I'm Not Going To Be Here

By Kimetara

Multi-part

Disclaimer: Is FFVII mine?  Nope...

          "Cloud?"  Tifa jumped off her porch and ran toward the stumbling blond.  "Oh my gosh!  Where have you been?"

          Cloud shrugged.  "Here and there.  I didn't think you'd be up..."  It was 3 am in the morning.

          Tifa just shook her head.  "Come on...let's get you something to eat.  You look famished."

~~~~~

          "Hey Cloud."

          "Hi Tifa."  Cloud scratched the back of his head, still holding the reins of his chocobo.  "How've things been?"

          "It's been okay," she answered quietly.  "We really missed you last month.  Christmas was lonely...you were the only one gone.  Even Vincent was there."

          "Oh..." 

          "Well...here Cloud, I'll help you with Mint."  Tifa gently took the reins of the gold chocobo.  "Why don't you wash up?" she suggested, leading Mint through the falling snow.

          Tifa listened, holding his hand, nodding sympathetically as Cloud told her, again, how he felt that something wasn't right, how he always had the urge to search for something.  How it almost constantly gnawed at him, never leaving him be...an emptiness in his soul.

          Tifa knew exactly what he was talking about.

~~~~~

          "Hello Cloud," Tifa walked over to him.  "How have you been for the past six weeks?"

          "Uh...alright," Cloud answered, scratching the back of his head.  "How about you?"

          "It's been...the usual.  Welcome back to Nibelheim.  I'll be in my house if you need me."

          From her room, Tifa watched through her window as Cloud took care of his chocobo and entered his door.

          *This is it.*

          *This is the third time he's left and come back.*

          *This is the last...*

          When Cloud had first disappeared, Tifa had accepted it.  It hurt her terribly, but it wasn't as if it was unexpected.

          However, Tifa didn't want to become the sad little puppy, always waiting for her master to come back.  She promised herself, she'd let him go three times.

          No more.

          His three times were up.

          *Cloud...this is your last chance, Cloud.*

          She wished she could tell him that.

          Two months later, Cloud was gone again.

          Tifa watched, as in the dead of the night, Cloud saddled up Mint and left.

          He always left at night.

          Did he think she didn't know?

          Of course she knew when he was leaving.  It was as if an alarm went off in her head that something was wrong.

          Well, this time she wouldn't be here when he came back.

          Tifa looked around her room.  Everything she needed, she had packed already – Cloud's distracted actions for the past few days had tipped her off.

          She glanced at her desk, bit her lip, then picked up a pen and began to write.

          Tifa didn't bother signing it.  He'd know who it was from.

          She stared at her poem for a moment.  At first she meant to write a letter, but...that was just too hard.  It had always been easier for her to express emotions in poems – they had few strict standards, and could easily bend to fit her confusing emotions.

          Tifa sighed as she sealed her "letter" in an envelope.  They fighter pulled on her Premium Heart, picked up her satchel, and walked toward the item shop.

          Once there, she pulled the envelope out.  "Mr. Monoe?"

          "Ah, Tifa.  How may I help you?" Mr. Monoe asked pleasantly.  Tifa was one of his best customers, and he considered her a good young lass.

          She smiled, albeit a bit sadly, and handed him the envelope.  "The next time Cloud comes...could you give him this?"

          Mr. Monoe looked at her silently. As a man well into his fifties, he knew enough about the world to tell a broken heart when he saw one.  "Maybe you better give it to him yourself, lass."  It always seemed to work out better that way.

          Tifa hesitated, then shook her head.  "Please."

          Sighing, he accepted the letter.  "Very well then.  Take care of yourself, Tifa," he advised, his gaze falling on her bag.

