Profile:

PRIVATE PROPERTY: If you can read this then you are within range.

PRIVATE PARKING: Unauthorized vehicles will be worked over with a sledgehammer, flipped over by an angry mob, set on fire, and spray painted with rude slogans immediately after being used as a getaway car in an incredibly daring daylight robbery.

WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.

Name: Why do you need to know?

Age: Don't you know asking someone's age is rude.

Gender: Does it matter? I could be an it and it wouldn't.

Location: Mars. Apparently you don't have to pay for internet connection up here.

Nationality: Alien

Personality: I am too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful, and too determined to be defeated.

Dream: I dream of a better tomorrow...where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

Advice:

1) Love life.

2) Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Favorite Quote For Now:

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

(From: The Blues Brothers)

Newest favorite quote of the moment:

When there's a will, there's five hundred relatives.

These are some of my favorite sayings and quotes:

Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Life with men is like a deck of cards... You need a Heart to love them, a Diamond to marry them, a Club to beat them, and a Spade to bury the bastards.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Do it today. It might be illegal tomorrow.

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday.

Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating.

Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!

That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic.

You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

I'm not cynical, everything just sucks.

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid.

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Fail with honor rather than succeed by fraud.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

You never know how strong you are...until being strong is the only choice you have.

Love is like the wind. You can't see it, but you can feel it.

Genius by birth. Slacker by choice.

Give me chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil.

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.

You're jealous cuz the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

In the end it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away.

Live for the moments you can't put into words.

No trespassing, violators will be shot and survivors will be shot again.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 17 to smile but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

You just have to live your life not caring what they think and shake off the drama and prove to them that you're better than they think you are.

If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

The evening news always starts off by saying Good Evening and then proceeds to tell you exactly why it isn't.

He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

To be old and wise you must first have to be young and stupid.

Take risks, if you win you will be happy; if you lose you will be wise.

You are only limited by your own fears and inaction.

There are 3 kinds of people, those who make it happen, those who watch it happen and those who don't know what the heck is happening.

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

People are boring, they are only amusing if you push them down a flight of stairs.

I AM NOT CRAZY! My reality is just different than yours.

My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me, he said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door.

I used to have a life but, that was before video games!

Don't look for inspiration. Start working and inspiration will come to you.

I'm the author of my life, and unfortunately I'm writing in pen!

Move on. It's just a chapter in the past. But don't close the book. Just turn the page.

Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it The Present.

When you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine.

Many say I am just one to try. I say I am one less to quit.

Believe in yourself and others will follow.

When life gives you lemons squeeze them in somebody's eyes and RUN!

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Tastes like sugar, looks like sap, OMG it's birdie crap!

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

When life gives you lemons, eat them.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When all else fails blow it up.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Engineering: “How will this work?” Science: “Why will this work?” Management: “When will this work?” Liberal Arts: “Do you want fries with that?”

Education is the period during which you are being instructed by somebody you do not know, about something you do not want to know.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.

If you are reading this then step 1 of my EVIL PLAN is complete.

When life gives you lemons, think of another 'when life gives you lemons' quote.

Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.

It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

I shoot every third salesmen that comes to my house, the second just left.

I shoot every third flamer that comes to my profile, the second just left.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.

I'm perfectly sane, it's the world that's crazy.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and its gone.

I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look to astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

We live in an age where the pizza delivery will reach your house before the police.

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra.

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

I will temporarily rule the world, forever.

Silence is golden, duck-tape is silver-

Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door...

He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own.

He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Are you always in mortal danger, or just when I'm passing through?

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Vegetarian: Indian word for 'lousy hunter'.

Some people are like slinkies. The seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

If a species is to triumph and prevail, the female of the species must be more deadly than the male.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

You can't fall off the floor, but you can always pick yourself back up.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

If you mess with anything long enough, it'll break.

Push something hard enough and it will fall.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes!

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity (It's true I tell you!)

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door...

Who says beggars can’t be choosers, I could have just robbed you.

Whoever came up with ‘Sticks and stones...’ obviously didn’t take into account the viciousness of today’s youth.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Don't fall for someone unless they are willing to catch you.

Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will come after you.

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose.

It's a beautiful day. Now watch some idiot screw it up.

Revenge is a dish best served by eating your enemies and their delicious memories.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20 don't care and the other 80 are glad you have them.

Nobody is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

Sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying.

Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.

If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off...

If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.

You know people, the more meaningless something is, the more meanings they interpret.

Defeat the defeat before the defeat defeats you.

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.

If a turtle loses his shell is he naked? Or homeless?

