This is my response to all those Slash fics where Draco is actually a Veela and has chosen Harry as his mate and all that shit. I don't care if you like Slash or Veela!Draco fics; I personally find them distasteful and many of them are just plain sick. I have a particular hatred for M-preg fics; I mean really, people, there is no logical explanation for a man getting pregnant. What, is the baby supposed to come out of his ass or is it going to burst out of his stomach and result in him bleeding to death?

Sorry about the rant. I don't own Harry Potter. Oh, and I also don't own any songs from Hairspray.

Big, Blonde, and Beautiful

Harry blinked several times as his mouth hung open.

"What?" he said dumbly.

"You heard me, Harry," said Dumbledore brightly. "Young Draco here is a male Veela and has chosen you as his mate."

"What?" Harry repeated.

"Oh, come now, Potter," Malfoy said with what he thought was a seductive grin. "Don't tell me you didn't sense it. There's always been something between us."

"If by that you mean a very, very, very deep sense of loathing, then yes," Harry replied. He then turned back to Dumbledore. "Is this even for real? As far as I've seen, Veela are always female. I even read in a book that Veela are immortal female creatures who are only allowed to become mortal when they find a human mate and that any male offspring are always human and any female offspring are a fifty-fifty toss-up between human and Veela."

"Now, now, Harry, let's not disrupt the situation with meaningless facts," Dumbledore admonished. "I think this is a marvelous opportunity for you both to settle your differences and promote inter-House unity. So, if you'll just be ready after dinner this evening, we will have the wedding ceremony and you will be Mrs. Malfoy."

Harry looked about ready to be sick. Draco swaggered over next to him and took him by the arm.

"I just can't wait for the wedding night," Draco said. "We'll have at least five children, I think."

"And how the hell does that work?!" Harry screamed. "What, is the baby going to pop out of my arse?! Or is this going to be like the face-hugger and a mutant alien spawn bursts out of my chest?!"

"Harry, sweetie, please use your indoor voice," Draco shushed.

"Headmaster, you can't do this!" Harry yelled.

"I'm sorry you feel this way, Harry," said Dumbledore. "But, really, it is for your own good and I think it would be nice for you to have a significant other who cares so much about you. Besides, if you don't agree to mate with young Mr. Malfoy then his Veela powers will cause him to die."

"And that would be a loss how?"

"Why won't you love me, Harrykins?!" Draco sobbed. "I've got money, good looks, and power, what more could you want?!"

"Harry, I am afraid the wedding will go through as scheduled," said Dumbledore firmly. "I suggest you apologize to your fiancé for your rudeness and be ready for the wedding as soon as dinner concludes."

Harry didn't apologize to Draco. He simply bolted from the room and ran in search of help.

Escape would be impossible. Dumbledore had all the exits sealed off and had the faculty follow Harry practically everywhere. Harry had managed to slip away long enough to meet with the one person who had any chance of getting him out of this. As soon as dinner had vanished from the tables, Dumbledore stood up.

"I have a very important announcement to make," he declared.

That's when Luna Lovegood got up from Ravenclaw table, grabbed Harry by the front of his robes, and marched over to where Draco was sitting at Slytherin table.

"I object!" the girl shouted. "Malfoy, I am going to explain things so simply even a Scatterblatted Humperdink like you can understand." She then thrust her hand down and grabbed Harry's very ample male parts through his clothes. "This is mine! My property that you can't have. My Harry, my Harry's male bits, my Harry's well-formed arse. You can't have it. If you ever try to touch my man again, I will end you!"

She then reassumed her dreamy smile while still feeling Harry up through his clothes.

"However, I will share with a very select group of other girls, but only if I can join in. Daphne, Tracey, you are both more than welcome." She turned back to the Gryffindor table. "Hermione, you're at the top of my list for girls who can share Harry with me."

"Thanks, Luna," Hermione said uncertainly, her eyes locked on where the blonde girl was groping Harry.

Luna then turned to the headmaster.

"Professor Dumbledore, I think you can call off that marriage you were trying to force my boyfriend into," she said with a sunny smile.

"I…er…"

"Listen, Lovegood," Draco protested. "I'm not giving Potter up without a fight."

"Okay, then," Luna replied and rammed her foot right into Draco's male parts. "Wanna know why I did that, Draco?" Luna said cheerily, stomping the boy again. "It's because I'm big, blonde, and beautiful," she sang, stomping him on each chord. "I offer big love, with no apologies. How can I deny Harry the most of me? No, I am not afraid to stamp you down. Pound," STOMP, "by pound," STOMP, "by pound!" STOMP. "'Cause I'm…big, blonde, and beautiful. Face the fact, it's simply irrefutable! No man wants lover who only offers the least, when he's Harry and can have the whole damn feast."

"Where is that music even coming from?" Hermione muttered to Ron, who was too fixated on Luna's stomping routine to reply.

"Yeah, baby, give me a piece of that Harry-pie," she playfully tapped Harry on the nose. "Come on Sugar-daddy, don't be shy. Try to take my Harry and you won't survive," she shot a glare at Malfoy, "Yeah, I will roast you alive. 'Cause I'm…big, blonde, and beautiful. Hey, Harry, is there somethin' 'bout me that's unsuitable?"

"None that I can see," Harry replied shakily.

"Yeah, why sit and pine away, all timid and shy, when you can shag the Chosen Guy. Whoaoaoao! All together now!"

"Big, blonde, and beautiful," Luna sang with Daphne and Tracey nervously doing backup. "Hey, Harry, baby, we can do it all! No, I don't let no ferrets bring us down, because I'll shove him in the water and let him drown! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!"

"There, I think I made my point," Luna said to an awestruck hall full of students and faculty.

"That's the last time I take you to see Hairspray," Harry muttered.

"Um, yes, I think the wedding of Draco and Harry will have to be cancelled," Dumbledore said. "Um, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my office for, I don't know, the next twenty years or so."

Author's Note: This is what happens when I go home and am supposed to work on a bunch of papers for school. I end up writing crap like this.