Karma thought there must be something wrong with him. Some mental defect, maybe, or a fluke in his DNA. It didn't matter what was wrong with him, but he knew something was. Something was twisted inside of him; he just knew it.
Why else would he find joy in tormenting others?
Every time he fought, he lost himself in the blood and the pain and the screams. Adrenaline took over, and before he knew it, he was staring down at the abused body of his opponent. At first, that was when Karma would walk away. He had won the fight, so the game was over. Eventually, though, Karma wasn't content with just winning. He wanted to destroy his opponent; he wanted to smash their psyche into tiny pieces that, while fixable, would never be the same again. He wanted to etch misery so deeply into their faces that they couldn't help but think of him whenever they felt pain.
That was wrong, wasn't it? Karma knew he shouldn't have thought that, but he did. He knew he should have felt guilty for it, but he didn't. He just smiled and laughed and beat the poor fool into a pulp. Karma relished the moment when they realized their defeat was inevitable - the light drained from their eyes, leaving only quivering, cowering, defenseless morons. He enjoyed the way they looked at him - like he was some sort of monster, some sort of demon. At least they were looking at him, right? Even for those few, short moments, they were focused entirely on him, and Karma loved it. He loved them looking at him with contempt; he loved them looking at him with disgust. He loved them looking at him with rage; he loved them looking at him with blood lust. He loved them looking at him with fear; he loved them looking at him with despair. Their only thoughts centered around him, and he basked in the glow of their complete attention.
Because if the right person wouldn't look at him for the right reasons, then Karma would just force the wrong people look at him for the wrong reasons.
So every time he shoved wasabi up some kid's nose, or dumped jalapenos down a throat, he ignored the voice inside his head that screamed at him to stop! Stop! This isn't what you want! What are you doing? Do you really want her to see you like this? You know this isn't right! You can't prove your strength this way! Stop!
Ignoring one voice was easy when another was shrieking above all the others every day.
(Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure.)
July
"Hey, Karma, do you have a minute?"
Karma blinked as he peered over his video game at his stepfather. Mr. Akabane stood in the doorway of Karma's bedroom, arms crossed with a concerned look in his eyes. "Yeah," he said, setting the game aside for a moment. I only have ten minutes left in my break, he inwardly sighed. I really wanted to beat that level before I go back to studying. I hope this doesn't last long.
"I want to talk to you about something your teacher said during the parent-teacher conference yesterday."
... I'm not going to beat that level, am I?
"Oh?" Karma mumbled, eyes focused on his mattress to avoid his stepfather's searching gaze. "What'd he say?"
Mr. Akabane moved from his place in the doorway, sitting down on Karma's bed with a quiet sigh. "Well, he said you have no trouble at all with the schoolwork, even though you're a year younger than your classmates. In fact, he said you and another boy are constantly competing to be number one, and that you're both currently tied."
"Uh-huh."
"And he said that all your schoolwork has been perfect, or near perfect. Apparently, you're years ahead of most of your classmates, and you shine especially brightly in math."
"Uh-huh."
"He also mentioned that he's never seen you act friendly with any student, and he doubts you have any friends at all. He's concerned that you've been ostracizing yourself - avoiding your classmates, not joining any clubs, not participating in group activities. He said the only times he's seen you interact with anyone is when you're teasing that other boy."
"Oh..."
"Yes," Mr. Akabane said, his usually relaxed voice turning into something stern, something unfamiliar. "That's what I said, too. It appears numerous rumors about you are floating around. The most popular seems to be that you're part of a gang. Apparently, these rumors are causing your classmates to avoid you. Your teacher said that you showing up to class with various injuries started the rumors. He listed off the injuries he'd seen you with - bruises, gashes, strained muscle, bruised knuckles, maybe a few broken fingers as well. He said you show up to class like that every day."
He doesn't sound angry, Karma mused, still examining the pattern of his bed sheets. More... exasperated. Like he doesn't know what to do with me. He doesn't seem overly concerned about the fighting, but he was genuinely upset when he talked about me having no friends. Why does that matter so much? Everyone in Class A prioritizes grades above everything else. How am I different? Who cares if I don't belong to any clubs, or hang out with anybody, or even eat lunch with anybody? What's the big deal? You'd think this guy would be more worried about all the injuries.
"I see," Karma said quietly. "Is that all he said?"
"Karma," Mr. Akabane said lowly, "look at me."
