A/N: This chapter contains some of my earliest writing. 'All I want for christmas' used to be the prequel chapters to my other novel. So it contains lots of the same immature humour that you'll read in my novel Bookworm and the Azkaban Escapee. However, the next chapter will be more serious and emotionally mature. This chapter is mostly Sirius being a hungover idiot and babbling and making a bad impression. We will see Hermione's POV and the reasons behind her behaviour and her thoughts on Sirius's behaviour in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and if you like stupid humour, I've also posted a rather terrible story called "The Tom Riddle Who Stole Christmas" where Tom Riddle's diary (spoilers!) is scanned and uploaded to the internet where he causes more mayhem and Hermione has to stop him by infiltrating his chatroom and then everything goes downhill from there...

Chapter 3: Boxing Day...What a Pile of Humbug!

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During the last few days of their Christmas vacation, Hermione began to spend more and more time in the Black family library, or in her room. While Harry and Ron were intent on making the most of their remaining holidays, Hermione seemed completely focused on getting ready for the new school year. She was the only one–besides Sirius for obvious reasons–who stayed behind on Boxing Day. So she could read.

That had raised a few eyebrows. Including Sirius's.

If Hermione wasn't such an insufferable know-it-all, Sirius might have been impressed to meet a girl who chose reading over shopping. Even the boys, Harry and Ron, decided to get a bit spend-crazy on Quidditch equipment they had been eyeing for awhile at Quality Quidditch Supplies. Sirius himself caved in to the pressure and eventually gave his coin purse to Harry with instructions to pick him up some chocolates and other goodies. Even though Boxing Day began unceremoniously for Sirius and stayed that way for the rest of the accursed day.

It hadn't helped that he'd spent most of the previous night drinking. Of course, it didn't.

Sirius had been in the midst of a nice, deep sleep after a hectic Christmas when they were all awaken at 6am. By Molly Weasley. Who was shouting loudly and knocking on all their doors.

"Merlin's sake, what are you doing here Molly?" Sirius asked groggily after he had been awoken by her loud knocking on his bedroom door.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, Sirius. I didn't know which door was which so I had to knock on all of them! Where are Harry and Ron's rooms?"

Sirius pointed sleepily to their doors at the other end of the hall.

As Molly began to pound on the doors before stepping in and turning the lights on the poor boys, Sirius followed behind her, a bit alarmed and confused by her actions.

"What on earth is going on?!"

"It's Boxing Day, Sirius. Do try to keep up," Molly said matter-of-factly. "My family has already eaten breakfast and is all ready to go but I have to collect these two stragglers before they get left behind."

"Left behind from what?!" Sirius practically shouted, fully frustrated and more than a little pissed off that he had been awaken at 6am from a good, drunken sleep.

"From all the savings and specials, of course. It's a once in a year opportunity to save!"

Sirius thought Molly sounded exactly like a catalog and slapped his forehead. Had the world become upside down?!

Sirius looked mournfully at Harry and Ron as they dutifully stumbled about, only half-awake. One was trying to brush his teeth and get dressed while the other one was trying to stuff as many breakfast sausages in his mouth as possible.

What would become of this generation?!

"Shut up, Sirius," Molly said.

"Did I say that outloud?"

"Yes! And it's not as if our generation did any better! I can remember a particularly bad Order of the Pheonix Christmas party, in case you don't, Sirius!"

Sirius paled. He hoped to god she was not referring to THAT Christmas party. The one where he had gotten so drunk he actually tried to hit on Molly, despite how she was already dating Arthur Weasley at the time. Though truth be told, he was so drunk he might've hit on Dumbledore ('Oh Albus, did anyone tell you how fetching your beard is? It's soooo long.')

"Exactly." Molly smirked.

"That was NOT what you think it was!"

"Oh? Well maybe what you think I thought it was has nothing to do with what I'm actually thinking." Molly smiled in triumph.

Dammit, it was too early in the morning to actually follow any of this.

Sirius changed the topic before it got anymore dangerous, "You know what, Molly, I think I like this Boxing Day thing! Very Christmassy, the materialism is heartwarming...I'm going to get my coin purse!" He ran from the room.

He returned just as Molly, Harry and Ron were pinching Floo-Powder to get to Diagon Alley. He tossed his purse to Harry with instructions on what to get him.

"Harry, be careful," Sirius told him. "It may be the holidays to us but Voldemort doesn't take any holidays, does he?"

Harry nodded solemnly but still looked like he was half asleep.

"Hey, where's Hermione? Did she already floo ahead?" Ron asked, just noticing that only one of his two best friends was beside him.

"No. She doesn't want to come. She says she'd rather read! Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do with that girl!" Molly said disparagingly.

After the boys flooed, Molly was the last to leave. It seemed she purposefully wanted to single him out to make a disparaging comment.

"Sirius, do something about your hangover, you look a wreck."