When the world says, "Give up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

The only thing to live for is today.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, its what you are expected to give; which is everything.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

There are four things you cannot recover in life: The stone after it is thrown, the word after it is said, the occasion after it is missed, and time after it is gone.

Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry.

Be strong now because things will get better; it might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

There is no road for happiness...Happiness is the road.

Don't be afraid to move forward.

Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow.

Who ever said the pen is mightier then the sword, has never seen an automatic weapon.

I've built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over.

Living your life is more important than making a living.

Stress - The confusion created when the mind overrides the bodies desire to the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

I don't need to "get a life." I'm a gamer, I have lots of lives.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Be optimistic... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!

It's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

I used up all of my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED: Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Firefighter says: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well... basically... your house burned even faster.

You should be kissed and often and by someone who knows how.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, "Oh Crap, She's up!"

Your life is yours alone. Rise up and live it.

They wanted war; I intend to jam their wish down their throats and see them choke to death on it.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Welcome to my world. Now go home.

It's not my fault. Remember, I live in a world of bad examples.

Quiet your mind. No problem can be solved by a drunken monkey.

I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.

Duck tape is like the force, it has a light side, a dark side and it holds the world together.

Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

If I could control my anger I would destroy you with it.

You can't spell Slaughter without Laughter.

One by one the penguins steal my sanity.

Those who think happiness is a ray of sunlight shining through the clouds have clearly never danced in the rain.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're ugly.

Imagine what I could do if I had all my brain cells.

Heart attacks. God's revenge for eating all his little animal friends.

Never get in an argument with a schizophrenic and say, “Who do you think you are?!”

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep – not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.

I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.

From now on, ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

The only imaginative fiction being written today is income taxes.

Cheese: milk's leap towards immortality.

Drunk drivers are dangerous, but so are drunk backseat drivers if they're persuasive.

I always knew my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.

Girls can do any a boy can do, and in high heels.

Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably... And never regret anything that made you smile.

When there's a will, there's five hundred relatives.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

Love will find a way.

Smile every minute of the day. You never know who is falling in love with it.

Questions worth asking:

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?

If the opposite of pro is con, then, what's the opposite of progress?

If #2 pencils are so popular why are they still #2?

When the "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business, did they see it coming?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

If the sky is the limit, then is space over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Is "Cute as a button" supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think Ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"??

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

If two wrongs don't make a right, why do two negatives make a positive?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Isn't it interesting how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win and winners never quit how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

After eating do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If olive oil comes from olives where does baby oil come from?

Why is it that when transporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?

If you fall for this please put it in your profile, I fell for it too:

You know you live in 2010 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screenname, my space, or facebook.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

Hey you.

Yeah, you.

No, not you...

The other guy.

You right there!

Yes, you.

Do you like tacos?

The more you learn,

the more you know,

the more you know,

the more you forget,

the more you forget,

the less you know,

So...why learn?

Study = Not Fail
Not Study = Fail
Study + Not Study = Fail + Not Fail
Factor out Study on the left and Fail on the right to get: Study (1 + Not) = Fail (1 + Not)
Divide both sides by (1 + Not)
Study = Fail

Idiotic Labels:

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of
Chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how??)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought...??)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head
colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
(And I am taking this...because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)

On packet of Nobbys'
Peanuts:-
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions:
"Put on fork and eat."
(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!)

╔═╦╦══╦══╦╗╔╦══╦══╗╔╗
║║║║╔╗║╔╗║║║╠╗╔╣╔╗║║║Put this on your
║║║║╚╝║╚╝╣║║║║║║║║║╚╝page if you love
║║║║╔╗║╔╗║╚╝║║║║╚╝║╔╗Naruto!
╚╩═╩╝╚╩╝╚╩══╝╚╝╚══╝╚╝

Sephiroth’s 9 rules:

Life is not fair. So play dirty.

When the men in white coats come calling for you – and they will, I've no doubt of that – don't call the place they're taking you to the land of magic white straitjackets. It only makes them drive faster.

Pillage before you burn.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never tell the truth to those who are unworthy. That's everybody.

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

(I got these from Silver Pard’s story: Why Waist Length? Go read it if you're a FFVII fan.)

The Top Eleven Things Everyone Should Know About Twilight:

1. Werewolves are only immortal as long as they want to be. Yeah. Kind of strange. Apparently it has to do with how often they choose to become wolves. Of course, these are quite strange werewolves who don’t follow the moon.

2. Vampires sparkle in the sun. Really. And no one ever laughs at them when they do this. Then again, they only ever show this to lovestruck teenage girls.

