25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Make your mother proud, dont smoke pot or stop breathing because Abrocrombie and Fitch tell you its not cool to breath.

Shirohime sent me these hearts, she's a sweetheart and a great writer! So I recommend anyone to go read her stories at Shirohime's - Shizaya-stories. She has many stories, some of them already finished and some still ongoing :3 I won't spoil anything but they're awesome! Kudos to her!

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100 Rules of Anime

The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural
phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original
intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that
explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope
that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good
chuckle.

#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).

#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
different angles.

#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because
of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the
Law of Inherent Combustibility.

#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also
known as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of
course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the
"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a
drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and
several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle
of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will
hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,
the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.
Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he
will hit.

#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The
Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs
to get out more.)

#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work
just as well...

#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped
and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
song.
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes
up against an entire army, the army always loses.

#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...

#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
twice as annoying.

#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Effect)
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome
"Good Guys".

#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female.
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
used as a last resort.

#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing
aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
explanation.

#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical
abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s
hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of
whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive
amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,
then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the
Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to
extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer
invulnerable to any form of damage.
Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is
indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,
or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice
attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of
Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)

#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so
on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.

#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic
positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation

#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from
which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious
dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a
heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released
at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in
the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are
actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is
because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the
back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the
less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
world...

#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current
theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush
along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
swords, if not sharper.

#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.

#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to
interrupt it.

#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff

#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
Phenomenon")

52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.

#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
look.
A negative charge will result in the
hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)

#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot
couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.

#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
slow motion.

#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and
65)

#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and
exposition),
Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)

#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.

#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...

#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain
is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole
(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz.

#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
Hentai anime is to start having sex.

#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toastied.

#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!

#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws #67, 69, and 84)

#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toastied.

#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have
the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,
rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling
themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.

#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large
penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the
size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...

#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following
characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.

#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and
up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive
vagina.

#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
introducing themselves.

#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.

#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though
they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime
girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is,
but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the
skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never
experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also
known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human
relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.

#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko
Thing")

#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run bitch run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"

FRIENDS: Would read ignore this.

If you can read this then you're one of he lucky few.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,

the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azmanig huh?

7 Reasons Not to Mess with Children (small children)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have five fingers
The middle ones for you

A girl and her boyfriend were having an agruement:

Boy: Bitch.

Girl: I've been called worse.

Boy: Oh yeah? Like what?

Girl: Your girlfriend.

You go girl!

A 15 year old girl holds hands with her one-year-old son. People call her a slut.
Nobody knows she she was raped at the age of 13.
People call another guy fat.
Nobody knows he has a serious disease causing him to be overweight.
People call an old man ugly.
Nobody knew he had a serious injury to his face while fighting for our country in the war.
Re-post this if you are against bullying and stereotyping. I bet 95% of you won't.

Tell the truth and run.

Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to.

Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Generally, generalizations are wrong.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye mad.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.

The Truth is out there. So what are you doing here?

If you can't beat them, join them. Then take over.

Better yet, if you can't beat them at their own game, beat them with a stick instead.

Whatever you are, be a good one.

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

Enjoy every minute of life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.

We don't live in the world of reality, we live in the world of how we percieve reality.

If God had intended Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die

A stranger stabs you in the front: a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart; but best friends only poke each other with straws.

When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months.

"He handed her 11 red roses and one fake rose, he said ‘I will love you until the last rose dies."

"Of all the things I’ve lost… I miss my mind the most."

"Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas."

"Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!"

"When in doubt, push random buttons!"

"IF YOU CANT DO IT WITH ONE BULLET DONT DO IT AT ALL"

"When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic."

"Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies."

"MENtal anxiety, MENtal breakdown, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... Did you ever notice how all of out problems begin with MEN?"

"Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that."

"It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with."

"I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do, kill me?"

"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery."

"Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster."

"I’m not paranoid… WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!"

"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."

"Whose sick joke was it for the fear of long words to be called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?"

"You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor."

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired ?.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

" To start press ANY key, where's the Any key ?"

Dont worry about death, the most warning any of us get is; "Mind the Bus!" "What bus?" SPLAT!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God created whiskey to keep the irish from conquering the world.

If you're lucky enough to be Irish, then you're lucky enough

Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die

When life hand you lemons, squirt them in people's eyes!

Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do insult them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

Friends are God’s apology for relatives.

Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape

Wouldn't it be fun to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Boys are like slinkies; practically useless, and yet it is SO amusing to watch them fall down the stairs!!

Boys are like trees - they take 50yrs to grow up.

Excuse me. Have you seen my mind? I think I've lost it...

My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them nearly as much.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity got framed.

Kids are the future. Be afraid, Be very afraid!

your heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So SHUT UP!

WARNING- stop throwing your cigarette butts on the carpet! Seriously, the cockroaches are getting cancer!

There are three kinds of people those who count, and those who can't.

Warning: trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical!

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?!

Sometimes people run away just to see if anyone cares enough to follow.

Sometimes you make me so mad I want to throw you in the middle of ongoing traffic, but then I realize I would probably kill myself trying to save you.

Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

When Life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous

Keep on talking and maybe one day you'll say something intelligent.

Sometimes I wonder ' Why is that Frisbee getting bigger' and then it hits me...

You and me is friends. You cry, I cry. You smile I smile. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I gonna miss your emails…

Love your enemies! It really pisses them off!

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it annoys enough people to make it worth it!

You can't make somebody love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope for the best!

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

People always tell you to shush, but the phrase, "shush" makes up to 92% of the noise.

Violence is the question. Violence is not the answer. Yes is the answer. :)

I reject your reality and substitute my own!

I didn't lose my mind. It was mine to give away.

I have a dream - of a day where chickens can cross roads without their motives being questioned.

I'm not always late. Sometimes I just don't show up.

The one who smiles when all goes wrong has thought of someone to blame.

When in doubt, make up words.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

I'm not saying your stupid im just implying it.

It's not your fault. But I'm blaming you anyways.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Never take life seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyways.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who the heck is drinking my water!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is verb a noun?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

It's not strange to argue with yourself. It's only strange to argue and lose.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well I think guns help. I mean if you stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars, and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

Silence is golden... but shouting is fun!

Define normal.

Do you think I'm weird? Don't answer that.

What if weird meant normal and normal meant weird?

My best friend is better than yours so stick that in your juice box & suck it!

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

I don’t obsess! I think intensely.

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it

Why is Donkey Kong called “DONKEY” Kong if he’s an ape?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!

Slinky Escalator = Endless fun!

One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you

"It's not my fault I fell for you, you tripped me!"

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

My friend was just going to come over and ask you, but I'm saving him the trouble by saying simply, do you think I'm hot?

Do you have a map because I'm lost in your eyes.

Okay, so, here I am, do you still want those two other wishes?

Police are looking for lovely, talented, outspoken, young, beautiful, funny, smart person. Your ugly self is safe, but where should I hide?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others cause it whenever they go

"If you were my husband, I would flavor your coffee with poison"--"If you were my wife ma'am, I would be greatful to drink it."

Some people are like slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but they make you smile when you see them fall down the stairs

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguards."

I realize no one could pick they're genes, so that is why I take special time out in the morning to make myself look good in them

Sure, God created man before woman. Of course, this is logical though, because he was just on his first draft before creating the masterpiece

If there's a book that you really want to read that no body's written, then write the book yourself

The wastebasket is a writer's best friend

I love writing. I love the swirl and tangle of words as they display human emotion

A dress in whose zipper is in the back was created by a married man. A dress whose zipper is on the side was created by the single woman

I base most of my fashion sense on what does and doesn't itch.

I don't understand how all of my nice clothes disapear into my closet of ugly clothes

If you haven't got anything nice to say to anybody, come sit with me

Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you

Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell

When you hate someone, everything they do is offensive-look at that girl, eating those 10 crackers like she owns the place

That awkward moment when you just nod and smile after you've asked your friend what 3 times and still don't understand.

Today, I realised the word 'bed' actually looks like a 'bed'

I hate it when ugly people say the need to catch their beauty sleep...Girl they need to hibernate

Awkwardly standing there when your friend is talking to someone you don't know

The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people actually think you're stupid.

You have a right to your opinion, and I have a right to tell you how stupid it is.

I miss those days when I could just throw someone in the pool without having to worry if their phone was in their pocket

OH WOW! Really? You're really gonna fight me over the internet? What are you gonna do tough guy-CAPS LOCK me to death?

PLEASE-do not use reflection in the glass to check yourself out

Afraid to die alone? Become a bus driver

That awkward amount of time your sitting there while poeple are singing happy birthday and you don't know what to do

Go to a party? Pretend to text!

Don't you type at me in THAT tone of voice!

Is it just me, or do you think of genius ideas in the shower, then when you get out-POOOF they’re gone?

Is it just me, or is there no in between on a shower nozzle? You’re either taking a plunge in Antarctica or chillin in hell.

Is it just me, or do banks really confuse you? Why do they lock their pens do the desks? If we’re trusting them with our money, why can’t they trust us with their pens?

Is it just me, or do you get paranoid that there’s cameras in your house?

Is it just me, or do you sometimes stop thinking what you’re thinking in your head, because your paranoid that someone can read your mind?

Is it just me, or do you hate it when people don’t know the difference between a juice box, a juice pouch and a juice pack? There is a difference people!

Is it just me, or do you love getting five page texts, but hate sending them??

I do not suffer insanity...I enjoy every minute of it

I’m nobody...nobody’s perfect... Therefore I am perfect

When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like hell

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window

In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this

When everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

Chaos, panic, disorder...my work is done here

Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids.

Confucius say: "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot!"

Be kind to your offspring. They get to choose your nursing home.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Follow your dream...Unless it's the one where you're at work only wearing underwear during a fire drill.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

Dementors: Turning people emo since 370 B.C.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you are on the computer for over 20 hours a week, put this in your profile

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonaed. Then Find Someone Who's Life Has Given Them Vodka, And Have A Party.

"We don't know what to do about Humans. Of all the species we've made contact with, yours is the only one we can't define. You have the arrogance of Andorians, the stubborn pride ofTellarites. One moment you're as driven by your emotions as Klingons, and the next, you confound us by suddenly embracing logic." Soval

"I don't need sex because life fucks me every chance it gets."

"Don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to"

"Sweet lunacy where the madness taste honey sweet"

"The knife is not sharp enough to fear" Broken Iris

"In another life, I would make you stay" Boyce Avenue

"Damn! That one really put up a struggle!! Scrapped me up like he was a cat on crack!!" JTHM

"Well fuck you Mr.bear!!! You speak lies!!! liiiies!!!" JTHM

"Those that seek immortality through evil and villainy, usually die with a broken spirit."

"Oh, my god!! Somebody put shit in my pants!!!!!!!" JTHM

"Dear die-ary today I learned that on the inside I'm pretty fuckin ugly." JTHM

"The world would be so much nicer if poeple only used guns on themselves." JTHM

Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is.

Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’.

Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever.

Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hoqwarts has seen in a while.

Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her.

Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.

Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy.

Draco Malfoy … disagrees.

Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand.

Ron Weasley … is very afraid.

Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thanks very much.

Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.

Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.

George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.

Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.

James Potter … doesn’t believe her.

Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’.

Sirius Black … killed by drapery.

Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences.

Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane.

Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush.

Lucius Malfoy … does not like to be referred to as ‘Luscious Mouthful’.

Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence.

Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff.

Slytherins … will push someone else off.

Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase.

Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet

Add this to you profile if you you think it's funny!

Father:"Your in big trouble miss.!"

Child: "I Didn't do anything

Father: "YOU KICKED HIM!"

Child: "It was an accident!"

Father:"In The Face..."

Child: "My foot slipped.."

Father: "Five times?!"

Child: ...

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

A moment of silence.

Enduring and forgiving are two different things. You must not forget the unjustness of society. As a human being, you must hold the event in contempt. Yet, you must endure.

You must put an end to the chain of hatred!

- Scar’s Master (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

I thought maybe the rain would wash away some of this gloom that’s been following me… but right now every drop that hits my face is even more depressing.

- Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

Who am I? One name you might have for me is the world, or you might call me the universe, or perhaps God, or perhaps the Truth. I am All, and I am One. So, of course, this also means that I am you. I am the truth of your despair, the inescapable price of your boastfulness. And now, I will bestow upon you the despair you deserve.

- Truth (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

God you say? Now this is intriguing, how much longer do you think your 'God' plans to wait before unleashing his fury? Just how many more thousands of lives must I take before he decides to strike me down? Open your eyes. ‘God’ is nothing more than a construct created by man to inspire fear and promote order. If you wish to see me struck down, for all these atrocities, use your own hands to do so, not ‘God’s’.

- Wrath (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

The death of a culture is the death of a people.

- Major Miles

We really are weak creatures, but that’s why we can strive to become stronger.