"Thanks, Molly. Have a safe trip," Sirius said as if she had not just insulted him.

Damn her. Bloody right he was an exhausted wreck with a hangover. No small thanks to being waken at 6am when he had only gone to bed at 3am. Sirius headed straight back to bed and slept until 12.

When he awoke from his slumberfest, Sirius was starved and went straight to the fridge with his mouth salivating. He was looking forward to the maple-syrup roasted sausages he had prepared the other night. To his shock and utter horror, there was not one sausage left.

"WTF?! Buggering mother f**hjhiue8y7yr8778877653$#%$^%&^**&*! Fuck!" A horde of muggle and wizard expletives, that would make a sailor blush, came out of his mouth. He used swear words he would not even use among drinking buddies. Which was why he was shocked when he suddenly heard Hermione's voice behind him.

"Good morning Sirius."

He thought the house was completely empty, but there was Hermione sitting at the kitchen table, looking very prim in a Gryffindor red sweater with a book beside her cup of tea. Looking at him as if he were an animal. It did help that he had gotten out of bed with just his pants and no shirt on.

"Fuck."

Hermione raised her eyebrows, as if waiting for more expletives to leave his mouth.

"I mean, good morning, Hermione." Sirius paused awkwardly and wished he'd dressed properly before getting up. "Didn't realize you were there, forgive me..."

Sirius felt like an ogre without any manners. But then he remembered how stuck up Hermione had been last night about their pranks, Sirius's embarassment turned to anger. What right did she have to act like a second Molly Weasley or Walburga Black in his house? There were already enough bossy naysayers in this house.

"Actually, I'm not sorry."

"Pardon?" Hermione looked shocked. Sirius didn't even know what he meant exactly except to be belligerent and now he immediately regretted it.

"I mean, I am sorry but I have such a-a-headache"–hangover–"that I'm not really sorry right now. Not in this moment."

Hermione scrutinized him again with raised brows. Her cheeks reddening.

Okay, Sirius wished now he hadn't said anything. Because not only did he not make sense but he also sounded like a complete asshole.

"Sirius, are you alright?" she asked quietly. There was genuine concern in her voice. Which only made him feel worse for acting out.

"Yes, Hermione. Thank you for asking. I'm just tired, very, very tired." And drunkenly hungover.

It wasn't technically lying, but it was the truth by ommission. He said "tired" because Sirius didn't want to admit that after everyone else had gone to bed, he and Remus had stayed up drinking firewhiskey, reminiscing of old friends and bygone days. Memory lane sentimental stuff. Very Christmassy.

Sirius coughed uncomfortably.

Hermione, however, was not easily fooled. She was, afterall the brightest witch of her age, as he had told her so once himself.

Hermione frowned and then a little smirk appeared on her features. "Don't worry Sirius, I think I know what's troubling you."

The brunette went to fetch a batch of All-Sorrows-Begone syrup, a commonly known remedy for hangovers as well as headaches and choler. Sirius scrutinized the bottle, which had a label of an angry-looking baby on it. He knew exactly how that baby on the bottle felt.

"Oh, yes I have a headache! Thank you Hermione."

He let her feed him three spoonfuls and thanked her again.

Sirius knew she knew he was actually dealing with a hangover. He also sensed that she knew he knew that she knew he was hungover but both were content to not mention it. There was no fooling Hermione Granger. Afterall, in her third year, she had easily sussed out that Remus was a werewolf. Hermione could likely spot a hangover, thank you very much, whether or not she had ever drunk a drop herself. Sirius climbed up the stairs, wondering why he had felt so angry at Hermione but then had been unable to be express the slightest incivility. Instead, he let her spoon-feed him like a big walloping baby as he apologized repeatedly. What an idiot, he was.

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When Harry and Ron returned from Diagon Alley's Boxing Day bash, Grimmauld Place once again hummed with life and the sounds of inhabitation. Harry and Ron were opening packages of their new quidditch equipment and generally making a ruckus. To their delight, Harry had brought back Sirius a chocolate frog the size of a small horse.

At first, Sirius was hesitant to open the gigantic package but Harry and Ron eagerly cajoled him to do it. They had their wands out ready to catch the frog if it decided to go on a rampage through the house. Sure enough, as soon as it was released, the giant chocolate frog hopped frantically away as if its life depended on it... which it did. (Though chocolate frogs aren't actual living frogs, as that would be cruel.)

The frog knocked down some precious porcelain and left brown skid marks as it hopped throughout Grimmauld Place searching for a pond or exit. Unfortunately, Ron reduced the frog to a giant turd of melted chocolate when he absentmindedly used finite incantem (rather than immobulus). Finite incantem, of course, ended all the spells on the frog, including the spell that made it a frog. What was leftover was the shapeless chocolate.

"Oh yuck, that doesn't look appetizing does it?"

