I, siriusbarks/seriousblahblah, solemnly swear that Timothee Chalamet should play marauder era Sirius Black and JK Rowling should be forced to write a Marauder Era book. Note: none of my stories are abandoned, even ones that haven't been updated for years. I will eventually complete all of them. Thank you for reading and as always I love feedback, please review. Also if you are thinking of getting a dog or cat, please adopt from a shelter, they are better pets and you save a life too! Boycott the puppy mills, they turn life's into profit for sheer greed!

Author Bio: I love Sirius. I love humour. That is what my stories are mostly about, although other characters have a habit of also kidnapping my brain and forcing me to write non-Sirius stories too. Always expect crazy plots and non-PC topics from me. Also I'm so done with living an Anglophone life. I long to get back to my roots. I want to reconnect with my french side and move back to Quebec.

Currently regularly updating: Playing Doctor, Pretty Parseltongue Woman (Harry/Nagini), Blue Raincoat (Bill/Hermione), Sirius in Hell (Sirius/oc with some hermione arguing), I'm the Bad Guy (antomione), The Blind Date from Hell (Lumione), Father-in-law Issues (lucius malfoy) and Genie in a Bottle (Tom Riddle/hermione crackfic). I will not be updating any of my other stories this month except those listed above, thank you.

~0~

Newest stories (cheerful ones only since 2020 has been a shitty year!):

Reversing Time, Recapturing You Sirius/Hermione cute little oneshot but might expand to multichap if there's interest once I complete the above listed stories.

I'm the Bad Guy, Duh The Antonin/Hermione potboiler that I never expected to write. It will make you reassess all your prior expectations of Mr. Dolohov and laugh yourself silly. Antonin literally kidnapped my brain and forced me to write this novel in three nights straight, without much sleep. Thanks Dolohov! *Prewritten so it is complete but I will post chapters weekly as I edit them.*

The Blind Date from Hell Hermione keeps taking Lucius Malfoy to court. The older wizard seems oddly complacent and doesn't seem to mind showing up. Though they never do have any evidence against him. So he always walks off a free man. Or is? Is he enslaved by a new obsession? "You're guilty of about 10,000 war crimes," Hermione snarled. "How is it you always walk free?" Lucius grinned, "Watch me (nay nay)!" Lumione humour. *Prewritten so it is complete but I will post chapters weekly as I edit them.*

Genie in a Bottle Tom/Hermione crackfic where it is Hermione, not Ginny, who is given the bossy diary of the cunning Tom Riddle Jr. Except she is not as naive or easy controlled as Ginny, so much of his plans for world domination go awry...also Draco develops an unhealthy attachment to the diary. Very very silly.

Playing Doctor Take trouble and make it double. When Dr. Hermione J. Granger has to give up her healer's practice and go into quarantine after a bad bout of magical dragon flu has gone around...she doesn't go into quarantine alone. Two redhead Weasley twins are eager to help her and also, well, they might've been the ones responsible for giving her the flu in the first place. Hermione/twins comedy.

also working on completing the last chapters of:

Blue Raincoat "She said 'please'." "But you should've stayed away." "I couldn't. I couldn't have even planned for this to happen." He saw her in her famous blue raincoat and the shoulder was torn. Bill/Hermione. Affair. Illicit. Angst.

~O~

My non-Hermione stories:

Sirius/OC comedy: The 5 People Sirius Takes to Hell is a crazy as hell rewrite of my original shorter version which was just about revenge. This time around I give the full scoop of why Sirius decided to sell his soul and why that may not be so easy with some...angelic temptations trying to lure him back to the bright side. But will Sirius choose revenge on his enemies over the chance to go to heaven? Read to find out! Sirius/OC romcom dark comedy.

Harry/Nagini comedy: Pretty Parseltongue Woman: Pet project of mine that is very loosely based on a My Fair Lady/Pretty Woman swan theme...though I warn you it's partially a crackfic. This story was actually written before Fantastic Beasts 2 came out and confirmed my suspicions that Nagini was human. Until then, I was the crazy person writing a Harry/Nagini romance when everyone thought she was just a snake. Though I will work in the new canon to my plot!

