NEVER ATTRIBUTE TO MALICE THAT WHICH IS ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED BY STUPIDITY.

-Hanlon's Razor

Real Name: Jeremy

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Hello.

I'm a forty-one year old recent college graduate (I just graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelor's of Science in Business Management) who is now looking to find steady work while continuing his education, first a Master's in Business Administration, then a switch to Education for the Doctorate to become a college professor. I write for the fun of it, and to have a creative outlet.

One-size-fits-all Disclaimer: Do I really have to say that I own none of these characters? This is fan-fiction. If I owned these characters, I wouldn't be posting for free. I'd be publishing hideously overpriced books and quitting my day job.

REGARDING FLAMERS: If you're going to criticize, at least have the stones to sign in and post under your own (pen) name. Signed flames will be left up (as they reflect an honest opinion), but flames posted as "Guest" will be treated as the small-minded bleating of moronic twits who get their jollies from destroying other peoples' confidence, and will be deleted.

I love it when writers get creative with imagery, but when someone writes, "It tastes like the arse end of a menstruating skunk," the first thought through my mind is, 'How the hell do you know what the arse end of a menstruating skunk tastes like?'

"For Every one that hates, there are far more who appreciate what you are doing." _, 'The Voice'

Standing Challenge to all who choose: Select any one of my short stories as a starting point and write a multi-chapter fic showing where you would like it to go. All I ask is to be notified, because I'm curious what another author would do with my basic ideas.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love,
I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers,
and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.
Love is patient; love is kind;
love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful.
It does not rejoice in wrongdoing,
but rejoices in the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
Faith, Hope, Love abide, these three
But the greatest of these is Love.
-1 Corinthians 13: 1-8, 13

For point of clarification, the official (read: legally recognized) term for "fear of magic" is "Rhabdophobia."

Random thought on everyone's favorite House-Elf: Dobby acted against Lucius Malfoy's plans when he warned Harry about the Chamber of Secrets. Shouldn't this have caused problems with his House Elf bond? I suggest that the convoluted logic was that, as the bound elf of the Malfoy clan, Dobby had an obligation to protect life over plots. Lucius's plan was too reckless, and his plot endangered every student at Hogwarts, theoretically including Draco. Dobby could have convinced himself that, by derailing Lucius's plot to release the Basilisk, he was, in fact, acting to safeguard the life of the Heir to the House.

Allow me to play Devil's Advocate: There are those that argue that the character of Susan Bones is NOT an orphan as she's often depicted in fanfiction, and site a scene from Order of the Phoenix to prove their point, that if her father was dead, they would mention him and not her uncle and his family. To argue the other side, remember that the discussion of the chapter wasn't about Susan, but about the Azkaban escapees. Susan's Uncle Edgar and his family were murdered by one of the escaped Death Eaters (Mulciber, I think), therefore, Edgar's death was the death relevant to the conversation. There is nothing in canon (or even on the lexicon) that states conclusively one way or the other the status of Susan's father-- he could have died at the hands of a Death Eater who, himself, later died (or escaped imprisonment, like Lucius or MacNair), or even died in a manner totally unrelated to Death Eaters (remember, even in wartime household accidents still happen). So, I see nothing in the Harry Potterverse that either confirms or disproves Susan Bones's orphan status.

Devil's Advocate Part II: Many Weasley bashing fics cite, as evidence of Molly/Dumbles' manipulation the original meeting at King's Cross where Molly is asking her children the Platform number, citing her 'forgetting' the platform when it's the only magical platform there as proof she's trying to lure Harry in. Personally, her dialog with the kids (especially Ginny) reminded me of when teacher asks a question and the child is expected to remember from earlier lessons. My take on this scene was exactly that: she had homeschooled her children until they started Hogwarts, and was checking to see if Ron/Ginny remembered their lesson about the Hogwarts Express.

The Potter family as I see them: Many fanfic writers make Harry richer than Midas, descended from every famous wizard from Merlin on down, and owner of half of wizarding Britain. Honestly, this isn't only too easy, it makes Manipulative!Dumbledore nigh-on impossible, as such 'nobility' wouldn't be trusted to one man no matter what his reputation or pedigree. So, here's how I see the Potters:

Cliche: The Potters are Ancient and Noble. In my stories, the Potters are a relatively young magical family, only three or four hundred years old. As such, they rose to 'power' after the Statute of Secrecy was signed and therefore never had the opportunity to earn a 'Noble' title. Their family tree may include inventors of popular devices (such as the Floo system), but no notables on the level of Merlin or the Founders. They are traditionally Half-Bloods, with only James (and his brother Raymond, who I made up) just BARELY qualifying as Pure-Bloods due more to chance than design. Their hereditary seat on the Wizengamot was 'purchased' by James's great-grandfather around the turn of the century to settle a debt owed them by a declining family (the Weasleys, who currently hold Harry's Wizengamot seat in proxy).

