A/N: A rather long humor oneshot that demanded to be written. A hybrid of all those satisfying rants about things we fafic writers and readers love to hate, a parody of the aforesaid rants, and making fun of the Empire. Inspired by the recent discussion on the L/V Writers Board and Mathematica's "A Letter From The Force."

The numbers in double parentheses and italics (ex: (1)) correspond to footnotes you'll find at the end of the story.

A great many thanks to Mathematica for giving me the idea for the story, doing me the honor of taking a look at the rough draft, suggesting some more hilarity, and sympathizing with my efforts to learn the Hebrew alphabet. :)

IMPERIAL MINISTRY OF COMMUNICATION EDICT NO. 1138

REGARDING "FAN FICTION" AND THE PROPER EXERCISE THEREOF

Attention, loyal citizens of the Empire!

This being the twenty-first year since the establishment of the glorious New Order by His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine (May He Live Forever Etc.), it is more imperative than ever before that the Imperial Ministry of Communication continues with ever-increasing zeal to improve the quality, defend the uniformity, and eradicate the flaws of all galactic venues of communication. While our generation has already enjoyed the fruit of the Ministry's efforts to synchronize galactic newscasts, systemize the use of the Holonet, and root out all forms of destructive, deceitful, and fraudulent dissension in private and public media outlets, the growing scourge of the so-called "Rebel Alliance" necessitates yet further measures to preserve the standardized galactic media that Imperial citizens enjoy.

In particular, the Ministry finds it necessary to address the problems presented bythe growing phenomenon called "fan fiction," involving the writing and publishing of free, publicly accessible literature by private individuals elaborating upon the lives and characters of noted citizens, infamous criminals, and fictional characters.

While the Ministry appreciates the potential of "fan fiction" as an art form, it cannot be denied that many amateur authors pervert this potential to subversive, disloyal, or generally unsavory uses. It is even suspected that the Rebels, in their vile efforts to overthrow the New Order, have initiated a broad propaganda campaign through this medium, using seemingly innocent entertainment to brainwash unsuspecting readers.

Therefore, the Ministry has seen fit to publish this edict in order to elucidate certain guidelines that will be expected of loyal citizens when writing "fan fiction." Topics of interest include Technical Standards of Writing, Acceptable Topics, Artistic Quality Expectations, and Appropriate Behavior in Fan Fiction Forums.

It will be your duty as a loyal citizen of the Empire to carefully read, understand and strictly adhere to the following guidelines. Your cooperation will benefit the Empire, discourage the Rebel movements, and probably keep you out of prison, assuming naturally that you also abide by all other Imperial laws and do nothing to annoy a senior ranking Imperial official. (1)

TECHNICAL STANDARDS OF WRITING

1) All fan fiction published on the Holonet will be written in a language and alphabetthat has been approved by the Imperial Ministry of Sentient Speech (2). Appropriate rules of grammar, syntax, and spelling will be observed. Under no circumstances will it be excusable for any being of any age to print such a sentence as: "The admiral and me went to the party we had a good time." The correct statement would read: "The Admiral and I went to an Imperially-approved social gathering. We had an enjoyable time." (3)

2) Respect will be demonstrated to each character of a fan fiction story through the appropriate spelling of his/her/its name.

The following misspellings of His Imperial Majesty's esteemed name may result in heavyfines and/or forced labor in the spice mines of Kessel:

--Plapatine,

--Paplatine,

--Palputeen,

--Palpies.

Citizens are further reminded that any use of His Imperial Majesty's name must be accompanied by his proper title: "His Imperial Majesty the Emperor (May He Live Forever Etc.)," and each time thereafter "His Imperial Majesty." (4)

3) It is an offense punishable by strangulation to refer to Lord Darth Vader by any other name or abbreviation of the aforementioned title, including but not limited to "Anikan," "Darth," and "Vador."

4) All fan fiction shall be properly formatted for optimum readability. There shall be no excuse for:

--three-thousand-word paragraphs,

--failure to properly separate lines of dialogue,

--lack of quotation marks or commas,

--excessively centered text,

--lack of one separating blank line between paragraphs,

--use of all-bold or all-italicized font,

--failure to capitalize proper nouns,

--dialogue written in ALL CAPS

--any other conceivable flaw.

5) The titles of all fan fiction shall be published with all words capitalized, with the exceptions of conjunctions and articles such as: and, the, from, etc. Under no circumstances is it permissible to ignore capitalization.

6) On the other hand, no titles shall be written in ALL CAPS.

7) It is unacceptable to misspell any word in the title, even if that word is "Tatooine."

