“Seven deadly sins,
seven ways to win,
seven holy paths to hell,
and your trip begins

Seven downward slopes
seven bloodied hopes
seven are your burning fires,
seven your desires...”

― Iron Maiden

If you can read this message, you are blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The pahomoneal

pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling

was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it it your profile.

Bad pick-up Line Come-backs

Where have you been all my life? Hiding from you.

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Is this seat empty?
Yes and this one will be too if you sit down.

Your place or mine? Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine

Hey beautiful, what's your sign?
Do not enter

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
But would you stay there?

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Really, I'd put f and u together

"In a world of Cheerios, be a Fruit Loop!"

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss"

"Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." (I once let a cactos die, so I guess I wouldn't be a very good doctor )

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

"Last night I laid in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."

Join the dark side. We have cookies!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid?

Very few personal problems can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

There are three types of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

"It's not strange to argue with yourself. It's only strange to argue with yourself and lose."

A large percentage of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you are one of the ones that do and want to deck 'em, put this in your profile.

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me IRONY...again.
"You son of a bitch!"

22. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

23. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like you're father."

24. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

25. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

26. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"