Cliche: The Potters are insanely rich. In my stories, they are from generations of upper-middle class, mostly in the import/export business and with significant dealings with the Muggle world (and of course, the aforementioned inventors). Harry's trust vault is well-stocked, but the Potters were anticipating paying for ALL of Harry's expenses through seventeen, and therefore their will placed more than half of their liquid assets in the Vault following their demise. The Dursleys never saw a penny of child support thanks to Dumbles's questionable placement of Harry, which partially explains their attitude towards Harry (it does NOT excuse it though). They have a modest investment portfolio, and their business is largely run by managers during Harry's enforced absence.

To the various nitpickers out there: This is fiction. I'm not even writing historical fiction here. I could care less if my 'historical facts' don't match up with history's latest reinvention of the Bible, the Bolshevik Revolution, or mythology. Any 'historical inaccuracies' should be put down to this being an alternate universe where Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore are real people instead of storybook characters. So please, enough already with the reviews about some historic fact I didn't get exactly right. Kindly limit your reviews to the story instead of the history (which I failed in high school anyway).

Today on Fanon Mythbusters: Veela can only produce daughters and cannot have sons. Canon Evidence: On Rowling's official website jkrowling dot com, there is a hidden Easter egg showing a family tree diagram of the Weasley family as of the Book Seven Epilogue (with small notations for Luna Lovegood, Draco Malfoy, and their significant others and children). For Bill and Fleur (the only Veela shown beyond background character status in Canon), their children are listed as Victoire (Female), Dominique (usually female, but in France can go either way), and Louis (Male). Ergo, in JKR's canonverse, Fleur produced at least one son, debunking the myth that Veela cannot have sons. This myth is pure fanon and therefore DEBUNKED.

The Star Wars Question: Who shot first, Han or Greedo?: After viewing this scene in three different releases of the movie, my assessment is: it doesn't matter. To quote the famous gunslinging lawman Wyatt Earp: "A lightning-fast miss never won a gunfight." Therefore, the real question is "Who HIT first?" Considering Han and Greedo were sitting about three feet apart, and each fired once, this becomes self-evident. Han's shot went straight into Greedo's gut, while Greedo's shot managed to strike the wall above Han's shoulder (and Han didn't even dodge!). Therefore, Han clearly won, and if Greedo's marksmanship was so bad he missed a stationary target, three feet away, then he really wasn't cut out to be a bounty hunter anyway.

Continuity Issue: I know, I know, fanfiction is by definition AU, as you're writing a new story for established characters (if you're not going to change anything, why not just reread the original source material?), but there's one continuity issue that a lot of people seem to have confused in Harry Potter that they think they're staying canonical in: Sirius's communication mirror. Many people speak of the mirror as if Harry knew about it and chose not to use it, but that does not fly with the actual sequence of events:

1. Sirius gives Harry a wrapped package at Christmas, doesn't tell him what's in it, but tells him not to open it yet. He says it's a way Harry can call him for help. Harry, determined not to call Sirius into a potentially deadly situation, buries it, still wrapped, at the bottom of his trunk.
2. The whole Department of Mysteries battle happens, resulting in Sirius's death.
3. Harry finds the STILL-WRAPPED mirror in the bottom of his trunk, unwraps it, and reads the note, then breaks the mirror in frustration and self-loathing.

Conclusion: With no idea what was in the package, the package never mentioned to ANYBODY (including Ron & Hermione), and the package buried out of sight FOR MONTHS, it's easy to see that Harry forgot its very existence. It's easy to see how this communication method was forgotten, especially since Harry had only the sketchiest details about it and never looked at it for the 5-6 months between the two incidents.

I am NOT one of those writers who obsesses over how many reviews I get. I, personally, prefer quality over quantity. A review that basically only states 'good job!' or 'LOL!' is, in my mind, hardly worth the effort of posting. I could figure THAT much out by whether or not you Favorited the story. If you're going to review me, please, please tell me what parts you liked (or even what you didn't), as that will help me refine my writing style far more than a simple 'attaboy' will do.

As far as Harry Potter stories go, I like just about anything that is well-written, with a few exceptions:

I HATE the fact that JKR thought Ron and Hermione would make a good couple (I don't think she could have chosen a worse partner for Hermione without going into Death Eaters or their spawn).

I think Ginny is an okay match for Harry, but Hermione and Luna are both better matches.