8) Speaking of Tatooine, all planets and systems shall be referred to by their official (and properly spelled) names. Reference to Imperial Center by its prior name, "Coruscant," is permissible only in fan fiction set in the era of the corrupt anddecadent Republic, and only when the word "Coruscant" is correctly spelled. Those who commit such perversions as "Curosaunt" and "Coroscant" may be subject to compulsory remedial education at an Imperially-approved facility as per the Imperial Literacy Edict.

9) By no stretch of the imagination shall it be permissible to misspell one's chosen penname. All pennames shall conform to Imperial values and convey respect for Imperial institutions, regulations and officials.

10) No penname shall be permitted that:

--Contains more than three numerals (ex: skywalker23456)

--Treats multiple words as one word (ex: ilovewilhufftarkin)

--Says nothing discernible (ex: hhj990lk!)

--Lacks creativity (ex: John)

--Is excessively creative (ex: ScReAmbloodGOREstarlover)

--Is pointlessly large (ex: LordVaderWentToKashyykAndSawWhatThereWasToSee)

--Is ridiculously short (ex: me)

--Contains inappropriate or subversive sentiments (ex: HawtGirlJedi)

ACCEPTABLE TOPICS

1) Any fan fiction involving His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine (May He Live Forever Etc.) must evince a degree of respect appropriate to a being of his exalted rank.

--No fan fiction shall be tolerated that exhibits His Imperial Majesty in a pernicious, subversive, unjustor irreverent manner.

--There shall be no fan fiction speculating on the family, friends, or other intimate personal relationships, past or present, of His Imperial Majesty.

--No fan fiction shall contain any form of criticism of His Imperial Majesty's policies or prior political service.

--There shall be no fan fiction envisioning an "alternate universe" wherein His Imperial Majesty did not successfully replace the corrupt and decadent Republic with a great and glorious Galactic Empire, the culmination of sentient civilization, or is otherwise maligned.

--There most certainly shall be no fan fiction detailing lurid romantic interludes between His Imperial Majesty and any other being living or dead.

--In no way shall His Imperial Majesty be pictured as anything other than the authoritative but benevolent being that he is. Portraying His Imperial Majesty as a Dark Lord of the Sith or a Jedi Knight is punishable by death. (5)

--No derogatory comments shall be made regarding His Imperial Majesty's personal appearance or physical attributes, however technically true. Likewise, discussing His Imperial Majesty's age is never acceptable.

2) No fan fiction stories shall be written that speculate upon the prior history of Lord Darth Vader, upon pain of strangulation.

3) Neither shall there be any fan fiction suggesting possible biological or romantic relationships between Lord Darth Vader and any other being. Citizens are advised to remember the sad case of well-known fan fiction author Darth Black Sun, who did not live to regret his suggestion in the story "The Falleen and the Sith" that Lord Vader and Prince Xizor were incestuous fraternal twins. (6)

4) For highly classified reasons, no fan fiction shall be permitted to feature the late Senator Padmé Amidala, or any of her relatives, colleagues or close friends. Citizens may disregard this injunction at their own mortal peril.

5) No fan fiction stories shall be written that positively portray a known criminal. There has been a lamentable profusion of stories sympathetically portraying the destructive antics of such villainous, murderous, thieving fiends as Mon Mothma, Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, and the members of the subversive guerrilla starfighter group "Rogue Squadron." All such stories will result in summary execution. (7)

6) There shall equally be no stories containing any positive treatment of the traitorous Jedi Knights, with the exception of the late and lamented Clone Wars hero Anakin Skywalker. (8)

7) In no story shall the Rebels get the better of the Imperial Armed Forces. Such stories would be classified as surrealistic, and as our citizens know all surrealistic art was banned by the Imperial Ministry of Fine Arts Edict No. 451.

8) Likewise, no story portraying ideals or notions supported by the self-proclaimed Rebel Alliance shall be permitted, as the mere mention of such subversive and destructive philosophies shows blatant sympathy for the dangerous, violent miscreants that imperil the peace provided by our grand and glorious Empire.

9) There shall be no glorification of lawlessness in any form. Neither shall there be any denigration of current Imperial systems of government.

10) Praise of the weak leaders of the decadent Republic is also forbidden, with the exception of those stories focusing upon the former Supreme Chancellor, His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine (May He Live Forever Etc.).

11) There shall be no fan fiction suggesting that the Imperial Planetary Ore Extractor was intended or used for anything other than industrial purposes. (9)

12) Any criticism of the Navy budget, including expenses such as Imperial Planetary Ore Extractors, Super Star Destroyers, and admiral replacement programs will not be tolerated. Neither shall there be any scurrilous suggestions that any member of the Navy has ever violated any standards of sentient rights, including but not limited to any form of massacre, torture, or disproportionate use of force. (10)

ARTISTIC QUALITY EXPECTATIONS

1) All fan fiction shall be expected to contain some discernible plot. The standard Imperially-approved plot includes these three elements:

--a beginning;

--a middle;

--and an end.