Even if you feel it’s useless, each step we take leads to something great.

That’s why I’m sure we’ll be able to change. Because we’re weak…

and because death is inevitable…

Humans try their best to live and end up becoming stronger.

- Trisha Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

The power of one man doesn’t amount to much. But, however little strength I’m capable of… I’ll do everything humanly possible to protect the people I love, and in turn they’ll protect the ones they love. It seems like the least we tiny humans can do for each other.

- Roy Mustang (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

When you notice an insect on the ground, do you stop to consider it a fool? The life of an insect is so beneath you that it would be a waste of your time to even consider judging it. That would be an accurate summation on my feelings towards these humans.

- Father (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

A king is no king without his people, but a people without their king would be lost as well.

- Lan Fan (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

I disagree. You want to bring back someone that you’ve lost. You might want money. Maybe you want women. Or, you might want to protect the world. These are all common things people want. Things that their hearts desire. Greed may not be good, but it’s not so bad, either. You humans think greed is just for money and power! But everyone wants something they don’t have.

- Greed (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

It's a cruel and random world, but the chaos is all so beautiful.

― Hiromu Arakawa

A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart.

― Hiromu Arakawa

Water: 35 liters, Carbon: 20 kg, Ammonia: 4 liters, Lime:1.5 kg, Phosphrus: 800 g, salt: 250g, saltpeter:100g, Sulfer: 80g, Fluorine: 7.5 g, iron: 5.6 g, Silicon: 3g, and 15 other elements in small quantities... thats the total chemical makeup of the average adult body. Modern science knows all of this, but there has never been a single example of succesful human trasmutation. It's like there's some missing ingredient... Scientists have been trying to find it for hundreds of years, pouring tons of money into research, and to this day they don't have a theory. For that matter, the elements found in a human being is all junk that you can buy in any market with a child's allowence. Humans are pretty cheaply made.

― Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 01

Stand up and walk. Keep moving forward. You've got two good legs. So get up and use them. You're strong enough to make your own path.

- Edward Elric

What?! I'm not small! It's the world that's too big!!

― Edward Elric

You cant gain something, without giving something in return.

- Edward Elric

In researching this volume, I interviewed veterans who had been at the front during World War II. I read countless books, examined film footage, and listened to many detailed and intense stories firsthand, but the one comment that affected me the most came from a former soldier who lowered his gaze to the tabletop and said, ‘I never watch war movies.'

― Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist Box Set

(Ling): All right people, listen up! If you've got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. (Greed): Also, women! I have no intention of fighting any women!

― Ling Yao and Greed

The Homunculi may have started the war, but we were the ones who carried it out.

― Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 16

The pleasure of a dream is that it's a fantasy. If it happens, it was never a dream.

― Fullmetal Alchemist

Appearances rarely share the whole truth.

― Selim Bradly Pride

Shorty?! Could a shorty do this?! What else you want to call me: a half-pint bean-sprout midget?! I'm still growing you backwater desert idiots!

- Edward Elric

There's no such thing as a painless lesson-they just don't exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can't gain anything without losing something first. Although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you'll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah... a heart made Fullmetal.

- Edward Elric

Even when our eyes are closed, there's a whole world out there that lives outside ourselves and our dreams.

- Edward Elric

Attention, gun-toting extremists! Can you hear me alright, or did you blow out your ears playing target practice?

- Edward Elric

Whether it be an arm, or a leg, or even my heart you can take it!! So give him back... HE'S MY LITTLE BROTHER AND HE'S ALL I HAVE LEFT!!!

- Edward Elric

Don't call me small! I'll break off your feet and stick em on your head!

- Edward Elric

Hmm? What do we have here? What an oddly good hand of cards! UHHH! ED! YOU CHEATER! COME BACK! I WANT EVERYTHING YOU WON FROM ME! AND I THOUGHT I WAS JUST UNLUCKY!

- Alphonse Elric

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth.

- Alphonse Elric

It's much harder dealing with the living. Give me a ghost to talk to any day

- Roy Mustang

Way to bring your trouble home with you, Fullmetal, really nice.

- Roy Mustang

Nothing's perfect, the world's not perfect, but it's there for us, trying the best it can. That's what makes it so damn beautiful.

- Roy Mustang

(to Hawkeye) You were giving me a look that said 'perform human transmutation and I'll shoot you.'

- Roy Mustang

If you believe the possibility exists, then you should do whatever it takes

- Roy Mustang

When I return home, I will swallow every horrible thing I have done here and i will smile when I'm with her.

- Maes Hughes

One is All, and All is One.

- Izumi Curtis

Believe in yourselves and choose life over death. Otherwise, you've led a shameful existence

- Izumi Curtis

"Real mates are linked by their souls! " 仲間ってのハ、魂でつながってんだヨ！

- Ling Yao

Friends are connected by their souls, you can't just rinse something out that has been deeply instilled into your soul

- Ling Yao

There's no such thing as no such thing.

- Greed

Edward Elric: Fuzake n Na! (Could be considered a catch phrase of sorts, as Edward is constantly heard saying it. It's a very informal, masculine way of using the verb "Fuzakeru" which means 'Joke', 'tease', 'lie', etc. Basically it means "Don't kid around", though based on the circumstances, it can translate to anything from "Don't screw with me!", "Cut it out!", "You bastard!", or as sometimes translated in fan works, "Don't fuck with me!" In the dubbed anime, it is mostly commonly translated as "Stop jerking me around!")

Narrator (Second Series introduction 2-8): Alchemy: the science of understanding, deconstructing, and reconstructing matter. However, it is not an all-powerful art; it is impossible to create something out of nothing. If one wishes to obtain something, something of equal value must be given. This is the Law of Equivalent Exchange, the basis of all alchemy. In accordance with this law, there is a taboo among alchemists: human transmutation is strictly forbidden - for what could equal the value of a human soul...?

Armstrong: Greetings, Edward Elric. When I heard you were in the hospital– I DASHED RIGHT OVER! And as I suspected, you're in desperate need of my assistance! [He strips]

Elrics: WAAHHHH!

Armstrong: You need the example of a perfect physical specimen to inspire your recovery! You see?! You're looking livelier already!

Edward: WILL YOU GET OUT?!?!

Edward: What the hell...? The stone... It's supposed to be a perfect material; how did it just break like that?!

Cornello: I-I don't know! I don't know anything about it! S-Spare me! Please! I– I was wrong! Please! I beg you!

Edward: It's a damn fake...

Cornello: Please don't! I am helpless without the Stone! Spare me, please!

Edward: You mean, we went through all this... risked our lives just for this one possible chance... and it's a fake?!

Cornello: So, uh... Haha, what about me?

Edward: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO!!! JUST GET OUTTA HERE!!!

Cornello: Right!

Edward: I know we said we’d stay and all. But that’s seriously freaky..!

Ling: He seems to be a bit angry.

Envy: I know you. You're the kid who crossed swords with Wrath, aren't you?

Ling: What do you mean "kid?!" I happen to be the twelfth son of the Emperor of Xing! My name is-

Envy: Eat him!

Ling: No! No! No! No!

Ling: So hungry, I wish we could find something to eat...!

Edward: Well, actually. You know... Leather goods are edible. We've got a meal.

[Cuts to later]

Edward: That should do it! Here ya' go.

Ling: You don't have athlete's foot, do you?

Edward: MY FOOT IS MADE OF METAL, YOU IDIOT!

[Later]

Edward: Aww man, that shoe filled me up!

Ling: I'm sorry, Ed.

Edward: And why is that?

Ling: It's all my fault that you're here..

Edward: It is not. Besides, this place is a joke compared to what my teachers put me through. It just sucks that we have no idea where this place is. But that's alright. As long as we've got our health, we can find an exit out of here.

Ling: You're sure optimistic...

Edward: Not really, I'm just stubborn. And if I even think about giving up, I have Al's iron fist to look forward to.

Ling: Hmmm... Mmm!

Edward: What's wrong?

Ling: There's something out there... Is that?

Envy: I thought so. I should have known it was you guys.

Ling: It’s definitely Envy.

Edward: PLEASE SHOW ME THE WAY OUT OF HERE!

Ling: Uh! You're just going to start begging the enemy for help like that?!

Edward: If it means surviving, I'll be his BEST FRIEND!

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

-Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
-Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.
-Come to the dark side, we have cookies.
-Of course we lied about the cookies. We're the DARK side, remember?
-I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
-Stupidity killed the cat...Curiosity was framed.
-"Sarcasm (n.) : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the person who doesn't get it."
-The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far is as needed?
-In the darkness you don't see what stares back at you...
-Don't ask, randomness is commonly spewed from me.

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
-Mark Twain

"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination."
-Albert Einstein

"There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate's loot on Treasure Island."
-Walt Disney

''You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body but you will never imprison my mind.''
- Mahatma Gandhi

''Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious...''
-Michael Stipe

Every single one of us has the potential to be a monster. We just need a hard enough push.
-Unknown

Random stuff that I find Hilarious!!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face

When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you

I hear your silence loud and clear

Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

How can i miss you if you never left?

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Help I've fallen and i cant...hey nice carpet!

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive

Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality.

Life's Tough, get a helmet

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Can vegetarians eat Animals Crackers?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

The cops never find it as funny as you do

'I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow does not look good either.'

'May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and a big bag of money.'

'Cute but evil. Things even out.'

'You're ugly, and that's sad.'

'Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
What the heck am I doing,
Talking to you?'

'I'm not mean. You're just a sissy.'

'I know how you feel. I just don't care.'

'School prepares you for the real world, which sucks.'

'Hating you makes me feel warm inside.'

'It's okay if you want to drop dead.'

'I would love to have a battle of the wits with you but you appear unarmed.'

Favorite Quotes

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein

If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years. -Socrates

Among life's perpetually charming questions is whether the truly evil do more harm than the self-righteous and wrong. -Jon Margolis

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

I never think of the future, it comes quickly enough. -Albert Einstein

Impossible is a word only to be found in a dictionary of fools. -Napoleon Bonaparte

Never be afraid to try, remember;amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic. -Anonymous

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei

"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact." - George Eliot

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." - Sir Winston Churchill

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Sir Winston Churchill

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them." - Ian L. Fleming

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." - Henry Ford

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr.

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." - Frank Lloyd Wright

"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." - George Bernard Shaw

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Samuel Johnson

"Courage is... the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." -Meg Cabot

Anime Quotes

"I thought I was crazy, Urameshi, but ye take th' cake fer tha'! Ye don' make bombs go BOOM in yer face!" -Jin to Yuusuke

“And you lost to Kurama, and Kurama lost to a dead guy. How's that for lame?" -Jin

"Darn it! Don't DO that! We're still not used to you being at eye-level!" -Yuusuke to Koenma-in-teenager-form after Koenma sneaks up on him.

"Kurama, don't make me rip out your precious voice-box." -Hiei

"'Youko has returned,' they cry." -Youko Kurama

"I have NOT turned into a butterfly." -Kurama

"Ugh... Nerd violence." -Kurama

“Thank you for your offer, but I'm really not interested in that kind of thing…” -Kurama ( happens after Hiei gives him his Tear Gem. Kurama is teasing him and explains he's not gay, although he knows that Hiei just wants him to return the Gem to Yukina.)

“Do you think he knows its a circle?” -Hiei speaking about Kuwabara when Kuwabara’s running around a tower to get away from some demons.

"Tell me, what's it like living in a perpetual haze of stupidity?" -Hiei speaking to Kuwabara

"What IS that ridiculous appendage growing out of your head?" -Hiei to Yuusuke when Puu is sitting on Yuusuke's head

I know as much of games as I do of hugs and puppies, and care for them even less… Wake me for the end of the world. --Hiei

Yuusuke: "Tell you what: Give up now, and I'll only rip out ONE of your lungs."
Suzaku: "And if I refuse?"
Yuusuke: "Then hold your stinkin' breath."

Yuusuke: "Hey, no hugging!"
Kuwabara: "I wasn't hugging you, you weirdo! I was trying to squeeze you to death!"

"You're a team-player, a save-the-day superhero . . . I hate people like you." -Hiei to Yuusuke

"Do you know why I chose him as my partner? So I wouldn't have to fight him myself. He's more cutthroat than I am in battle, and utterly ruthless." -Hiei to Yuusuke about Kurama

"Kurama’s rose whip must be ten feet long. Where does he stash it? All the ways I can think of sound kind of painful . . ." -Kuwabara to Hiei about Kurama

"I know you need to fight, but . . . If you die, I swear I'll kill you. Bang." -Keiko to Yuusuke.

"You're like an ugly singer with a good voice: best for backup!" -Yuusuke to Kuwabara

Urameshi: What! Do you play video games?
Genkai: What were you thinking I was doing with all that free time?

Kuwabara: I have the feeling that I'll win!
Hiei: And I have the feeling that you'll die...

