Name: Classified

Age: you want to know??

Gender: Male

Nationality: Indian

Favorite Quote: The Imperium of Mankind exists in a universe wherein it is possible to doom an entire planet by masturbating too hard.

Well, I get feed back from reviews so plz do it. Even 1 word reviews are welcomed but i prefer a few criticisms so i can improve my stories.

Anyways, the stories i will be writing is basically Bleach and Harry potter/Pokegirls. As for genres, Adventure is a definite. I will also add some Humor and Romance to spice it up.

Lines from various stories that I found funny

- Tobi is a good boy!

- Art is a bang, un!

- For the harem!

- Cry! Scream! And then, DIE!!

- Screw you guys, I'm going home.

- Respect My Authority.

- I'm back bitches!

-We are not stealing from NASA.

-Or asking the occasionally visiting Sith Lords.

- Buying incendiary long-range weaponry to deal with pests (parents, teachers, sisters etc) is not allowed.

- The first person to buy a nuke and set it off will find out exactly how long it takes to freeze to death.

- OMG it's not dieing.

- Are you serious? That sounds like a bad online dating service.

- Driving a horse off a cliff is fun.

- But riding a Nuke all the way down is even better.

- To get a crazy person to listen, you must also talk crazy.

- Then kill the disobedient ones.-I can’t just kill them.-Torture is a deathless option.

- You’re too loud, DIE.

- You will not exist after this...no we are not kidding...

- Byakugan! "Hey, Naruto..." "Yes, Iruka-sensei?" "You realize that you shouldn't be able to do that...right?" "Umm...no...I didn't know that..." "Yeah... Naruto?" "What is it, Sensei?" "Naruto...you're a Hyuuga..."

- Disintegrate, you black dog of Rondanini! Look upon yourself with horror and then claw out your own throat!

- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.

- The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

STORY- Uninvited guests

- “Okay, fine. You wanna seriously pretend you planned all this? Okay, well… great work. Really. You sure did a bang-up job. You performed a brilliant scheme to get three Espada crippled and thirty Numeros… well, I don’t think ‘killed’ is a strong enough word, really… and our base smashed, all to capture a Captain we DON’T CARE ABOUT and, at the moment, we CAN’T RISK KILLING! And now we have to hold him alive! In our frozen castle! Great plan there, Sosuke! I would applaud you, except you see, TOSHIRO CUT OFF MY HAND!” Gin screamed suddenly, holding up his left hand… with his right hand.

“… well, we have people who can put that back on. Yammy loses a hand like once a week.”

“NOT MY POINT, SOSUKE!” Gin roared. “It’s bad enough that we just got totally schooled by Toshiro Hitsu-freakin’-gaya, but for God’s sake do NOT act like this was some sort of plan, because it wasn’t! Why would you WANT people to think you planned this catastrophic failure?!”

“Well, that’s just it. You see, it only LOOKS like a failure! But when you consider my complete hypnosis…” Aizen said smugly.

“And that’s another thing! Every time I call you on something, you just ignore me and say ‘complete hypnosis’!”

“I have no idea what you mean.” Aizen said calmly. “Oh, and… Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu.”

One complete hypnosis later…

There were no glaciers. There were no corpses. Hitsugaya had been brought down quickly and easily, and Yammy, Szayelapollo, and Zommari had most certainly NOT been beaten into horrible bloody pulps. There were no holes in the fortress… in fact, if one looked, Las Noches actually seemed a little bit cleaner than it had been just a few minutes ago.

Gin blinked a few times. “Um… what’s… huh? What were we talking about?”

“You were about to go get your hand re-attached after you cut it off by tripping over your own sword.” Aizen said smoothly.

“… I… huh?” Gin said, wandering off in confusion.

“… all right, even I’ll admit that was cool.” Tosen, who wasn’t affected by the illusion, admitted. “But… why didn’t you just do that to Toshiro? Defeat him in seconds like last time?”