These guidelines clearly prohibit the production of any and all "smutfic" or "PWP." (11)

2) All fan fiction shall be expected to contain some effort at originality.

3) There shall be an end of "self-insertion." We at the Ministry can guarantee you that nobody in the galaxy is at all interested in reading any self-flattering fantasies wherein the author, like as not a hormonal fourteen-year-old female Twi'lek, finds herself cavorting outlandishly with an accomplished Naval starfighter pilot such as Baron Soontir Fel.

4) There shall also be an end of the abominable "Mary Sue." These characters, whether invented or a twisted form of an actual being, are recognizable by the following features:

--A long, fantastical series of names (ex. Revania Dantillia Proserpina Aexenia Martinnia Maryana);

--exotically colored, perpetually shimmering, infallibly clean, hip-length hair;

--eyes possessing a hue that does not naturally occur in the human species and/or change color according to the mood of the Sue in question;

--an estimated height of six feet two inches in conjunction with a body weight of ninety pounds or less;

--a Size Triple-D chest in conjunction with a Size Zero waist;

--impeccable muscle tone;

--a tragic past involving sexually abusive brothers, jealous sisters, possessive stepfathers, and/or mothers who died at birth;

--a sudden, steamy, explicit romance with a male main character, particularly if that character was previously involved with another female;

--a midi-chlorian count of sixty thousand or higher (be advised that the creator of any Sue exhibiting Jedi characteristics shall be detained and executed under the provisions of Imperial Decree No. 3, the Act Against the Aiding and Abetting of Jedi, in accordance with Imperial Order 66);

--the ability to pilot any vehicle better than any other known being, especially Lord Darth Vader;

--peerless skill in all conceivable forms of combat;

--total absence of discernible personality flaws; etc.

The Imperial Intelligence Agency believes that these abominable Mary Sues are in fact an invention of the dissident Rebels. Remember, citizens, only the Emperor is perfect!

3) No figure in any story shall be excessively Out Of Character, as determined by the personality descriptions available in the Imperial Intelligence Agency Citizen Profile Database.

4) Speaking of "Out Of Character," all fan fiction claiming to be humorous shall, in fact, be humorous. No allegedly humorous fan fiction shall be composed while the author is under the influence of:

--Alcohol;

--Glitterstim;

--Death sticks;

--Other forms of spice;

--Excessive sugar or your species' equivalent;

--Puberty.

In addition, all "humorous" fan fiction that consists entirely of private jokes involving original characters is hereby banned.

5) All original characters shall conform to Imperial standards of modelcitizenship, or shall experience the appropriate consequences.

6) It is henceforth a criminal misdemeanor to include in a story summary any variation on the following sentences:

--"I suck at summaries. Just read it."

--"Story is better than the summary!"

--"Detailed summary inside."

--"pls r&r!"

7) All story summaries shall be coherent and complete. Authors shall write summaries that fit completely into the allotted space. All summaries must give a reasonable idea of what to expect from the story. Randomly selected snippets of dialogue between two unidentified characters shall not be permitted in any summary.

8) The so-called "songfic" is hereby outlawed, due to fears that there will soon be, if indeed there are not already, gushingly sentimental over-worded prose pieces structured around the lyrics of songs by Miley Cyrus or, the Emperor forbid, the Jonas Brothers.

9) All poems shall be beta-read by no fewer than twelve Imperially-approved poets before being declared fit for galactic consumption.

10) Any fan fiction involving a deus ex machina will be removed from the Holonet promptly. Any citizen not knowing what a deus ex machina is will also be removed from the Holonet promptly.

11) No adjective may be used twice in one paragraph without excellent reason. Neither shall there be excessive use of the word "like." (12)

12) There shall be no use of coarse or untoward language. The phrases "Emperor's black bones," "Sithspit," and "Sithspawn" are, as always, strictly forbidden. (13)

APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR IN FAN FICTION FORUMS

1) There shall be no "flaming," that term being defined as excessively derogatory and generally impolite comments made on the work of another, unless of course the work in question violates any of the guidelines listed within this edict. Such crass behavior ill befits citizens of the most enlightened government the galaxy has ever known and will invariably result in mandatory etiquette training from an Imperially-registered protocol droid.

2) It shall at all times be impermissible for an author to require that a certain number of reviews be received before continuing a story. Authors who do so will be considered guilty of holding virtual hostages and prosecuted accordingly, with potential sentences of one to fifty years in an Imperial detention facility.

3) No story shall be abandoned at the point of a "cliffhanger." This is considered virtual hostage-taking. See previous stipulation.