I think Dumbledore is either a senile old fool or a manipulative B@$@&). Either way, he has one too many irons in the fire and one too many screws loose (I originally read that in the fanfic Searching for the Power by GinnyMyLove on , but it just sounded perfect to describe the Whiskered Wanker). Even those of you who think Dumbledore is a good guy should remember a couple things: he grew up in a time when values were very different, and things like child abuse just did not happen (the neighbors would 'sort out' the abuser if he was caught). There's also the fact that he's been in power so long, at some point he started to believe his own press: that he's perfect, infallible, even if he only believes it subconsciously. It's why he never seems to actually listen to anyone's advice (people talk to him, but he never seems to change his admittedly bad decisions). It's also led him to stop seeing people as people, but instead as chess pieces, to be moved about, manipulated, and sacrificed as necessary to win the game. Finally, he's just plain old (even by wizarding standards). As we get older, our thought patterns become more set, more rigid. We're less open to change, and become more about the 'old days' and tradition (which is why conservatives are often portrayed as old, and progressives as young). Simply put, he's too old to truly accept that times and circumstances have changed, and his old methods don't work anymore. When you get right down to it, Dumbledore's biggest flaw has always been arrogance-- he's been told he's great and wonderful and wise for so long that, at least on a subconscious level, he honestly believes it. Decades of being hailed as perfect would turn the head of even the humblest man (and his history with Grindlewald shows he was never that), so it's not surprising (but still a major problem) that he honestly thinks himself infallible. Recommended Reading for Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore: Moby Dick, by Herman Melville. In particular, picture Albus in the role of Captain Ahab, and Voldie in the role of the White Whale. Like Ahab, Albus only saw his obsession with destroying Voldie, never noticing the collateral damage or cost of doing things his way, until his obsession was his undoing-- and the undoing of so many innocents who believed in him.

To those who question why my OCs tend to be non-Brits: My main reason for doing this is to create a character who grew up outside of Britain, and therefore outside of the prejudices and preconceptions of that society, particularly with regards to Dumbledore. Throughout the series, adult British wizards seem to fall into two categories: Those who think Albus Dumbledore hatched from a phoenix egg and farts rainbows and lemon drops, and Death Eaters and their collaborators (and despite Rowling's mini-diatribe, through Sirius, in Order of the Phoenix about how "the world is not divided into good people and Death Eaters," Umbridge certainly seems a willing and eager collaborator, Fudge pretty much vanishes from the series after his brief appearance at the beginning of Half-Blood Prince, and Skeeter's expose of Dumbledore comes out awfully fast following his death and certainly helps tear down his image, something Tommy-Boy would certainly support). By making Samuel and Leona Glyphs American (and, in a future story, Professor Pythagoras Vector an Aussie), I'm creating adult characters who fall into neither camp-- someone who doesn't think every word out of Dumbledore's mouth is golden, while not being immediately hostile towards him either. Samuel in particular, being a member of Dumbledore's family, can easily walk the fine line between being loyal to the man and being well aware of how flawed and fallible he truly is. Also, I like showing that a lot of the prejudices we see in the canon series are probably specific to Magical Britain. I'm not saying the others do not have their prejudices, but a society dominated by bigots and run by an oligarchy (self-appointed quasi-dictators) is likely to have more, and more severe, prejudices than a society that strives to be egalitarian. Samuel and Leona, for instance, feel none of the prejudices against werewolves that Brits have practically institutionalized, as they grew up in a society that handled the condition differently-- seeing lycanthropy as a disease to be cured, rather than turning decent humans into monsters who should be put down.

I think Severus Snape was a self-serving, egotistical prat who was never as loyal as Dumbledore insisted he was. Dumbledore and Voldemort were two of the most accomplished Legilimens in Britain, and regularly had cause to snoop through Snape's cerebellum (and Voldie at least was enough of a bastard to do so without so much as a 'by your leave'). Snape had to be a good enough Occlumens to deceive at least one of them, so why not both? In the end, I think the only person Severus Snape was truly loyal to was Severus Snape.

I respect any writer who puts Weasley bashing into a Harry/Ginny romance (seriously, that's hard to pull off).

I think any parent who inflicts the name "Albus Severus" on their child should be arrested for child abuse (along with several other names JKR used--Nymphadora? Seriously?)

I dislike Snape being shown as a sympathetic character (So he was abused as a kid! So was Harry! Look how he turned out!)

In general, I dislike 'Harry is the brother of the Boy Who Lived' stories, largely because most of the writers turn Lily and James Potter into the Dursleys in them. If you want Dursleys, use the Dursleys, people. JKR provided us with two perfect narrow-minded bigots for that role, you don't need to make more.

I do NOT like Gay!Harry stories (nothing against gay people, just don't like the stories) ESPECIALLY the weirdoes who pair him with DRACO MALFOY!?!?! Come on, people! If Harry was gay, he could get a MUCH better gay guy than that jackass!

