I"m on this site daily so if you want me to update then im me.

A little about my self

I like to collect quotes and jokes from emails and others authors profiles and put them here i have to say i have quite a bit.

I like to believe that I'm the smartest person in my grade 12th (And I might be) Though my grades don't compare to my true genuis

I'm LAZY and it takes me a while to type and thing of storys/chapters

I don't do drugs agaist popular belief

I"m a 17 year old straight white male

I go to Coventry High school.

I LOVE PLAYING MAGIC THE GATHERING call me a nerd, geek, or whatever but I run a angelfire control deck.

Favorite animes

Fullmetal alchemist

Dragonball Z

Naruto

Inuyasha

I'll read almost any manga

Favorite Books

Artemis Fowl

Harry Potter

Any book by Micheal Cretron

Favorite Parings from FMA and why

Ed/Winry: Well what is to explain they are meant for each other

Al/Winry: I find this couple cute in AU stories where ed is gone

Roy/Riza: I don't really know maybe cause of the sence in ep 51 where riza is taking care of roy

Ed/Riza: I don't know why but this couple is just hot maybe it the whole riza is like an older winry.

I HATE yaoi two dudes is unnatural I don't have anything against gays but i just don't want to know about your guys personal life it is like my grama's in the same sense, also yaoi ruins a lot of good storys.

Now on to the Jokes

"Lets take only the Weopens 'And the War itself' with us to hell" Duo GW the endless waltz

When life gives you lemons sell them making lemonade is to hard

-When life gives you lemons, squirt it in your enemy's eyes!

when life gives you lemons make grape jucie and let them wonder how you did it

When life gets you lemons how do you make lemade you have no water or sugar

When life gives you lemons, make vodka. Then sit back and watch everyone wonder how the hell u just did that.

When life gives you lemons, throw them at people

Villagers shouldn't resort to violence (hit with a rock )Surely if you voice your grievances (hit by two rocks) Damn you people. . . -Miroku

"Oh, man, Quatre loves to blame himself for everything if you let him. Sooner or later, he'll start saying that there's no air in space because he didn't work on it hard enough."
-Duo Maxwell

"Weddings I love Weddings, drinks all around!"-Jack

He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.

"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Haleleuia ..." - Monty Python

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." - Lily Tomlin

An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.

"And what's the lesson of this story...? Don't leave things in the fridge..."
-Spike!

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... - Carl Zwanzig

I wasn't lucky. I deserved it.
-Margaret Thatcher

He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on.
-Benjamin Franklin

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” C.C. Lusis

“To be mad at someone-that’s easy To be mad at the right person, for the right reason, at the right time and to the right degree-that is not easy,” Aristotle

"Why did I rescue this guy in the first place? He's antisocial, thinks he's evil kienival, and hardly speaks. You've got such a gloomy personality, why don't you stop pretending to be human." Duo

"Well, excuse me for being a mere mortal!" Duo

I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie! That's me in a nutshell." Duo

"The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions." Heero

"You shouldn't be getting your hopes up too high, I'm not really the most devoted guy around." Duo

"Than I'll give you just one piece of advice: Dying hurts like hell." Heero

"Just watch me: I'll become the God of Death once again! But right now, I need some sleep." Duo

"What a stupid way to kill us off, this is so not cool!" Duo

-"Why do women have butts on their chests?"
- Goku, Dragonball

-"Inuyasha-"Go to hell!" Shessomoru-"Save me a seat.""
- Inuyasha/Shessomoru, Inuyasha

-"Gohan, son of Goku will not be participating in this years world Martial Arts Tournement because his mommy won't let him!"
- Gohan , Dragon Ball Z

"Shippo your village called, they want their idiot back."
- InuYasha, InuYasha

"Edward: Whoop-Dee-Flippin-Do!"
- Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist

"Gracia:Falls down "Honey... It's here..."
Hughes: "The tea?"
Gracia: Annoyed "The baby!""
-Gracia and Hughes- FMA

"Edward: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU HAVE TO TARGET WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS?"
- Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist ( I love when Ed gets pumped up about his height)

"Hughs: This is my beautiful wife-- Ed: Oh my god! her stomach is a melon!"
- Ed and Hughs, FMA

"Piccolo: Is it over?
Vegeta: Not until the fish jumps.
a fish jumps out of the water
Vegeta: It's over."
- Piccolo and Vegeta, DragonBall Z

"Run and hide, InuYasha, for your stupidity knows no bounds."
- Sesshoumaru, InuYasha

"Where were you when they handed out the brains!"
- Washu to Mihoshi, Tenchi Muyo

"Vegeta:WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING OVER HERE FOR? HAVEN'T YOU SEEN A PINK SHIRT BEFORE!

Vegeta:IF YOU LIKE IT THAT MUCH YOU CAN HAVE IT!

Trunks:Ummm...no...no thank you.

Vegeta:Then knock it off kid!"
- Vegeta, DBZ

"So Yuki, when did you become a woman?"
- Hatori, Fruits Basket

"Goku: Hey Bulma your lips are bleading.
Bulma: Its lipstick you idiot!"
- Goku,Bulma, Dragonball

"It takes an idiot to do cool things. That's why it's cool."
- Haruko, FLCL

"Goku:I'm so hungry I could eat A...A.Hey... I wonder what clouds taste like?"
- Goku, Dragonball Z

"Do you think he knows it's a circle?"
- - Hiei, Yu-Yu-Hakusho

"Inspector Mcguire: What was the cause of death?
Police: I belive it's the Knife on his back sir!"
- Inspector Mcguire, Case Closed

"What's a wife?"
- Goku, Dragon Ball

"Just Call Me Tuxedo Mask"
- Kurama, Yu Yu Hakusho

"what part of force field dont you understand!"
- hiei, yu yu hakasho

"Goku: How do you tell the difference on who is a women and who is a man?"
- Goku, Dragonball

"don't call me small or else i'll break off your legs and stick them on your head!"
- edwad erlic, full metal alchemist

"No sir really, I gave my homework to the pink monkey on the golf course. he said he was the new football coach...snores"
- Richard Moore, Case Closed

"Roy: Dog, huh?
(long pause)
Roy: I LOVE DOGS!
Fury: Really, you mean it?
Roy: Of course, dogs embody loyalty. You can jerk them around and they don't complain. and they never once beg for a pay check! (sings) Loyal canine, how we salute thee! (laughs)
Havoc: Wow sir, you're awfully manic today"
- Roy, Fury, Havoc, FMA

""I'm a warrior! Not a...a variety of flower!"
- vegeta, DBZ

"kagome: "oh you boys must be hungy, here kouga, have these chips"
shippou: "awww, kagome's givin away the last of her ninja snacks!"
kouga: "thank you kagome, i will accept this a sign of your love for me."
kagome: "hehe..dont give it too much thought."
inuyasha squishes in between
inuyasha:"we dont need to give food to them!"
kouga:"shut up you mangy mutt!"
fights over chips"
- kagome/inuyasha/kouga, InuYasha

"Conan: "It's Mr. Freaky Face!""
- Conan Edogawa, Case Closed

"You're a good girl, so do what I say, okay?"
- Shigure to Thoru, Fruits Basket

"Peter: "Brian, there's a message in my alphabet, and it says o-o-o..."
Brian: "Peter, those are cheerios."

"Peter: Hey, Stewie, me and your mom got you something.
Stewie: Oh, wait dont tell me, its a jack in the box. I wind, and... la de da, a doll pops out, you laugh, the kids laugh, and the dogs laugh, but I die a little inside :sighs:...
Peter: Here Stewie
Stewie: Oh a trikey!"
- Peter and Stewie, Family Guy

"Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?"
- fry, futurama

"well i'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch"
- stewie, family guy

"Will: CARLTON WHAT IS THAT GROSS THING COMING OUT OF YOUR NECK!
Carlton: WHAT WHERE GET IT OFF WILL!
Will: Oh wait thats just your head"
- Will Carlton, Freash Prince of Bel- Air

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

-If love isn't a game, then how come there are so many players?

-Life isn't like a Burger King, you can't always have it your way.

-When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.

-Few women admit their age, few men act theirs.

-I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, that makes me perfect.

-Never kiss by the garden gate. Love is blind, but the neighbors ain't!

-I get plenty of excersise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

-Family is like fudge: mostly sweet with a few nuts.

-Never frown, even when you're sad, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

-I would give up chocolates, but I'm no quitter.

-Silence is golden... but yelling is fun!

-Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

-I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

-You can only be young once but you can be immature forever.

-A clean desk is always a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

-Bob: But mom! All my friends are doing it!
Bob's Mom: If you friends jumped off of a building, would you?
Bob: Yes, because then there would be padding for when I landed!

-I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

-To the world, you may be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

-Save a tree, eat a beaver.

-Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.

-How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

-people will believe anything if you whisper it.

-A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work,

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

-I love to go to the school yard and watch all the little kids jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming… they don’t know I’m only using blanks.

-If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him “GOD is crying.” And when he asks why god is crying, I tell him, “probably because of something you did.”

-It’s so simple to be wise…just think of something stupid to say, and don’t say it.

-Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

-“Everything has a purpose” he said for no reason at all.

-I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.

-Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.

-Despite the rising costs of living, it remains a popular activity.

-like Daddy always said: If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with nonsense.

-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

-If the #2 pencil is most popular, why is it still #2?

-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

-I don’t suffer from insanity…I enjoy every minute of it.

-Reason to smile: every seven minutes of every day, someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

-P.E.T.A: people eating tasty animals.

-A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

-Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

-Why is abbreviation such a long word?

-Always remember you’re unique, just like everybody else.

-There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and have their shoes!

-Don’t drink and drive… you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

-Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

-Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

-Happiness is like peeing your pants... every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth!

-When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

-Why is it when we laugh in school, teachers ask us if we find something funny, when obviously we do?

-Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

-Why is it that when something says "Do not eat" on the package, it makes it extra tempting to eat?

-If you were under house arrest, and you lived in a mobil home, wouldn't you be able to go any where you want?

-Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?

-"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'llsqeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of it"?

-Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say "See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt?

-Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', it comes out to be 'Woman hitler'?

-"One night I was laying on my bed, looking at the stars, then I thought... where's my roof?"

"Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

-"Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run - He hates that."

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."

-"It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... drink it and get on with your life."

-"You aren't drunk until you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth."

-"Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!"

-When french people swear, do they say "pardon my english"?

-What does the k in K-mart actually stand for?

-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

-if you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

-Its all fun and games till someone loses an eye...Then its even funnier!

-have you ever wondered why tricks are only for kids?

-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-Where in the nursery rhymes does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

-How can there be self help groups?

-Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an 's' in it?

-What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

-why do they have handicapped parking spaces in front of a skating ring?

-If quizzez are quizzical, then what are tests?

-Either you can agree with me, or you can be wrong.

-I love to give home-made gifts: So, which of the children do you want?

-Dont look at me in that tone of voice!

-Therapy is expensive, but bubblewrap is cheap!

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - - Henny Youngman

He who can, does—he who cannot, teaches. - - George Bernard Shaw

The first thing we do, let’s kill all lawyers. - - William Shakespeare

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - - Charlotte Whitton

Thank God I’m an atheist.- - Luis Bunuel

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. - - Spike Milligan

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - - Mark Russell

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - - W.C. Fields

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kickboxing. - - Emo Philips

Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think. - - Alexander Pope

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - - David Acfield

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. - - Everett Dirksen

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - - George Gobel

Solutions are not the answer. - - Richard Nixon

It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility! - - Unknown

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying. - - Joseph Heller

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - - Robin Williams

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - - Benjamin Franklin (Yes, he actually said that)

Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass. - - Unknown

Remember when American moms used to tell their kids to finish dinner because children were starving in Africa? Well, thanks a lot, Mom—Africans are still starving and American kids are obese. - - Larry Baum

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, ‘Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.’ - - Lynda Montgomery

The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings. - - Marc Ostroff

Your best friend isn’t the person who bails you out of jail; they are the one who’s sitting next to you saying, ‘That was awesome!’ - - Unknown

If you don't know the way, walk slowly. - - Irish Proverb

This game (Marco Polo) takes its name from a great Italian explorer who was famous for making discoveries by aimlessly wading around in thigh-level water with his eyes closed, wildly clutching at the air and calling out his own first name. Perhaps his most important discovery was made when he finally opened his eyes and discovered that he no longer had any friends. - - Dean Camp

Don't fall asleep when the meat is on the fire. - - Native American Proverb

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery man comes from? - - Unknown

The doctor put a cast on my leg which he said would not only keep the bone straight while it healed, it would also keep straight that I'm whiter than plaster. - - Dean Camp

You mean this gallon of milk RIGHT HERE! - - Nick Swardson

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. - - Unknown

God is good, but never dance in a small boat. - - Irish Proverb

Insanity runs in my family...it practically gallops. - - Cary Grant in Arsenic and Old Lace

Next time I have a daughter, I hope it’s a boy. - - Paul Lynde in Bye Bye Birdie

There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics. - - Mark Twain

I pledge allegiance to the flag,
that Micheal Jackson is a fag.
He used to play with lots of toys,
but now he plays with little boys.

"When I asked him what he was making, he said 'What business of it was mine' and that my mother was probably a prostitute."

"The ending was the best thing ever since I fell asleep after reading the beginning!" -Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

"If I'm a child, Lois, then that makes you a pedophile." -Peter Griffin, Family Guy

"Just pretend I'm one of your children!" -Joe (Lois begins to drop him) "Not Meg! Not Meg!" -Family Guy

Hi! (Name's) computer is broken. This is his/her refrigerator. If you have something important to tell him/her then type slowly and i will stick you to me with one of these here magnets.

I don't beat around the bushes, I beat through them!

Boys will be boys, but girls will someday become women.

When I'm good Im good, but when Im bad Im better

Kitty is sad becuz you're dumb.

They say every 1 in 5 people is Chinese. There are five people in my family. Mom, dad, me, Tom, and Kong Shen Heng. I think it's Tom.

Jesus is coming! ...look busy!

Fight fire with WATER

Incase you missed the notice...you should probably go read it.

I was born intelligent...but education ruined me.

I'm NOT full of bologna...I'm full of PANCAKES!

Last night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars. Then I wondered, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING?

Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

Random tombstone: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

"I get to go to lots of oversea places, like Canada."- Britney Spears

I dream of a better tomarrow, where Chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

"I have my own opinions--strong opinions--but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush

I'll go to your funeral if you go to mine.

"An R, is just a P, with a KICKstand!" -Phil of the Future

You're not invited to my funeral.

My boyfriend made me choose between my band and him.
I'm gonna miss that guy.

Sean: "Where have you been?" Cory: "There was a fortune teller at the yogurt parlor!" Sean: "You tortured someone named Yogi Tyler?" -Boy Meets World

Hot dog! Im on a roll

Anatidaephobia: The fear that some where, some how, a duck is watching you...

Halloween: The day your parents tell you to take candy from strangers...interesting

Patrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead. -Spongebob Squarepants

LAZINESS My anti-drug.

When translated into Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "Finger lickin good" came out as "Eat your fingers off"

Drive it like you stole it!

Just tell Nemo you couldn't find him becuz you were getting stoned. He'll understand.

I didn't lose my marbles! I sold them on ebay!

I love pot...pie.

I tried to sniff coke...but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose...

"Hey, I'm going to make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken." Lorelai
"That'll be that on your grave stone." Rory -Gilmore Girls (G squared!)

When I have a kid I'm gonna put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.

I dreamt about you last night. You were screaming and had a toothpic in your eye.

I GOT THE FOLLOWING PRINT FROM A WEBSITE

Top Ten Times in History When The 'F' Word Was Appropriate

10. "What the was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945

9. "Where did all these ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does SO ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "I don't suppose it's gonna ing rain." - Joan of Arc, 1434

3. "Scattered ing showers...my ass!" - Noah, 314 BC

2. "I need this parade like I need a ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963

and the number one time in history where the "F" word was appropriate...

1. "Aw c'mon, who the is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

NOW I HAVEN'T THAT WAS ALL FOLKS

-Once you hit rock bottom, things can only get better.

-Just as soon as I get what I want, I get unsatisfied...

-Ask for forgiveness, pick yourself up, and keep trying.

-Judge not, and ye shall not be judged, condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

-Do you not destroy your enemys when you make them your friend?

-You need to know failure, before you can realize victory!

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.

- George Washington Carver

Evil (ignorance) is like a shadow. It has no real substance of its own, it is simply a lack of light. You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it.

- Shakti Gawain

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
- Ann Landers

Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do.
- Emmanuel Swedenborg

“...but words will never hurt me...” Yeah, right, and I’m the Easter Bunny...

“Don’t compromise yourself, you're all you’ve got...” --Janis Joplin

"I may appear to be innocent but innocent people don't beat up people."

"Touch it and die."

"So I draw demons, big frickin' deal."

"Shaddup. I'm not listening to a word you're saying but you're annoying me."

"The only reasons I learn other languages is to 1) talk to people OUTSIDE of this country. 2) to insult people in the country who I despise."

"You do realize that I don't understand the language of sane people. I only understand the language of those who speak my language."

"Everything in the world evolves to become better and to adapt to their surroundings. Its just a pity that idiots don't get smarter and that they won't die out."

"One way for surviving high school: keep your head down and your mouth shut. That way nobody knows you even exist unless they crash into you on accident."

"I have plenty of opinions about many things. My opinions just often times get me into trouble with people, including my parents."

"I knew it! The school IS trying to get everybody to think alike! That explains EVERYTHING!"

Andy Rooney siad the following on 60 minutes a while ago he is now my hero

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70 of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70 of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else

And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

It is said that 86 of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14 to Shut Up and BE QUIET!

And he got way with it that is fking awesome go Andy.

92 percent of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister said it wasnt cool to breathe anymore. if you are one of the 8 who would be laughing your head off put this in your profile

"It is so shiny!" --Winry Rockbell, Full Metal Alchemist

"Who are you calling a tiny bug that escapes the wrath of a shoe because he's so small that he fits in the grooves and can't get squashed?" --Edward Elric, Full Metal Alchemist

"Yes, dried potatoes!" --Inuyasha, Inuyasha

"You're so stupid, you've got like an 8 GPA!" --Tahulo1

"You're not a guy. There are plenty of guys in the world. Be a man, not a guy." --Cory, Say Anything...

"More important than LOVE?" --Roy Mustang, Full Metal Alchemist

"You can't use your flame alchemy if your gloves are wet, sir." --Riza Hawkeye, Full Metal Alchemist

"I put a bagel in my pocket. With extra cream cheese." --Jarakuheart : )

"I've already taken off my pants...these are tattoos." --Jason Mraz

"I was nauseous when I woke up this morning because I had a dream I was riding on Inuyasha's back."

“I traded it for my life and freedom when I was captured by a band of small blue midgets.” --Inuyasha, Which Way to Turn?

"So these Americans are really as badass as you say they are?" --Mugen, Samurai Champloo

"Watch Adult Swim with someone you love...someone that wants to have sex while you're watching television...someone like me..." --Adult Swim

"Imagination is more important than knowledge" - Albert Einstein

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to l ook at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote h ad enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

The Sage journeyed far into the northern lands where it was very cold. Colder than even he could comfortably withstand. He came upon a gathering of five travelling spellcasters, who were still young and inexperienced. They were also beginning to suffer from the cold. The red sorceress said: "A fire will keep us warm!" and so, she created a bonfire.

The black necromancer approached the fire and tentatively touched the flames. "It hurts," he said, "and pain is a source of power!" He immediately jumped into the bonfire, screamed once, and burned up like a dry leaf.

The red sorceress laughed at his folly. "Stupid necromancer," said the red sorceress. "I am the mistress of fire around here, not you," and she laughed once, stepped into the fire, and burned up like a dry leaf.

The white priestess shook her head at the other two. "They are most unwise," she said. She sat down facing the fire and stared into it for hours in reverie. When she came to her senses, she was blind from the firelight. "Oh, the Gods have punished me for my hasty judgement. I have been sinful and must suffer!" The priestess stepped into the fire, cried out once, and burned up like a dry leaf.

The blue wizard wandered near to the fire, trying to understand its nature. Then, he wandered farther from it, muttering to himself. Then, he wandered in circles around the fire. Then, he cried "Eureka!" and began building another fire, but he grew bored after collecting five or six sticks. He aimlessly wandered out of the area, and the Sage never saw him again.

The green druid was not overly wise either. She said to the Sage: "Those who need fire are weak and stupid. I am a self-sufficient creature, one with Nature; I have no need for such crutches," and she sat far from the fire in the coldest wind she could find. Soon, she was too frozen to move, and the wind robbed her of her life.

The Sage sat alone next to the fire, facing away from it as not to give it any more importance than it really deserved. He studied the shape of the trees in the distance. He was not too near the fire. He was not overly distant from the fire. He did not ally with it, nor did he oppose it. It warmed him, but he did not become warm.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3.Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape:
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the ducttape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan.

"Those who have survived, run for your lives, but leave your limbs with me, for they are mine now." -Uma Thurman ("Kill Bill: Volume One")

"Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers." -Maynard James Keenan ("Schism" by Tool)

"A sword is a weapon, made to kill men. When you pick up a sword, hold it as though you meant to kill a man." -Musashi Miyamoto ("The Book of Five Rings")

"A man's Life of Fifty years,
When compared to the vastness of that under heaven,
Is as a dream or an illusion.
What a blink in the life of the cosmos..." -Oda Nobunaga (from the play "Atsumori," last words alive)

"You want me to kill Japs, I'll kill Japs. Want me to kill enemies of Japs, I kill them too. Rebs, Sioux, Cheyenne; for a year of captain's pay, I'll kill anyone you like... but keep one thing in mind... I'd happilly kill you for free..." -Capt. Nathen Algren to Col. Bagley ("The Last Samurai")

"Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescence,
Difficult to see you in this light...
Please forgive this bold suggestion:
Should you see your maker's face tonight,
Look him in the eye, look him in the eye, and tell him,
'I never lived a lie, never took a life, but surely saved one,
Hallelujah, its time for you to bring me home.'" -Maynard James Keenan ("10,000 Days" by Tool)

“Hello, my name is Spongebob Squarepants. I’m a retarded kitchen sponge who lives in the ocean, and my pants are square. Isn’t that funny? Laugh with me, you ignorant masses, and become my slaves.”

You’re a loser I'm a goddess, any questions.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit...when there are footprints on the moon!

What’s wrong with always being right?

I just do what the little voices in my head say!

My job isn't to prove you innocent, just not guilty- Law and Order

According to the latest figures, 43 percent of all statistics are utterly worthless.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

Tell the truth and run.

Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to

.
Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate

.
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense..

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Generally, generalizations are wrong.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye mad.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.

The Truth is out there. So what are you doing here?

If you can't beat them, join them. Then take over.

Whatever you are, be a good one.

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public

.
We are the people our parents warned us about.

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.

The difficulty is not so great as to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

Belief gets in the way of learning.

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.

Enjoy every minute of life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.

We don't live in the world of reality, we live in the world of how we percieve reality.

If God had intended Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.

Education is important. School, however, is another matter.

When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months.

Cynics are made, not born.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

"I said put the bunny back in the box." Nicholas Cage Con Air

"Who did you call a shorty who's so small that he's barely visible and hard to target?"
"Who did you say was small like a grain of rice and doesn't show up in your eyes?"
"Who did you call an ultra hyper midget?"
"Who did you call a shorty that has to be looked through a magnifying glass to actually be seen?"
"Who are you calling a tiny bug that escapes the wrath of a shoe because he's so small that he fits in the grooves and can't get squashed?"
-Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist

"It's been a good while since I've killed anyone. I kinda miss it... (grins evilly) Wanna watch?" -Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist

Edward: Let's go.
Alphonse: Huh?
Edward: This castle's gonna explode pretty soon.
Alphonse: (panicked) What? WHY?
Edward: (grins) I don't like this place, so I started destroying stuff.
(stuff is shown exploding around different parts of the castle)
Alphonse: (freaking out) Why do you always do these things without thinking?
Edward: Quit complainin', what's done is done, right? So! (whips back around with a grin) Let's go!
Alphonse: (still freaking out) No! I'm gonna disappear! My soul is bound to this armor, and I...!
Edward: (annoyed) Don't worry! I'll figure something out!
(the castle explodes and sinks into the water)
-Fullmetal Alchemist: The Conqueror of Shambala

You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because your all the same.

Time seems to last forever, but to me its frozen, so all I can do is move forward.

Beginnings are usaully scary and endings are somtimes sad, but its everything in between that makes it all worth living.

"Everyone is going to die, it's a natural part of life, but if life has no purpose, your dead already." Wolfs Rain, Kiba.

It's when I'm surrounded that I feel I am truly alone.

Staring down at your own reflection, nothing there to see but your own blank expression.

People learn to lie through being hurt.

