A Short Guide to Comparative Religions – The Shit List

Taoism – Shit happens.
Confucianism – Confucius say, “Shit happens”.
Buddhism – If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Zen Buddhism – What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism – This shit happened before.
Mormonism – This shit is going to happen again. Stockpile.
Islam – If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah.
Protestantism – Make shit happen to someone else.
Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?
Catholicism – Shit happens because you deserve it.
Islamic Fundamentalism – Shit happens because they deserve it.
Calvinism – Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Shinto – Shit is everywhere, so as long as you’re stepping in it, show it some respect
Ba’hai – All shit is truly shit.
Stoicism – This shit is its own reward.
Atheism – I don’t believe this shit.
Missionaries – Belive in shit, or we’ll boil you in it.
Seventh Day Adventist – Shit happens on Saturdays.
Amish – Shit dost occur.
Mennonite – None of this modern shit now.
Mormonism – Your shit is shit, but our shit is the ONE TRUE shit.
Platonism – There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.
Enlightenment – I shit therefore I am.
Agnosticism – Shit may or may not be happening; we don’t know shit.
Existentialism – Absurd shit.
Logical Positivism – Shit = S H I T
Nihilism – Who gives a shit?
Altruism – Want some shit?
Capitalism – How much will this shit cost?
Communism – It’s everybody’s shit.
Marxism – The workers take all the shit, but they’re gonna dish it back out again.
Deconstruction – Shit happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Creationists – We have proof that God created all the shit that happens.
TV-Evangelism – You need our shit! Dial 78910-SHIT right now!!
Christian Science – Shit is in your mind.
Moonies – Only happy shit really happens.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – Knock, knock, shit happens.
Scientology – Shit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare Krishna – Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
Transcendental Meditation – Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. …
Astrology – Ur-anus transits.
Murphism – Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.
Voodoo – Let’s dump some shit on someone.
Hedonism – There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Yuppieism – It’s my shit! All mine!
Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this shit.

"Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity."

Shima, An Assassin's Memories

One man having an imaginary friend is called a lunatic. Several men having an imaginary friend is called a religion."

Quote of 2009: "The tooth fairy teaches kids that they can get money for selling body parts... I blame her for certain, shall we say, questionable professions?"

"Hey, Sasuke? Why do people feel safer under blankets? It's not like a killer is going to come in here and be like, 'I'm going to kill yo – ah, shit, you're under a blanket! Never mind.'" - Three Words by SkyChasingDreamer

"Just leave me alone!"

"But I like you. And I'm supposed to stalk you until you swear your eternal love for me. Or at least go out with me. Or you could do both." - In the Middle of Confrontation by Simple-Minded-Idiot

"I hope I didn't just see you copying off of Sasuke's paper, Naruto." Iruka said quietly.

"I hope you didn't see me either." - Lights in The Fridge by fowl68

"Why do you automatically assume the worst of me Hyuuga?"

"…maybe because you just unsheathed a katana from the wall and are looking for all un obstructed exits?

"…I was admiring the sharpened edges."

"..Uh huh. That's probably what Jack the Ripper said too."