To those who get the two terms confused: ParselTONGUE is the language of the snakes. ParselMOUTH is the magical talent of speaking it, or the person who has said talent.

I believe Ron Weasley is a selfish, jealous, fair-weather friend who abandoned Harry on at least two occasions when Harry needed him most, absolutely the worst kind of friend Harry could have when he was the center of the war. If Harry had actually known what friendship was when he boarded the Hogwarts Express in first year, he probably would have been as put off by Ron Weasley as he was by Draco Malfoy.

I enjoy a good Harem/Coven story, but only if there is actually a plot instead of nonstop smut.

I especially like authors who come up with something that hasn't been done to death (robst is especially good at this).

Most of my stories are vignettes (plot bunnies) that I just feel like getting down, so don't expect huge, multi-chapter epics (I couldn't plan a long story to save my life).

I also HATE the way Hedwig died in Deathly Hallows. She's a bird! It would have made far more sense to let her fly free than to burden down the escape teams with an animal in a cage-- Owls are fierce predators, and she would have been fully capable of defending herself. Instead, she's locked in a cage and helpless when the end comes. Me, I think it was just JKR's half-assed drive to cut off Harry from all forms of help (every time he got help before the final battle, someone ended up dying, or a source of help was cut off). AND WHY DO SO MANY FANFIC WRITERS GO ALONG WITH THAT BIT OF IDIOCY? Don't kill Hedwig! At least not in such an off-hand, ignominious manner! If you write Hedwig's death scene, use the movie, not the book, as your template! Dying fighting to protect her wizard is MUCH better than dying trapped in a cage, unable to defend herself! Have I mentioned what a colossal brain fart the entirety of Book 7 was?

I believe Harry's best romantic interest is Hermione AND Luna in a true Triumvirate (Hermione and Luna love each other just as much as they love Harry and Harry loves them equally). Personally, I think these two complement each other perfectly-- Hermione is about logic and rationality, Luna about philosophy and faith. As more than one Lunar Harmonian has put it: "They look at the world in completely different ways. If they ever agree on something, only a fool would ignore them."

When I use the word "faith" (particularly in conjunction with Luna Lovegood), I'm not referring to religion. I'm referring to "faith" in its true definition-- the belief in something unproven and possibly even unprovable (like God, or Luna's Crumple-Horned Snorkack, which I've always pictured as a long-eared rabbit with a unicorn horn).

Regarding the final two books of canon: I believe that JKR is guilty of a mistake many first-time authors make (and make no mistake, despite Harry Potter's incredible popularity, it was still Jo's first story), in that, when writing a long story, eventually, the story and characters take on a life of their own. Important plot lines wither and fall to the way side, minor characters become major, key relationships change. I have no doubt that, when she originally thought up these characters, Ron and Hermione were friends with a mildly argumentative rivalry, something that exploded in canon to the point where the two characters seem to have nothing in common other than their friendship with Harry, and would probably hate each other openly without him. Anyway, I believe that, at some point around the publishing of book five, JKR looked hard at her story, realized it no longer worked with the epilogue she had written for book seven (I have heard that she wrote it even before Philosopher's Stone was published), and instead of doing the responsible thing and chucking the old epilogue in favor of one that worked, she tried to force the story back on to the original track. I also think she was tired of the Harry Potter franchise and just wanted it to end without caring about quality (hence the confusing mess that was the Battle at Hogwarts in book seven).

And am I the only one who was intrigued by the symbolism of Harry's first appearance in the series carried in Hagrid's arms was echoed at the end of Deathly Hallows when Hagrid carried his 'dead' body out of the Forbidden Forest? If Harry had a true Protector figure in his life, it was not Dumbledore, Sirius or the Weasleys. It was good old misunderstood and underappreciated Rubeus Hagrid.

If I review your story, bear in mind I make one basic assumption: Your Potterverse is canon up to the beginning of your story unless otherwise stated. For example, If your story starts at the beginning of Harry's Fifth Year, I'm going to assume that Cedric Diggory died at the end of the Triwizard Tournament at Pettigrew's hand unless you actual SAY in your story that it happened in a different way (Cedric survived, was never even in peril, died another way, etc.).

I'm most definitely NOT a fan of 'deus ex machina' endings-- ones where the heroes' salvation and final victory comes completely out of left field, usually from some godlike being, and completely unsupported by the story that came before. In my mind, it's a cop-out that's taken when a writer can't come up with an ending that makes sense (and quite frankly, I think JKR's use of the Deathly Hallows was exactly that-- the Cloak and Ring probably had no significance until she started writing the seventh book).

And for the record, I'm not so much pro-Harry/Hermione as I am ANTI-Ron/Hermione.

