What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce. -Mark Twain

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target. -Ashleigh Brilliant

Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.

God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one. -Bill Gates

Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
-Unknown

Thank you Faceboook I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don't have & waste an entire day without having a life. -Unknown

Don't let your mind wander, It's too little to be let out alone.

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face. -Unknown

Don't you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF? -Unknown

Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.

Why go to college? There’s Google.

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-Groucho Marx

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. -Unknown

God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.

Promises are like babies…Fun to make but hell to deliver. -Unknown

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. -Unknown

Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -Winston Churchill

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. -Unknown

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. -Bill Murray

I have finally been diagnosed…!!! I have a serious condition known as “Awesomeness” but don’t worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious

Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled. -Author Unknown

On the other hand, you have different fingers. -Steven Wright

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here? -Billy Connoly

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ -Anonymous

I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off. -Unknown