4) There shall be no plagiarism. All direct sources must be credited.

5) All sources must be Imperially-approved. No material may be consulted that has been decreed unacceptable by the Imperial Censorship Board.

6) Author's notes shall not be inserted in the middle of a story. Writers who do so will find themselves taking court-ordered composition lessons from an Imperially-approved teacher of that language.

7) It has come to the Ministry's attention that certain authors – most notably those with a mental age of eight standard years or below – create virtual people to aid them in their writing. These are known as Muses. Author's notes that consist of the author having conversations with the aforementioned Muses and that contain no matter of interest to the reader are considered signs of developing schizophrenia and are hereby deemed unacceptable.

8) Review boards may not be used to promote one's own work.

9) Review boards may not be used to promote a product, particularly if that product is not Imperially-certified.

10) Review boards may be used by Imperial law enforcement officers as a mechanism for identifying possible traitors and/or criminals. (14)

11) It is not permissible for a chapter to consist merely of review replies or author's notes. In addition, it is simply unacceptable for author's notes to be longer than the chapter that they are theoretically contained in.

12) And speaking of reviews, it is considered courteous to reply to all reviews as feasible through the Review Reply mechanism.

CONCLUSION

While far from comprehensive, the preceding guidelines should suffice to improve the general quality and political loyalty of the fan fiction phenomenon, assist citizens in determining which stories meet with Imperial approval, and enable Imperial officials to effectively prosecute and appropriately discipline those who do not comply. Additional copies may be obtained by calling your sector's Imperial Ministry of Communication Headquarters Office.

As always, citizens should report any violations of this edict on the Imperial Promotion of Political Uniformity Holocom Hotline: 1-800-IMPLOVE. All reports will be investigated within 5-10 business years on average. Urgent cases should be reported to the nearest Imperial Intelligence Agency office or a convenient stormtrooper. Bounty hunters are reminded that, while the Empire appreciates the capture of anyone involved in illegal activities, rewards will only be paid for the capture of beings on the Imperial Detainment List.

FOOTNOTES

(1) See Imperial Ministry Of Political Conformity Edict Nos. 1—9, 087, 152, accessible at your local Imperially-approved library. Also see The Art of Bootlicking: A Practical Guide to Currying Favor by Admiral Kendal Ozzel.

(2) For the full list, containing all 3,719.5 languages and 2,099.7 alphabets, please submit a Holonet-order request to your local Imperial Ministry of Sentient Speech office.

(3) Beings unaware of these rules are directed to the Imperial Ministry of Education's Department for Uneducated and Mystified Beings (IME-DUMB).

(4) For more extensive guidelines on the appropriate usage of His Imperial Majesty's titles, please see The Idiot's Guide to Court Etiquette, 312th Edition, by K. Ort Jester.

(5) This, of course, is untrue.

(6) Citizens are reminded that the family or chief inheritor of the guilty party will be charged 50 credits to cover standard execution expenses. Payments will be due within one month of the execution date. Failure to pay will result in additional executions.

(7) Due to the fact that the Imperial Court System is running at twice its full caseload capacity, offenses will be evaluated by the first available Imperial officer. Those estimated to be "50 Percent Guilty" or more will be shot within three business days. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you or your loved ones.

(8) WARNING: JEDI ARE CLASSIFIED AS A GRADE 1A SOCIAL HAZARD. If you or someone you know encounters a Jedi, do not attempt to catch it! Report it immediately to your nearest law enforcement office, and an approved Jedi-catching specialist will be dispatched.

(9) For a historically accurate account of the twin tragedies involving Alderaan and the Imperial Planetary Ore Extractor, the Ministry recommends Vaygo Deli's excellent book The Genocidal Anarchists: Why the Rebels Destroyed Alderaan.

(10) Citizens are reminded that the civil and humanitarian rights of convicted or self-avowed traitors are forfeited. See Imperial Ministry of Political Conformity Edict No. 3, 009, 767.

(11) Smutfic: a fan fiction devoid of plot, focusing primarily upon detailing sexual encounters in disgustingly lurid and often physically impossible detail. Frequently identical with PWP: an abbreviation of the literary term "Porn Without Plot" or "Plot? What Plot?" To ensure that your fan fiction does not fall into either of the aforementioned categories, see the pamphlet published by the Imperial Ministry of Literary Evaluation, "Lust is of the Dark Side," containing several examples of PWP.

(12) As noted by the Ministry of Education pamphlets, "like" has no grammatical function except as a preposition.

(13) For a complete list of words deemed unacceptable for use by Imperial citizens, please pick up a pamphlet from your local Imperial Censorship Board office.

(14) Warrants not required.