“You little men annoy me. Go.” -Sesshomaru

“I will not suffer the same fate as cream filling!” -Vegeta

Bulma: Well, Trunks at least I know you’ll grow up to be a handsome young man, and think, all this time I was worried you’d look just like your dad!
Vegeta: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!

"You're always smiling, real friendly like... but your smile is so empty, it hurts to watch you! It's like you're hurting like crazy inside, and grinning to hide it. That's how it looked to me..." -Wolfwood to Vash, Trigun

"Aw, man! Death and Poverty like me so much they brought friends!" -Vash

"Lord . . . what the hell am I doing here?" -Wolfwood, Trigun

"Oh man, Quatre loves to blame himself for everything if you let him. Sooner or later he'll say there's no air in space because he didn't work on it hard enough." -Duo Maxwell

"War is not to blame for destruction and massacre, the evil we must face is in our respective hearts." -Dorothy Catalonia

Fanfiction Quotes

"You are SO sleeping in Kurama's room!" -Yusuke to Hiei (Mission X)

"You hitched a ride OUTSIDE OF THE PLANE?!" -Yusuke to Hiei (Mission X)

"I can handle any one of them... unfortunately they attack in twos and threes..." -Marik (The New Students)

"Mwah ha ha... Oh you did NOT just shoot at my hair!" -Duo (Upon a Fiery Steed)

Hiei: Well, that’s hitting below the belt, isn’t it?

Yusuke: You should know, Hiei. You can’t hit any higher. (Out of the loop)

"Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer borrowed." -Red X (Angel)

Kurama: He tried to kick me in the shins once. (Speaking of Hiei)

Yusuke: Really?

Kurama: Yes. I think he was aiming for my head, but you know, he only comes so high... (Out of the Loop)

"WEI is no fun... hardly anyone tries to shoot me there." -Quatre (Until the World Falls Away)

"Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I want to be with other fruitcakes." -Creed (The Fall and Rise of Creed Diskence)

Duo: You know you love me 05.

Wufei: Like LEPROSY! (Lost in Shadow)

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children

3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping

4. Candle: Warning: A burning candle is fire

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping

11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regualr soap

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required

15. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not usewhile sleeping.

(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

16. On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

17. On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

18. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

19. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??...)

20. On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

21. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

22. On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because??...)

23. On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

24. On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

25. On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

26. On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

27. On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

28. On a Korean kitchen knife-- "Warning: keep out of children."
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

29. On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity

Hush, little sister
Please don't cry
I wish I could be there
To sing you a lullaby

I can see your arms
Bloodied and bruised
That's strange, little sister
Mine were like that too

I know you scream
When Daddy's there
Hush, little sister
I know you're scared

I can see the way
He's hurting you
I'm sorry, little sister
He did that to me too

I know that people
Ignore what's going on at home
That makes me angry, little sister
You shouldn't have to be alone

Hey, little sister
You wanna know why I'm not there?
It's a sad story, little sister
But people should care

You see, little sister
One day Daddy got high
You were asleep in your crib
So you didn't hear my cry

He screamed at me
And smashed my head against the door
While you slept, little sister
I died on the floor

You know, little sister
I don't think that I would have died
If someone had only bothered
To listen to my cries

But hush, little sister
Daddy's coming home
Quick, get into bed
You don't want him to find you alone

I'm sorry little sister
He's in a bad mood
Run while you can

Uh oh little sister
He's lifting his belt
Scream while you can, little sister
Call for help

Hush little sister
You don't need to cry
No one can hurt you
You're in my arms tonight.

IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE, COPY THAT POEM INTO YOUR PROFILE!

QUOTES TO LIVE BY

1.) Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

2.) Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3.) When other little girls wanted to be ballerinas, I kind of wanted to be a NINJA.

5.) Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

6.) Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?

7.) If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

8.) "Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

9.) "Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

10.) “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Unknown

11.) “Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.” – Unknown

12.) “He who laughs last didn't get it.” – Unknown

13.) Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.

14.) Oh god! They took my freaking kidney!

15.) When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!

16.) I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.

17.) There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

18.) Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that jerk upside the head

19.) "Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

20.) Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think its Collin.

21.) Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

22.) You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

23.) They say guns don't kill people, people kill people, but honestly I think guns have something to do with it because if someone just stood there and said "bang," I don't think many people would be dead...

24.) I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

25.) Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make him or her public

26.) Guns don't kill people. I do.

27.) A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

28.) He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.

29.) My imaginary friend doesn't like you either.

30.) Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

31.) Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

32.) The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

33.) The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.

34.) Assassinations are an extreme form of censorship.

35.) You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

36.) I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the Internet

37.) I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

38.) I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

39.) Somebody needs a Happy Meal.

40.) Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

42.) Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

44.) There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

45.) 'It's always in the last place you look' Well DUR! Because you stop looking after you find it! HELLO!

46.) I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

47.) Although, chainsaw beats scissors, paper, AND rock!

48.) I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

49.) Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

50.) To put it nicely, I hope you choke

51.) It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn

52.) I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

53.) If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

54.) The evil gnomes poked me in the bum wit a stick.

55.) Would you like a cookie? So would I.

56.) You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

57.) Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.

58.) A day without sunshine is like... night.

59.) A rejected invention: Instant water! Just add water!

60.) Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot

61.) Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

62.) Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

63.) I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

64.) I do what cheerios tell me.

65.) I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.

66.) I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you!

67.) I'm knocking on heavens door.. Voice in back round: Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!! Me: That wasn’t my fault!! It was poor construction... I SWEAR!! Don’t look at me like that...

68.) If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.

69.) My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...

70.) Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

71.) Okay...so there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my friends, well...We've gone pro.

A Real Boyfriend

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her (I wish!! -fieryhazel)

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

Guys post as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."

Girls post as: "A real Boyfriend."

((Meaning of Each Letter in Your Name))

A: Hot

B: Loves people

C: A good kisser

D: Makes people laugh

E: Has gorgeous eyes

F: People wild and crazy adore you

G: Very outgoing

H: Easy to fall in love with

I: Loves to smile and laugh

J: Really sweet

K: Really silly

L: Smile to die for

M: Makes dating fun

N: Can kick the shit out of you

O: Has one of the best personalities ever

P: Popular with all types of people

Q: A hypocrite

R: Good boyfriend/girlfriend

S: Cute

T: A very good kisser

U: Is very sexual

V: Not judgmental

W: Very broad minded

X: Never let people tell you what to do

Y: Is loved by everyone

Z: Can be funny and dumb at times

Quotes:

Pages full of idle words
Penned with hot and bitter tears:
All men call the author fool;
None his secret message hears.

Truth becomes fiction when fiction's true;
Real becomes not-real where unreal's real.

When grief for fiction's idle words
More real than human life appears,
Reflect that life itself's a dream
And do not mock the reader's tears.

Cao Xueqin, The Story of the Stone

"Insanity is contagious"

-Me (ok, it probably has been said before, but it's my usual tag line)

"Sometimes the jukebox in my mind just CLICKS, and I actually remember the words to the songs for once. You know?"

PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.

I don't care if you're gay or straight, everybody needs love.
I don't care if you're diseased with an incurable sickness, everybody deserves a chance.
I don't care if you're ugly or pretty, everybody has flaws.
I don't care if you're black or white, everybody has the same capabilities.
I don't care if you're weird, everybody needs to change.
I don't care if you're rich or poor, everybody needs warmth.
I don't care if you're different, everybody is.

The 10 Commandments I Live By

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(just start them...)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

More Random stuff most of which I find hilarious

Man: Have I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I go to mine.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: If I could see you naked I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked I'd die laughing.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.

Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u next to i.
Woman: Really? I'd put f and u together.

Things guys should know about girls!
Men Need To Understand These Things

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out. (CARDINAL RULE)

2. Don't say you understand when you don't.

3. Girls are petty; get over it. We like to start fights.

4. You don't have PMS, so don't act like you know what it's like. Don't try to understand...believe me you never will.

5. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

6. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.

7. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

8. It's good to be sensitive sometimes.

9. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

10. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it, but it is extremely sweet.

11. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.

12. We are Drama queens; never forget that.

13. Fashion police do exist.

14. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.

15. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

16. We don't shave our legs everyday: get over it.

17. Don't make bets about us; we always find out; you may think we don't know, but WE DO!

18. Shave! No matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we hate it. We like clean-cut men.

19. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.

20. Don't compare us to Pamela Anderson; parts of her are fake, just remember that. (Remember: you have a better shot at us than you ever will have with her.)

21. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

22. We are beautiful at all times.

23. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.

24. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why can't you aim in the toilet and not on it.

25. Most importantly: we are always right in one way or another so don't forget that!

26. we have an excuse to act bitchy once a month; you dont

Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts:

1) Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms

2) I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class

4) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss

5) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

6) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar

7) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy

8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"

9) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals

10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches

12) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Moblie, Robin!"

13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.

14) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor

15) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental

16) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"

17) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

18) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"

19) It’s not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" everytime I apparate.

20) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.

21) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

22) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

24) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.

26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".

28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.

29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.

30) I will not send Snape a bar of soap for Christmas.

I promise to remember Harry

When someone grows up with no love

I promise to remember Ron

When someone is jealous

I promise to remember Hermione

When I meet someone with wisdom beyond their years

I promise to remember James and Lily

when someone dies before their time

I promise to remember Dumbledore

At the thought of the greater good

I promise to "Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good"

for Gred, Forge, and Padfoot of course

I promise to remember Moony

And fight for human rights

I promise to remember Snape

When My heart fills with remorse

I promise to remember Narcissa

When I'd do anything for family

I promise to remember Dora Tonks

When someone is hyper

I promise to remember Hedwig,

who lived and died soaring

I promise to remember Percy

When ambition gets the best of me

I promise to be careful

For Moody's sake, of course

I promise to remember Hagrid

When one is wrongly blamed

I promise to remember Neville

when I stand up for what is right

I promise to remember the Marauders

When a friend says "Call me and I'll be there."

We defended the stone, when no one saw it coming.

We found the chamber, when everyone thought it was the end.

We freed the prisoner, so the innocent had their freedom.

We were chosen by the Goblet, and witnessed evil return.

We fought with the order, and learnt of our fate.

We learned of the prince, and the dangerous road that waited a head.

We dominated the deathly hallows, and all was well.

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line. X

Paste this on your profile if you pissed yourself laughing when you read it. And you know you did ;P

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me."

"Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?"

"He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with news...check if I'm happy..."

"Brilliant! It's Potions last thing on Friday! Snape won't have the time to poison us all!"

"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.

"Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes -- yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.

So You Want To Be A Death Eater: Your Guide To Everything Evil!

Greetings, new follower:

If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.

Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).

The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.

Yours in infamy,

Lord Voldemort

So You Want To Be A Death Eater?

Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.

Aims of the society:

World peace
To be evil
To conquer the world
Elimination of all Muggles
Elimination of all Mudbloods
Elimination of Albus Dumbledore & the Order of the Phoenix
Elimination of (miscellaneous)
To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!)
To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes
This statement is a lie.

List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:

(Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)

Long Black Robes (Casual)
Long Black Robes (Smart)
Short Black Robes (for summer wear)
Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent)
Black mask (informal)
Black mask (sequined)
Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted)
Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional)
Wand
Extra wand in case of losing first wand
Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand

Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).

Coffin
Dueling sword
Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc.
Saw
Assorted chains
Handcuffs
Pointy stick

Recommended Reading:

Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian
Evil: A Beginners Guide by Professor E. Maledict
The Illustrated Torturer's handbook by Bellatrix Black
What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber by Narcissa Malfoy
Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorised Biography of Lord Voldemort by Peter Pettigrew
Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department

Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.

Death Eater Rules:

No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.
No Death Eater shall play the harmonica.
All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling, yoga etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.
No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.
A Death Eater must be pureblooded.
No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.
No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.
All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.)
All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.
All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.

Frequently Asked Questions:

What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?

As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:

Being slowly eaten by a manticore.
Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom.
Gradual impalement on your own wand.
Being tied to a chair and forced to watch episode after episode of The Wiggles/Blues Clues/Dora the Explorer.
Death by Mandrake (according to season).
The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.)
Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties.
Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).

What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?

Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible.

(See above)

What is the salary like?

You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.

Does the Dark Mark hurt?

Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?

Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?

No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.

But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)

Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?

You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.

Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?

Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.

What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?

This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.

The Death Eater Anthem

(To be memorised by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.

Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?
When all is dim and dark?
Who murder people in their beds
Or sometimes in the park?
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Our blood is pure as pure!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We all love Voldemort!
We serve the Dark Lord every day,
We're always very loyal
And if with us you don't agree
We'll boil you in hot oil!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're evil as can be!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
But if we're scared we'll flee!
Our curses are incredible.
We're known for our Morsmordres
And though our leader is insane
We always follow orders.
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're wickedness collective!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Yet rather ineffective!

Health and Safety:

Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:

Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.

Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.

If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)

Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).

Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.

If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.

Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.

Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.

Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.

Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.

Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.

Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.

Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).

Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.

Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)

I WANT A GUY...

Someone who would sing to me at random moments.

Who would let me sleep on his chest.

A BOY who would get mad at someone if they called me UGLY or were mean to me.

I want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away.

He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then

Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh.

He would take me to the park and

give me big bearhugs all the time.

He would tell all his friends about me and SMILE when he did.

And we'd make out in the pouring rain.

He would never be afraid to say "I love you" in front of his friends,

and we'd argue about silly things and then make up.

I want a boy who would kiss me at midnight on New Years

Someone who would tell me I'm beautiful but not too often,

who would make me laugh like NO ONE else could.

But mostly, I want someone who would be my best friend and would never BREAK MY HEART.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their but to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here?

Calling me STUPID won't make you SMART,

Calling me WEAK won't make you STRONG,

Calling me UGLY won't make you PRETTY,

Calling me POOR won't make you RICH,

Calling me FAT wont make you PERFECT,

Calling me UNCOOL wont make you COOL,

So why bother?

I know I'm not perfect,
I know I'm a geek, in many ways,
I know I listen to "Weird" bands,
I know I like to read,
I know I like school, even teachers.

BUT:
I know I have true friends,
I know I'm loved,
I know who I love,
I know I can overcome ups and downs.
And I know who I am.

One bright day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Draw their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn't see,

So they chose a dummy for the referee.

A blind man went to see fair play,

A dumb man went to shout "Hooray!"

A paralysed donkey passing by,

Kicked the blind man in the eye.

Knocked him through a nine inch wall,

Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

And ran to save the two dead boys.

And if you don't believe it's true,

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,

Who calls you back when you hang up on him,

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,

Who holds your hand in public and in front of his friends and family.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you.

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Sometimes you just have to smile and walk away...hold your tears in and pretend you are okay.

To me, writing is more than a passtime or a way to express yourself.

It's an escape, a way to forget your troubles and the troubles of the world around you.

It's a way to live out things that would be almost impossible in the real world and do things that you wouldn't normally.

To put yourself in someone else's shoes and to get away from the stress in your life.

To just dissappear into a world you created and relax.

Writing isn't just a way to kill time.

Some Quotes That I Like:

"Imperfection is beauty, and madness is genius. It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

- Marilyn Monroe

"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
- Oscar Wilde

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

"Sometimes I go into my own little world...but that's okay, they know me there."

-J. Hodgson

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know,
and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing one two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly."

- Barbara J. Winter

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance."

- Bruce Barton

"Some people are runners, and some people are doers. Runners wish they could do. And sometimes, doers wish they could run."

Some Random Funnies I've Found That I Strongly Believe Need Sharing:

"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."

"God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."

"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."

"The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day." --Ask anyone who knows me, this is like my life's complaint!

"Retreating! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!"

"Smile; tomorrow will be worse." -- I'm a diehard pessimist. Tomorrow's gonna suck worse so let's make use of this sucky day, right?

"Everytime I hear that dirty word 'exercise' I wash out my mouth with chocolate."

"Best friends,

You fight. I fight.

You hurt. I hurt.

You cry. I cry.

You jump off a bridge; I'll get a paddle boat

save your retarded ass."

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and then just sit back and smile as the whole world sits there and wonders how you did it."

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things. -- Contributed to me by Sorrel-Piedra

She said that she wanted to get high - he took her to the tallest hill in town.

She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink - he gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated pepsi and said ‘drink up’.

She said that she wanted to shoot herself - he gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger and aimed it at her face.

She said that she wanted to cut herself up - he took a polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors and had her cut it up.

She said that she wanted to see her blood - he took her to get her ears pierced.

She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep - he had her watch a sad romantic movie before bed.

She said that she wanted to be alone - he gave her a nametag that sad "my name is: ALONE."

She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always; he asked when he wasnt.

Release the object you are currently holding,

Allowing gravity to take force upon it,

Causing it to fall to the ground,

As if said object contained mass quantity of themal energy,

translation for those who are not scientifically inclined:

"Drop it like it's hot"

Friendship is like peeing yourself: Everyone can see it, but only you can get the warm feeling it gives.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

When life gives you lemons, give life a wedgie!!

"Stop, Drop, and Roll" doesn't work in hell

Jesus died for "Myspace" in heaven!!

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & Those who can't

Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

I used up all my sick days, so I am calling in dead

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

Ever stop to think, but forget to start again?

Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.

If at first you DO succeed, then don't look so astonished

My knight in shinning armor turned out to be a fool in tin foil.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Education is important. Although, school is another matter entirely.

Music is love in search of words.

Isn't it a cruel idea to have an 's' in 'lisp'?

Always forgive your enemies, it's the best way to annoy them out of their minds!

I ran with scissors and lived!

I agree with the dictionary: Girls before Guys, Partying before Studying, and Friends before Love

I don't obsess. I just think intensely.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The knack of flying is attempting to fall... and missing the ground.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone has a weird side. Me and my friends just prefer to make it public.

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? That's a really good question...i wonder...

I was thinking, while I was running... About not hitting trees, I hope.

Forget love..I'd rather fall in chocolate!

Yes, I'm weird. No, I don't care.

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver.

Girls are better than boys because we're girls. Without us, boys wouldn't be here.

Girls rule, boys suck. The. End.

Yes, I ask stupid questions. Yes, I do it on purpose.

Our opinion is not ridiculous or little. It is smart alecky and important.

Do you make an effort to be an idiot..or is it a gift?

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Somebody needs a happy meal.

Music is like candy, you throw away the rappers.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

If you don't like me, there's nothing I can do. Newsflash honey, I don't live to please you!

We fall for stupid boys, make lots of stupid mistakes, talk really fast, and laugh incredibly loud. But us teenages girl are really good at one thing: Staying strong.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.

When people don't laugh at our jokes, we don't think of it as, "You had to have been there." thing. It's more of a "You would have to be mentally retarded like us" thing.

Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.

I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends wouldn't talk to me.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

He who smiles in the midst of a tradgedy has found someone to blame it on.

1. If you're not angsty, you should be.
2. There is no such thing as coincidence.
3. Evil takes the form of four Japanese mangaka.
4. Everything's better in alternate universes.
5. If you're precious to your brother, you're probably doomed.
6. Actually, if you're precious to anyone, you're doomed.
7. In fact, you're probably just doomed anyways.
8. Treasure your eyes. You never know when they'll be taken away.
9. Subtext really does equal buttsex.
10. Everything has a price.
11. The most powerful people are alcoholics.
12. Never trust the bunny/pork bun.
13. True love always prevails. Usually.
14. Love comes in all forms.
15. At least you’re not Subaru.
16. Nothing says love like agreeing to be somebody’s primary food
source.
17. If someone comments on your eyes being pretty, you will probably
lose them several chapters later.
18. Even if you and your beloved are a canon couple, by the end, you
still won’t have kissed.
19. Even in other series, you still will not kiss.
20. If your grandparents are constantly on vacation, they most likely
don’t exist.
21. Never carry your most treasured item around with you.
22. Everybody has an evil twin.
23. Tokyo Tower is, more than likely, the source of all evil.
24. If you’re good-looking, you’re doomed or angsty. Probably both.
25. Don’t expect to live a happy life. You’ll only be disappointed.
26. The more they smile, the harder they fall.
27. Your fan base is directly proportional to how angsty you are.
28. Everyone is pretty, even when bleeding or in agony.
29. Torture and mind games are just another way of showing you care.
30. Your boss is bad for you.
31. The world is split into three genders: male, female and androgynous.
32. Blood is aesthetic.
33. It’s not real magic unless you can conjure a two-meter-wide magic
circle.
34. Flat strips of paper can reach the same speed as an F1 race car.
35. Fire doesn’t burn unless the plot requires it to.
36. No matter how ripped your shirt gets, it’s not coming off.
37. Men with black hair and glasses (including sunglasses) cannot be
trusted.
38. Anyone who says having magic powers is cool could not have been
more wrong.
39. It’s possible to store two swords and enough clothing for four
people inside the mouth of a bunny/pork bun.
40. Who wears short shorts? Little boy detectives wear short shorts!
41. Four leaf clovers aren’t as lucky as they’re made out to be.
42. If you’re a character voiced by Megumi Ogata/cool/fan favourite/
bishounen, you’re doomed.
43. Hell, you’re in a CLAMP anime. You’re doomed.
44. Remember your dreams- they’re the key to the plot.
45. If you can’t whistle, “hyuu” instead.
46. If you feel someone’s watching you, they probably are.
47. If he’s tall, dark and handsome, he’s taken- by the
outrageously cute boy standing next to him.
48. Feathers have the ultimate power. Buy a chicken.
49. If your series is happy sugar-coated fairies and gay, you will
most likely all die a horrible death at the hand of a psychotic clone.
50. Everything will be alright.
51. Just because you return from a journey, doesn’t mean you’ll
return in one piece.
52. Everything happens in Tokyo.
53. Cute stuffed animals make the best magical servants.
54. Swords longer than your height are easy to manage.
55. Attack names/chants are more important than actual skill or
experience.
56. Cherry blossoms are a sign of good luck.
57. Cherry blossoms are a sign of bad luck.
58. Cherry blossoms are- sod that, if you see cherry blossoms, run.
59. Even after your heart is pierced by someone's hand, you will still
have plenty of time to divulge deep dark secrets/words of wisdom/angst/
last words before you actually die.
60. Show your true love not by exchanging rings, but eyes.
61. No one is really happy. They’re just hiding some dark secret.
62. Dressing someone up in cute but outlandish outfits is a sign of
great love and affection.
63. The easiest way to solve a love triangle is to kill somebody.
64. Inanimate objects have feelings.
65. Eyes, especially magic ones, are in high demand.
66. Cosplay is completely normal in Tokyo.
67. Love your parents while you can.
68. The general public is oblivious to strange/supernatural/
inexplicable/mysterious events/people/objects.
69. Don’t give your name to strangers.
70. Wherever you are, there is a Miyuki somewhere in the background.
71. Apparently, magic allows you to eat other people’s eyes like
candy.
72. Walking between a fence and a lamp-post will send you to another
time/dimension.
73. Never trust shop owners

This has got to be one of the most clever
brainteasers I've seen in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Favourite quotes (from a long list):

All the episode end quotes from FMAB.

Basically anything anyone said in FMA ever. (Unless Envy said it.)

'Seven times down, eight times up.' -Japanese Proverb.

'I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they fly past.' -Douglas Adams

'I believe in God, but I also believe in morality, which is doing what is right regardless of what I am told. Not in religion, which is doing what I am told regardless of what is right.' -Anonymous.

'The world's not perfect, but it's there for us trying the best it can. That's what makes it so damn beautiful.' -Roy Mustang (Fullmetal Alchemist).

"Britain is not an island... Yes, yes it is, but..." -Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4

'I did not trip and fall! I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.'

You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid backside.

'Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.' -Miles Kington

“Sometimes carrying the burden of an upsetting truth, and hiding it, is actually a gift you give to someone else. You bear that burden, so they don’t have to, in a situation where telling them will change nothing.” ― Cassandra Clare

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” –Ellen DeGeneres

'The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.'

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

'America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.'

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

'It's always in the last place you look' Well DUR! Because you stop looking after you find it! HELLO!

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

They say guns don't kill people, people kill people, but honestly i think guns have something to do with it because if someone just stood there and said "bang," i don't think many people would be dead...

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow.

People fear the strange and unusual. I am the strange and unusual. FEAR ME!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" -Unknown

"Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."-Unknown

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it." --Unknown

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe striving to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning." --Rich Cook

“You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.” - Unknown

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

"Love your enemies! It really pisses them off"

"Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

"Here's a toast -- To those who challenge us to mind games, but forget to bring their equipment!"

You're just jealous because we act retarded in public and people still love us!

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Smile. It confuses people.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The world is cruel... get used to it!

Not all scars fade, not all wounds heal.

If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade... or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.

If youre paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Icecream doesn't have bones!!

A day without sunshine is like... night.

A rabbit, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"

"It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone."

"Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that."

"When life gives you lemons, chunck them at the people you hate."

"It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with."

"I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do,kill me?"

At last! My plans for world domination are complete! MAHAHAHAA? Oh look, something shiney?

Behold the mighty...chihuahua?

Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

To put it nicely, I hope you choke

True love is when you don't want to sleep because real life is so much better than a dream

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ― Apple Inc.

“Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die.” ― Herbert Hoover

“There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for.” ― Albert Camus

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well".
From: "More Maxims of Mark”. ― Mark Twain

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin

“You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.”
― Bill Watterson

“Procrastinate now, don't put it off.” ― Ellen DeGeneres

I believe in God, but I also believe in morality, which is doing what is right regardless of what I am told. Not in religion, which is doing what I am told regardless of what is right -Anonymous

"Forget what hurt you in the past but never forget what it taught you." -Anonymous

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ― Mark Twain

“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”― Friedrich Nietzsche

"Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is."— Albert Camus

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.” ― Mark Twain

“The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.” ― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington

“Man is always prey to his truths. Once he has admitted them, he cannot free himself from them.”― Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays

“I quote others only to better express myself.” ― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

“I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.” —Jarod Kintz, I Want

“Who is more humble? The scientist who looks at the universe with an open mind and accepts whatever the universe has to teach us, or somebody who says everything in this book must be considered the literal truth and never mind the fallibility of all the human beings involved?” —Carl Sagan

“Real life's nasty. It's cruel. It doesn't care about heroes and happy endings and the way things should be. In real life, bad things happen. People die. Fights are lost. Evil often wins.” —Darren Shan

"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."

Some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

You keep important things in your fridge. For instance, an ice pack if you've been wounded. A bottle of water if you are dying of thirst. And a basket of strawberries if a maniac came up to you and said 'Give me a basket of strawberries right now or I'll poke you with this large stick.' -Lemony Snicket

Girl: Talk to her!

Boy: I don't know. She won't ever like me.

Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing.

Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.

Girl: Then tell her.

Boy: She won't like me...

Girl: How do you know that?

Boy: I can just tell.

Girl: Well just tell her.

Boy: What should I say?

Girl: Tell her how much you like her!

Boy: I tell her that daily.

Girl: What do you mean?

Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.

Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem, but he'll never like me...

Boy: Wait. Who do you like?

Girl: Oh some boy.

Boy: Oh... she won't like me either

Girl: She does.

Boy: How do you know..?

Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?

Boy: You.

Girl: You're right, I dont like you, I love you

Boy: I love you too.

Girl: So are you going to talk to her?

Boy: I just did.

AND NOW! A LOAD of Random Other Stuff that I copied and pasted...

When Life Gives you Lemons, Make Lemonade!

When life gives you mayonnaise... throw it back and say, "B!TCH I ASKED FOR LEMONS!!"

When life gives you lemons throw them back and demand vodka.

When life gives you vodka, call all of your friends for a party.

When life gives you lemons, it wants you to make lemonade. When life gives you apples, it's trying to scare your doctor away.

When life gives you lemons, call him a pervert and ask if he reads fanfiction.

When life gives you oranges, ask what is with his obsession with citruses.

When life gives you lemons, it wants you to make lemonade. When life gives you oranges, it wants you to make orange juice. When life gives you apples, it want you to make apple juice. And when life gives you grapes, it wants you to get drunk.

When life throws you lemons and it hits you in the eye, tell everyone you know "life is a bitch".

When life chucks lemons at you and hits you where it really hurts, squish the lemons and tell everyone, "life hurts you where it hurts you most".

When life gives you lemons, cut them up and squeeze it in your water and plant the leftovers seeds. It will grow into a tree eventually!

When life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in someone's eyes.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

When life gives me lemons, I squirt lemon juice in life’s eyes.

When life gives you lemons you make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how in the seven hells you did it.

When life gives you lemons, thank them and make some lemonade.

When life gives you lemons, giggle like the fangirl you are and wink suggestively at life.

When life gives you lemons, you mail them back in a package along with a "mysterious ticking noise".

When life gives you lemons, you burn life's house down.

When life gives you lemons, find the guy who got the ice and tequila and throw a party.

When life gives you lemons, don't eat them by themselves... You should never eat a lemon by itself...

21 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1: At lunch time, sit in your car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2: Page yourself over the intercom. Do not disguise your voice.

3: Every time some one asks you to do something, ask them, "Do you want fries with that?"

4: Put you garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5: Put decaf in the coffee maker (home or work). When everyone gets over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

6: In your memo book, on all your checks, put "FOR SMUGGLING DIAMONDS".

7: Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance To The Prophecy".

8: Dont use any punctuation

9: As often as possible, skip instead of walking.

10: Order diet water whenever you go out with a serious face.

11: Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12: Sing along at the opera.

13: Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14: Put mosquito netting around your work area (or room) and play tropical sounds all day.

15: 5 days in advance, tell your friend that you can't go to their party because you have a headache.

16: Have friends or coworkers address you by your wrestling name "Rock Bottom".

17: When the cash comes out of the ATM yell, "I WON! I WON!".

18: When exiting the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!".

19: Tell your children (or younger siblings) that "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.".

20: Ask your dog if it's comfortable with its name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright.

21: And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity is... Copy this and put it on your profile!

Things to do in a Lift

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7. Say DING at each floor.

8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.

23. Stand in the middle of the elevator and proclaim loudly, "I must find a more suitable host body!"

24. Turn to the other passengers and say, "Now, I'll bet you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today."

25. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

28. Tell people that you can see their aura.

29. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

30. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

32. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

33. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

34. Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.

35. When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "9") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker!"

36. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

37. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

38. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

39. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

40. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

41. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Natural Highs
Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one. It Does Make You Feel Good, especially #45.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say somethi ng nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the _expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter.

One of my best friends died recently; I'm really upset. He was such a great guy and I miss him. Maybe you knew of him. Most people did. I hope it wasn't you who contributed to his death, otherwise I shall dispatch a vicious band of lions to disembowel you. Okay, I don't have a troupe of lions at my disposal, but I can find one, trust me. My friend was a paragon of amazing. His name was Common Sense. I am sorry to inform you of his demise. Mourn with me.

Dearly beloved…we gather here to say our goodbyes. Here he lies…

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate and teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Rest In Peace, my old friend.

Reasons why girls are the best

1.We got off the Titanic first

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

16. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

17. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

18. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

19. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

20. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

21. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

22. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

23. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

24. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

25. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

26. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark

Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the heck is drinking my dang coffee.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do.

Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's ether my mum or dad. Or my older brother Will. Or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu. But I think it's Will.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

If you only break for falling Jedi Masters, I congratulate you.

Invade and dominate Wonka Factory and become a Sith Chocolateer today!

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Why do all superheroes wear spandex? Does it provide more lift or something?

Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous: You suck.

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"To the world, you may be just one person, but to one person, you may be the world"

"In a world of Cheerios, be a Fruit Loop!"

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss"

"Within you I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to become lost again"

"Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river."

"Men came before women because every masterpiece needs a rough draft"

"If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives."

"'There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side."

"What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?"

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"In God we trust; all others must pay cash."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."

"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."" (btw, that means 'I don't speak English' T-T)

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"

"Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film."

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."

"The road to success is always under construction."

A rejected invention: Instant water! Just add water!

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

You're intoxocated by my very presence

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I see regular people!

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is full.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I don't suffer from insanity,... I enjoy every minute of it

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth

I've got A.D.H.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have! (I really do have ADHD. And oh the thrills of magic markers!! Hahaha! Not really)

Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

You call me a Bitch well a Bitch is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment :D

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping the voices in my head out.

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, off the occasional cliff and into sliding glass doors.

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s he gonna do kill me?

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!

Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls our good at 2 things: Staying Strong and Being Ourselves.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL

Forever isn't as long as it use to be.

My friends are the kind who would spend hours on end trying to drown a fish.

So there is this thing in life called insanity; me and my girls have gone pro.

Go ahead and rain on my parade, I have a really cool umbrella.

Don't frown when you're sad, you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

Life's to short to blend in.

Parents spend the first part of your life teaching you to walk and talk, then they spend the rest telling you to sit down and shut up.

We were giving 2 hands to hold, 2 eyes to see, 2 legs to walk, but why only 1 heart? Because the other one was given to someone else for us to find.

One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

Our eyes are placed in front, because it's always more important to look ahead than back.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks I call my friends.

You laugh now because your 3 months older than me, but who will be laughing when ur 30 and I'm still 29?

I'm the kind of person who will burst out in dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

I agree with the dictionary, girls before guys, partying before studying, friends before love.

They say; guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think if you stood there and yelled BANG, you wouldn't kill too many people.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh when everyone tries to figure out what the heck u did.

When life gives you lemons, chuck 'em at the people you hate.

I'm the kind of girl who falls then apologizes for it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

Just when i was getting used to yesterday, today came along.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

Your eyebrows are as beautiful as an enormus caterpillar.

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

My friend's the kind of person that breaks the silence at a funeral by screaming "KUNG POW CHICKEN"

I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorous. But not so much tastey!

P.S I never changed, I just got tired of pretending I was happy.

-BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom.

-Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

-BE nice to losers. one day they might be cool!

- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -

- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?

'I need tampons!'

- "Flying is simple. You just throw yoursef at the ground and miss."

- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

- You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

- if you don't ask no one can say no

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

- The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

- He who laughs last didn't get it.

- When there's a will, I want to be in it.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

- If trying fails cover up all evidence that you tried

When in doubt, push random buttons!

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where's my ceiling?"

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

Slinky Escalator = Endless fun.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I used to have superpowers, but then my therapist took them away.

Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Some people are like slinkies. They are pretty much useless, but always bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

I am always late for work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.

Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!

Sometimes I Wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!!

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Normal people worry me

The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.

ADOST: Attention Deficit-Ohh Shiny Thing

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You know you're a geek when procrastination doesn't affect your grades.

Relax. Nothing is ok...

Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

You don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?"

I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive.

Whoever said "words don't hurt" have obviously never had a hard-backed encyclopedia hurled at their head.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Robbers stab you in the stomach. Boyfriends stab you in the heart. Friends stab you in the back. Best friends poke you with straws.

Earth is full. Go home.

Flying is very simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

I'm only mean to people who tell me to be nice!

Curiosity killed whoever got in my way.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Smile. It scares people.

An overly positive attitude may not be enough to solve a problem, but it sure ticks people off enough for it to be worth it!

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff or bridge...

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

The cops never find it as funny as you do.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

People say I've lost my sanity, but I can't lose what I never had.

Nine out of the ten voices in my head agree that I'm insane. The tenth is off chasing cars.

The voices in my head don’t like you.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door.

I used to have a life, but that was before video games!

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

So if I have to expect the unexpected does that mean I'm expecting the expected which is expecting? (I'm really confused now.)

Normality will be restored as soon as we're sure what it is.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. (Will my left leg do?)

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Never doubt the power of an extremely pissed off woman. (‘Specially if it’s Teacher.)

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane . . . because well behaved kids never made history.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Growing old is mandatory . . . growing up is optional . . .

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm not random, I just have many thougt- OH! A DUCK!

I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face.

Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.

WARNING: Jumping into toxic waste does not give you superpowers.

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but then it gets boring, so I go back to being me.

When nothing goes right... go left.

I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me.

It's a beautiful day, now watch some idiot screw it up.

OOOH.. DRAMA! Let's get popcorn!

Do NOT interrupt me when I am talking to myself.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems...

Do it today! It might be illegal tomorrow!

The first sign of madness is talking to yourself. The second is when the voices in your head answer back.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid

And to think you are the result of millions of years of evolution.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Not all people are annoying. . . . Some are dead.

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Make like a guillotine and head off.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. (Which is where I am.)

I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now.

If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

All work and no play means you will die in seven days.

I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous.

Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.

WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.

If I throw a stick, will you go away?

Best friends know how stupid you are and still choose to be with you in public.

I am NOT saying you’re stupid...I'm just implying it.

Don't try to out-weird me -- I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.

You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it’s gone.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.

Don’t mess with me - I’ve got a stick.

He said I love you, I sneezed and said sorry I’m allergic to bullshit

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

You say 'crazy' like it's a bad thing.

I'm not afraid of death. What's it going to do, kill me?

When in doubt, make up words!

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it. (And I may or may not be responsible for setting you alight in the first place.)

What happens if you scare someone half to death twice?

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

I'm sorry, I forgot you were an idiot.

Out of my mind, be back in 5 minutes.

Excuse me, but do I look like someone who cares?

Hand over the video game controller and no one gets hurt!

If attitude could kill, I'd be a weapon of mass destruction.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to me when I'm talking to myself.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

WARNING: If you ask a stupid question you might get a smart ass reply.

I come with my own background music.

If you are grouchy, mean, irritable, or just plain stupid, there will be a $500 dollar fee an hour to put up with you. (I've had to put up with a lot of people lately so my price multiplied by ten.)

THINK: It's not illegal...yet.

My life is one of those "YOU HAD TO BE THERE!" jokes.

Friends will say, "You deserve better." True friends will call him and say, "You'll die in seven days."

So many humans and yet so few with BRAINS.

Stupidity is NOT handicapped! Park elsewhere!

If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

I would imagine that if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

Did you say "Afraid of" me or "A Freak" to me? Because seriously, there both compliments.

When you're a kid, "I'm going to tell your mom," is the scariest sentence ever.

Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, but it turns out, I was mistaken.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

No one will win the battle of the sexes. There is too much flirting with the enemy.

I'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 times:
once when it's told to me,
once when it's explained to me, and
once 5 minutes later when I finally understand it.

