Name: Secret (oh, the irony)

Hobbies: Reading, writing, photography, listening to un-sagely amounts of various music...

Quotes (me):

"Let's pretend, just for a moment, that illness doesn't kill, that death isn't the end of all, and that happy endings always come to good people."

"I am sleepless tonight not because I am afraid of nightmares, but because I am afraid of waking from a beautiful dream into a horrible reality."

"I've always thought that utopian societies in books are kind of ironic. I mean, the author is using their imagination to come up with a place that has no imagination."

"Only the mind of an intelligent american child makes connections between nanoplankton and Spongebob Squarepants."

"They all say that your actions define you more than your words. But words are an action. I mean, the word "say" is a verb, is it not? Therefore, I will define my actions with my words."

Quotes (TV, books and movies):

"His programming for neatness was greater than his programming for evil." -Maxwell Smart, S2E1 of Get Smart, concerning Himee (I'm going to pretend I know how that's spelled).

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something." -Westley, The Princess Bride.

Quotes (the internet):

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:

•On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

( What other time do I have to work on my hair?).

•On a bag of Frito's! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

•On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how . . . ?)

•On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion, right or are you a secret dictator just trying to suggest it).

•On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well . . . a bit late, huh)!

•On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (. . . and you thought?. . .)

•On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

•On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of

construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

•On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Isn't that the whole point)

•On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what else?)

•On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash or was it supposed to have loony peas?)

•On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh . . . fly Delta?)

•On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (. . . was there a lot of this happening somewhere in Sweden?)

•On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm. . . . .something must have gotten lost in the translation . . . )

•On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Oh sure, go ahead, destroy a universal child belief! I don't blame

the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who'll be laughing then?

If there's a light at the end of the tunnel it's probably the oncoming train.

Parents spend the first half of your life teaching you to walk and talk, and the other half telling you to sit down and shut up.

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh harder.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who actually do.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

Don’t steal, the government hates competition.

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

This isn't school! This is Hell with fluorescent lighting.

If con is the opposite of pro, tell me, what is the opposite of progress?

I'm never wrong. Once, I thought I was, but I was mistaken. (This is the defenition of a paradox)

If it wasn’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

If you hate someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile away from them AND you have their shoes.

Some people are alive today simply because it is illegal to kill them.

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has OBVIOUSLY never tried it.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough.

Whoever said, "Nothing is impossible," never tried slamming a revolving door.

You are an asset, when you’re not being a pain in the asset.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that [they have] never tried to contact us.

So you and your fake friends can go and turn heads, if you need us, me and my girls will be breaking necks.

A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will sit next to you telling you: "It was worth it...", but a sibling will wait with you until you get let out on (fake) good behavior and when you do get out, they'll make sure that it WORKS this time.

Stupid laws

In New York-

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun. (I feel sorry for New York middle- and elementary- school students)

Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (But, but, but-)

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM. (Slipper-haters!)

The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (And if your suicide attempt fails, just go tell your local officer what you did)

While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (*Jumps onto New York elevator and proceeds to do the Harlem Shake*)

In Florida-

Doors of all public buildings must open outwards. (What if someone is walking toward you and you hit them with the door?)

It is illegal to sell your children. (Well, I would hope so!)

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. (Uh...)

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. (Jeez, I'll do it in Louisiana!)

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (Aw, man! Good-bye bikini karaoke night.)

In Georgia-

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (Okay...)

Signs are required to be written in English. (What if someone's foreign?)

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (So, any other day they can?)

in South Dakota-

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. (No comment needed...)

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. (But, it smells so soothing!)

In Tennessee-

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. (I don't have pockets.)

No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. (Do you mean 'off the sidewalk'? Cause that would make a lot more sense.)

Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. (I take that as offensive!)

It’s illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM. (Do the frogs know that?)

In Missouri-

Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. (Too late.)

It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (A drunk elephant? Now THAT I gotta see!)

Dancing is strictly prohibited. (How can you take away dancing!)

It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Why a bucket? Why not a shovel?)

A milk man may not run while on duty. (Now, Travis, whatever you do, do NOT run while giving people their milk.)

In Idaho-

Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. (I'm moving to Idaho with my boyfriend!)

You may not fish on a camel’s back. (Why would anyone try even try that?)

Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime. (0_o)

Residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back. (What's with animals and fishing?)

In Indiana-

The value of Pi is 3. (I want to meet the heads of their Education system and yell.)

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. (I can still take a shower... right?)

It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. (But if the monkey wants it, that's another story)

No one may throw an old computer across the street at their neighbor. (Did that happen a lot? War of the Suburbs? I thought that was a war fought with horrible brownies at PTA meetings...?)

In Alaska-

Clowns beware! (AND NOT DANCING BEARS? Circus-cial discrimination!)

In Kansas-

If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. (Ya. You know that neither means that they'd be stuck there for god knows how long?)

Hitting a vending machine that stole your money is illegal. (Alright, I'll just hit the CEO of the vending machine company)

No one may wear a bee in their hat. (Kansas' people aren't insane, right? RIGHT?)

No one may sing the alphabet on the streets at night. (Snap.)

Insults

1. Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.

2. Don’t let your mind wander. It’s far too small to be let out on its own.

3. No, really, I'm glad you've found someone. After all, if someone wants to go out with you, it shows anything is possible.

4. You might as well stop trying - you'll never be the man your mother is.

5. You must have been born on a highway cause that’s where most accidents happen.

7. Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

8. You're so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

9. You are so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

11. I've heard that we all sprang from apes, but I guess you didn't spring far enough.

12. I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

13. Hey, you have something on your chin... 3rd one down.

14. You're so stupid you got fired from the m&m factory for throwing out all the w's.

18. Why don't you check up on eBay and see if they have a life for sale.

21. Your teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when you smile.

22. You're so stupid that you COULDN'T put MM 's in alphabetical order.

23. You're so dumb, you wait at a stop sign for it to go green.

24. What was that? You have a brain freeze? But, honey, doesn't that actually require a brain first?

27. I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company, since I haven't had it yet.

28. You’re so poor that when you went to the wishing well, you threw in an IOU.

29. Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

30. Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

31. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

32. Well, they do say opposites attract...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

"Only in America"s

Only in America are all the back-pain relievers on the bottom shelf.

Only in America do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in America are there pamphlets that tell illiterate people why they should start learning how to read.

Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines in Braille.

STORY STUFF

Cariadwyn: (surfaces in Secrets chapter five, Merlin and Morgana's adopted daughter) Cariadwyn