Luna/Harry: Burning Down Privet Drive *complete* story about healing from PTSD abusive childhood

Snape story: The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven*complete* [Companion reversal piece: Sirius comedy The 5 People Sirius Takes to Hell]

Founders era: The Elements *complete*

~o~

Hermione as the main character stories:

James: Don't Overthink Things *complete*; companion piece Fear of Heights *complete*

Sirius/Hermione: Well Worth the trouble *complete*; While Your Lips are Still Red *complete as one shot but with additional chapters*

Snape: Tall Dark Brooding and a complete prat*(snape/Hermione, current hiatus)

Regulus: Regulus Black & the Magic Mirror*complete but missing epilogue*

Neville Longbottom: The Remembrall *complete, Rain Down Under *complete*

Lumione: Gentlemen Prefer Brunettes*romcom*; Father-in-Law Issues *angst, wip*

Theodore Nott: Pumpkin Latte (being rewritten/hiatus)

Dramione: Draco's Kitty (WIP, hiatus), Blind Rage *complete*, Death Eater Dancers *complete*

Silly Sirius: Bookworm & the Azkaban Escapee (hiatus) and --All I Want For Christmas these actually used to be part of one big messy novel in Oct 2014 (that was a mess because it mixed dark sirius with super happy light sirius), before it split into three novels including Black Family Rose and Bookworm. Also Sirius is very retarded and dangerous in MetamorphmagiHaveMoreFun (hiatus). Don't Ever Have Kids *complete*

On hiatus: Black Family Rose (hiatus) and Mend a Broken Heart, a Sky full of Stars (hiatus)

Xeno Lovegood: Lovestoned (WIP, Xeno/Sirius/Hermione crackfic, HIATUS), Xeno/Pandora *complete*

Ronmione: A Knight with Freckles *complete* ~ A-Tiny-Ball-of-Light *complete* ~ Various Ronmione comedies *complete*

Tom Riddle: The Tom Riddle Who Stole Christmas (Hiatus, rom com); Genie in a Bottle (crackfic fun story)

~ Sid Vicious ~ Sirius ~ Sirius sings~ hilarious mcgonagall/sirius video

"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things...Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall...We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out." -Ray Bradbury

"If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were." -Legally Blonde

"You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from." -Cormac McCarthy

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." -Buddha

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." -Sirius Black

If you love Sirius Black, adopt a dog/cat from a shelter and save an innocent soul from an early death and wrongful imprisonment!

My Top 7 fav characters:

1. Sirius. Because he's the HP character who suffered the absolute most yet never gave up and still maintained his sense of humour.

2. Regulus. Because he was classy and noble yet flawed because he'd been brainwashed into a political agenda to hate others.

3. James. Because he wasn't afraid to die. Or fight Death Eaters with a bang and smile.

4. Snape. Because he's amusingly snarky and grumpy. And pampered like grumpy cat. Also very hot.

5. Hermione. Because she cared about social justice causes and would be there advocating every possible justice and law change to protect the vulnerable and ostracised in society. And she never let anyone tell her to shut up because they were tired about hearing about SPEW.

6. Draco. Because he wasn't actually a bad person but he made many mistakes, some by choice and some by circumstance, but in the end he suffered and he learned. And he never really had a choice about becoming a Death Eater, but he didn't once complain about it.

7. Luna. Because even though people like Hermione bullied her, she still wasn't afraid to be herself or stop believing in nargles.

and... 8. Ron Weasley. Because he, not Snape, was actually the bravest man Harry ever knew and the most underappreciated character. Because Ron risked his life, at no personal gain, for 7 years in a row to be Harry's friend. Ron faced Voldemort, Death Eaters, dragons, murderous chess pieces, basilisks, spiders, werewolves, dementors, serial killers, dogs with three heads, and other monsters you could only dream of for 7 years just because he was Harry's friend and was willing to risk his life for him. Ron Weasley, bravest boy who ever lived. "Why follow the spiders, why can't it be follow the butterflies?" and yet Ron still walked into the forest full of giant spiders, despite spiders being his biggest fear and boggart.

Sirius Black Lives...in the veil, with me! we moved in together. it's so cozy in that curtain ;)