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water. Unless it’s a chemical fire; then they use foam.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Now would be one of those times.

There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn. You learn that the really hard way.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Sometimes my mind wonders; other times it leaves completely.

There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

People are always telling you that change is a good thing, but what they're really saying is that something that you didn't want to happen just happened.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it.

Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

My attention span would be a hell of a lot longer if things weren't so damn shiny!

Yolo backwards is Only Losers Obey Yolo.

There a 50-50-90 for everything. Every time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right. You have a 90% chance of getting it wrong.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at one man.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?" (Makes me think of Edward Elric, ya know?)

.: There's three ways to do things:.
.: The right way :.
.: The wrong way :.
.: And my way, which is wrong too, but faster!:.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed - I'm not a can, so don't label me.

Excuse me...have you seen my sanity?...I think I lost it.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I see regular people!

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

One day, will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver.

When life gives you lemons throw them in life's face, they're probably poisoned.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk

I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have!

Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do kill me?

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is - why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and hook up with them later.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough!

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.

There is no "I" in team but there is definitely a "ME"...

I ran with scissors, and lived!

Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorous.

I agree with the dictionary: girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

There are three kinds of people in the world: ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends, for I may not return alive.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Don’t mess with me - I've got a stick.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.

I smile cause I don't know what the hell is going on.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what your up too

I am NOT saying you're stupid...I'm just implying it.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

I'm the kind of girl who would get fired at the M&M's company for eating most of them.

I'm the kind of girl who's not afraid to prank my friends.

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness.

Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.

Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back, but stupidity killed him again.

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"

All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.

The trouble with life, is there's no background music.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I may not follow, do not walk beside me either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I don't get even, I get odder.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then throw it back at life and steal the oranges you asked for!

In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib.

At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.

GO EEVEE

Eevee Power! Help Eevee take over the world by pasting this on your profile. Credit goes to EeveeInHeat.

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The voices in my head don't like you

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me

My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt

The fact that you think I'm listening to you just shows me how stupid you really are

Flying is easy just throw yourself at the floor and miss (not responsible for any injuries sustained from throwing self at floor)

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor

Sometimes violence is the only way to get what you want

Life isn't passing me by it's trying to run me over

I know I seem mean but it's because I don't like you

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

There's nothing wrong with talking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.

Who ever says 'as easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried to.

Justin Bieber falls off a building. 90% of the girls are crying. 9% are watching while eating popcorn. 1% are pushing Justin off the building. If you are part of that 9 or 1%, copy and paste this into your profile. ( I'm the 1% xD)

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile

65 percent of teenagers would rather watch T.V. than read. If you are one of the 35 percent that would rather have their nose stuck in a book, copy this in your profile

Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something...

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables and the chairs and table are bullies and the walls get in my way.

Just remember if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

"Are you taking any foreign language classes this year?" " Math."

If you ever see me smiling on a Monday, you'll know that an alien has killed me and is wearing my skin as a disguise

Whoever said that nothing's impossible obviously hasn't tried slamming a revolving door.

When the going gets tough, kick whoever made it that way.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If you can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If you can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If you can't kill 'em, you’re screwed.

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke at first.

Life is difficult. It's full of trials, sorrow and pain. However, if you fall down, just stand up straight, be confident and say... "WHICH IDIOT PUSHED ME?!"

Silence is gold. Duct tape is silver.

If you do it, you'll regret it. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Either way, you're still gonna regret it, so why not just do it?

A mechanic once told someone, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

A drunken man once said this to a cop. "Here Officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I'm only smiling 'cos I have no idea what's going on.

I looked up at the stars one night and thought, "Where the heck did my ceiling go?!"

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you realize that you're on fire? Do you remember to stop, drop and roll? Or do you just start running around in circles, screaming, "I'M ON FIRE!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!"

I'm gonna live forever!...Or die trying.

War doesn't determine who's right, it determines who's left.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies!

I went to the dark side. Yeah, they lied about the cookies.

Dear Dark Side, you may have the cookies, but we have the MILK!

I stopped fighting with my inner demons. We're on the same side now.

OMG! THE RAIN'S WET! -I'm not AD--Ooh, look, a butterfly!

ADOSH: Attention Deficit-Ohh Shiny Thing.

God made men first, then he had a better idea!

Nope, can't go to Hell. Satan still has that restraining order against me...

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Women are angels. When someone breaks our wings, we continue flying...on broomsticks.

I'm probably the coolest dork you'll ever meet.

I'm cute...now give me my cookies.

Boys in books are just...Better!

It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.

You couldn't handle me...even in your wildest dreams.

ADHD writer: Once upon a -- no...There was once a -- no...THE END! .

You know you're a geek when procrastination doesn't affect your grades.

I have nothing against God, it's his fan club I can't stand!

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking too good, either.

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I’m the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

I'm the kind of girl who would fall flat on my face, get up, laugh my head off, and say " That was fun!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it’s gone.

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.”

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?

Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.

This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.

Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some primitive areas.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do kill me?

Life sucks and then you die.

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

When life gives you lemons, chuck them at people you hate.

“When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade”

“When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.”

It doesn’t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full just drink it and get it over with.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?

Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?

Don’t mess with me I’ve got a stick.

Darcy- "Come to Cloud Tower. We have COOKIES!" Bloom- "Nah, Alfea has cake." Darcy- "ooh! Can I be a fairy?!"

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

“Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I’m not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Death is God’s way of saying “You’re fired.” Suicide is Human’s way of saying “You can’t fire me- I quit!”

“He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.”

“If you know me, chances are you hate me.”

Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork

If at first you don’t succeed skydiving isn’t for you.

Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.

Set sail in a general that way direction.

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed

REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting high meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was cooties?
when your worst enemies were your siblings
and race issues were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

Put This In Your Profile If You're Still 5 Inside...No Matter How Old You Are Now

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic
Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
"Please God, why is
My life always sinking? "

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
And the poor child was beaten
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrust the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless pest!"

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dieing
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
Then quickly barged in
Everything quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live. If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Copy and paste this in your profile if you think that some times we take things for granted.

Jenny was so happy about the house they had found.

For once in her life it was on the right side of town.

She unpacked her things with such great ease.

As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze.

How wonderful it was to have her own room.

School would be starting; she'd have friends over soon.

There'd be sleep-overs, and parties; she was so happy

It's just the way she wanted her life to be.

On the first day of school, everything went great.

She made new friends and even got a date!

She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be,

Because I just got a date with the star of the team!"

To be known in this school you had to have a clout,

And dating this guy would sure help her out.

There was only one proble! I'm stopping her fate.

Her parents had said she was too young to date.

"Well, I just won't tell them the entire truth. They won't know the difference; what's there to lose?"

Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night.

Her parents frowned but said, "All right."

Excited, she got ready for the big event

But as she rushed around like she had no sense, She began to feel guilty about all the lies,

But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride?

Well the pizza was good, and the party was great,

But the moonlight ride would have to wait.

For Jeff was half drunk by this time.

She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble,

And heard, call an ambulance!

These kids are in trouble!

Voices she heard...a few words at best.

But she knew there were two cars

involved in the wreck.

Then wondered to herself if Jeff was all right, And if the people in the other car was alive.

She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad.

"You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad."

These voices echoed inside her head,

As they gently told her that Jeff was dead.

They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do.

But it looks as if we'll lose you too."

"But the people in the other car!?"Jenny cried.

"We're sorry, Jenny, they also died."

Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done

I only wanted to have just one night of fun."

"Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim,

And wish I could return their families to them."

"Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied,

And that it's my fault so many have died.

Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?"

The nurse just stood there-she never agreed.

But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes.

And a few moments later Jenny died.

A man asked the nurse,

"Why didn't you do your best?"

To bid that girl her one last request?"

She looked at the man with eyes so sad.

"Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad."

Death of an Innocent

I went to a party, Mom,

I remembered what you said.

You told me not to drink, Mom,

So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,

The way you said I would.

I didn't drink and drive, Mom,

Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,

I know you are always right.

Now the party is finally ending, Mom,

As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,

I knew I'd get home in one piece.

Because of the way you raised me,

So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom,

But as I pulled out into the road,

The other car didn't see me, Mom,

And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,

I hear the policeman say,

"The other guy is drunk," Mom,

And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom...

I wish you'd get here soon.

How could this happen to me, Mom?

My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom,

And most of it is mine.

I hear the medic say, Mom,

I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,

I swear I didn't drink.

It was the others, Mom.

The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I.

The only difference is, he drank

And I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?

It can ruin your whole life.

I'm feeling sharp pains now.

Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,

And I don't think it's fair.

I'm lying here dying

And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.

Tell Daddy to be brave.

And when I go to heaven, Mom,

Put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom,

Not to drink and drive.

If only they had told him, Mom,

I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.

I'm becoming very scared.

Please don't cry for me, Mom.

When I needed you,

you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom.

Before I say good bye.

I didn't drink and drive,

So why am I the one to die?

My name is Sarah

I am but three,

My eyes are swollen

I cannot see,

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren't ugly,

Then maybe my mommy

Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all

I can't do a wrong

Or else I'm locked up

All the day long

When I awake I'm all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe I'll get just

One whipping tonight

Don't make a sound!

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse

My name he calls

I press myself

Against the wall.

I try and hide

From his evil eyes

I'm so afraid now

I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping

He shouts ugly words,

He says its my fault

That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And I run for the door.

He's already locked it

And I start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream

But its now much too late

His face has been twisted

Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

Oh please God, have mercy!

Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door,

While I lay there motionless

Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah

And I am but three,

Tonight my daddy,

Murdered me.

Child abuse, MAKE IT STOP!

She really did it

She came to me and told me.

I told her not to cry.

She told me what she was going to do.

She told me she hated her life!

I begged with her.

I pleaded.

I wanted her to stay.

I told her that I loved her.

In that friendship sort of way.

She said she couldnt do it.

She said she had nothing to loose.

I just wanted to cry right there.

There was nothing I could do!

Over the weekend I worried.

But then she came to school.

She acted all normal.

So I thought all of it was cool.

She told me she wouldnt do it.

She said she knew it would make me sad.

One of the kids overheard and said it would make him glad.

I wanted to just kill him.

But they were all the same.

Everyone puts people down.

There is nothing that you can change.

The next day she didnt come.

Or the day after that.

On the third day I got the call.

I knew her dad would crack!

But he said he didnt kill her.

And thats when I knew.

They never found her body.

So I didnt know what to do.

I took a walk the next day.

The walk we took what seemed so long ago.

Thats when I saw her body.

Lying there in the snow.

On her body was a note.

The note that made me cry.

It said I told myself not to listen.

Not to listen to that guy.

But I just couldnt take it.

I knew you would find me.

Take my body and burn it.

Dump my ashes in the stream.

So I did what the note told me.

I told no one what I found.

Now I cant trust anyone.

When they tell me their fooling around.

All because she really did it.

It left a scar on my heart.

I still think the wound is bleeding.

But I dont know where to start.

Now another one of my friends.

Wants to do the same.

Will she really do it?

Will it be the same?

People think its the answer.

But Ill tell you its not!

It may relief pain for you.

But what you dont know is where its coming from.

So try to find the answer.

Before you hurt the ones you love!

Daddy Don't Die

Her daddy was special
He was her light
He would come into her room
And tuck her in at night

Sometimes it was late when he came
Cause there mightv'e been a fire
He was always saving people
It was he who she admired

One night he didn't come home
She just waited in bed
When it came to morning she wasn't tired
She was wide awake instead

Her mommy came into her room
With tears on her face
She said her daddy was in the hospital
She said take me to this place

Not bothering to change
They ran to the car
She could not believe
She could lose her only star

He had a machine by his side
Pumping him air
But she went to hold his hand
And she just sat there

She didnt sleep
Nor did she eat
She just stared at her daddy
And stayed in her seat

Her mommy was worried
When her daughter began to talk
Daddy wake up
Daddy go walk

You won't die
Not here not now
God cannot not take you
This i won't allow

Awake from your sleep
Wake up on the count of three
Do it for Mommy
Do it for me

1...2...3

He moved a little
But did not open his eyes
His daughter climbed into bed with him
And she started to cry
An alarm starting whining
And she starting crying

Daddy not yet
You need to open your eyes
Daddy don't make us
Start saying goodbyes

Daddy wake up
Because I love you
He finally let go
And she said she heard an i love you too

On her way home
Her mommy was crying
She was not crying
Inside she was dying

She looked in the mirror
In the back seat
She saw her father and said
He's watching over me.

'Never Argue With A Woman'

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Girls Don't Realize These Things

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things

To Every Girl:

To every girl that is SCARED to put her heart out there again, because she has been HURT too many times or so badly.

To every girl that has been cheated on, because she won't give it up to any guy.

To every girl that dresses cute, not sexy.

To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.

To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.

To every girl who gets her heart broken, because he chose that b instead.

To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.

To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.