          She nodded slightly, smiled that sad smile once more, and turned away.

~~~~~

          Cloud rode into town, tired and dust covered.  Wearily, he trudged to his house, and tied up his chocobo.  While he was tying up the large bird, a slight feeling of alarm rose in his mind.

          *Tifa should have been here by now.* 

          She had always been here.  No matter what time of the day or what season, Tifa was always there, greeting him and checking that he was okay.

          *Wonder where she is...?*  Cloud shrugged. She was probably out doing something.  After all, he couldn't really expect her to be right there the moment he got back, despite the past three times.

          Cloud felt a twinge of guilt at the thought.  He knew he always hurt Tifa's feelings whenever he left, but...he just needed to get away so badly now and then.

          *Now and then?  Come on, you haven't been able to stay put for even three months,* his self-conscious mocked him.

          He shook it off and went inside.

          As the day progressed, and there was still no sign of Tifa, Cloud's sense of worry grew.  Sure, she could have just gone to visit Barret or Red, but...  She was always here.  Without fail.  It was some sort of uncanny sixth sense, he guessed, but Tifa was always, always there when he returned. 

          His tiredness alleviated by a cool shower and a quick nap, the blond ex-SOLDIER headed into town, searching for his best friend.

          Cloud sighed, frustrated.  He'd looked through almost the entire town, even the old Shinra mansion...  Cloud strode inside the item shop, looking for something to drink during his search through the Nibel Mountains.

          *Why am I looking so hard for her anyway?* he questioned.  *Why won't I just wait until she comes back?  She can't be gone for very long...*  Still, he felt unsettled, and Cloud knew better than to ignore his gut feeling.

          "Hey, you there."  Cloud glanced up, catching sight of the owner of the store.

          "Mr. Monoe?"

          "Yes...I have something for you, Cloud."

          *Something for me?*  Cloud rose and followed the old man, who waved him over to the counter.

          "Here."  Mr. Monoe handed Cloud an envelope.  "I was beginning to think I'd never be able to give to you.  Been holding onto it for over a month now."

          Cloud turned the envelope over.  It was blank.  "Who-" he began, but the old man had already turned away.

          Cloud rose and eyebrow and shrugged.  Stepping outside, he opened the letter.

Dear Cloud,

          It was in Tifa's handwriting.  Cloud began to read in earnest, wondering where she was and why Mr. Monoe had been holding a letter from her for over a month.

It wasn't as if

Pain was new to me

It wasn't like

I couldn't see

All the sorrow you brought to me

          Cloud brow's furrowed.  He knew how well acquainted she was with pain, but what did she mean, sorrow he brought her? 

So why did I stay

And take it so long?

Why didn't I leave

When it all went wrong?

          Cloud's confusion heightened.  What on earth was she talking about...?  Take what so long?  What went wrong?

          Was it all the times he left...?

You'll have to find

That answer on your own

(...as if you even care...)

          *What?*  Of course he cared!  But what was the matter?

Because I'm not going to be here this time

          Cloud blinked, and stopped trying to decode Tifa's letter.  There was something terribly wrong with this...

          He started over from the beginning.

Dear Cloud,

It wasn't as if

Pain was new to me

It wasn't like

I couldn't see

All the sorrow you brought to me

So why did I stay

And take it so long?

Why didn't I leave

When it all went wrong?

You'll have to find

That answer on your own

(...as if you even care...)

Because I'm not going to be here this time

I've finally had enough

I'm not going to be here this time...

You'll have to find your own way

Through the tough spots

I'm not going to hold your hand

And tell you it's alright

I'm not going to mask my hurt

Only to cry until morning's light

I'm not going to watch your back

You'll have to watch your own

And if you hate me for leaving like that

Just think, how long have you been gone?

Maybe I didn't mean anything

Maybe you'll feel nothing at my loss

Maybe you won't even recognize

What I went through while you were gone

At any rate

You've gone again

But this time

I'm going too

And I'm not going to be here this time

I'm not waiting for you anymore

I'm not going to be here this time

Welcoming you to an empty home

Best wishes and traveler's luck...

          It wasn't signed.  It didn't need to be.  It had "Tifa" written all over it, in her writing, in her stationary, in the slight scent of her favorite perfume.

          Cloud slowly started walking, to nowhere in particular, rereading parts of Tifa's letter.  Had he hurt her that badly?

          He folded the letter back up and stuck it in his pocket.  She was just overreacting...Tifa always had been so sensitive.

         That sense of guilt was back.  He knew she was sensitive.  But...he just had to leave.  He had to go away, to find peace with himself.

          *For weeks at a time?*

          He really was beginning to hate his conscience.

AN: It's a CloTi!  And with a cliché plot, at that.  O_o;;  Ack, I know I said I dropped out of the CloTi fandom, but hey...I haven't read any in a while, so they don't seem as repetitive as before.  Besides...I just got the inspiration, might as well use it, right?

As for the poem...er...I've kind of gotten on a poetry kick lately.  ^_^;;  Been writing one per day for the past four days...

Anyway, please R&R!