Karma haltingly raised his head to meet his stepfather's eyes. Mr. Akabane had a mixture of emotions clearly playing across his face - agitation, concern, frustration, and one more, though Karma couldn't label it. He's so easy to read, Karma wondered. Doesn't he know that letting your emotions show so plainly leaves you vulnerable? What does he have to gain from allowing people to read his thoughts so easily?
"We've talked about this - about you needing to put more effort into socializing. You can't be a loner forever. You need friends you can rely on - people you trust. You can't just hide from the world behind your intelligence. I know it can be scary to put yourself out there, but you've got to try. You have such a big heart, Karma, and I'd hate to see you bury it all your life."
Karma's expression remained impassive throughout his stepfather's speech. "Is that all?"
Mr. Akabane sighed, his expression having shifted into one of unmistakable sadness in response to Karma's apathetic words. "Yes, that's all." He rose slowly, then made his exit from Karma's bedroom, closing the door silently behind him.
With his stepfather gone, Karma's stony mask morphed into a fierce scowl as he glared daggers at the wall.
I'm not scared, and I'm not hiding from anyone.
October
"Akabane, do you know why you're here?"
Karma stared impassively at Ono-Sensei as he expertly managed to display a calm, nonchalant facade, even though his heart raced inside his chest. "Yes, sensei," he answered blandly.
Ono-Sensei frowned from his position in his chair, and his fingers tapped absently on his desk. "And why are you here?"
"I hit a student," Karma said. His voice conveyed both his boredom with the current situation, and that he was simply waiting to be punished.
"That's not the whole story, though, is it?" Ono-Sensei questioned as his eyes took on a mischievous twinkle.
Karma blinked in shock, not making any move to answer. What are you doing, he wondered to himself. All you have to do is say that I was wrong and then punish me for it. Why are you going off script? Nobody ever asks for the whole story - why are you? You're just making more trouble for yourself, sensei. You're not even required to know the circumstances. I hit a fellow student - that automatically frames me as the bad guy.
"You see," Ono-Sensei began, "I asked a few of the witnesses to your little spat with the other student some questions. One young lady confessed to me that the boy you hit had been, well, acting inappropriately with her. Apparently, she told him to leave her alone, but he refused. She claims that's when you stepped in and told the boy to leave. He refused again, even going so far as to threaten you, and that's when you hit him. Does that sound about right, Akabane?"
"Yes, sensei," Karma said. His shock with the turn of events caused his voice to come out a mere whisper.
Ono-Sensei grinned. "That's what I thought."
"So, am I still in trouble?"
Ono-Sensei sighed and stood up. He began to make his way around the desk towards Karma, speaking as he went, "well, I normally don't support violence of any kind. Hitting doesn't really solve problems, see? I've heard plenty of stories about your fights on and off school grounds, and I know you're a pretty combative guy, Karma. Regardless of that, I'll make you a deal." He rested his hand on Karma's shoulder in a show of support. "So long as you are in the right, sensei will always be on your side, okay?"[1]
Karma gaped at him. Ono-Sensei wasn't known as a particularly kind man, nor was he knows as a particularly unkind man. In fact, he came across as a fairly average teacher. He helped the students if they had any questions, but he never really went out of his way to aid any of them. He wasn't a class favorite, but he wasn't the worst teacher either. So, for him to go so far as to justify Karma's behavior, even promising to support him in the future, was entirely out of character. Despite his misgivings, Karma couldn't help the warm feeling that was spreading throughout his gut.
You see me, don't you?
Finally, somebody sees me.
March
"Man, I'd hate to be in Class E!"
Karma paused on his walk home from school due to a conversation in an alley that caught his interest. As he peered around the corner of a building, he took note of the situation. A boy was held against the wall by another boy, with a third leering over his shoulder. They all appeared to be a year or two above Karma, and they all wore the Kunugigaoka uniform. The boy being held against the wall already sported several bruises and seemed to just be waiting for more to be added. Karma wondered absentmindedly why he wasn't fighting back, but all thoughts ceased when he overheard the next words that came out of the bully's mouth.
"Yeah, that bunch of failures can't do anything right! Honestly, they're so pathetic. Why don't you guys just disappear, huh?"
Bunch of failures.
Pathetic.
Can't do anything right.
Just disappear.
Karma was on them before they even realized what happened.