To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.

To every girl that won't put out just to get a boyfriend.

To every girl that just wants to hold hands.

To every girl that kisses him with meaning.

To every girl who just wishes he cared more.

To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.

To every girl who just wants him to call.

To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.

To every girl that just wants to cuddle.

To every girl that just wants to actually sleep in the same bed.

To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.

To every girl that thought "maybe this one could be the one."

To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.

To every girl who is just looking for that one and only, and is having a rough time along the way.

To every girl that doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.

To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.

To every girl who doesn't just want to be another pretty face.

To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.

To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face. Never again.

To every girl that has faith that "Tomorrow will be a better day." And it will be.

If you are a nice girl put this on you profile under the title : "To every girl."

If you are a guy that thinks every girl should try to think about even a few of these things repost it as "I am looking for this girl" or if u have this girl put this on you profile under the title " I have this girl"

And if you can, add another line!

When she walks away from you mad
Follow her

When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you
Grab her and don't let go

When she starts cussing at you
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared
Protect her

When she lays her head on your shoulder
Tilt her head up and kiss her

When she steals your favorite hat
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time
Reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she likes you
she really does more than you could understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
don't look away until she does

When she misses you
she's hurting inside

When you break her heart
the pain never really goes away

When she says its over
she still wants you to be hers

When she repost this bulletin
she wants you to read it -

Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.-

When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you-

Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her-

Treat her like she's all that matters to you.-

Tease her and let her tease you back.-

Stay up all night with her when she's sick.-

Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.-

Give her the world.-

Let her wear your clothes.-

When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.-

Let her know she's important.-

Kiss her in the pouring rain.-

When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's butt am I kicking?"

10 really good comebacks

1. I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

2. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

3. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

4. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

5. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

6. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

7. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

8. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

9. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

:Scarily Accurate Starsigns:

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal.
Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside
and out. Eccentric personality.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague.
Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish.
Good kisser. Beautiful.

ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge.
EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit.
Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. courageous and assertive.
Tends to be physical and athletic.

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20th)
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted.
Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts.
Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice.
Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally.
Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often.
Very generous.

GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20)
Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense.
Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally.

CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life.
Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others.
Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Likes boundaries. Tend to take over everything.
Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leo's. Attractive.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist Dominant (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
In relationships, very conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes
noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators.
Very gullible.

SCORPIO - The Intense One Very Energetic (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive.
Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic.
Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful.
Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes.
Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Dislikes being confined - tight
spaces or even tight clothes. Beautiful inside and out.

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny.
Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and
can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.

Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral to the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch followed by the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Morals to the story:
1) Not everyone who dumps shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

In Summary:
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

LEARN CHINESE IN FIVE MINUTES!

Ok read the english meaning and then "OUTLOUD" say the chinese words...

(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

1) Thats not right... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP... Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man... Dum Fuk

5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King

12) Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pa

Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriages Are Wrong (sarcasm)

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5.Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, menopausal women, women who have a medical condition which makes it harmful to be pregnant, women who have had a tubal ligation, men who have had a vasectomy, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Can you read these correctly the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

"It's just like a book. Just because you're mad and stop reading, it doesn't change the end." -Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist.

"The sword has no power if the hand behind it has no courage." -Ancient Warrior, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

"A war based on sacrifices is just empty." -Allen Walker, D.Gray Man.

"That's why war is so tragic. To win means to make victims of your opponents and give birth to hatred." - Kratos Aurion, Tales of symphonia.

"Why are you trying the fit in when you're born to stand out?" -Ian Wallace, What A Girl Wants.

"Silence is just so freaking loud." -Owen Armstrong, Just Listen.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant Robert McCloskey

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying Oscar Wilde

Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable Oscar Wilde

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee William Shakespeare (so basically he's saying the guy's an asshole and should get the crap beaten out of him)

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday Don Marquis

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists Don Marquis

One of the most important things to remember about infant care is: don't change diapers in midstream Don Marquis

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop G. Weilacher

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic Unknown

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers Dave Barry

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner Lynda Montgomery

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night Dave Barry

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically Dave Barry

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care Dave Barry

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already Dave Barry (Yes I think this guy is awesome)

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required” Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it Dave Barry

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid Dave Barry

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm' Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me Dave Barry

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables Dave Barry (I DARE you to try to say 'deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism')

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it Dave Barry

The fact that one of the most-covered stories in the study was about the removal of warts using duct tape, a topic which has questionable public health value, and that the story originated in a press release from a renowned medical journal, shows that we in the community have work to do James Pribble

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe Albert Einstein

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day Bill Watterson

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? Bill Watterson

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor? Bill Waterson

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his George S. Patton

May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't George S. Patton

Only dead fish go with the flowAnonymous

If I didn't have writing, I would be running down the street hurling grenades in people's faces Paul Fussel

Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!" (I am against suiside but I think this is funny)

I was born intelligent but education ruined me...

Inside every old person there's a young one-wondering what the heck happened

Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. Woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected. And next to the heart to be loved...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

People may not remember what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel

Few woman admit their age; fewer men act it.

Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.

I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

Those who think they know everything annoy those of us that do.

Every time I say the word 'diet', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

What if your name was Anonymous? You’d get the credit for everything nobody wanted credit for.

Why do people say ‘heads up’ when you should duck?

What would happen if you said ‘Hi’ to a friend on an aeroplane who’s name is Jack?

What does OK actually mean?

Wouldn't it be ironic if someone were to choke and die on a life savor?

Does it really count in court when an Atheist is sworn under oath using a Bible?

Why is it that when we are humming, and we block our noses, the humming stops? Do we really hum through our mouths or our noses?

Are children who speak sign-language allowed to talk with their mouth full?

How fast do hotcakes sell?

What do vegetarians feed their dogs?

Do stuttering people stutter when they think to themselves?

Isn't it strange that Halloween is the one day a year that your parents tell you to take candy from strangers?

Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?

How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?

Why do people say; ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it too!’ Who would buy cake if they couldn't eat it?

Why aren’t safety pins as safe as they say they are?

Why do companies offer you ‘free gifts’? When has a gift NOT been free?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

Can mute people burp?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to say, “See the chicken over there?... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt.”?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

If you made cookies with chocolate milk instead of plain milk, would they taste chocolaty?

What was Captain Hook’s name before he got a hook for a hand?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it’s all about?

Why does the Easter Bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

Can you slam a revolving door?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why does it say ‘May contain traces of peanuts or other kinds of nuts’ on peanut butter jars? Surely anyone buying peanut butter was well aware of this.

Why is it that people duck in the rain? Do they really think it will leave them alone?

If a pope goes to the toilet, is it considered holy crap?

You know how most packages say ‘Open here’, what is the protocol if the package reads ‘Open somewhere else’?

Why does mineral water which has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? How much more sour could it become?

How can there be ‘self- help GROUPS’?

How can someone ‘draw a blank’?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

I know you can be overwhelmed, but can’t you ever be whelmed just right?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?

Can blind people see their dreams?

What's the opposite of ‘opposite’?

Do sore thumbs really stick out?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouths closed?

Why can wizards make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?

Do vampires get AIDS?’

Can you cry under water?

Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

-Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my dear children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Behind every great woman there's a man staring at her ass...

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

Sometimes I wonder why that Frisbee’s getting bigger... and then it hits me.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people...

Friends will always be like "well, you deserve better", but best friends will prank call him whispering "seven days..."

A friend wipes your tears when you're rejected; a best friend walks up to him and says "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

"OW! This rock tripped me! I hate this rock. CHRIS! We need to get somebody to kill this rock!" - Kid Who Lives In My Court

"How sad. The rollie-pollie suffocated." - Different Kid Who Lives In my Court

"Justice doesn't mean the bad guy goes to jail, it just means that someone pays for the crime." - Andre Bryant, Freedom Writers.

"It's exactly the same; people still live, cry, laugh, and die." - Edward Elric, Conqueror of Shamballa.

"Motion pictures... and weapons of war. Science has created them both. So while others point their guns, I'll have my camera... Offering fantastic dreams of other worlds, just beyond our reach." - Frizt Lang, Conqueror of Shamballa.

"Don't look back. If you got something to do, then only look forward." - Kurogane, Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles.

"On the day we left, we burned down the family home and all the familiar things inside. Because some memories... aren't meant to leave traces." - Alphonse Elric, FullMetal Alchemist.

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." - Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight.

"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight. " - Lt. James Gordon, The Dark Knight.

"Lay off, I'm as normal as they come and this is a contest of freaks. What do you want me to do, fire my slingshot at him?" - Maes Hughes, Fullmetal Alchemist.

"You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones that you have to look out for cause, you never know when they're going to do something incredibly stupid." - Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean.

“When I die, I want to come back to a place exactly unlike this.” - Prince of Persia.

“My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.” - Ashleigh Brilliant

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.” - Mae West

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time” - Friedrich Nietzsche

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” - Oscar Wilde

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.” - Rodney Dangerfield

“The Jersey mentality is: I work, I drink, I stay up all night, I try to meet a girl, it's a waste of time.” - Gerard Way

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey

Join the dark side. We have cookies!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

People say brunettes are boring. Brunettes will rule the world some day (This is actually true. Brunette is a dominant gene).

A good girl is just a bad girl who's never gotten caught.

Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid?

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

IN THE CINEMA: Wait for it to go quiet and then stand up loudly and yell "I can't find the remote to change the channel!"

Very few personal problems can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

There are three types of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

History lesson: the dinosaurs didn't go extinct, Barney came and they all committed suicide.

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." (Been there, done that. God, witty, comebacks anyone?)

"People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door." (HEY!! I've done it before. the door just... umm... broke)

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. (Not if you ate Michael Jackson. He's all plastic)

Tell the truth and run. (But what if I run slow?)

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. (And I live by that every day)

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (You DIE dumbass)

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... (God, that is so true in so many ways... wait, what?)

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" (Nice one. God, I swear mine is one!)

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it? (God, I'd die if I had a cake and couldn't eat it)

"When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade" (GOD! Wait, I say god too much, don't I? No I don't. Yes I do. No I don't. Yes I do... continues to rant until the voices in her head get bored and leave)

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. (So much for not making a comeback)

Don't mess with me I've got a stick (And I have no idea how to use it)

I ran with scissors, and lived! (DAMN YOU'RE GOOD!)

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder (So me)

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. (Okay, who's stalking me?)

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you. (voice of that when you see a cute puppy and go "CUTE!" Awww, it makes me wanna puke!!)

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." (God, that would be funtertaining)

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." (How many times have you heard that line? Come up with a better one, people, I'm getting bored.)

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else" (I am especially unique, if you catch my drift)

"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real." (Oh, fuck you. I AM perfect)

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not." (Sappy, much?)

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. (romclmao!)

Ever had writers block when talking? (Yep, everyday)

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over. (Wish I could say the same for some...erm...well certain fictional characters cough cough Tasha cough cough)

Smile, and the world will smile back at you. Laugh, and they'll all think you're on drugs. (God, how may of you have been in that situation. Someone say something, I'm feeling left out here)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak. (So true. That's why my sister gets to do her oral reports first)

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it. (Oh, like you wouldn't?)

"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence." (Okay, who wrote this? You get a high five!)

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. (You know who you are)

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away. (I had the same problem, but I got them back with much begging to the voices in my head)

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. (Okay, hands up if you think this is so true that the person who wrote it should get a nobel prize. That's what I thought)

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. (One of my favorites!)

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. (Totally)

The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy. (Actually, that would be my friend Rachael)

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation. (I never do, what do you expect?)

My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone. (Okay, this is just uncanny...)

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I hate it when you go to get your mail and a kowala hits you in the head with a waffle iron.

I was just stuffed in to a bag by a fat creepy guy in a red suit. alright! fess up! Who put me on their Christmas list?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Ever wonder about those people who spend 2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I've got a jar of dirt. i've got a jar of dirt. and guess what's inside it. -Captain Jack Sparrow

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then I get hit in the face.

"It's not strange to argue with yourself. It's only strange to argue with yourself and lose."

"E for Exceeds Expectations. And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams." - George Weasley, Harry Potter.

"The house of Godric Gryffindor has commanded the respect of the wizarding world for nearly ten centuries. I will not have you, in one night, besmirching that name by behaving like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons!" - Professor McGonagall, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

"'I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!'
'What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?' said George indignantly…" - Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix.

"Raine: What was that enemy's name?

Colette: I like Poochie!

Raine: No dear, I meant the species." - Raine Sage & Colette Brunel, Tales of Symphonia.

"From the moment they are born, everyone has the right to live" - Lloyd Irving, Tales of Symphonia.

"What will you accomplish by dying? Nothing! There is no meaning in dying!" - LLoyd Irving, Tales of Symphonia.

"No matter how right your words are, you have to actually carry it out in order for them to have any meaning." - Lloyd Irving, Tales of Symphonia.

