32 THINGS I MUST NOT DO AT HOGWARTS:

1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.

2. Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.

3. He is NOT Gollum either.

4. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.

5. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.

6. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

7. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.

8. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus.

9. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.

10. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.

11. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.

12. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an appropriate title for the school production.

13. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.

14. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.

15. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.

16. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.

17. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."

18. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office.

19. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.

20. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.

21. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.

22. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.

23. I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

24. I am not allowed to take a Magic 8 ball to Divination

25. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand

26. I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals

27. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of the "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast

28. I am not allowed to declare an offical "hug a Slytherin day"

29. I will stop refering to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eye-full"

30. I will not make my socks into hand puppets of the Slytherin mascot

31. I will not start every potions class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as body lotion.

32. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

HERE'S A GOOD JOKE FOR STAR TREK FANS:

How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.

13 Things to do when your in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

5. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

9. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

10. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

11. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

12. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

13. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!!"

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

About 11 percent of the population is left-handed. If you're left handed copy & paste this into your profile.

Next time ur in a lift ...

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

3) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

4) MEOW occasionally.

5) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

6) SAY -DING at each floor.

7) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

8) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

9)DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

10) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

11) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

12) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

13) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

14) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

15) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

16) SWAT at flies that don't exist and see if anyone notices.

Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver

My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work