. 57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? All hail the punching bag 58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My grandmother's house 60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD? No real memory of any favourite toy 61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 3-my mum, my dad, and my brother. 62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? See question fifty. 63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? I am the King of sarcasm!(Not Sarcastic) 65. DESCRIBE THE PERFECT GIRL. Kind, and while beautiful, isn't vain and doesn't really let her appearance shape her. 66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? That, my good sir/madam, is private information. 67. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BAND/SINGER? Pentatonix/Hunter Hayes 68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW? The Big Bang Theory 69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE? No comment. 70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? CHOCOLATE 71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? Yes. I plan on keeping it that way. 72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? I worked out today. 73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #64? No. 74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? like 110 KPH 75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? I don’t care!!! 76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Jet Lag by Simple Plan 77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? WATER. Drink lot's of water Kids! 78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My dad. 79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME GENDER? Their eyes. they tell you a lot about a person 80. FAVOURITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? Invisible by Hunter Hayes. It reminds me about how many kids there are like me, who have been bullied for the majority of there school life. 81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE? No idea 82. FAVOURITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? May 83. FAVOURITE ZODIAC SIGN? GEMINI. Go TWINS!!! 85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR? Deep brown it has been called black but thats only in certain lights 86. EYE COLOUR? brown 89. FAVOURITE FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT? I'm ashamed but McDonalds 90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? Honestly I have never had sushi. I don't think I'd like it though, I'm not that fond of sea food 91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Project Runway 92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Friday the 13th! 93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? Piano and guitar, and not very well 94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? Don't give a 95. KISSES OR HUGS? Hugs, they feel more genuine sometimes... 96. RELATIONSHIPS OR PLAYING THE FIELD? Relationships. 97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Book 98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? Don't have one yet, I'm saving up 99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Black Adder 100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: Never been in a romantic relationship and probably not for some time. 1. Percabeth or Prachel? Prachel(sorry to percabeth fans but annabeth just seems like a prideful bitch at times. Also most people can't write a good percabeth story.) 2. Favourite guy character? Percy Jackson 3. Favourite girl character? Zoë Nightshade 4. Favorite God? Poseidon 5. Favourite Goddess? Artemis or Hestia or Hecate 6. Zeus, Poseidon or Hades? Poseidon 7. Is Luke hot? He could be but he can't control his temper and that ruins him 8. Would you join the hunters? Yes, if I were a girl. Hell, I'd join as a guy any day. 9. Archery or sword fighting? My sport is ritualised sword fighting, take a guess as to my choice. 10. Iris messaging or Hermes express? Iris Messaging 11. Favourite minor God/Goddess? Hestia!(If she counts if not Hecate( Dammit she's a titan) ah well Iris for the win! Go gluten free muffins!) 13. Least favourite? Zeus or Ares or Dionysus 14. Would you live year round at Camp Half-Blood or just go in the summer? I'd swap around, sometimes just summers sometimes year-round 15. Favourite couple? Perzoë 16. Are you a demigod? I'd like to be 17. Who would be your parent? Probs Athena, I'm to smart for my own good but looks wise Hermes of Hera(OH NO The HORROR!) 18. Favourite minor character? Zoë(I'm labelling her as a minor character as she is only in one book) 19. Ethan or Luke? Ethan 20. Favorite monster? Nemean Lion Random Questions If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Over the limit? Random Sarcastic Junk. One day, I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, Then it hit me Two men walk into a bar, The third one ducks. Some people are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright. Some people are like slinkies. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. When someone pisses you off, it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your arms to beat the crap out of them Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust? One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do, kill me? If two wrongs don't make a right...try three. When life gives you lemons, squirt them in the eyes of your enemies. Don't knock on death's door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that! If you leave some flaming crap, kudos to you! My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil. It's better to keep quiet and let someone think you're stupid, than to open your mouth and prove it. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt...then it's hilarious. It's just strange how the evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't. if you talk about me i got some advice. click your heels 3 times and say 'i wish i had a life'! "Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my water." I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned. "The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf." "Nothing worse than getting your pigtails shot off..." "Nobody move! I dropped my brain." "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." "He who laughs last didn't get it." Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice? -When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. -Education is important; school however, is another matter. I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it. -Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up. You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder! -Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message. -Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. Many wondered how Stupidity was able to frame Curiosity. He wasn't called 'Stupidity' for no reason -Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them. -I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist. -If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. -Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters? -Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them? -There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots. -Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed. -High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw. It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face. -People say satire is dead. It’s not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House. -I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. -I do not deny everything. -Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage. -Love me or hate me. Personally I could care less -Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us -Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls. -Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over... Things to Do in an Exam you Already Know That You are Going to Fail: 1.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min. 7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 8. Come down with a BAD case of Torte’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave. 20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave. 23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary. 25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! 27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her. 32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..." 35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect. 38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby. 40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it. 44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam. 45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras. My PJO & HoO Pet Peeves Why do so many people think the Stolls are twins. THEY AREN'T IT SAYS SO IN THE BOOKS. And then there are those that think that because their twins, neither of them are older! I mean seriously, only one head pops out at a time people! Then there those who think Hestia is a goddess of HOPE. SHE IS NOT A GODDESS OF HOPE SHE JUST IS GIVEN HOPE BY PERCY! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS PEOPLE! On the other hand, did you know Hestia is a goddess of Architecture? It's Paul BLOFIS not Blowfish not Blowfis and most certainly not Blofish Also, I mean really? River Synx? Can you not read or write? Also Percy says in TLO that the gods must claim their children by their 13th birthday! NOT 12!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! He is also 12 at the start of the book, not 11? If it is different to the story, specify it! 7 reasons not to mess with kids Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”. Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shalt not kill.” Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ” Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.” Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples. ZEUS You like being in charge. 5/10 POSEIDON You feel at home in the water. 5/10 HADES You’re not that much of a people person. 6/10 DEMETER You own a garden. 4/10 ARES You often start fights. 3/10 ATHENA You have an insatiable thirst for knowledge. 3/10 APOLLO You’re very creative and artistic. 3/10 HUNTER OF ARTEMIS You dislike boys in general. 9/10 HEPHAESTUS You have a way with tools. 1/10 APHRODITE Every guy/girl swoons for you. 0/10 HERMES You like pickpocketing your friends. 7/10 DIONYSUS You’re the life of the party. 0/10 HERA You hate demigods 2/10 HESTIA Never give up hope 10/10 GO HESTIA!! Looks like I am a child of Hestia! Yippee! Wait a moment... She's a maiden goddess. Ah drat! Oh well, I am a Hunter of Artemis. Wait a moment... I'm male. Ah drat! Oh well, Hermes is pretty cool... My Pairings: PJO/HOO: -Perzoe OTP -Pertemis -Frazel -Liper -Perciper -Solangelo -Perianca For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are the first one but not the second. I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. WHAT AM I? Hello everyone. As I am sure you have noticed all of my stories have been discontinued. I have since decided to restart them and at some point I will begin rewriting each individual story once I have a clear idea for myself where I want the story to go. I will be not necessarily be doing this soon but within the next year or so I plan to at least start one story and hopefully two. Au Revoir |
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