A/N: On the twelfth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee…a brand new 12 Days parody!~ This one is sung by Bellatrix, with the comments in parentheses coming from the Dark Lord himself, whom she stalks.

On the first day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

His miniature Voldemas tree

On the second day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Two purple thongs (Er…they were on sale!)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the third day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Three tubes of ointment (I had a rash, okay? I had a rash on my…er…I had a rash!)

Two purple thongs (Really, a Sickel a piece is a fantastic deal….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the fourth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Four pairs of undies (Because I don't just wear thongs all the time, of course.)

Three tubes of ointment (Which I would really like to have back….)

Two purple thongs (And they are somewhat flattering….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the fifth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Five nipple rings (UGH. It was ONE crazy weekend in Rio, and I had them removed, like, a week later!)

Four pairs of undies (What am I supposed to do now, run around naked? Was that your plan? I have a feeling that was your plan.)

Three tubes of ointment (In a bit of pain right now, thank you….)

Two purple thongs (Probably not the best idea at the moment.)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the sixth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Six dark red contacts (Dangit, Bella, those are expensive, okay??)

Five nipple rings (Some of those are extras, you know. I have three nipples just like everyone else.)

Four pairs of undies (Oh, you didn't find my Hulk undies, did you? VOLDY SMASH….)

Three tubes of ointment (Really, can I have those back? Some of the…other…things I did in Rio are catching up with me.)

Two purple thongs (They didn't have them in green.)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the seventh day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Seven fluffy pillows (Oh, great. I'll have a killer backache in the morning without those. Thanks so much for that, Bella.)

Six dark red contacts (My eyes are blue without those, Bella! BLUE! That's not very evil at all!)

Five nipple rings (Honestly, it seemed like a good idea at the time.)

Four pairs of undies (One shudders to think what she might be DOING with said undies….)

Three tubes of ointment (And that was the expensive stuff, too. I'm not made of money, you know!)

Two purple thongs (Now that I think of it, who wouldn't want to see me in a purple thong?)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the eighth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Eight Twilight novels (Oh yeah? Well, what happens if I lose seven of them? I'd have one left, Bella. And I'd be the one laughing because I would be prepared!)

Seven fluffy pillows (I've been sleeping on those for fifteen years...I can't just get new pillows now, okay?? It just doesn't work that way!)

Six dark red contacts (Great. Now I'll have to resort to wearing my…glasses. Ugh. I friggin HATE looking like Potter!)

Five nipple rings (Ay Carumba….)

Four pairs of undies (At least now she can stop pestering me with that "Boxers or briefs?" crap….)

Three tubes of ointment (I am NOT a happy lord right now.)

Two purple thongs (Work it, Voldy, work it!)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the ninth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Nine discarded tissues (That's what I get for not putting a lock on my rubbish bin.)

Eight Twilight novels (And so the lion fell in love with the Dark Lord….)

Seven fluffy pillows (Oh, no really, no need to give those back or anything. These ROCK HARD sacks of CRAP I got at the dollar store will totally suffice….)

Six dark red contacts (Someone freakin' STEPPED on my blasted Potter glasses! Now what the crap am I supposed to do?)

Five nipple rings (Merlin, I hope she doesn't try to take the three I'm wearing now….)

Four pairs of undies (Joke's on you! The elastic was all stretched out of shape anyway!)

Three tubes of ointment (Um, are you gonna use that or just bow down and worship it?)

Two purple thongs (Wait…didn't I take some sexy photos in one of those thongs once…?)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the tenth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Ten sexy photos (Oh, MERLIN, no….)

Nine discarded tissues (I am NEVER getting sick again!)

Eight Twilight novels (Oh, Edward, you dazzle me!)

Seven fluffy pillows (Um, I can explain about those stains….)

Six dark red contacts (I can't legally fly without those! I'm frickin' BLIND, okay?)

Five nipple rings (If you like pina coladas…and getting caught in the rain….)

Four pairs of undies (Really, Bellatrix, you have some serious issues to work out.)

Three tubes of ointment (I ought to Avada your sorry buttocks…which, coincidentally, is RASH-FREE as far as I know!)

Two purple thongs (If I recall, these also made the trip to Rio….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Eleven tiny nose hairs (I was gonna superglue those to the top of my head!)

Ten sexy photos (Those were meant for me and only me!)

Nine discarded tissues (You are a sick, sick person, you really are.)

Eight Twilight novels (One for every day of the week, AND one extra. Thank you very much.)

Seven fluffy pillows (Well, I hope you sleep well tonight, knowing I'm tossing and turning on these CRAPPY DOLLAR STORE PILLOWS YOU MADE ME BUY….)

Six dark red contacts (I gave my grandmamma a kiss today…. Turned out to be Wormtail….)

Five nipple rings (Which reminds me, I should be thankful my weekend in Rio at least wasn't quite as crazy as dear old Grandmamma's….)

Four pairs of undies (If you took my Superman undies, I swear to Merlin….)

Three tubes of ointment (Please…please…have mercy….)

Two purple thongs (Wait, that was the leopard print thong that went to Rio….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Twelve chewed gum pieces (Orbit! For a good clean feeling…no matter what!)

Eleven tiny nose hairs (It took me forever to pluck those…and it hurt like heck….)

Ten sexy photos (Really, I had no intention of those ever reaching the general public…or YOU.)

Nine discarded tissues ('S not cool, Bella…. Get it? Snot? Er…yes…I'll shut up now….)

Eight Twilight novels (Why didn't I splurge and get nine?)

Seven fluffy pillows (Come on, Bella, the Dark Lord needs his beauty sleep….)

Six dark red contacts (I can't even see the Muggles I kill…. What fun is that?)

Five nipple rings (Can we, um…never mention that again?)

Four pairs of undies (You'd think I would own more than four pairs, wouldn't you?)

Three tubes of ointment (Is the song almost over? Cause I really do need that back.)

Two purple thongs (This is worse than last Christmas!!)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

A/N: Thanks for reading, and have a very merry Voldemas! Until next year, farewell!