Name: Shubham Dutt

Age: 21

Country of origin: India

Hobbies: Reading, be it fanfics or regular novels, writing, though it is currently limited to fanfic only, and the occasional basketball game.

Favorite Anime/Manga: Naruto, One Piece, Basilisk, Sekirei, High School DxD and a few more.

Favorite authors: Classic writers including Shakespeare, Alexander Dumas, Fyodor Dostoyevski. Modern writers like Paolo Coelho, Agatha Christie, Dan Brown, Amish Tripathi(those who don't know about him, I recommend reading his books as they are brilliant mythological fictions) and a few more.

The following words by Paolo Coelho have been a great inspiration for me and I hope they provide the same inspiration to others as well:

"I believe that every human being on this planet has at least one good story to tell his neighbor"

“There are two types of writers: those who make you think and those who make you dream says Brian Aldiss, who made me dream for such a long time with his science-fiction books. In principle I believe that every human being on this planet has at least one good story to tell his neighbor. What follows are my reflections on some important items in the process of creating a text:

Above all else, the writer has to be a good reader. The kind that sticks to academic texts and does not read what others write (and here I’m not just talking about books but also blogs, newspaper columns and so on) will never know his own qualities and defects.

So, before starting anything, look for people who are interested in sharing their experience through words. I’m not saying: “look for other writers.” What I say is: find people with different skills, because writing is no different from any other activity that is done with enthusiasm.

Your allies will not necessarily be those that everyone looks on with admiration and says: “there’s nobody better.” It’s very much the opposite: it’s people who are not afraid of making mistakes, and yet they do make mistakes. That is why their work is not always recognized. But that’s the type of people who change the world, and after many mistakes they manage to get something right that will make all the difference in their community.

These are people who cannot sit around waiting for things to happen before they decide on the best way to narrate them: they decide as they act, even knowing that this can be very risky.

Living close to these people is important for writers, because they need to understand that before putting anything down on paper, they should be free enough to change direction as their imagination wanders. When a sentence comes to an end, the writer should tell himself: “While I was writing I traveled a long road. Now I can finish this paragraph in the full awareness that I have risked enough and given the best of myself.”

The best allies are those who don’t think like the others. That’s why, while you are looking for your companions, trust your intuition and don’t pay any attention to others’ remarks. People always judge others using the model of their own limitations — and at times the opinion of the community is full of prejudices and fears.

Join those who have never said: “It’s finished, I have to stop here.” Because just as winter is followed by spring, nothing comes to an end: after reaching your objective, you have to start again, always using all that you have learnt on the way.

Join those who sing, tell stories, enjoy life and have happiness in their eyes. Because happiness is contagious and always manages to keep people from being paralyzed by depression, loneliness and troubles.

And tell your story, even if it’s only for your family to read.

Paulo Coelho’s writing tips:

On confidence: You cannot sell your next book by underrating your book that was just published. Be proud of what you have.

On trust: Trust your reader, don’t try to describe things. Give a hint and they will fulfill this hint with their own imagination.

On expertise: You cannot take something out of nothing. When you write a book, use your experience.

On critics: Some writers want to please their peers, they want to be “recognized.” This shows insecurity and nothing else, please forget about this. You should care to share your soul and not to please other writers.

On note-taking: If you want to capture ideas, you are lost. You are going to be detached from emotions and forget to live your life. You will be an observer and not a human being living his or her life. Forget taking notes. What is important remains, what is not important goes away.

On research: If you overload your book with a lot of research, you are going to be very boring to yourself and to your reader. Books are not there to show how intelligent you are. Books are there to show your soul.

On writing: I write the book that wants to be written. Behind the first sentence is a thread that takes you to the last.

The following is a work of fiction and readers are advised to treat it as such.

THE BRO CODE

Whether we know it or not, each of us lives a life governed by an internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality, others call it religion. I call it ‘the Bro Code.’

Article 1: Bros before ho’s.

Article 2: A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.

Article 3: If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

Article 4: A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason…no not even that reason.

Article 5: Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

Article 6: A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

Article 7: A Bro never admits he can’t drive. Even after an accident.

Article 8: A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

Article 9: Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball.” it’s still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls…metaphorically speaking, of course.