He brought his knee up to bash against the first bully's head, effectively knocking him out. He then proceeded to yank the other bully away from the boy by his hair, smashing his face into the concrete wall until he was certain the bully's nose had been broken. He slammed the bully onto the ground, giving him no time to gain his bearings and fight back. He delivered three swift, sharp kicks to the boy's gut before moving to straddle him. The bullied student had fled right after Karma had begun his attack, so he didn't worry about holding back. Karma brought his fist down onto his face as hard as he could each time, the other's words still ringing in his ear.
Failure.
Failure.
Failure.
"How do you like it?!" Karma asked, mania seeping into his voice. "How does this feel?! Not so fun now, is it?! Does this hurt? Do you feel weak?"
Failure.
Failure.
Failure.
Hysterical laughter bubbled out past his lips as he bashed the bully's face in, but he didn't care. He preferred any other sound to the one being chanted in his head.
FAILURE.
FAILURE.
FAILURE.
"SHUT UP!" Karma wailed, vaguely aware of the tears spilling from his eyes and down his face. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Go away!" Karma pounded the bully's face even more viciously, as if his fists alone could drive out the shrieking inside his head. He could smell the strong metallic scent of blood, and in the far corner of his mind he recognized that the blood wasn't only from the bully. His knuckles throbbed, and he knew that blood seeped from the unintended, yet self-inflicted gashes, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't. As long as that voice was still inside his head, he knew he could never stop. The voices only quit when he was in too much pain to think, and he wasn't there yet. He had to keep hitting, keep hurting, until there was only beautiful silence.
FAILURE!
FAILURE!
FAILURE!
Karma shakily pushed himself away from the unconscious bully and propped his back against the cold concrete wall as the slow trickle of tears shifted into harsh, wracking sobs. "I know," he whimpered quietly, drawing his knees up to his chest and burying his face in his arms. "I know."
You never let me forget.
A few days later, Karma stood outside of Ono-Sensei's office, adrenaline rushing, chest heaving, and hands clenched into aching fists. What a splendid fool you were, the voice in his head cackled. I suppose you were taken in by that man's promises of support and understanding. What a joke! To think that he would betray you in such a way - hilarious! I guess this shows you where trust will get you, hm? All teachers are the same; all people are the same! They'll tell you whatever you want to hear, then drop you as soon as it benefits them. Haven't you learned this lesson before? What was it that Gakushuu told you? 'Just because okaa-san and otou-san are separating doesn't mean we have to' ? He never visited you, did he? See?! He dropped you as soon as he could! What an idiot you are for not learning this lesson sooner! Maybe next time you won't be so quick to fall for a teacher's honeyed words, right?
Shut up.
Karma moved away from Ono-Sensei's office, his mind in a stupor. He numbly walked down the halls, vaguely aware that he was banned from the school grounds for the time being. I was at the top of the hill, tied for first - now look at me. Transferred to Class E - what a joke.
I guess it's fitting. Here I am, the biggest failure, being sent to the class of failures. How poetic.
"Akabane, wait up!"
Karma's feet stuttered to a halt, his brain somehow managing to identify the voice through its fog. Gakushuu... oh, no.
Gakushuu fell into step beside Karma, darting a concerned glance his way. "Are you okay? I overheard some boys talking about you. They said you got into a fight with some Year Three student and now you're in big trouble."
Karma let out a quiet snicker that resembled a sob more than a laugh. "Yeah, I guess I am."
"Well? What happened?"
"I got suspended for the rest of the year, and I'll be in Class E for my third year."
Silence.
Karma studied his shoes and waited for the outburst that was sure to come. I wonder if he'll pull me into a classroom before he yells at me, Karma mused. Or will his temper get the best of him?
Gakushuu hurriedly yanking him into an empty classroom answered that question.
He gripped Karma's shoulders tight enough to leave bruises as he shook him. "What did you just say?"
"I got suspended for the rest of the year, and I'll be in Class E for my third year." Karma repeated, an annoyed edge sneaking its way into his tone.
"What the hell, Karma?!" Gakushuu jabbed his finger into Karma's chest. "What were you thinking? You can't go to Class E! That's where the freaks, the idiots, the failures go."
(Failure. Failure. Failure.)
Karma stared blankly at Gakushuu as he shoved his hand away. "Fitting, isn't it?"
Gakushuu gaped at him. "What are you talking about?"
Mercury eyes narrowed in irritation. "You know exactly what I'm talking about, nii-chan," he spat. Karma's heart was racing, and he vaguely realized through the adrenaline that he was about to be entirely too honest with Gakushuu, but he couldn't stop himself. He was just the right amount of sleep-deprived and enraged to dump all his frustration and resentment on Gakushuu. "After all, I was always a failure and a freak compared to you, wasn't I?"