A request to anyone who knows for sure: at this point, I believe that somewhere, at some point, JKR identified Hermione's parents as Dan and Emma Granger. I've seen far too many fanfic writers use that specific combination of names for the elder Grangers for it to be coincidence. If anyone knows for sure and can point me to the reference, I'd really appreciate being pointed to it. (Addendum: It has been pointed out to me that most writers who use these names are Harmonians, and the actors who play Harry and Hermione in the movies are Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson. An homage perhaps? I doubt anyone knows who started it at this point though.)

For Those Interested: This is the Bio I worked up for my sorta-OC in the Harry Potter Universe, Professor Samuel Glyphs:

Birthdate: April 23, 1919, in Boston City Hospital, Boston, Mass., USA
Blood Status: Half-Blood
IQ: 167 (Incidentally, 5 points below Hermione Granger's)
Wand: 9 1/2 inches, Red Maple w/ Griffin Pinfeather Core (Lefthanded)
Hammerstein Index: 48 (low-level wizard, but his real skills are in non-expressive magic)
Family History: Father: MSgt Russell Cairn Glyphs (USMC), Muggleborn (b. Sep 2, 1900, Salem Class of 1917, d. Apr 10, 1942, in Combat)
Mother: Adelle Ariana Dumbledore, Halfblood (b. Apr 9, 1901 out of wedlock, Salem Class of 1917, d. Mar 6, 1959, circumstances classified by US State Department)
Maternal Grandfather: Aberforth Dumbledore, Halfblood (b. Unknown)
Maternal Grandmother: Karina Selwyn, Pureblood (b. Unknown, d. May 21, 1901, circumstances unknown)
Wife: Leona Weissheit, German Halfblood (b. June 12, 1918, Salem Class of 1937, m. Jan 21, 1939, d. Dec 9, 1979 in Death Eater Attack)
*Samuel's children all attended Salem Institute*
Son: Nalshay Glyphs, Halfblood (b. Aug 12, 1949, m. Oct 1, 1971 to Russian Halfblood Natasha Romanov)
Grandson (through Nalshay): Simon Eduard Glyphs, Fullblood (b. Jul 1, 1977)
Grandson (through Nalshay): Albert Thomas Glyphs, Fullblood (b. Jan 10, 1980)
Daughter: Elena Glyphs, Halfblood (b. Mar 6, 1952, m. Mar 3, 1977 to French Pureblood Pierre Delacour (Fleur's Uncle))
Grandson (through Elena): Rafael Delacour, Fullblood (b. Dec 31, 1977)
Granddaughter (through Elena): Colette Delacour, Fullblood (b. Jun 9, 1980)
Daughter: Adina Glyphs, Halfblood (b. Mar 6, 1952, d. Dec 9, 1979 in Death Eater Attack)

Addendum: Leona Glyphs is dead in my first multi-chapter, Taking Charge. In my second, The New Leader of the Pride, her death was changed into a near-miss.

Education: Salem Institute of Magic, Sept 1, 1930- June 12, 1937, Graduated Eighth in Class
Enlisted United States Marine Corps (Battalion 13 a.k.a. Mage Division) July 1, 1937- June 30, 1947
M.O.S.- Ward Breaker Final Rank- Gunnery Sergeant
Discharge: Medical

Medals: Purple Heart w/ single cluster, Bronze Star, Salem Cross (Mage)

Masteries: Ancient Runes- April 7, 1938
Arithmancy- Sept 21, 1941
Herbology- Oct 3, 1942
Curse Breaking- May 16, 1944
Potions- Aug 22, 1946
(Wow, SOMEONE knew how to get the most out of his MGIB, huh?)
Work History (Post-Military): Curse Breaker, Gringotts Boston-
Jul 25, 1947- Dec 12, 1953
Preston Magic Think Tank, Almagordo, Texas-
Jan 4, 1954- Aug 15, 1957
Herbology Teacher, Somerset Magic Institute, Colorado-
Sep 1, 1957- Jun 22, 1961
Ancient Runes Teacher, Hogwarts, Inverness, Scotland, UK
Sep 1, 1961- Present
Note: As of Sep 1, 1991 (Harry's arrival at Hogwarts), Master Glyphs has an apprentice in her second of three years for a Mastery in Ancient Runes by the name of Bathsheba Babbling (Born Feb 11, 1970 in Sri Lanka).

