Cedric Diggory taught me not all Hufflepuffs are weak.

Luna Lovegood taught me not all Ravenclaws are stuck up.

Severus Snape taught me not all Slytherins don't love.

Peter Pettigrew taught me not all Gryffindors are loyal.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

Love your enemies! It really pisses them off!

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

I did what they said and chose the road less traveled...Now where the heck am I?

Don’t knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving isn't for you.

When life gives you lemons,make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out how the hell you did it.

It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with.

WARNING:Do NOT follow in my footsteps...I walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.

I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do, kill me?

It's always in the last place you look...of course it is! WHY would I keep looking AFTER I found it?

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Parents spend the first parts of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.

The computer beat me once at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.

"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."

"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Love me or hate me. Personally I could not care less

Before you criticize someone, walk a kilometer in their shoes. That way you're a kilometer away from them and you have their shoes.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Don't take life to seriously, no one gets out alive anyway

I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!

Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do

Your shin (n): a device used to find furniture in the dark

25 REASONS WHY I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.g
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”

COCA COLA WENT TO TOWN
PEPSI COLA KNOCKED HIM DOWN
DR PEPPER PICKED HIM UP
NOW WE'RE DRINKING 7 UP.
7 UP CAUGHT THE FLU
AND NOW WE'RE DRINKING MOUNTAIN DEW
MOUNTAIN DEW FELL OFF THE MOUNTAIN
NOW WE'RE DRINKING WATER FOUNTAIN
WATER FOUNTAIN BROKE
AND NOW WE'RE DRINKING COKE!

These are actually on the labels.

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (we don't get fake fake bacon. we get real fake bacon.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ( somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief)

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?"

"I like poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick..."

"My day is not complete till I have terrified a complete stranger."

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

"It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn."

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak.

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

It's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

You say "Weird" like it's a bad thing

I have ADD, Attention Def-OMG! It's a butterfly!

Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.

I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I use to have super powers, but then my therapists took them away.

“Heaven won’t take me and hell’s afraid I’ll take over.”

“Life ends but revenge is forever.”

"Once the strings of fate have been tangled, they can never be undone."

"Wherever you go, leave your mark."

An apple a day keeps everyone away, as long as you throw them hard enough.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.

"Whose sick joke was it for the fear of long words to be called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?"

"He handed her 11 red roses and one fake rose, he said ‘I will love you until the last rose dies."

Emo is short for emotional. Not suicidal.

True friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you, and your best friend will be there.

When you look around and your world is crumbling, and when you think no one loves you, your best friend is the one to run to.

The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family.

Smirk, it makes people wonder what you’re up to, while scaring the crap out of them at the same time!

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Sometimes people put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down.

They laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at them because they're all the same.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life. -Green Day

The loss of a friend is like that of a limb. Time may heal the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired. -Robert Southey

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss

If you're bisexual, you're confused. If you're gay, it's a sin. If you're skinny you're on drugs. If you're fat, you look nasty. If you're dressed up, you're conceited. If you dress for comfort you're a slob. If you speak you're mind, you're weird. If you don't say anything, you're a punk. If you are sweet to strangers, you are fake. If you cry, you're a drama queen. If you have male friends, you're a whore. If you have female friends, you're a player. YOU can't do anything without being criticized. We live in a society where people can't survive if they're not judging the next person... Criticism is wrong in many ways, so please DON'T criticize anyone that you don't even know

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree and
the boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
that are on the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

Say to a boy: Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

If payback's a bitch and revenge is sweet then im the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

If you can't beat them, join them.

Don't get mad...Get even.

If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

Not only do I fall down stairs, I trip up them as well - now that takes talent.

He says I love you, I sneezed and said "Sorry I'm allergic to bullshit."

I used to be normal until I met those losers I call my friends.

I'm the kind of girl that walks into a chair and apologizes.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

She's my best friend. You break her heart I break your face.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.

A good friend lets you dance with your boyfriend, a best friend yells at him and screams "NO SHE'S MINE."

Best friends don't let you do stupid things...alone.

I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened a year ago.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is most of them suck.

Don't play games with a girl who can play better.

Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it all together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history

Sirius Black...

...escaped Azkaban...

...evaded Death Eaters...

...outwitted the Ministry...

...killed by drapery

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

Excuse me have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it

You call me crazy; I've been called worse by the voices in my head.

The statistics of insanity is that 1 of every 4 people have a mental illness. Look at your three best friends; if they're ok, then it's you!

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

It’s a funny thing when everyone at the local asylum knows your name

Even if the voices aren't real...they have some good ideas.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.

There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, it’s when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.

My Imaginary Friend thinks you have a serious mental problem, and trust me, she would know!

I once believed I could fly. The broken neck proved that theory wrong and it wasn't even my neck

Life isn't passing me by it's trying to run me over

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to

I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept!

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away…

I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just implying it.

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door...

Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try sky diving.

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

I have seen Doctor Who so many times that I can quote it word for word. And do at random moments.

Percussive Maintenance- The art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation