I imagine if you are reading this, you are most likely a disgruntled author trying to see who had the nerve, the sheer arrogance, the magnificent (MAGNIFICENT) cojones to slam your story the way I most likely did.

If I did, in fact, give you a bad review, lets keep these possible explanations in mind.

1. I was drunk at the time.

2. You needed a review both different and more critical than the standard "omg lol GRATE story dude. LOVE teh part wher Nauroto gets the trenchcoat, SICK. I vote for EVERYGIRLEVER for his harem!1".

3. You may have done something stupid, like make a poll that will decide how your story will go instead of actually writing it.

4. You abandoned a story so I made fun of you a little bit. You are, after all, a failure.

5. Your story sucks. (It was probably this one) (Note to all the idiots complaining about #1: it was most definitely this one. Your story sucked.)

You can check a like-minded individual's profile, the illustrious Litany of Hate, for more humble advice on the art of not being a twatwaffle.

I would ask that people without an appropriate sense of irony and hyperbole fuck off, or you might find yourself inexplicably enraged and confused. Then again, if you're completely retarded, you probably won't realize I'm talking about you.

Which I am.

Talking about you.

Yes, you.

Below is The List of the problems I most often encounter on this site. These range from the mildly annoying to awe-inspiring hatred-inducing. Generally, you can preface most of these with "I hate (it when):"

It's not Tsuande, charka, Kohona, Avarda, Wesley or various other retarded misspellings, idiots. Tsunade, chakra, Konoha, Avada, Weasley--if you're spending any time at all writing, do it right.

There, their, they're. Its, it's. Of, off. These and things like them are the bane of bad authors everywhere.

Misspellings in summaries: Jesus Christ people, it's like 30 words, that everyone sees. Why would you ever fuck that up?

I do not want to look in your story for a summary. "I suck at summaries"="I suck at writing"="Intelligo, don't read my shitty story."

Stupid jokes. Internet memes, "Sasugay", "Dumbledork", and various puns have no place in fanfiction since the first time they were used. Perhaps before that. They don't even belong in the world at large.

Stupid names for villains. Here's a few to go along with the above point: Sasugay, Dumbles, Bumbles, The Dork Lord, Dumbledork, Voldy, Moldy, Moldyshorts (HOLY CHRIST I rage so hard when I see that one--what are you retards, five?)

Having your characters use modern (usually American) slang when they are in, for example, 1991 Hogwarts. Unless it's ironic or you have Harry going to 1989 New York, he should never say, for example, "that is ill". On a related note, excessive swearing. I'm not against swears (obviously), but when you have an eleven year old Naruto using "fuck" every other word, well, he sounds like an idiot. Granted, many eleven year-olds do this, but many of you aren't striving for realism. You actually think it's cool.

Abandoned stories. Not all of them, real life gets in the way. But if you are going to abandon a story, just let it fade into obscurity, don't be calling attention to it. Note: if you abandon one story but continue writing others, what the fuck dude. Seriously.

Polls that decide elements of a story. If you have so little clue as to where your story is going that a poll can determine plot elements as you write it your story is doomed to epic failure of unforetold epicness.

Certain fashions. Black trenchcoats (cliche city), "blood-red" anything, Hot Topic-inspired idiocy--they all got old around the same time, right after the Matrix released and all the idiots like yourself decided they wanted to be Neo-rific. If that wasn't your inspiration, it's still retarded. And dear God, if you actually write a trip to Hot Topic in your story...there are no words.

Having twelve year-olds do what you idiots think is badass. Smoking, wearing trenchcoats, swearing, being a douche--it isn't interesting or impressive.

Having anyone under the age of seventeen demand to be addressed in a certain way beyond normal societal niceties (e.g. "my lord", "Lord Potter", "Lord Black"). Seriously, this is retarded behavior.

Weaponry--the laissez faire borrowing of iconic weaponry from videogames and various animes, or making up legendary deux ex machinas, almost always comes off as contrived and cliche. Stop giving Naruto a katana for all that's good and decent in the world. Also, if I hear Masamune one more goddamn time I swear to Christ I will murder you.

Weaponry, part two--If you are going to focus heavily on guns and swords and whatnot, okay. But do your research. Do not assume that because you played Call of Duty you know what's what. Either be cursory, and just say gun, or be thorough and correct. Litany of Hate will wreck your shit for this, sirs.

Super Harems--These are simply retarded. Two women is unlikely, over ten though? And regardless, the only point of this is smut, yet you all still write that terribly: "Naruto put it in her until she came a billion times then he pulled out his 15 inch cock because he was so awesome he didn't come even once."

Mobs beating up Naruto--I will ignore the "this isn't canon" argument and just say no military dictatorship would let this happen to a valuable asset. Stop it.

Orochimaru summoning Kyuubi--Stop it. Especially the "I'm just a mis-understood monstrosity. The evil snake-man killed my children!" plot.

Yaoi writers that don't make it abundantly clear. I want the equivalent of an air-raid siren to warn me.

Yaoi writers that try to "No ship" a story. Seriously, when the two men hug each other and sleep in each others' beds, you aren't fooling anyone.

Kyuubi16--Stop it. You give cliches a bad name. Also, if the real world went by your definition of "adoption", foster parents would be stapling pictures of themselves to children's faces, their horrible, horrible pictures.

The various retarded things authors copy/paste into their profiles. For example, "99 percent of teenagers have smoked pot. If you're one of the 1 percent who's lying or just a total fuckbox who gets off on thinking they're better than other people for arbitrary and retarded reasons, copy this into your profile and add your name so everyone can see a nice list of idiots being nonconformist...together." I might have changed it a little. And by the way, any smart-asses thinking I'm being hypocritical here can go fuck themselves.

Potheads who thought the last point was supporting their terrible life choices.

The 99 laws of anime or whatever. They were amusing. Once.

Kyuubi calling Naruto "kit". Dear lord it undercuts the character so hard it hurts. Even if they grow close, this is one of the stupidest pieces of fandom ever.

Changing Haku into a girl so as to add her to a harem. There are enough attractive women in the series. Unless it's a single pairing and she's central to the plot, this has gotten old and boring. Even if it is important, the 氷点血継限界 is getting boring.

Writers with English as a second language--I always slam you for your grammar mistakes assuming you have a reasonable command of the English language and then read your profile and feel like a jerk. Which makes you a jerk. Don't be a jerk.

Putting stories up for adoption--Don't do this horseshit. If I was reading your story and liked it, what are the odds I'm going to like the work of someone who couldn't even come up with their own story? Why would I want to read "The Lord of the Rings, as adopted by Jacob Murphy"? I wouldn't, that's why. Note: There are exceptions, yes, but this is more along the vein of the person abandoning the story. If you have fifty-thousand words written, then your style has been firmly set and will most likely not be correctly emulated.

Anyone who writes a terrible story then responds to one of my more acerbic reviews with a well-thought-out and cohesive reply. What the fuck? Why don't you idiots put the same efforts into your stories as defending your e-penis?

Kyuubi16. Seriously.

70,000 word stories that get updated out of nowhere. I don't remember what you were doing, you probably don't either, and I have no reason to reacquaint myself with your crap just so I can vaguely understand the new chapter that won't be followed for another two years.

Authors note chapters saying "I'M NOT ABADNINIONGI I SWEARZ!" That's great. I wasn't really hanging by a thread waiting for it though. Prove you're not abandoning it with a goddamn update you twatwaffle.

Lengthy-appearing updates that are in truth half "omakes".

Omakes.

People getting in a hissy fit over a review and then withholding/wasting a chapter because of it. Either the review was right and your story sucks and you're pissed because you know it's true, or you know they were wrong so why the fuck do you care. I should note, I am not talking about a response to one of my reviews. If I reviewed you that badly, I'm probably not waiting for an update.

Soul bonds--Sarah1281 did a good job of explaining why this is so horrible. Adults get divorces for good reasons on occasion. Also, a mental link? How horrific is that. I get what you are going for, but relationships, at least worthwhile ones, are not easy. Not that being completely unable to hide your thoughts from your partner would make things easy. Someone make a story about how Harry and Hermione get divorced because he can't help but broadcast about every cute girl's ass to his wife, that would be interesting.

On a similar note, romance that moves too fast (I'm looking at you H/HR shippers). It comes off as gimmicky and poorly thought-out. I know you finally have the chance to design your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, but Jesus, pace yourself.

The power of friendship! Here, authors try to WAFF us to death with how amazingly powerful friends can be. Usually it's when idiots read too much into things like the Ministry fight in Order of the Phoenix. The only reason the children survived was because of luck and the underestimation/restraint by enemies. Luna, Neville, and Harry are not the A-Team.

Neville becoming Harry's superawesome ally overnight. Quit it. He isn't a compelling character when most of you idiots start your stories (4/5th year generally).

Harry using some obscure manners in dealing with various magical creatures perfectly with no background as to how he even knows it works. Seriously, if you could get the entire goblin nation on your side by being nice, don't you think someone would have at least pretended by then? The only possible answer is yes.

Harry getting some new wand that is made of super-dementor bones or whatnot in Knockturn Ally. There is no sense of accomplishment to this. What, he went to a special wand shop that presumably everyone would go to and gets a mechawand that is promptly forgotten about? This isn't compelling writing.

Anyone that writes in the form of a script, e.g. Harry: I hate everyone. Luna: EROIEMG

Overly cutesy bullshit. This is usually between child characters. "I love you more than life itself!" "Oh Harry, my angel!"

Authors that give incredible power to their main character than have them not use it/fuck up in a completely unrealistic manner. The Starbrand story comes to mind.

Authors that found the thesaurus on their computer and decided to go wild. It is painfully obvious when people do this. It doesn't make you look smarter. Stop it.

Chapters less than 2000 words. Honestly, I dislike chapters under 5000 words, but anything less than 2000 does not really count as an update.

Self-inserts. I get that all fanfiction is to a degree some form of self-insert, but when you start using personal pronouns that actually refer to yourself, well, that shit belongs in your head and should stay there.

Doing a George R.R. Martin. He's a great author, but Christ does he hate people who like his work. I'm not saying every story needs a happy ending, but you don't need to punish us for liking your characters. Stop killing all of them!

Retarded dialogue formatting. Not just ending all spoken bits with "soandso said", but the oh-so-common compounding of that problem with poor verb choices. I just read a chapter of a story (it was all I could stomach) where "voiced Soandso" was used twice. In a row. Holy christ.

Anything more than one exclamation point or any long combination of "?!" is bad writing. I can accept one "?!" I suppose. Also, ALL CAPS doesn't indicate loud speech, it indicates stupid authors.

Authors that use profiles to show just how angsty, independent, and "fuck the system" they are. If you really don't care what people think and you hate reviews on principle and your work can't be understood by us "mere mortals", then fuck off and stop posting, asshole.

Authors that use profiles to show how super a) christian b) anime-loving c) morally-inclined they are, amongst other things.

Giving Naruto a "fox Anbu mask", any codename with the word "fox" in it, putting any foxes on his clothing, or having him adopt a wild fox. No matter how clever you think you are, these are all retarded. Note: in this case, I consider fox and kitsune both equal offenders. Notable exception: Contra Bardus.

When describing a character's psyche (oh all you AP psych kids. You take a class in high school/college and you think you know what's what), using the word "mask" in any way that is more than "cursory" comes off as stupid. Not bad writing, just stupid authoring.

Music. Specifically, "song-fics"/anything containing lyrics to popular music (it is so fucking stupid when people break up song lyrics to sprinkle them over their chapter like some kind of retarded spicing. It's like they are TRYING to write for the fourteen-year-old Linkin Park AMV crowd). Also, when authors make "soundtrack suggestions" in the middle of their story. It's stupid, doesn't belong in writing, and your taste sucks.

Random author notes interspersed through a chapter. For example, "'Hey SASUGAY' (AN: LOL!!)." Seriously? Die.

Use of languages by means of an online-translator. This is mostly the weeaboos who read Bleach, eat pocky, and buy stuff from Jlist. You aren't Japanese (and apparently are too lazy to study the language), so you don't realize manga uses a style that will NOT be in any normal translator. To those of us who can understand, you look like an idiot. You can tell my main complaint is with Japanese, but Latin is a frequent offender as well. これを分かれなかったら、日本語を使わないで下さい。If you didn't understand that, you're not allowed to use Japanese.

Authors notes/appendices that take up more than one two-hundredth of a chapter. I want meat and potatoes, not "loL. heres all the japenese words i used: zapakutop, etc, etc."

Replying to a review with a hissy fit then blocking me before I can reply. Seriously, way to be a little bitch.

Walls of text. It's like the father of run-on sentences. We need paragraphs people, line breaks.

This may be a British thing, but 'this' is not dialogue. "This" is. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but there it is.

Using digits (i.e. 5, 6) instead of writing them out (five, six) in stories is just bad form.

People that don't take reviews seriously. I.E.: listen to all the five word reviews worshiping the ground they walk on and dismiss those that might, gasp, offer some useful criticism (I know it hurts).

People that reply to my reviews with "well you haven't read all of it yet" or "that's only the first chapter". So? Even if, by some miracle, the rest of your story turns out to not be shit after a poor initial showing (which is rare), that excuses prior awfulness?

Fanfic authors with a fanatical hatred of plagiarism. Yes, plagiarism is bad. It irritates me when I see it. But to see people flip out like some metaphor for flipping out, when they are, in fact, writing fanfiction...am I the only one who gets this? The IRONY people!

The Dante effect. Devil May Cry is a video game made for thirteen year old boys. Specifically, no human being acts like the characters from the game--posturing, angsting, and faux-badassery in equal measure. When you write your characters like a Dante, and humor is not one of your fic's categories, you need to hit yourself with the nearest heavy object. Hard.

OCs. Original characters are okay when it's in the single digits. Well, less than five. If you ask me to remember fifteen new names though for no other reason than you can't be bothered to use the existing characters from canon in a meaningful way, then you, sir, are a tool.

OCs part two. If you do, in fact, make original characters, assume that I don't care about them at all. You need to put forth a massive amount of effort to prove to the reader that your characters should be considered as important as any in the canon. Just because you decide "McFluffnuggets is Harry Potter's brother" doesn't mean I'm gonna care if he gets an axe to the face. Rowling spent seven books building her characters personalities and backgrounds and if she couldn't do it (/zing) your two paragraphs aren't gonna do much. Check out Ayien's "The Nine Broken Mirrors" to see how to write compelling OCs.

Butchered character development. Take for example a Harry Potter story. When you start the fic in the fifth year, then that means to the reader everything Rowling wrote up to that point is in effect. That means the Dursleys never brutalized Harry to the point of death, he didn't study dark magic for three years, and Cedric Diggory is dead. You really cannot just say "Well, Harry is evil now." Why? Explain everything up to that point, or your story falls flat on its face.

Warped gender portrayals. If you want a strong female character (kudos), that does not mean it has to be to the detriment of your male ones. Having characters bowing and scraping for women who then shit all over them, simply because you don't understand how gender politics work in real society, is just aneurysm-inducingly annoying. This goes both ways: if you think you twenty women will be okay "sharing" someone, or are totally cool with being completely subservient based on the fact that "hey, they're women gurk", then you are just as bad.

Please leave your religious and social commentary at the door. It's annoying, distracting, offensive, and you probably aren't doing it right anyway. This goes for both pro and anti religious, by the way. If you think fanfiction is a good mouthpiece you, sir, are helping the other side.

Authors names that let me know you're fourteen years old and your idea of good classical music is Lux Aeterna. For fucks sakes, DemonBloodAngel or HellNeoTesticles99, I know you're retarded, but you don't need to let everyone else know so easily. Here are some keywords that indicate it is quite likely your name sucks/you need to stop watching AMVs: Blood, angel, demon, death, black, twilight, kyuubi, Naruto, sephiroth, cloud, Dante, Dragon, neo. There are, of course, exceptions. Note: including The Jesus, platypus, or -doozle in your name automatically wins the game.

When you pick a tense, it really shouldn't change for the rest of the story. It should never change in the same section, and if you somehow manage to change it in the same paragraph, then you need to be stopped. "Harry stops and listened." ARGHFUCK.

Similar to the one above, stop switching points of view. It's okay if it's on purpose, but accidentally going from they to I is incredibly irritating. I probably won't read your story or invite you to my birthday party.

Political correctness has become a cliche so goddamn annoying in fanfiction it hurts. For once, just once, I want to see a super-racist Harry Potter who walks up to a goblin and says, "I learned your language so I could say this: Go fuck yourself you green monstrosity. I'm planning the Gringott's holocaust as we speak." Stop trying to make your leads personable to everyone. If no reader can look at your character and say, "What an asshole", you don't have a very interesting protagonist.

Reviewees that respond with, "At least I have a life." Okay.

Reviewees that respond with, "I asked my teacher and they said I was right so nyaah." Holy shit, you actually told an educator you read/write fanfiction?

Review whores that pretend they aren't review whores. I respect it if you say "I need reviews if I'm going to waste my time writing this." However if you say something like, "I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! GJUESS HOO NARUTO FEALLS IN LOVE WITH AN D ILL TELL TYHE WINNAR NEXT CHAPTER," then get fucked. Seriously.

I can understand a grammatical mistake here or there. Even a mistake like "stair" instead of "stare" (understanding doesn't make it less fucking annoying), but if you have something like "loeves", that means you didn't bother using the most basic of spell checks and need to be kicked in the teeth.

This needs to be in caps, I apologize. IRONY AND COINCIDENCE ARE NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING. IF YOUR NAME IS JOE AND YOU MEET A GUY NAMED JOE, THAT IS COINCIDENCE, NOT IRONY. HOLY GOD FUCK CHRIST ON A POGOSTICK.

The word naughty. When you describe a sixteen year-old boy as naughty, it sounds vaguely homoerotic. When you say "rated T for naughty language", it sounds like you need to stop right there and destroy the devil box you're writing with.

Reviewees that try to distance their blatant mistakes as intentional by way of the character. When character X says, "I think (completely untrue factoid that was clearly not researched properly)," and I review, "Your story sucks because of (said factoid)," the weakest possible defense you can offer is, "NO, that was character X's opinion." Fuck. You.

There is a powerful tool that few ever use correctly. I am, of course, referring to ellipses. Particularly with manga fandoms, you idiots cannot seem to help yourselves. "Naruto...I...am...going...to...kill...you...sometime...later...but...right...now...the...author...is...being...a...massively...pretentious...cockbag..." Ellipses should be used to indicate disbelief or contempt, generally. If you use them to inject drama, then you're doing it wrong.

The character switcheroo. If you decide that Draco Malfoy is going to be a good person, then you better prove to the audience (ME) that the change is believable. If he acts a certain way for fifteen years, there better be a drastic change to precipitate one in his character, not "he finally realized his daddy was evil."

Adults bantering with children. Most of the time this is when idiots try to write the relationship between Harry and Sirius. Harry says something that seems "adultish" and what you idiots think is actually "funny" and Sirius laughs and laughs. Fourteen year olds are not particularly witty, people, and even if they say something that I would find extremely funny, the impact is greatly reduced by the fact it's a fourteen year old. Their jokes are funny because of how retarded they are. Stop trying to create a relationship among equals when one is a minor and over a decade younger.

Along the line of stupid jokes, gay bashing. I do not really care about gay rights, so don't mistake this for some kind of super-charged advocacy. When you have Harry call Draco gay, or Naruto do the same to Sasuke, you are not being clever. You are, apparently, trying your best to make everyone that reads your story think you're an idiot.

If you warn me about swears at the beginning of your chapter, and I cannot ctrl-find "fuck", you are an idiot.

Stories with any K rating. I have no desire to read about pre-teens, which is the only demographic that could be legitimately portrayed within the constraints of a K or K plus rating. This is a broad, broad generalization.

Character bashing. I don't mind me some old-fashioned ego-stomping, but when you do it to the point where your protagonist comes off as an even worse pretentious-douchebag than the character you are targeting, then it's too much. This, unfortunately, is the case for the majority of, well, all the stories on this site. For example, Ron Weasley has every right to be jealous, Albus Dumbledore is an old man with the expectations of the world and the guilt of thousands of deaths on his shoulders, Draco Malfoy was brought up in an insular environment by an incredibly abusive racist, and Sasuke Uchiha was tortured in an unfathomable fashion. You might see how they could behave a bit undesirably on occasion (you probably won't though). If you want to criticize them fine, but explain why they deserve it. Canon is rarely enough to justify the amount of hate people love to spam.

My lord, stop telling me "the good parts are coming" and fucking write them already.

Reviewees that point out my lack of published works like it somehow justifies their terrible stories and invalidates my review. Okay, fuckwit, do you need to be a doctor to know that a compound-fracture is a bad thing? Actually wait, strike that, this is fanfiction. Whereas a doctor would be a real author...Do you need to be a high-school biology student to realize bone coming out of your bleeding body is a bad thing? I know what's good writing and what's bad writing because I have gone to college and I have read more than a Naruto manga throughout the course of my life. I come to this site to read, because I enjoy that more than writing. Note: no offense to the good writers on this site.

Not every canon character requires a pairing. If you feel the need to put Hermione and Harry together, that does not mean you need to pair off everyone else from the series. In fact, don't. Make it a footnote: Neville Longbottom died alone.

If you have Naruto die forty years in the future, then he comes back and tries to get with a thirteen year-old Hinata, regardless of their status in the future that is creepy, manipulative pedophilia. Straight up.

Fanatical devotion. Whether it be to pairings, plots, or to defending a random stranger's story against the like of me, get over it. Seriously.

Cock mongrels that think blocking me from replying is a victory. Oh my Jesus I wish I could go Jay and Silent Bob on you thirteen year-old fuckers.

Retroactive deus ex machina. If you realize half way through your story that "oh shit, nothing I've written makes sense," don't try to manufacture a get-out-of-jail-free card out of nowhere and try to shove it down my throat. This is generally when you see little bits of explanations thrown in after the fact, where it is painfully obvious the author realized as they're writing, "hrm, why would Naruto get sick if he's dead? That doesn't make sense..."

The bait-and-switch. This isn't a big one, but a story I read recently, that was quite good even at the end, suddenly did a nine-hundred (yes, it spun around that many times) from the plot it had been using for several hundred thousand words, and I was left feeling violated and more than a bit confused. This is more personal preference than anything.

When you write a story that maligns a character for not "respecting" an eleven-year old (as an equal is unsaid here), the fuck? You hold a eleven-year old's opinion in as high regard as your own? They're fucking eleven years old. You could show me an eleven year old with a three hundred point IQ and I would still tell the kid to shut up, his bed time is nine regardless of how many laws of physics he disproved today.

If, for some retarded reason, you decide to give Harry a marauder name (or just same animagus nickname for that matter), don't attempt to "badassify" it. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and DARKTALONSCYTHESALOT doesn't really work. The marauders were gradeschool pranksters/bullies. Not assassins. Christ. Fang, Dark, Talon, Claw--these are tell-tale signs of idiocy. If you make Harry a raven (which, while not entirely original, a bit more believable and interesting than some invincible phoenix), name him "Beaky". I find that amusing.

When you ship, I sincerely hope you've been in an actual relationship beyond that civil ceremony in Orgrimmar where you got hitched to your best raiding healer. Real couples don't call each other "mate", "my love", "beloved", at least not the normal ones. Pet names are one thing, cheap supermarket romance novel endearments are another.

Why does everyone seem to think that Tonks naturally looks amazing? Christ, mix it up. Have her forget what her natural form is, or make her hideous. Every time you make a supermodel-worthy Tonks all you shallow fucks are really saying is "everyone is beautiful on the inside...as long as they're still hot. No fatties."

A chapter saying you are revising your story, or even worse a chapter polling if the story should be continued, tells me simply that you are an idiot, and I should probably avoid your (doomed to never be finished) work.

People that seem think Gilmore Girls stylized dialogue makes your shit witty. It doesn't. Generally, larger words, when spoken casually, make you appear like a pompous twat who's trying too hard. Especially when you factor in the age-gap "banter" item from earlier in the list.

The way you idiots indicate flashbacks is horrendously annoying. I mean, using flashbacks in a serious story is a bad enough device, but the giant //FLASHBACK OPEN// and //FLASHBACK CLOSE// you use is just fucking irritating.

Japanese people do not say "oh my Kami" the same way English speakers say "oh my God". Stop swapping the two, it makes no sense and you're stupid for doing it.

Old timey speech. When you start throwing out "thee", "my lord", and "sire", someone better be drunk or absolutely insane. Having a serious character do that is dumb. Having teenagers playfully flirt via "my lady/lord" is fucking terrible and you should die for even considering it.

Summarizing chapters. This is a bit harder to explain. For example, when you send Harry to Diagon Alley then proceed to abuse the reader with "First he went to Gringotts, then he went to the Trunk store and bought a trunk and then he went to the bookstore and bought EVERYTHING and then he went to" ad nauseum, you are a horrible person. Not just a bad author, but a bad human being. Either it's important enough to warrant a narrative, or it's retarded and should be left out.

Banks are not omnipotent. Stop making Gringotts the one-stop-shop for unlimited political and fiduciary power. And for that matter, you don't need to be obscenely, unrealistically wealthy to be rich. Stop making Harry a billionaire.

Hermione is a massive bitch. Both canon and fanon. Around one out of every twenty stories nowadays has an actual likable Hermione--and this is your fault. You, the HP/HG shipper. You suck at what you do. A strong ability in reading comprehension does not omniscience make. Stop turning her into a deus ex library.

If you write a "high school fic" and the category isn't parody, you're retarded. Not unintelligent, literally a drooling shell of a human being who can only communicate by bashing your misshapen skull against your filthy keyboard. It explains the spelling errors too.

That retarded thing people keep copying into their profiles that goes "I do X so I MUST be Y". You know what? Yes. Yes you are Y, you fucking idiot.

Pseudo-philosophy. Similar to my psychology point--you are not Socrates. Plato wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Most of you idiots haven't even read The Republic, let alone engaged in any meaningful intellectual discourse. If you're in high school, stop laying out your opinions on the human condition, even though we both know you're just going to vomit Fitzgerald and Salinger like it means something.

If you're writing a crossover, make it believable. Naruto should never be piloting a mech.

Harry Potter/Naruto crossovers are bad. Trust me. It's a bad idea, don't do it.

Stop making Harry a prankster/best friends with George and Fred as a matter of course. Pranksters are assholes who ruin someone's day to get a laugh. A few stories have done a good job showing how cruel the twins are when you aren't on their side.

If you give your main character an ability, power, or weapon, I expect it to be used. Regularly, hopefully. Some people might say "but if he used this too much it would ruin the story". If that's true, you've already ruined the story by overpowering your protagonist.

This is the internet. People will not like you simply for breathing. Deal with it.

MORE SHALL BE ADDED.

Most of these can be avoided by proofreading and not being retarded. Every time I read this list I find something to fix, I can only imagine how many mistakes there are if you never proof your work even once.

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule (well, not the grammar, spelling and mechanics ones), but you can be fairly certain if I gave you a bad review, you aren't one of them.

I have noticed, on occasion, that I have absolutely awful stories (by my own standards) in my C2 and favorites list. I apologize, but that's how it goes sometimes. Particularly older stories from when I was less discerning. Let it be known that I wince at every error when I read the updates before I angrily close the window.

My favorite author list, however, is fairly accurate. Most of these people are excellent writers.

Fanmail-A Premium Selection

kaijukage wrote:

i can understand alot of your points while i may not agree with them i must say you have balls for actually having an account unlike many flamers and while i dislike your stance to haku (theirs just to many reasons for her to actually be a him) but while i can understand your stance remember this site is for FUN not profit or anything else and also when you haven't written any stories you make your slef look like a jerk and as for kyuubi16 while on somethings i don't agree with him he still helps older teens like me get off with out risking looking up porn and getting a virus on our computers but remeber this your making more enemies then friends i hope you can atleast post a story so you don't look arrogant hile you have'nt flamed me you have flamed some of my friends and what i got from reading your profile is a strong vibe of arrogance so i beg you to not be so harsh on authors who are most likly kids trying to have fun i know my grammer and such are bad but hey i can improve and what you do breaks peoples spirits and you make enemyes of the people who like the story and eventually you'll have entire fandoms against you.

iffritman56 wrote:

Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You probably haven't visited my stories and I hope you never will but I've read some of your reviews on some of my pals fanfiction and then I thought, "Meh, he might have a good reason to do this, my buds story does need some improving". And then I saw your reasons. Wow. Seriously? "I was drunk"? What the hell of an excuse is that?! "Your story needed a review that doesn't say (insert everything you said about it here)"...Where should I start? Some stories are actually good so people review a lot. I admit that there are some dumbasses that only like seeing god-like Naruto but if you just say bad things just because of good reviews, you're one fucked up guy. And all the other stuff you posted on your profile. I admit that Super Harem and most of the other things you've said are true, but others were retarded. Don't go assuming that just because a story is bad, the author is a terrible writer. Maybe he's/she's new writing. Maybe they made a story to see what he did wrong. There are plenty of reasons an author writes stories. And you know the fuck what? I've seen your poll, and I see your answers, and...wait? What's that? That smell? It smells like...BULLSHIT!! (If you thinks I'm trying joke around right now, don't) You've never even fucking write story before! Who the hell are you to say, "I can help your pathetic story". If you don't like the stories, leave fanfiction forever! You can give out constructive criticism but don't go "I'm god of this place and I can do whatever the fuck I want" cause you can't you asshole! don't reply, cause we all know the REAL reason you flame people is simply you lack the skills necessary to write a REAL story. Go write a story, get people to like it, and then you flame people's ass off. But for now, you're a storyless fucking asshole who enjoys putting down people's spitit because they are writers who need help and you abandon them without giving out real advice and being a fucking asshole!!

24CaratCoal wrote:

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.ws/r/5162666/

Thank you, for having the guts to flame me and actually leave your name. It's amazing how many people just don't have a pair. It's not like anybody is going to track them down and beat the crap out of them for giving a bad review.

First off though, I would like to point out that I wrote this story on a whim, and it's definitely not the easiest story I've ever written- my medical knowledge is limited to absolutely nothing, so I'm pulling all this shit out of my ass.

The twelve year old smoking thing? Well, he's fifteen, not twelve- and I really don't know how that came about. Just happened, in this story, Naruto is a smoker. 'Medical jargon' was me trying and failing to both find a synonym for 'small talk' while being witty and clever (also a failure, by the way).

His specialty is trauma surgery. That simple.

Yes, I know about the cliche dialogue, get off my ass.

As for all the other stuff. Blow it out your ass and get over yourself.

Have a nice day.

24CaratCoal

PS. Don't bother with Elements of a Maelstrom, it's crap, I know it. I'm just leaving it up to remind my self how truly awful my writing can be if I don't put more than a little effort into the story.

Again, thanks for reviewing. (And look on the bright side, at least I didn't do faces! :D)

chaosthesith89 wrote:

Alright, I saw that little list in your profile, and though we do not know each other, I just have to say. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T BITCH ABOUT FANFICTIONS! This site is meant for people who see something they dislike in the original storyline, be it manga and anime, movies, books, games, or whatever. However, it's inconsiderate shit-sniffers like you that make the whole experience come back to reality and fuck the whole thing up. You point out all these bad things about fanfiction, and yet you haven't written a single story. You have no right to bitch and gripe about the stories on this website. And no one gives a flying fuck if you've been to college. I've been myself, and I still like fanfiction, and unlike you, I do write it. It's alright to give constructive criticism, but what you are doing is nothing more than trying to smash on other people for their ideas, when you don't even have any to begin with. So, until you start writing your own stories, chill the fuck out, and show a little respect for actual writers.

Driftwood1965 wrote:

Thanks for the feedback. Glad you won't be wasting your time reading the rest
of the story. Think how much time I saved you right there.

Not quite sure why people need to whine about a story instead of just finding
a new one to read, but feel free to do so. My ego can't be damaged by people
with IQs that can be indicated by the number of fingers being held up...on one
hand. I guess some people don't have enough of a real life to otherwise
occupy their time.

Have a great evening.

Neokyuubi18 wrote:

Stuff it you piece of waste. Since you seem to hate Naruto fandom in a whole then why don't you stop coming to the sight. You keep talking about other authors and stuff but I don't see you writing a story you coward.

Chrisdz wrote:

ya know for someone who hasn't written a story u sure talk a lot of shit. if u dont like it dont read it its that simple aint nobody got a gun ta ya head. but how about u try writing something first before coming to people with your negative comments and if ya cant do that keep em to ya self

Kyuubi16 wrote:

well you then...keep your opinions to yourself...

Zeromaru Chaos Mode wrote:

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.ws/r/6007943/

Honestly, no it wasnt. The way Hermione Granger "thinks" is to think narrowmindedly, and not take into account multiple factors that could be coloring her view. True, most people do that, but it doesnt mean it's correct. and who said i was attempting to disguise anything? It's the truth. most people allow their personal thoughts or experiences to color their view of things. not that doing so in its entirety is wrong, but to not be able to step outside yourself, and see through the eyes of another, when trying to supposedly "help" them or "offer them support" means you are literally thinking WRONG. because you're thinking of how YOU would do something. not how THEY would, and it's THEIR problem. Sure, it helps to throw your life into their shoes for a moment, tell them how you'd deal with it in an offering of another possible way to resolve the problem, but when that's ALL you do, without taking into account how that would factor into their lives, you're doing it wrong.

Again, i'm not following canon entirely. the book, was written by someone who spent thousands upon thousands of years, researching, living, and experiencing multiple forms of magic. crack-like? not so much. if it was following direct canon? yes. in reality, no, since things are obviously different, even if just slightly.

Hahaha, wow, you fail at thinking. Really, if you were face to face with a pissed off dragon that could kill you faster than you can blink, and remember this is a Nest Mother, being the ones charged with protecting their children at all costs, and already they FAILED once, wouldnt YOU kiss up to it? Fuck knows i would, especially if i didnt want to have to kill the thing. As for "Child of Man" really, how would YOU think an intelligent creature would refer to humanity? though i agree, the "man" part needs work. honestly, i couldnt think up what another creature would call "humans" considering that "two-legs" wouldnt work, because there ARE a few two legged creatures in the world outside of the human race. Plus, also take into account that dragons as a whole are ancient and POWERFUL creatures.