“I… um… actually did.” Aizen admitted. “He just sort of kept coming anyway. Maybe he’s so detached from reality he saw through the illusion somehow, or maybe he was just swinging blindly the whole time. Whatever it was, the hypnosis didn’t stick for some HOLY CRAP!” Aizen screamed suddenly.

“RAAAAAAAAAAARGHABBLE!” Hitsugaya roared, lunging at Aizen, who barely blocked the blow in time.

“WHAT THE HELL, IDIOTS?!” Aizen snapped at the Espada.

The Espada, staring straight ahead with glassy-eyed expressions, said, in unison, “What’s the problem, sir? The intruder was brought down quickly and easily before he could inflict any damage.”

“… Put too much effort into the illusions, huh?” Tosen asked calmly.

“Possibly…” Aizen grunted as Hitsugaya’s sword continued to press in towards his face. “You know, you COULD help out.”

“That’s true.” Tosen said, “However, I think you should remember that as a pure being, I can only fight for justice. The path of least bloodshed demands that I not interfere with this battle.”

“Um… you’re blind, so maybe you didn’t notice all the corpses…”

“Well, in this case, I’m really referring to the path of my OWN least bloodshed. This isn’t the first time I’ve fought a lunatic who didn’t feel any pain and kept coming no matter what, and let me tell you? It didn’t go well last time I tried it.”

“Son of a…”

- “No Espada would let something as simple and primitive as their sex drive interfere with the efficient performance of their duties, sir.” Ulquiorra said. -“Hmmmm… Toshiro…” Halibel said dreamily. -“… or so I thought.” Ulquiorra finished.

- Well, she (Android) was equipped with Windows XP technology, which meant she was made to fuck the user over VERY well. Just not in the ways Bill Gates intended. Or for that matter, most laws allowed.

- “OH NO! POOR SIR FALL IN MOST CURSED OF ALL SPRINGS!”

Genma, finally figuring out he was a panda, looked on with fear at what his son must become after falling into that spring. Judging from how the guide was reacting, it could possibly be bad.

He was shocked to see his son emerge…as a purple dinosaur.

“Come on, everyone, let’s sing. I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME…”

The Guide by this time was already running towards the Amazon Village. He simply didn’t have any weapons to face a beast like that. They needed to kill it…and fast. Already he could feel his IQ slipping.

Three hours of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and he was seriously considering firing an Avada Kedavra at the thing. He ground his teeth as the 'I love you' song started up for the fortieth time. Four blasted lines, sung in an annoying voice, repeated over and over. Potter was going to rue the day he thought up this little stunt.

Even worse, Fawkes was humming the song! Dumbledore's eye twinkle was taking on a rather manic look as the minutes passed. Silencing spells didn’t work, yelling at it was useless, and the only way to get it to stop would be to collapse the wards around the school. He was seriously considering it at this point. Who knew muggles could create something to drive themselves insane? No wonder no one understood them anymore.

I personify the mother of all fuck-ups.

I’ve been told that you’re supposed to learn from your past mistakes – well, I think my mistakes learn from me, because I go ahead and make the same old mistakes in brand new and exciting ways every damn time…

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I couldn’t wait to see them – but it would be weeks before I returned to England. If I returned to England without getting killed in some new and exciting way.

"I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street."

He dumped another bucket of water over himself to rinse off the soap and sand. There; much better. At least he didn’t reek of orc anymore. As he sloshed water over himself, an image flashed before his eyes. A forgotten memory.

“Why the hell was I jumping down a waterfall naked?” he asked out loud. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at him. Whoops. That should not have been a public announcement.

“I don’t know,” said Boromir. “You tell me.”

"Potter, Harry." Every eye in the Great Hall fixed on Harry as he walked up and put the Hat on his head.

"Interesting," the Hat muttered. It took a moment to consider the Abbot girl's threats and the Bones girl's offers. "But if they want you then who am I to say no?" It's voice raised so that the entire Great Hall could hear it's judgement, "Hufflepuff Girl's Seventh Year Dormitory."