Physical Appearance: Caucasian, Stocky, 5'7", 180 lbs., Salt-n-Pepper Hair w/ matching goatee, silvery-grey eyes, burn scar on R. forearm, still wears wedding ring, eschews traditional wizard attire and dresses like a film noir detective

Special Magical Skills: Mage Sight- Can 'see' magic. Head trauma in the service led to Glyphs being unable to 'switch off' his Mage Sight-- cannot see normally anymore.
Esper-Blind- Cannot send or receive mental magics, is effectively immune to Legilimency, Imperius, Compulsion, Obliviation, Confundus, and other forms of Mind Magic.
Animagus Form- None
Patronus- Cannot cast
Boggart form- Ciorocco (Arabic wind-wolf)
Enchanter- Can place permanent enchantments on inanimate objects (only about 1 in 30 wizards can do this)
Polyglot- Speaks, reads, writes & understands all languages exposed to
Fighting Style: Both magical and martial fighting styles derive mainly from the 'Drunken-Man' style of Kung-Fu-- always in motion and difficult to predict
Personality Traits: Not exactly sane, but also not as crazy as he pretends to be.
Shares his 'Grampa Abe's' opinion that Albus sticks his nose into far too many things that are none of his business and keeps far too much to himself. Obviously, does not get along well with Albus. Often the lone voice of dissent at faculty and Order meetings. Will sometimes play 'devil's advocate' just to make sure others are thinking and not blindly following.
A 'fun' teacher-- knows how to keep his class's interest even during the boring parts.
Only member of Hogwarts' faculty who's not a Hogwarts alumnus.
Has been known to unexpectedly draw and use unique magickal devices of his own design in a fight (basically, an unpredictable fighter).
Known Magickal Devices: Return Blades- foot-wide shuriken magicked to return at his whistle
Shockline- twin throwing blades on cords that deliver a heavy shock on impact (a magickal adaptation of a TASER gun)
Omnilenses- Non-prescription glasses that have various effects, including 'seeing' invisibility, magnification, 'rear-view', and more
The 'Master Command'- a runic bracer worn on the right wrist that acts as a remote activator for various purposes (booby traps, explosives, distractions, etc.)

END BIO

Food for thought: The main drawback of asking a genius to help you with a problem is, they will become so occupied with searching for the complicated solution that they'll completely overlook the simple one.

While CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is appreciated, derogatory, insulting, or just plain rude reviews (aka flames) will be ignored. Criticism should also be restricted to the STORY, not trying to convince me I'm wrong about Ron Weasley/Albus Dumbledore/Severus Snape etc. This is MY fanfiction. These are my opinions. You want to debate the relative merits of certain characters, go to the forums. You don't like my take on the universe, read something else. But quit hassling me with private messages and reviews where you try to 'convert the heathen' to believing that Ron and Hermione actually make a good couple for anything other than an episode of 'Jerry Springer'.

One of my biggest pet peeves is poor spelling and grammar. I've lost track of the number of stories I was enjoying for their interesting story lines that I had to give up on because their grammar and spelling became so horrible I had to stop every few sentences to try and decipher what they just said (and no I will not name names here. That's just rude). Don't give me the 'texting generation' excuse-- texting phones are sophisticated enough at this point that the only excuse now is laziness.

I hold one truth to be incontrovertible in the Harry Potter universe, no matter who is writing it: whether Harry is good, evil, neutral, or what have you, Hermione Granger is always, always, ALWAYS his loyal supporter. So if you write stories with Hermione on the opposite side from Harry, just take it as a given that I don't like your story.

To those of you out there who are attracted to Severus Snape: You need to get the hell away from your abusive boyfriend and check into a battered women's shelter, because men like Severus Snape will only ever deliver pain and anguish. You cannot 'fix' them, they were irreparably broken long before you got them.

UNOFFICIAL GRINGOTTS MOTTO: Never piss off a being that controls access to you money.

LINES I'D LOVE TO SEE IN A HARRY POTTER FANFICTION:

1. Bellatrix: "I came into this world naked, screaming, and covered in someone else's blood, and I have no problem leaving it the same way!"

2. Any person to Weasley Twin: "Fred, I need your help with something."

George: "He's not Fred, I am!"

Person: "You know what? At this point, you've pulled that one so many times, I doubt YOU know which of you is which, so for the purposes of this conversation, you're Fred, got it?"

Twins (after a glance at each other): "Fair enough."

3. Anybody: "You know, Luna makes a lot of sense, when you realize her Squib uncle is Dr. Seuss."

4. Harry to Hermione, after learning another odd wizard rule: "I don't know why you're surprised, it makes about as much sense as anything else these wizards have come up with."

5. Anybody: "I think I've been spending too much time with Luna (or Dumbledore), that last conversation actually made sense."

6. Voldemort: "I originally wanted to be a Tax Auditor for Inland Revenue, but they said I wasn't evil enough..."

7. Voldemort: "This is what I get for recruiting inbred morons for followers..."

8. Harry to Hermione: "Do you think if we introduced a logic puzzle to their minds, the Death Eaters' brains might explode? You know, like combining matter and antimatter?"

