THE SPIDER SPEAKS!!!! She says hi

An 18 year old FEMALE artist named Angelica Jade (though I'd prefer it if you called me Creeepy, OR GAVE ME A FRIGGIN CUTE NICKNAME ALREADY!!!) who has very little work ethic, and procrastinates doing the things I love for no apparent reason. I am a proud and flamboyant ASEXUAL and AROMANTIC.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is TRULY A WONDERFUL THING, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (really? I thought it would be cold)

On packaging for a Rowentairon: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (It does not! does it? ohh it does)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (now they tell me)

On a Korean knife: “Keep out of children” (I should bloody well hope so!)

Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop" (That means you, Hulk! Put that bloody aeroplane down, you might drop it!)

Scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Again, I should bloody well hope so!)

Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances" (That's right, who doesn't use their dusters as kindling?)

Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children." (Good thing babies aren't children, isn't it!)

Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yeah. My grandmother died because she thought my hair dye was ice-cream topping and put it in a sundae)

Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (OMG!! That's as amazing as a newsreader reading the news!)

Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)

RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (again, now they tell me)

Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (No. Shit. Sherlock.)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions-"Put on fork and eat." (No! Really? We're supposed to eat food now?!)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)