If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe. - Carl Sagen

The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagen

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. Douglas Adams

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill

"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research."- Albert Einstein.

"The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible." - Mark Twain

"I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk." - Stephen King

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams

"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying." Joseph Heller

"Remember when American moms used to tell their kids to finish dinner because children were starving in Africa? Well, thanks a lot, Mom—Africans are still starving and American kids are obese." Larry Baum

"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings." Marc Ostroff

WITTICISMS OF IGNORANCE

It's not whether you win or lose. It's how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We don't need a fountain of youth. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart" instead?

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Don't drink and drive- you might hit a bump and spill something.

Reality is an illusion induced by lack of alcohol.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The word "politics" is derived from the word "poli", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "small, blood-sucking parasites".

Before you judge a person, walk a mile in his shoes. After that it doesn't matter. You're a mile away from him and you got his shoes!

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Sure there have been injuries and deaths - but none of them serious.

The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

It's always best to have good manners, or at least fast reflexes.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

The very fact that we have not been contacted proves life is intelligent on other planets

I can see a world without hate, without violence and without war. Then I can see us bombing that world because they wouldn't expect it.

The Light at the end of the tunnel is only the light of an oncoming train.

-"Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run - He hates that."

-Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', it comes out to be 'Woman hitler'?

-Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

-Why is it that when something says "Do not eat" on the package, it makes it extra tempting to eat?

-If you were under house arrest, and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go any where you want?

-Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?

-How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

-A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

You! Off my planet!

-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If the #2 pencil is most popular, why is it still #2?

-“Everything has a purpose” he said for no reason at all.

-I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.

-Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.

-Despite the rising costs of living, it remains a popular activity.

-like Daddy always said: If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with nonsense.

“God’s busy, how may I help you?”

"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I'm going to blame you."

“Comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable.”

"Why don't you slip into something nice, like unconsciousness?"

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1)at lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down.
2)Page yourself over the intercom. don't disguise your voice.
3)every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"
5) put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6)in the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors" (yes, my MOM sent this to me! god I love that woman!)
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"
8) dont use any punctuation
9) as often as possible, skip rather than walk
10) Ask people what sex they are. laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
12) sing along at the opera
13) go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
14) put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day
15) five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.
16) Have you co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON! I WON!"
18) when leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! they're loose!"
19) tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20) send this e-mail to someone to make them smile. it's called therapy.”

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.