Article 10: A Bro will drop whatever he’s doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

Article 11: A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after disclosing an honest estimate on both time and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bro(s) retain the right to leave his possessions where they are-in most cases, stuck in a doorway.

Article 12: Bros do not share desserts.

Article 13: All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.

Article 14: If a chick inquires about another Bro’s sexual history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.

Article 15: A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.

Article 16: A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series and Playmate of the Year.

Article 17: A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him in the Pyramid of Screaming.

Article 18: If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.

Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”

Article 20: A Bro respects his Bros in military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

Article 21: A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.

Article 22: There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Article 23: When flipping through TV channels with his Bro, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics and on some occasions, surgery programs.

Article 24: When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at wither 12 or 6 o’ clock. All others angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

Article 25: A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name.

Article 26: Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

Article 27: A Bro shall never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

Article 28: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.

Article 29: If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

Article 30: A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.

Article 31: When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick because you just never know.

Article 32: A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.

Article 33: When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional.

Article 34: Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil’s threeway.

Article 35: A Bro never rents a chick flick.

Article 36: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.

Article 37: A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they are not that heavy.

Article 38: Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never a punches another Bro in the groin.

Article 39: When a Bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

Article 40: Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party.”

Article 41: A Bro never cries.

Article 42: Upon meeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

Article 43: A Bro loves his country.

Article 44: A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.

Article 45: A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

Article 46: If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of the shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased the headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses.

Article 47: A Bro never wears pink.

Article 48: A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged.

Article 49: When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actually got it.

Article 50: If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.

Article 51: A Bro checks out another Bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

Article 52: A Bro is not required to remember another Bro’s birthday, though a phone call every now and again probably wouldn’t kill him.

Article 53: Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

Article 54: A Bro is required to go out with Bros on St. Patty’s Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year’s Eve and Desperation Day(February 13).

Article 55: Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.

Article 56: A Bro is required to alert another, only one, Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1.

Article 57: A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

Article 58: A Bro doesn’t grow a mustache.

Article 59: A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it’s out of state or, like, crazy expensive.

Crazy Expensive Bail (Years you’ve been Bros)* Rs 6000 ($100)

Article 60: A Bro shall honor thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.

Article 61: If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

Article 62: In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs, if both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they’re the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of Broshambo (Rock, paper, and scissors for Bros.) shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there.

Article 63: A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.

Article 64: A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.

Article 65: A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros.

Article 66: If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, his Bros shall offer no more than a ‘that sucks, man’ and copious quantities of beer. To eliminate the possibility of any awkward moments in the future his Bros shall also refrain from any pejorative commentary-deserved or not-regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite backslide window has fully closed.

Article 67: Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.

Article 68: If a Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own personal records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent.

Article 69: DUH.

Article 70: A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with his luggage, or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being.

Article 71: As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.

Article 72: A Bro never spell-checks.

Article 73: When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless the affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather than enormously relieved.

Article 74: At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green, that way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he’ll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

Article 75: A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick.

Article 76: If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say ‘I love you,’ he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Barry White-esque tone.

Article 77: Bros don’t cuddle.

Article 78: A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman.

Article 79: At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he’s not horrified at the thought of being the next one before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.

Article 80: A Bro shall make every effort in aid another Bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself.

Article 81: A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.

Article 82: If two Bros get into a heated argument over something, and says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to ‘take it back’ or ‘apologize’ to make amends. That’s inhuman.

Article 83: A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever ‘love’ thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

Article 84: A Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV. Ditto The Shawshank Redemption, Top Gun and The Big Lebowski.

Article 85: If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros. His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they’re whistling at.

Article 86: When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.

Article 87: A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.

Article 88: If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors or the seat position, even if the last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

Article 89: A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.

Article 90: A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six-pack, he shall bring a six-pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates that he should wait until nobody is looking.

Article 91: If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.

Article 92: A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.

Article 93: Bros don’t speak French to one another.

Article 94: If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees.

Article 95: A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally.

Article 96: Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.

Article 97: Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend.

Article 98: A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.

Article 99: A Bro never asks for directions when lost.

EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick seems to know the area.

EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost.

EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.

Article 100: When pulling up to a spotlight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.

Article 101: If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to the grave.

Article 102: A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.

Article 103: A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footwear plan and sticks with it.