"What?" Minerva squawked.

"What does this mean?" Dumbledore demanded, for once the twinkle in his eye wasn't present.

"Exactly what it sounds like," the Hat replied, "he'll be bunking with the seventh year Hufflepuff girls. Next."

"Lucky bastard," Fred muttered.

"Wish we'd thought of that," George agreed. Silently, and with a few variations, a good portion of the upper year males agreed.

a soldier's handbook.

You are not a superman.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

No plan survives the first contact intact.

All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.

Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.

If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

The important things are always simple.

The simple things are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Incoming fire has right of way.

Friendly fire isn't.

If the enemy is in range - SO ARE YOU!

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.

Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.

Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

Tracers work both ways.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Murphy was a grunt.

"Is that a gun?" Robby asked.

"Yes!" Jonah cheered, "Come on Spiderman, show the world your true colors!"

"He's reaching for his mask," Robby pointed out.

"It's like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one!" Jonah cheered, only to fall silent and stare in horror at what was revealed.

"I loved her," the young black woman said, "and you killed her."

Jonah flinched when the gun went off and the Vulture collapsed, hanging loose in the webbing.

Robby turned to Jonah. "You've been prosecuting a young, black, lesbian, Jew while wearing a Hitler mustache and her lover was killed by a villain. The city is going to rise up as one and lynch you."

Girls do not exist. They are a lie created by the government.

"Government is a mass delusion. The only proof that it exists is that a number of people agree that it does, and are willing to perform acts they blame on it. The same is true of Santa Claus, except that I have never met government."

Mass Conquest

The thief eyed her rapidly retreating back. "So, you really don't like quarians, do you? Every other woman here, you've tried to scam personal information out of, or wrangle a date. But you left this damsel in distress still in distress."

"Quarians are ok with me."

"Then why?" Jacob asked. "You try to get anything and everything else into bed with you. Why not quarians?"

The thief flinched.

"Ok, maybe I am a racist. I like my women to survive sleeping with me. If a woman's going to die in my bed, I want it to be from ecstasy, not from an allergic reaction or because I gave her deathpox."

Odd_Ideas

"Potter has three girl friends?" Voldemort asked incredulously, "and they all know about each other?"

"Yes my lord," the death eater replied nervously. "And I'm told that he's getting married to a fourth girl."

"Damn . . . Bella, take a letter." Voldemort called out, "Potter . . . no scratch that, dear Harry. I think it's time that we end this silly little war. I am sure that you are tired of all this fighting and I know I am so I'd like to propose a solution to this conflict. You allow me to take the island of Azkaban and a few of the surrounding islands and I will agree to never ever bother you again and to stop attacking people all the time and what not. Sincerely yours, yadda yadda yadda."

"I shall send it right away my lord," Bella promised.

"Forgive me for asking my lord," one of the death eaters began.

"You want to know why I'm giving up," Voldemort said with a nod. "Anyone that can convince four girls to enter an arrangement like Potter has is a ruthless cunning bastard, we'd never stand a chance against such a mind . . . Crucio."

What I hate the most in a story.

1) Slash. Personally I have nothing against them but I have an overactive imagination and well... you get the Idea. Barf-bag any one?

2) God-modding. A serious story in which the main character suddenly becomes a god. If he trains (in which he becomes one SLOWLY) or was one from the beginning then I could understand. But come on...

3) The Ridiculous Crossover. A story so crossed over that you can't even consider it to be the original. E.g Hp/other mix is considered Hp but is so mixed that it is more Something then HP. If a category for that something is not there then I can understand.

E.g- Sailor Moon is all alone defending the Earth from Voldemort, and she can’t handle it even with the One Ring in her hands and Naruto promising all his help! But don’t worry, for Integra releases Alucard from a Pokéball and…

I will add more as soon as I come up with more stuff to hate. Any way these are my stories. Hope you like them.

Well there you have it. Also pls review my stories. I really appreciate the feed back if you do.