9. Sirius to a shell-shocked Harry: "And that is why we never told your mother about your father's bachelor party."

10. Voldemort (muttering to himself): "Go to law school, Dumbledore said, they're always looking for soulless, evil people to practice law before the Wizengamot, Dumbledore said, but nooooo, I had to choose to be a Dark Lord..."

11. Harry to Hermione (regarding Luna): "We grew up believing dragons and unicorns were make-believe, why is a crumple-horned snorkack such a leap for you?"

12. Voldemort: "We have drawn the ire of the most vicious, heartless, sadistic, evil entity to ever walk the mortal coil. My dear Death Eaters, we are being hunted by... SANTA CLAUS."

13. Harry to Hermione: "Hermione, it's a school full of teenagers. No matter how many times you say 'It's S.P.E.W.,' people are still going to pronounce it spew."

14. Harry (after Hermione introduces SPEW or a similarly silly acronym): "Okay, new rule-- Hermione is not allowed to name anything ever again."

15. Harry (after being crucio'd by Voldemort): "You call that pain? My tubby Muggle cousin hits harder than you."

16. Harry: "Do you ever get the feeling that you've just woken up in a different reality than you went to bed in?"

17. Harry: "You know, Luna/Mr. Lovegood, Hermione's parents are dentists-- Muggle tooth-healers. They might be able to help you figure out this Rotfang Conspiracy you're investigating."

Connor's Report: My first story on ffn, this was my take on the poor standards of education in Magical Britain. Can anyone deny that Hogwarts is severely lacking in several departments, including the accountability of the faculty in the quality of the education they provide? Hell, even breathing doesn't seem to be a requirement to be on the faculty at Hogwarts.

The Telltale Cupboard: Kudos to those who got the Edgar Allan Poe reference in the title. Yes, this one was just meant as a one-shot to show the kind of action I think that Remus and/or Sirius would have taken had they known to what extent Harry was mistreated in that house. They are Marauders. They are subtle (Remus more so than Sirius, which is one reason I chose to use him). And any true prankster can tell you, the best pranks are the ones where everybody knows you did it, but no one can prove you did it.

Crying Wolf: Honestly, I think Severus Snape needs a reality check more than anyone else in the Potterverse. He knows damn well that Harry is critical to Dumbledore's plans, yet keeps trying to get the old man to expel the one student he will never expel, and proceeds to wreck any semblance of professionalism and credibility he might have. I wrote Aurora Sinistra the way I did because I thought it would be nice to see some bad blood between the staff members (Snape is a Death Eater after all), and Sinistra is one of those characters that is so poorly defined in canon that you can do pretty much anything you want with her.

Old Soldiers Never Die: My personal favorite of my own works. While I enjoy a good "Dark Lord Dumbledore" or "Manipulative Bastard Dumbledore" story, in my writings I prefer to write him as "Well-Meaning but Bungling Dumbledore". You have to admit, seeing Dumbledore and Grindelwald both in varying shades of Grey is more believable that the stark black-and-white that some people prefer the world to be in (Heck, even JKR admitted, through Sirius and Remus in OOTP, that "the world isn't divided into good people and Death Eaters").

Ginny Weasley, You Been Prank'd!: Like I said in the author's note, this inspiration struck me whilst reading Driftwood1965's brilliant WIP, "Harry Potter and Future's Past". Can you honestly say that selling fake love potion as a gag gift (or running a betting pool on when HHr would go public with their romance) is something the Weasley Twins wouldn't do?

How a Marauder Deals With a Troll: I'll admit, I kinda threw this one together one night when I was bored, and published it less than an hour later without even proofreading it myself, let alone having a beta reader look at it (I don't really have a beta actually). I didn't really think it was all that great, but everyone seems to like it. It's gotten more hits than all my other stories combined! No, I currently don't have plans to continue it, mostly because I'm not sure in what direction I would go with it.

Tripping Up: I think the best way to describe this one is a stream of consciousness that got way out of hand. It also shows how most of Harry's problems could have been solved in days or weeks (instead of years) if more people had been involved in solving them and Dumbledore hadn't been so hell-bent on secrecy. (On the other hand, that wouldn't have made a very exciting multi-book saga.)

Magic Ain't So Bad: My little plot bunny about bringing Dudley into the magical world where he learns that, yes, magic ain't so bad-- but it ain't automatically good, either. Not really sure where this one came from, but I thought it was worth putting up. Lisa Turpin is another of those characters who exists as little more than a name, so it's fun to write the character my way. BTW, Lisa's 'most aggravating client' was Draco Malfoy, and Harry was referring to his wife Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy and their son Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy (as mentioned on JKR's official website). Director Lupin was, of course, Tonks (twenty years is plenty of time to get promoted), and Rolf and Luna are Rolf Scamander and his wife Luna Lovegood-Scamander, with their twin sons Lorcan and Lysander (again, courtesy of JKR's official website).

Don't Come Unarmed to a Battle of Wits: My first attempt to show the actions a more pragmatic and proactive Dumbledore might have taken. For those questions I know will be asked: Yes, that is Harry's canon wand Ollivander is wielding, Vernon's losses led in part to his anger and hatred toward Harry (and working them out on He-Who-Must-Be-Hyphenated helped clear that up), and Bellatrix and Narcissa Black were forced to become hateful shrews by sadistic, evil husbands (and yes, I've always liked the popular fanfic cliche that Narcissa's true love was Remus Lupin). Also, the reason I had Kreacher, not Albus, strike the deathblow, is: Voldie's ego. The all-powerful Dark Lord would find it far more humiliating to be brought down by a lowly house-elf than falling in a pitched battle against the greatest wizard of the age.

The New Leader of the Pride: I don't know if it was canon or fanon that originally labeled the Ancient Runes Professor as Professor Glyphs (the character was later replaced with Bathsheba Babbling), and by making him my OC, I seek to flesh out a character who may have never even existed in JKR's mind. Also, I always wondered why McGonagall never did anything for her charges... hmmmmm...

How a Slytherin Deals With a Troll: Another take on the "Harry vs. the Troll in the Bathroom" idea. This one was inspired by, of all things, a televangelist on TV who asked, 'What do you want to do with your life?' (I should point out I was bored and channel-flipping when I saw him.) The name Ong for a troll I borrowed from one of my favorite fanfic writers on Ficwad-- Alorkin, writer of the masterpiece 'Jedi Potter'.

Whaddaya Mean, I'm Going to Hell?: This story is a result of the terrifying things my mind comes up with when you combine seven-layer nachos, insufficient sleep, and televangelism. It's also most likely the only story I will ever write that is DH-plus-Epilogue compatible-- and even then I have a little too much fun at Ginny's expense. GINNY LOVERS BEWARE!

Don't Mess With the BDA!: Just a bout of silliness that came from the thought, 'why did the Deez never attack the Grangers? Couldn't be the Order-- they proved completely inept protecting the supposedly more important Harry!' This is my explanation why the Daughter of Dentists was never attacked over the Summer Hols. A personal note: I got several complaints about my Methodist joke, so I decided to replace it with a mime joke-- 'cause everybody knows mimes are EVIL.

Taking Charge: I wanted to explore a possible version of the 'troll-in-the-bathroom' scene with competent faculty-- most notably my favorite OC, Samuel Glyphs. After all, it's the responsibility of the teachers to protect the students, right? And yes-- I have, in fact, been looking for a chance to have Severus Snape say that brilliant Alan Rickman line from Dogma, thank you. This has now been expanded into my first multi-chapter fic, but I have no idea where it's going. I'm just hoping I don't write myself into a corner.

A Once-Great Man: Okay, this is a departure from my usual light humor, but I thought I'd give a more serious story a try. This was a way of justifying that, despite his horrific choices, Albus was still a good man, but that circumstances only partially under his control made everything go sideways. 'The best-laid plans o' mice an' men', and all that. I sent Bill Weasley and Samuel Glyphs after the Horcruxes because... well, which makes more sense-- a pair of trained and experienced Curse Breakers, or a trio of teenagers who hadn't even graduated Hogwarts?

Who Needs Obliviators?: Wow. Just wow. This story has been up for a mere eight hours, and now I've gotten over three hundred hits, over a dozen favorites and three positive reviews! I'm surprised at how much everyone liked this little bit of silliness which was written solely for the Industrial Light & Magic joke at the end. If I come up with more fun ways to hide the wizarding world without Obliviation, I may post more parts to this one. Suggestions would be welcome.

Dementor Humour?: Okay, I apologize unreservedly for this one. It was dumb, it was tasteless, I'm fairly certain it's offensive, and I just might be going to Hell for it (assuming I was a Christian, which I'm not anymore-- I'm an Agnostic). That being said, I still just had to post this disgusting example of gallows humour. May the obligatory Deity (I like to call Him Bob) have mercy on what passes for my soul. BTW, did you catch my reference to one of my other short stories in there?

In Search Of...: This is just a one-shot piece of fluff about Luna Lovegood and the person JKR paired her with on the official website-- Rolf Scamander, grandson of magical wildlife author Newt Scamander. Anyway, I thought it would do for a light, fluffy piece.

Just a Foot in the Door: I really, really didn't like Scooter in the early seasons of The Muppet Show. I've worked with people like that before: Have a relative in a position of importance and use that connection to bully everyone else into giving you whatever you want. Thankfully, Jim Henson eventually mellowed out his character.