Article 104: The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing…provided she looks good in it…but not of she smokes menthol cigarettes.

Article 105: If a Bro is not invited to another Bro’s wedding, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, even if, let’s face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop.

Article 106: Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.

Article 107: A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging. Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a Bro out dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.

Article 108: If a Bro forgets a guy’s name, he may call him “brah,” “dude,” or “man,” but never “Bro.”

Article 109: When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron , they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.

Article 110: If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.

Article 111: If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.

Article 112: A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar.

Article 113: A Bro abides by the expected age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.

ACCEPTABLE AGE-DIFFERENCE FORMULA

x

x=chick’s age; y=Bro’s age

Article 114: If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

Article 115: A ‘clothing optional’ beach doesn’t really mean ‘clothing optional’ for Bros.

Article 116: A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro’s chance to score with a chick.

Article 117: A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool’s errand of getting up to manually change the channel.

Article 118: When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.

Article 119: When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar.

Article 120: Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from ‘Beat It.’ which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.

Article 121: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while bowling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.

Article 122: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.

Article 123: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying ‘I love you, man’ to all his Bros.

Article 124: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that beat the same school name, vacation, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code… half naked from the waist up, naturally.

Article 125: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.

Article 126: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.

Article 127: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.

Article 128: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violated the wishes of his fiancé and results in a ‘no sex’ penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.

Article 129: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.

Article 130: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as a wingwoman.

Article 131: If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

Article 132: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested “It was okay.”

Article 133: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.

THE PIZZA EQUATION

P=3b/8

p= number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer)

b= number of Bros (including yourself)

Article 134: A Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.

Exception: Unless he doesn’t know the guy.

Article 135: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, ‘Broadway’ begins with “Bro.”

Article 136: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.

Article 137: A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) it’s been longer than a month since his last manicure.

Article 138: A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.

Article 139: When executing a high five, a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro’s hand.

Article 140: It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any accidental spooning by arm wrestling to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided, each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.

Article 141: A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.

Article 142: A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros.

Article 143: If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back.

Exception: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy.

Exception: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.

Exception: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody’s back.

Article 144: A Bro doesn’t listen to chick music…in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.

Article 145: A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.

Article 146: No sex with your Bro’s ex.

AMENDMENTS

AMENDMENT I

A Bro is entitled to have sex with his Bro’s ex if she initiates it, she is really hot, or his Bro is out of town or in a different room.

AMENDMENT II

If a Bro writes and directs a trilogy of awesome space-themed sagas that define a generation’s childhood, he is forbidden from later tarnishing the legacy by crapping out a prequel trilogy that forces Bros to specify ‘Episode 4 to 6’ or ‘the real Trilogy’ when referencing what was once a perfect series of movies, regardless of how anyone feels about Ewoks.

AMENDMENT III

Should a Bro become aware that his Bro has a really hot sister, she is no longer protected under Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. That said, a Bro should reevaluate if the sister kind of resembles his Bro in a wig.

I had to copy this when I saw it...

Honorary Member of the Book of Log.

If you worship the holiness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile... although you may want to change the comments

Position: Log Worshiper

Possible Book of Log Positions:

Log Worshiper: Beginning position. No requirements

Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapters) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story

Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... it’s safer that way): you have created 3 Naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log

OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews

OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.

Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is Konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. C-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. Only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. Even then, it is still recommended.

Log excerpt number 231: if Konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is ineligible from using the log for a period of two months.

Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:

For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.

For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five saplings.

For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten saplings.

For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling per square inch of detached log.

For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant twenty-five saplings.

If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If your case is proven correctly your next replacement will be half off.

'And the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'Tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. The log ist thine ally, and mine kin. Calling upon the log, is to call upon me. To aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy.

And the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. For thine bravery will never be forgotten.'
-book of the log, song of the willow, verses 1-4

'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.'
-book of the log, chronicle of the replacement verse 3

'You are fools! Your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja! - The ninja from the desert declared. And the people shook their heads.
You have been denied the log for a long time, sandwalker. We cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. When the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you.'
-book of the log, redwood journals verses 15-16

'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.'
-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle I, verses 78-82

'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.
-book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9

'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.'
-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle II, verses 59-70

Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.