"In order to do something, you must do it yourself, it is not enough to merely rely on someone else and go along with their ideals." - Kratos Aurion, Tales of Symphonia.

"She's ignoring me on purpose."

"It's not on purpose, everything I do is intentional."

"Isn't that the same thing?" - You Know Who You Are, True Discussion.

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, she asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to cry.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked her for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question.

She was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

You're never alone...

At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

You mean the world to someone.

You are special and unique.

Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks. Good friends are like stars.
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.

I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truckload when I'm gone.

I Love my Dad:

At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping
it all over his lap.

When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him
by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to
football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by
jumping out
of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to
the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch
certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house.

When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion.
You thanked him by telling him he had no taste.

When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You
thanked him by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him
by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked
him by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus
carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm
so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you
how deeply he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the
country.

When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You
thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their
children.

And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came
crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

If you love your dad, post this on your profile

A Dad's Poem

Her hair was up in a ponytail,

and her favorite dress was tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school, eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,

for everyone to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called a student from the class,

to introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare,

each of them was searching, for a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out.

"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,

Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her, she smiled up at her Mom and looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone. A

nd though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart,

I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a fireman and died just this past year

when airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."

And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.

And to her mother’s amazement, she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.

‘They’ say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this on you're profile.

Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school.

He told his friends that it was cool

And when he pulled the trigger back

It shot with a great crack.

Mummy I was a good girl,

I did what I was told,

I went to school,

I got straight A's,

I even got the gold!

But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye.

I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry!

When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another

And all because he got the gun from his older brother!

Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much

And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush

And tell my little sister that she is the only one now

And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best Mummy

I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest

Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class

And never to forget this and please don't let this pass

Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this

Mummy warn the others,

Mummy I left without a kiss

And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try,

I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry

I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest

But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest Mummy

I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack

Mummy listen to me if you would I wanted to go to college

I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with daddy

On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married

I wanted to have a kid

I wanted to be an actress Mummy

I wanted to live

But mummy I must go now

The time is getting late Mummy

tell my Chris I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date

I love you mummy I always have I know you know it's true Mummy all I wanted to say is

"Mummy I love you"

In memory of the Columbian students that were lost Please if you would Pass this around I'd be happy if you could Don't smash this on the ground If you pass this on Maybe people will cry Just keep this in heart For the people that didn't get to say "goodbye".

3 EASIEST WAYS TO DIE:

1.Have a cigarette daily
-You'll die 10 years earlier

2.Drink alcohol daily
-You'll die 30 years earlier

somebody who doesn't love you back
-you'll die daily

I am a Yaoi fan girl and proud of it!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.

When you are born, you are given two eyes to see,
Two legs to walk,
Two arms to hug,
Two ears to listen.
Your even givin two shoulders to shurg at
But how come your only given ONE heart...?

The answer is quite simple actually...

You just have to find the other one.

You May Be A Writer If:

Every time you hear a song, you think of a new story or one you've already written.

You have the last chapters of a story done before even thinking of the characters names.

You often imagine your books becoming movies.

Spell check is your best friend.

You give even the smallest of characters a huge background.

You hesitate before killing of one of your favorite characters.

You smile really big when you are going to finally write a character love scene.

Every time you read something, you make your own story of the same thing.

You'll spend an hour trying to find one word cause you won't dare use a synonym.

Not being able to write is like not being able to pee to you... you just can't hold it in for so long.

You write so fast, you leave out words in a sentence.

You have to tell at least one person your whole story before it's even written.

Things that are written badly annoy you and make you want to re-write it better.

You laugh at jokes you wrote yourself.

You can spell words like 'troublesome' but can't spell 'the' half the time.

If you are not writing or typing, your fingers are moving constantly.

You talk to yourself...constantly.

When you have to write some sort of story in class, you get carried away.

You would rather die than use words like 'good' or 'nice' and etc.

You put off the last chapter of a story simply because you don't want it to end.

You start to cry when writing about a death or other depressing event you knew was coming, and you are the one writing it.

When on a roll, you will ignore hunger, sleepiness, or the urge to pee until you run out of ideas.

If a story, movie, show, etc. finishes without closure, you have a powerful need to write a suitable ending.

You like to fidget, tap, or chew on the tip of something when you are trying to come up with a new sentence, paragraph, chapter, or story.

You are in love with the Thesaurus.

You dream about your stories.

You dream of new stories.

You often revisit some of your old stories.

Someone can call your name twenty times without you hearing if you're writing.

You would rather talk to the voices in your head than the person sitting next to you.

You would rather write than go out.

Your/you're and their/there/they're are errors that send you into an apoplectic fit.

You get cranky if you don't get to write.

You've heard/seen something, and thought, I need to write that down.

You wake up in the middle of the night and scrabble for a pen and paper you keep next to your bed to write down a scene to make the voices be quiet so you can get some sleep.

Getting the scene finished is more important than coffee, the bathroom, or food.

A blank wall becomes the screen where the scene you're writing takes place right in front of your eyes.

You can't write because you're mad at one of your characters.

You argue with said character.

You start to laugh out loud in public at what something your character might say.

Even though you try your hardest to resist, you often correct your own grammar on IM.

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself too much.

Your family/friends have come to the ignore the habit of your talking to yourself.

You've apologized out loud to a character after doing something horrible to them.

Female come backs:

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together.
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together.

Man: Going my way, babe?
Woman: I'm going the other way, genius.

GIRLS REPOST THIS AS "female comebacks"
GUYS REPOST THIS AS "don't let this happen"

In Harry Potter Remembrance:

In Remembrance to Severus Snape,
A Slytherin who died like a Gryffindor,

In Remembrance to Fred Weasley,
Who fought bravely to the very end,
And whose jokes will forever brighten his other half,
And will loyally await his soul mate and brother,
With many jokes,
He's got forever to think of them, right?

In Remembrance to Dobby,
Who was more free and full of love,
Than any elf, and most humans.

In Remembrance to Remus J. Lupin,
The last real Marauder,
Who was not just a wonderful father,
An incredible husband and a brave hero,
As well as an awesome warewolf,

In Remembrance to Nymphadora Tonks,
Who died for the greater good,
And would probably hex me for calling her Nymphadora,

In Remembrance to Alastair 'Mad Eye' Moody,
Who's motto 'Constance Vigilance' kept him alive,

In Remembrance to Tom Marvolo Riddle, A.K.A Voldemort,
Who was pretty cool and cute when he was younger,
But who got his ass kicked thoroughly in the end,

In Remembrance to Albus Dumbledore,
Whose past and wisdom confused us,
Whose seeming betrayal shocked us,
But who actually turned out to be an okay guy in the end,

In Remembrance to Bellatrix Lestrange,
Because it was awesome how Molly Weasley got her with the Avada Kedavra,
She deserved everything she got in the end,

In Remembrance to Colin Creevey,
Who we really didn't know too well,
But took a lot of pictures and died fighting in the war,
So he must've done something good...
Besides stalking Harry,

In Remembrance to Hedwig,
Harry's first real friend,
Who lived and died soaring.

(Thank You Hades' Winged Shadow)

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr./Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Dude … we really messed up … but that sure was fun!”

FAKE FRIENDS: Never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a book about you, with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butts that left you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what’s wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!

FAKE FRIENDS: Make you say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost this.

1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.

2. The future is not set in stone.

3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.

4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.

5. True love knows no boundaries.

6. Some people are just danger magnets.

7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.

9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.

10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.

11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.

12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.

13. Family is about more than just blood.

14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.

15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.

17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.

18. There are exceptions to every rule.

19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.

20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.

21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.

22. Cold hands = Warm heart.

23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.

24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.

25. Romeo was an idiot.

26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.

27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.

28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.

29. Space heaters can be very annoying.

30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise

I am the girl ... that doesn't go to school dances, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird, and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.

But I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn't care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Torchwood, who can express herself better with words, and knows the importance of the little things.

Copy and Paste this onto your account if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest times that they are unique, but not alone.

Smiles And Tears, Giggles And Laughs.

Late Night Calls And Cute Photographs.

I'll Be There For U Till Da Day Of My Death.

Best Gurlies Forever Till My Very Last Breath. -dunno

Wanting him is hard to get.

Loving him is hard to regret.

Losing him is hard to accept.

But with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet. -dunno

37 Things to do in an Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.

7. Say "DING!" at each floor.

8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.

23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.

24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.

29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.

31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who wants to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.

33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

34. Tell people that you can see their aura.

35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time” When someone walks in.

FactsOfLife

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane . . . because well behaved girls never made history.

If your name is Mr.Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Growing old is mandatory . . . growing up is optional . . .

We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But we teenage girls are good at 2 things: Staying Strong, and Being Ourselves.

Life was so simple when boys had cooties!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm not random, I just have many thougt- OH! A SQUIRREL!

From Insane Demon Fox's profile:

When life gives me lemons, I make orange juice and leave the world to wonder how the heck I managed it

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

"Tears are tiny oceans of sorrow." -Captain Plankbeard from Chibi-Robo

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."

"Male or female, black, white, yellow, or blue, love who you love, no matter what anyone says. Love is too precious to be deterred by someone else's prejudices."

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr.

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." -Albert Einstein

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday

Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas

If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating.

Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!

That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter

When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic.

You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it

He who laughs last thinks slowest

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work

I'm not cynical, everything just sucks

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good

I'm not as dumb as you look

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

"Are we fighting?" "No, if we were fighting, you'd be on the floor, bleeding."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh becase you are all the same.

When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.

You are only what you are when no one is looking.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I'm bored. Run for your sanity.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

"I want to die in my sleep like my great grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car..."

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

You were born an original, Don't die a copy.

A life is a life...

Many people walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave a footprint in your heart.

If someone betrays you once it's there fault; if they betray you twice it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people

Today's a gift, that's why they call it the present.

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To
obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first Law of
Equivalent Exchange,But the world isn’t perfect, and the law is incomplete.
Equivalent Exchange doesn’t encompass everything that goes on here. But, I still
choose to believe in its principle: that all things do come at a price. That
there’s an end, a flow, and a cycle.

If your a FullMetal fan copy and paste this in your profile.

The star of the football team
has a blind dad
who always comes to his games,
even though he can't see him play.
One day, the dad gets sick and dies
before the night of his son's big game.
The team is expecting him to slack off,
mourning the death of his father.
But he played the best game he EVER had,
making the winning touchdown
& many amazing plays.
The couch is amazed, so he asked,
"How did you play so well even after your father has passed?
The boy stares right at him, and says
"This is the first time he has ever seen me play."

This story is so sad. If it doesn't touch your heart at least a little, you must be made of stone.

This story is so sad. If it doesn't touch your heart at least a little, you must be made of stone.

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Re-post this in your profile if you want to, I really like it.

This is my quote of the moment section.

Quote #1: 'Fishfingers and custard' DoctorWho (It almost made me cry, 'cos I'm just that sad)

Quote #2: 'Demons run when a good man goes to war. Night will fall and drown the sun, when a good man goes to war. Friendship dies and true love lies, night will fall and the dark will rise, when a good man goes to war. Demons run, but count the cost. The battle's won, but the child is lost.' Doctor Who

Quote #3: 'The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but at least it makes for an interesting journey.' Anonymous

Quote #4: 'There's no such thing as black and white, just varying shades of grey.' Anonymous

Quote #5: 'I'm saying believe in magic, you muggle.' Big Bang Theory

Quote #6: 'I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying I'm going to blame you.' T-Shirt

Quote #7: 'Thank God for small murders.' Midsummer Murders

Quote #8: If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.' No Fear T-Shirt Company

Quote #9: 'The older I get, the faster I was.' No Fear T-Shirt Company

Quote#10: 'Growing old is inevitable, growing up is a life-style option.' Anonymous

Quote #11: 'If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not the sport for you.' Everywhere

Quote #12: 'What are you, some kind of Persian ninja?' Bones

Quote #13: 'I'm not going out there without a bullet-proof couch.' M*A*S*H

Quote #14: 'You're like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.' The Thick Of It

Quote #15: 'You may not remember, Sherlock. I was a soldier. I killed people.' 'You were a doctor!' 'I had bad days." Sherlock

Quote #16: 'Does he still have that rubbish beard?' 5th Doctor 'No. No beard this time. Well, a wife.' 10th Doctor Doctor Who

Quote #17: 'Your sarcasm has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.' As Time Goes By

Quote #18: Dean Winchester 'I'm Batman.' Sam Winchester 'Yeah, you're Batman.' Supernatural

Quote #19: 'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go' Oscar Wilde

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree. The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

Monday's Child

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child works hard for a living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

"Tears are tiny oceans of sorrow." -Captain Plankbeard from Chibi-Robo

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."

"Male or female, black, white, yellow, or blue, love who you love, no matter what anyone says. Love is too precious to be deterred by someone else's prejudices."

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr.

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." -Albert Einstein