Oh what joy, the years of living through pain and tragedies and only your eyes, the key to the true emotions inside. (Fullmetal Alchemist, Lust)

Don't think about the future it comes soon enough. (Ghost in the Shell)

Just because someone holds you does not mean that it is love, just because someone is kind to you does not mean it is love. Love is only seen how you interpret it.

The future is not where my dream is, it's in the past, that's where I'll always be. (Sasuke)

I'm lost, no where to go, I'm all alone in this world filled with lies and darkness, I breathe nothing but poison, cry nothing but blood, and live for nothing but the wish to die.

But finally after all the tears, I've drowned, after all the cuts, blood still runs down, this distance is hurting my dark heart, but the closeness is what has really killed me, what I truly feared.

No place to run, never a place to hide, I stand here alone, always alone, not a soul in sight, no one is ever by my side, so I will stay alone.

Behind this false smile is everything you'll never understand.

Now I am just a silhouette down there, a silhouette of a memory of a solitary night...nothing more.

The only thing standing between me and total happiness is my heart, the people that surround me, and this false reality.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the
Urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors
Is BASEBALL
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,
The smaller your balls become.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and

"lollipop" with your right.! (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you

doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never

stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every

letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for

accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read

left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to

"do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":

tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting

this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in

order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say

... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on

one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back

of the 5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

(Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches

2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,

the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an

average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building

is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56 of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it

burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a

chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls

froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80 of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80 of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do!

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop; drink WINE! It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

Have a nice day...

"A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked."

Pray for Mercy from Puss In Boots" Puss Shrek 2

Today I Repay my Debit" Puss Shrek 2

Even if there is only one possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations. What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe?

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.

It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value.

My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.

Not only does God play dice, but... he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales.

The usual approach of science of constructing a mathematical model cannot answer the questions of why there should be a universe for the model to describe. Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?

The whole history of science has been the gradual realisation that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.

There are grounds for cautious optimism that we may now be near the end of the search for the ultimate laws of nature.

To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.

(While looking at the Warp core on the set of Star Trek: The Next Generation) I'm working on that.

For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk. (also used by Pink Floyd on the song Keep Talking)

It was my idea.

When I hear of Schrödinger's cat, I reach for my gun.(The above was from Steven Hawking)

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all
you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams
don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the
only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to
answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve
great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: R espect for self; Respect for
others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in
your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Give me a sense of humor

and give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

and pass it on to other folks!

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, falling in love is all about flirting and feeling playful. You couldn't fall in love with someone who took life too seriously.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

"I Made Love to a Beautiful women and I didn't even know it just my luck." Raistlin (Dragons of Summer Flame)

I do not think Yoda is wise. He only talks funny.

Seen on bottle of Tums: "If used for heartburn, do not take more than four tablets a day. If used as a calcium suplement, do not take more than six tablets a day."

Why is there Braille on the drive-through ATM?

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good.

98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy this in your profile.

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects, copy this into your profile

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs, copy this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy this into your profile.

You probably get the feeling I'm really clumsy. I am.

I am the only one of my friends who can a)wink with either eye, b)raise either eyebrow, and c)flutter my eyelashes. I have incredibly occular control. Bow in awe.

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?
http:///howareyouinlovequiz/

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test
http:///worldsshortestpersonalitytest/

Your Sloth Quotient: 63

You're a pretty lazy person, and you relish in your own sloth.
While being lazy does feel good, you're missing out on the really good parts of life that take a little work.

How Much Sloth Do You Have?
http:///howmuchslothdoyouhavequiz/

What MY Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, falling in love is all about flirting and feeling playful. You couldn't fall in love with someone who took life too seriously.

Inside the Room of Your Soul
http:///insidetheroomofyoursoulquiz/

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor.
You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader.
Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways.
But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical.

With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you

In love: You are picky but passionate

To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

Your Wrath Quotient: 50

Ouch! You've got a bit of a temper going on there, don't you?
Just make sure to keep your revenge fantasies just that... fantasies only!

How Much Wrath Do You Have?
http:///howmuchwrathdoyouhavequiz/

Your Lust Quotient: 61

You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you!
You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do.

How Much Lust Do You Have?
http:///howmuchlustdoyouhavequiz/

Your Dating Purity Score: 88

You are an innocent dater.
You're either lacking in dating experience or have had a long serious relationship.
Either way, there's still plenty of fish in the sea out there for you to sample!