Gakushuu blinked in shock, stunned speechless.
Karma continued, "we both know otou-san always saw me as a failure, didn't he?" Karma chuckled bitterly. "And okaa-san definitely thinks I'm a freak. So it's fitting, isn't it? That I'd end up in the class for freaks and failures." Karma looked at Gakushuu with wild, manic eyes. "You always were the golden child, weren't you? So that left me - the useless second son that had to work too hard for grades you effortlessly pulled off. This is how it's supposed to go, ne? You - shining in Class A. Me - abandoned in Class E. It's like this was always meant to happen!" Karma laughed, the bitterness morphing into savage, deranged glee.
Gakushuu frowned at him, the look on his face so concerned that it made Karma's blood boil. You don't have any right to look that way, he wanted to snarl. You abandoned me. Don't go and play the caring older brother now.
Gakushuu sighed, the frustration ebbing out of his tense form. "Just study over the break and get back here as soon as you can, all right? You should have no trouble with the midterms." He turned to go, but paused when he came to the door. With one hand on the doorknob, he glanced back over his shoulder, an unreadable look in his eye. "You were never a freak or a failure to me, little brother."[2]
He vacated the room with Karma glaring silently at his back.
Then why did you leave me?
Karma scowled at the wall of his bedroom as he listened to the shrill dial tone of his cell phone. I wonder what she'll say to this, Karma mused. Will I get another 'that's nice, dear'? Wouldn't that be hilarious? Getting the same response to my greatest high and my greatest low - how fitting!
"What is it, Karma?" His mother's voice was hurried and vaguely annoyed.
"I got suspended for fighting," Karma said blandly, cruel reality not allowing him to hope that she would care at all. "And I got transferred to Class E for my third year."
There was a beat of silence as his mother processed the information. "All right. Try to get back to the main campus soon. You wouldn't want to mess up your transcripts for senior high school."
"Yeah," he agreed dully. "Wouldn't want to do that."
"Was that all?"
"Yes."
"Okay, then. Bye, Karma."
She hung up before he could reciprocate.
Karma smiled, bitter and mirthless, at the floor of his bedroom. Congratulations, okaa-san, he thought dryly. I think you've reached the ultimate level of Not Caring. The only person ahead of you in that respect would be otou-san, but he's kind of a legend in that department. You really couldn't hope to surpass him. Still, managing to convey that much disinterest in your son in only seven sentences is a real feat. How will you top it next time?
I just can't wait to find out.
April
The moon looks so strange now, Karma mused, staring up at the night sky with his head tilted in consideration. Who would have thought such an immense rock could be blown to smithereens so easily? I wonder what happened. Some freak accident? An experiment gone wrong? Some crazy super villain's dastardly scheme? Karma grinned in amusement. I've been playing too many video games. My imagination is getting away from me. Karma studied the moon for a while longer before he hummed in satisfaction and returned to studying.
I suppose it doesn't matter. I doubt I'll ever know what really happened, anyway.
Karma glanced up from his textbooks, an annoyed scowl taking over his face as he heard his cell phone's ringtone. He sighed, stretched, then shuffled over to his bed to retrieve it. When he read the Caller ID, he frowned once more.
Blocked Number.
Karma answered it with an annoyed huff, "hello?"
"Is this Akabane Karma?"
Karma rolled his eyes. "Yes, genius. Who else would be answering this phone?"
The man on the other end ignored his provocation and continued in his unflappable tone, "this is Agent Tsuruta with the Ministry of Defense. I have orders to arrange a meeting with you for tomorrow."
Karma blinked in shock, then grinned maliciously. "Hey, oji-san," he purred. "Aren't you a little too old to be pulling pranks like this? Impersonating an agent, too," Karma tutted mockingly. "I could report you for this, you know."
"We'll send a car to pick you up tomorrow at ten o'clock sharp. Please be ready. Also, this meeting is classified, so you are prohibited from informing your parents, or telling any friends or relations." The phone call ended with an abrupt click.
Karma removed the phone from his ear and stared at it, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
What the hell just happened?
Footnotes
[1] This is a direct quote from the manga. It's found in chapter 6.
[2] Originally, I wanted to use the Japanese word for little brother. However, it appears that the Japanese word (otouto) isn't used when you're talking directly to your younger brother. Instead, it's used when you're talking about your younger brother. You learn something new every day, I guess.