Dear Santa Claus,

My brother is an idiot. And before you ask which brother — ALL of them are idiots (Grayson, Todd, Drake), but if you are really as all-knowing as my friend, Colin Wilkes, likes to believe, then surely you know that despite annoying technicalities, I would never refer to the last two imbeciles as brothers. Grayson…well, he's less annoying than the other two, so I'll put up with him for now.

So yes — Grayson is an idiot. He is an overly cheerful fool, who doesn't seem to understanding the meaning of a bad day. He befriends everyone, even that idiot Drake. And that annoying speedster, who's hair makes me nauseous. And then that horrid Harper fellow, with hair equally terrible. And don't get me STARTED on the Gordon woman — or that alien harlot — sweet lord, WHY is Grayson so obsessed with red-heads?! Surely you, with your omniscient talents, would know the answer (a quick response would be greatly appreciated).

Grayson also has no taste whatsoever when it comes to women. It's appalling really, to see him bumbling around the likes of Gordon and that alien wench. Oh and let's not forget his inability to cut Drake out of his life — something which would surely be an easy task to do.

My point is — despite all of Grayson's inadequacies, he is still a good person. He was Batman for some time, and if he was worthy of that honour, then surely he is worthy of a gift from you. Grayson is also highly capable in his work in both Gotham and Bludhaven (you can read reports and newspaper articles on 'Nightwing' if you would like further proof of this). He has saved countless lives, and helped maintain order in these chaotic places, and therefore, I believe you owe him (also you are both cheerful fools, and I am sure you would make great friends).

Therefore, I am asking one thing from you, not for myself, but for Grayson. I know that you only provide gifts for children, but Grayson is mentally stunted, so surely you could make an exception. I am also willing to forego all my gifts this year (from you, and from everyone else) if you could do this.

That idiotic fool told me that there was one thing he wanted for Christmas, above all else. He wanted this 'family' (and I say 'family' because really, this is all just a product of Grayson's delusional mind - the only members of my family are Father, Grayson, and my pets. And Pennyworth too I suppose. And Cassandra - I respect her, and will accept her as my sister. But NOT Drake or Todd, or Gordon, or Fatgirl. EVER) to be reunited. He wants all of us together on Christmas day, and therein lies the problem. Drake is off with those annoying friends of his, Cassandra is in Hong Kong, I have no idea what Gordon and Fatgirl are doing, and Todd would never step foot in the manor. Therefore, Grayson's Christmas will be miserable, unless YOU can do something about it. And since you are the ultimate bringer of gifts, SURELY you can make sure Grayson's Christmas wish comes true.

(I'll remind you again, that I am willing to forgo ALL of my Christmas gifts for this to happen — however, this is what GRAYSON wants, not me. I will NOT claim this as my Christmas request, because I would NEVER want these people in the same place as me).

I understand if you cannot grant my request — after all, there is a system that you work by, and it is only young children who receive Christmas gifts. Grayson, despite his mental inadequacies, is not a child, and it would therefore be unusual for you to grant such a request.

However, just because I understand your position does not mean that I won't hunt you down and destroy you if you do not find some way to make this happen. Don't test me old man — I am the son of Batman, the son of Talia al Ghul, and the grandson of Ra's al Ghul. Just because I do not kill anymore does not mean that I am above making your life miserable. I will torment you, and drag you, your army of elven slaves, and that harlot Mrs. Claus, down to the depths of hell, if you do not give Grayson everything he wants.

Thank you

Damian Wayne (speaking on behalf of Richard Grayson).

…

Bruce stared at the letter, his lips twitching. He'd have to find some subtle way to inform Damian that death threats were not okay, but…that could wait. Right now he needed to call Tim, and tell him they were having a family lunch on Christmas day. And then he could contact Cassandra, Barbara and Steph…getting Jason to the manor would be the hardest part, but he was sure he could find some way…

Oh, and he was definitely showing this to Dick.

…

AN:

So I initially wanted to post this before Christmas, but that didn't exactly happen…so even though the holidays are over, hopefully you still enjoy this :D