Dating Purity Test
http:///datingpuritytest/

THAT"S SAD FOR ME

You Are Coffee Ice Cream

Energetic and lively, you are always on the go.
You're doing a million things at once and doing them well.
You tend to motivate others and raise spirits.

You are most compatible with chocolate ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?
http:///whatflavoricecreamareyouquiz/

My sister: What day is new years??

"If I could die and come back as anything, it would be as one of your tears, so that I could be created in your heart, be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks and die on your lips."

"I had a heart it once was true; but now it's gone from me to you. Take care of it as I have done; now you have two and I have none."

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." - George W. Bush, interview with CBS News, Washington D.C., Sept. 6, 2006

"There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal."

- Sigfried Hulzer

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready."

- Henry David Thoreau

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."

- Aldous Huxley

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

- Thomas Alva Edison

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."

- Plato

My grandfather fought in the Philipines for the US in WWII, my uncle fought for the Nazis on the Eastern Front, and my cousin was a Polish communist liberation fighter. Our family reunions are very tense. (I found this on a forum and it was too good to pass up

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

"You can only rise as high as you dare to fall." -?

"O ye child of hell, why tempt ye me?" -Amulek, Book of Mormon

"If my life is of no value to my friends, then it is of no value to me." -Joseph Smith

"Alright then, I'll go to Hell!" -Huck, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

"Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It's knowing you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what." -Atticus, To Kill a Mockingbird

"Give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -I dunno who said it originally

"Et tu, Brute?" -Julius Caesar, Julius Caesar

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED-- DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!" -Sirius, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen is mightier than the sword." -Edward Bulwer-Lytton

"Knowing what you stand for limits what you will fall for." -?

"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The vailant never taste of death but once."
-Julius Caesar, Julius Caesar

"For once look at the planet with an eye for phenomena; more shocking than any sight is that we are not perpetually astonished. Everything proves breathtaking, and yet, still we breathe." -Jocelyn Streid

"Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live." -?

"You have your own page in the 'criminally insane' section," -Trouble, Artemis Fowl Files

"If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end as to be worthy of remembrance." -Theoden, Two Towers (movie)

"Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby's house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an aesthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder." -Nick, The Great Gatsby

"Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten." -G. K. Chesterton

"It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." -Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition, to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for." -Sam, Return of the King

"Nothing grows without hard work except weeds." -Gordon B. Hinckley

"Fear not!" said a strange voice behind him. Frodo turned and saw Strider, and yet not Strider; for the weatherworn Ranger was no longer there. In the stern sat Aragorn son of Arathorn, proud and erect, guiding the boat with skillful strokes; his hood was cast back, and his dark hair was blowing in the wind, a light was in his eyes: a king returning from exile to his own land.
-The Fellowship of the Ring

"Give me liberty or give me death!" -Patrick Henry

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic fugure that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning--
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." -Nick, The Great Gatsby

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money in the first place ?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Albert Einstein wrote:
Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the Universe.

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

SUSAN:
"All right, I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need ... fantasies to make life bearable."
DEATH:
"No. Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape."
SUSAN:
"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers?"
DEATH:
"Yes. As practice. You have to start out learning to believe the little lies."
SUSAN:
"So we can believe the big ones?"
DEATH:
"Yes. Justice. Mercy. Duty. That sort of thing."
SUSAN:
"They're not the same at all!"
DEATH:
"Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through with the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet you act as if there were some sort of rightness in the universe by which it may be judged."
SUSAN
"Yes. But people have got to believe that or what's the point — "
DEATH:
"My point exactly."

Doubt is the origin of wisdom.
-Rene Descartes

Truth exists - Only lies are invented.
-Georges Braque

There are always four sides to a story: your side, their side, the truth and what really happened.
-Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
- Albert Einstein

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
- Albert Einstein

If you can cheat, so can I. I won't let you beat me unfairly - I'll beat you unfairly first.
-Orson Scott Card

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
-BenStein

Life is an STD.
-R. D. Laing

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
-Rick Cook

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
-Peter Ustinov

Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
-Chinese Proverb

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-Zen spoofs

When two objects, one unstoppable, and the other unmovable collide, the dust that creates when they collide is called progress
-Mrs Kohut