3. In a werewolf/vampire/human threesome, the human has to be in the middle so the freezing vampire and burning werewolf balance each other out. Or something like that.

4. It is not at all creepy to make an unborn baby your soulmate nor is it creepy to raise your soulmate from infancy as its father/brother and then become its lover.

5. Author Stephanie Meyer is apparently a big supporter of the rights of demon babies.

6. Wanting to literally eat your girlfriend is romantic, not deeply disturbing.

7. Jeopardizing a fragile treaty between two very dangerous, deadly groups because you can’t control your hormones is endearing, not painfully stupid.

8. When you’re friends with vampires and werewolves, you no longer are required to care about your human friends and family.

9. . When a guy you have been dating for a few months abruptly leaves and never plans on coming back and you take to cliff diving to hear his voice, you are in no way crazy nor should you look into therapy.

10. You should never, ever let Bella and Edward name anything. Ever.

11. TELLING a group of vampires that want to kill your baby that she is half human will do nothing. Finding someone who claims that they are half-human solves everything. They’ll even kill that vampire that’s out to get you for you.

ONLY IN AMERICA:

1. Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

Read these stories. Look below.

10th grade As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! I wish I did too... I thought to my self, and I cried. copy and paste this in your profile if you think you should take chances.

AND

Love vs. Sex

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God? Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly believe in God.

PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what...and if you stand up for him he will stand up for you. I bet 2/3s of you people that read this won't repost.

AND

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. ~unknown psycho

I must ask though, where oh where would we find the room to stick a buttered cat monorail?

Life Lessons

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Differences Between Men and Women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go
out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20,
even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the
girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be
able to identify most of these items.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

The Game: Once you hear (or read) the rules of the game, you are playing the game.
Once you start playing the game, you are always playing the game.
You cannot win the game. You can only lose. NO exceptions.
The way you lose the game is by thinking of the game. When you lose the game, you must tell everyone around you that you lost the game. You are allowed to think of the game for 30 minutes without losing the game. After 30 minutes you start playing the game again.
The goal of the game is to get everybody playing it.
Start playing.
For tips on playing the game, click there. -- http:///

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that, paste it in your profile:D

eliforp ruoy otno siht etsap dna ypoc siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fi

Flame Song:

If you wish to flame me,
For no good reason at all,
You couldn't help but blame me,
If you "accidentally" fall.
For if you say it's too short,
And write a letter of complaint,
I'm afraid I'll have to retort,
Without a bit of restraint.
And if you say it came late,
And bug me about the next chapter,
You will (on a later date),
Be run over by me on a tractor.
Should you happen to think,
My grammar is askew,
I'll have to tell you without a blink,
"Hey buddy- (insert 4 letter curse word here) you!"
So if you wish to flame me,
And call me all sorts of names,
I'm afraid you'd have to blame me,
If you find your house in flames.

If you really want to know my favorite stories than don't go below. Instead check out my community: All-powerful Amazing fanfics

Also, The White City has been removed. I don't plan on posting it again but if someone sends me a PM because they want me to then I might.

My stories...

Lullaby-I wrote this because I wondered how much trouble Gaara had to go through when he could finally sleep. Then I remembered how much I hate alarm clocks and I thought Gaara would agree with me. Naruto fic. Oneshot.

The Real Reason that Itachi killed his Clan-My sister asked me to write this. Totally her idea. Naruto fic. Oneshot.

Rebel-My thoughts on who Rebel is...and apparently I was right! Spoilers! Heroes fic. Oneshot.

The Japanese Ministry-I've read too many of these and it got me thinking... In progress. Chapter 9: 25 percent done. I'm finally working on it again...sorta

Seating Arrangement-Don't know what I was thinking, but I'm pretty sure this was my sister's fault. Random stuff. Naruto fic. Chap 4 up and this story is probably complete.

Twisted Lives-More random stuff. Go read it...Complete for now (translation: forever unless I become rich and don't have to work anymore or get As in school without studying...even then it probably wouldn't happen).

Animal-OC. +Anima fic. Oneshot, but I might continue it if I get the chance. When school finally gets out I'll write another chapter (translation: when school gets out is after finishing high school, pre-med, medical school, and all other types of school).

Worst Sin-Which is the worst sin? FMA fic Oneshot.

Speech or Survival-First Noishe fic ever in the history of TOS fanfiction! I love Noishe!! Oneshot.

Anyone who took the time to read my whole profile...THANK YOU!

I'm Serenity Reigns on fictionpress.com, , and as well. Basically...if you see a Serenity Reigns chances are it's me.