"Looks like a troll took a dump."

"I'll get Kreacher to clean that up...By hand, no magic."

Sirius was a little let down by what had happened to his chocolate frog but he was more than cheered by the prospect of making Kreacher clean up what appeared to be a giant turd. As Ron and Harry went back to the living room, Sirius secretly transfigured the chocolate turd so that it smelt like an actual turd. Then he called Kreacher.

Sirius had a grin on his face as Kreacher strolled in at a slow pace, the house-elf was muttering his usual insults under his breath.

"Kreacher, clean this up. No magic. It's cursed and very dangerous!"

He transfigured a tiny plastic shovel and bucket, like the kind that muggle parents gave to their kids to play with sand on the beach.

"Here, use this." He gave the house-elf the plastic shovel.

Sirius left the hallway with a smile on his face. He just hoped Hermione did not walk through there in the next hour. No doubt she would spoil the fun as always and accuse him of cruelty while flashing her SPEW badge. Perhaps he had better make sure she wasn't coming downstairs. After his embarrassing behaviour this morning, he did not want a repeat.

With renewed energy, he sped up the staircase to the third floor.

He knew exactly where he could find her. Sure enough, Hermione was in the library snuggled against the windowseat that looked down on the frozen garden below. The windowseat in the library had also been his favourite spot when he was a boy. No one would have guessed by his behaviour at Hogwarts, where he had been too busy with pranks and general mischief to ever visit the library, but reading had always been his favourite pasttime. It was one of few escapes he had while he still living with his parents. Hermione was so deeply absorbed by her book that it was unlikely she would move for hours but to be sure... Sirius placed anti-disturbance, muffliato and anti-olfactory spells on the library. Luckily, with her nose stuck in a book, Hermione did not appear to notice anything.

"Sirius! Come down here!" Harry and Ron's voices called out.

Sirius went racing back downstairs. As he passed by the mainfloor hallway, he was surprised by how far Kreacher had progressed with just the tiny shovel and bucket. "You're quite industrious!" he couldn't help complimenting the house-elf. Kreacher mumbled something angrily under his breath. Sirius could only pick up the words 'Master Black' and 'turd'...or maybe it was bast-turd. But nevermind, Sirius was not going to compliment the house-elf on his pun skills.

In the living room, Harry and Ron had their faces scrunched in disgust.

"What the hell did you do that chocolate?!" Ron whined.

"You're one to talk! You turned my frog into a turd!" Sirius told him.

"Yeah, but now it smells like a turd!"

"Please, don't tell me he tried to eat it?" Sirius said looking at Harry and then back at Ron for smudge marks on his face.

"Oi, I didn't!" Ron said. "I don't even eat the Berty beans that taste funny."

Harry pleaded rationally, "Sirius, whatever you did, undo it. The whole house smells, we could suffocate."

"Don't worry about it, I have Kreacher cleaning it up. Just don't drink any hot chocolate he tries to offer you after."

Harry, Ron and Sirius were in the midst of laughing at his joke when they were disturbed by Hermione's voice.

"What on earth is going on here?!" Her voice was absolutely furious.

Fuck.

Hermione looked rather funny holding a tiny stained shovel in one hand and pinching her nose with the other hand...However, there was no mistaking the anger in her eyes. She threw the dirty shovel at their feet then dramatically pointed with her arm at the hallway.

"WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT MONSTROSITY IN THE HALLWAY?"

She was obviously referring the giant pile of turd-smelling chocolate.

Harry and Ron meekly pointed at Sirius. Sirius pointed at Ron but it was too late. Two against one.

"Traitors," Sirius muttered under his breath. He was always blamed for everything. Dammit.

After Hermione got out the whole story of the chocolate frog, Sirius expected her to hex him or at least lecture him on the fair treatment of house-elves again. But Hermione's response was much, much worse: nothing. She simply ignored him for the next few days before they had to leave for Hogwarts. She was not directly rude, she still greeted him and answered his questions, with a short statement or curt yes-or-no, but Hermione was about as warm as an iceberg towards him.

This hurt Sirius more than any hex or insult could. Whenever she looked at him now, it was as if she were looking at Lucius Malfoy or some other brute, house-elf abuser. Which was completely unfair. Sirius had never been cruel to any elf. The turd thing had been a prank and a well-deserved one. If anything Kreacher abused him, not the other way around! But Hermione couldn't take a joke could she? What on earth was her problem?

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Author's Note: Yeah for giant piles of turd smelling chocolate! Siriusly though, Hermione needs to see that elves can abuse humans! Kreacher is a case in point of elves abusing humans! Poor Sirius. Hermione had her reasons, however, for getting cross with him and it was more than just frustration too. Do you think she can teach him to be more mature or will she realize that he is just a mess and she should move on and forget about her crush? Or does she actually hate him afterall? Actually I can't figure it out either