You'd think that considering Rowling's Wizarding World seems to be stuck mostly in medieval times, that manner of speech would be expected of a creature detached from constant human influence, like a dragon. Just goes to show how little people actually pay attention to the surroundings of Harry Potter.

Problem is, i DO have something. thing is, it's not written for specific types of people, being those who worship canon (and really, if that's the case, stop friggin reading FANfiction) those who cannot think in concepts, or those who dont pay attention to the things going on around the main character. See, i write things, that take into account how the characters were made, what COULD have made them be like that, and if i so choose, semi-logical ways they can change.

Seriously now, i'm GOING to write that mock-timeline up. it wont have years or dates, just events. but then people will finally friggin get that THIS IS A GODDAMN AU.

He wasn't done though. I cannot in good conscience omit the second PM, it was too...well, you'll see:

Ninja? far from it. Seriously, look up the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception.
the "lines" harry sees can only be traced by sharp objects, or, theoretically,
possibly "sharp" waves of air or whatnot. that part is never fully covered.

Running off walls shouldn't be too difficult for people in the HP universe.
Remember, they have "sticking charms" and even "permanent sticking charms".
Going by that logic, it shouldnt be surprising to see someone who can think
outside the box that Rowling put her world's people in, to be able to use a
similar "spell" non-verbally, at will after practicing. like i said, there
are time-jumps, and in these time jumps, harry is spending most of his time

practicing.

More knowledgable? Not quite. There's still plenty he doesnt know, but what
he IS doing, is THINKING. what you think Dumbledore got where he was just by
reading books and flicking his wand? No. but remember, the only "Elite" was
Dumbledore. The others were headmasters, or high ranking ministry workers,
and if you read the books, you would learn that the only people who can count
as "elite" in terms of skill and or knowledge, are Unspeakables, EXTREMELY
High Ranking Aurors, and possibly the head of the DMLE.

That Harry picked up something most adults wouldnt think of is a surprise, and
Dumbledore himself didnt think of it, solely because really, how often would
Dumbledore find himself casting magic underwater? Before you start agreeing
with that other dude, who didnt bother to read past the first chapter (and
i'll be adressing your other "concerns" in a different response) consider

this:

When you learn something, something important, but dont consistently refresh
the mechanics behind what you learned, is it not true that all you end up
retaining is the end result? is it so hard to believe that in Dumbledore's
mind, all he knew was a vague sense of "dont cast anything underwater"? And
if that's the case, it's not unlikely it was just THAT particular thought.
not: "Magic is less effective as a whole, underwater." only "spells USED
underwater are weaker" The difference here may seem slight, but its actually
impossibly huge. it's one thing to realize that actively casting a spell
underwater, where the effects are weakened, is a bad idea.

it's a completely different realization, when you hit the notion that ALL
magic is weakened underwater. not just stuff you cast while underwater, but
magic itself. unless it's like, specifically tailor made to be cast

underwater.

also, have you READ, the last few books? i admit i didnt read half of the
sixth, and any of the seventh, but i did my research.

Adults in the wizarding world lack the logic that you or i would have. at
least, the adults that exist around Harry do. they DONT have every reason to
be cautious and circumspect, to quote you, because they dont THINK. They
figure "it's magic. it does this, and this, and this." only those who go
into work fields that involve the questioning of how things work, actually
know how to use logic. but remember, Fudge runs a ministry filled with not
just idiots (certain people excluded) but people who can buy out his favor.
Fudge, is an idiot. he's a weak-willed cowardly man, who cares more about his
image than the actual people he's supposed to be minding. He surrounds
himself with people who either think exactly like him, or will pay him or pay
others to appear a different way, and he'll turn a blind eye to their faults.

Im trying very hard NOT to assume here, but you're pretty much saying "no, i
didnt bother reading anything past a certain book, nor did i do any research
into what went on". The Wizarding World that harry resides in, that Rowling
created, is filled with corruption, and lazy fools who would rather cower in
fear, or take credit for someone else's work, than get up and do something
about the problem themselves, or even TRY to help looking for ways the problem
can be solved.

Do TRY to factor that TRUTH into your thoughts before you review another harry
potter story. then again, if said story starts writing the culture from the
ground up, then you can go ahead and disregard what canon states, because
you'll be dealing with an entirely different beast.

Myrddin Le Fay wrote:

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.ws/r/8229802/

Well I see you following it, don't follow if you're going to effing complain! Shitty tense means shit to me when you've only written a huge ass load of crap that I wouldn't even think about reading on your profile! And no story to see whether your tense's or dialogue is so fucking awesome!

Really really bad to mean means I'll leave it and never wait for an update.

Think carefully before you write--this is the company you may be in.