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Chapter 2!
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Things Sirius Better Not do Again if He didn't want hER TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE (AND DON'T BELIEVE SHE WOULDNT DO IT, IT'D BEEN LIKE TEN YEARS SINCE SHE SLUGGED DRACO MALFOY IN THE FACE BUT SHE STILL HAD IT IN HER TO GIVE ANOTHER PUREBLOOD POMPOSITY A BEATING!)
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Hermione was really, really not liking her relationship with Sirius Black anymore. Lately, the older, "mature" (she used that word loosely) man had done a lot of things that...well...fell very short of mature behaviors you would expect out of an educated 40 yo man.
Damn him!
She took out a bottle of aspirin and her quill and notebook again. She made a long list of things she learned he better not try again! Each would be met next time, she swore to herself, by either a balding spell, a tripping jink or simply a good tug of the man sack!
THINGS NOT TO DO TO HERMIONE IF YOU ARE SIRIUS BLACK:
1. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WAKE ME UP AT 3AM TO TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, COAX ME INTO MAKING OUT AND THEN WHEN I'M READY TO GO, YOU TELL ME YOU'RE TOO TIRED TO ACTUALLY GET IT UP! QUIT BEING A TEASE! BLOODY SIRIUS BLACK THE ORIGINAL V&*&(*&*B TEASE! LET ME SLEEP OR STOP TEASING!
2. DO NOT TELL ME I LOOK 'PRETTY' WITHOUT MY MAKEUP AND SOMEHOW YOU'RE MORE ATTRACTED TO THAT. STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL UGLY BY TELLING ME I LOOK PRETTY WHEN I KNOW I LOOK LIKE THE OGRE WE KILLED IN FIRST YEAR WITHOUT MY MAKEUP ON!
3. I DO NOT FEEL BEAUTIFUL WHEN MY HAIR IS A GIANT FRIZZY UNCOMBED MESS AND YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME YOU LOVE THE WAY IT LOOKS LIKE A FURBALL! FURBALLS ARE NOT CUTE.
4. STOP CALLING ME A CAT, KITTY, MEOWMIX, OR YOUR PUSSYCAT. I'M NOT A CAT AND I DON'T MEOW!
5. STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO ANIMAGUS INTO A CAT AND JOINING YOU IN YOUR SICK ADVENTURES! THE NEIGHBOURS ARE EVENTUALLY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO IS PEEING AND POOPING ON THEIR LAWN! IT'S NOT FUNNYY! ACT YOUR AGE!
6. STOP SENDING MINERVA MCGONAGALL A CAT LITTER BOX FOR CHRISTMAS EACH YEAR, SHE'S NEVER GOING TO USE IT AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL SHE USES A NORMAL HUMAN WASHROOM LIKE THE REST OF US. DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME YOU ONCE SAW HER LICKING HER PAW AFTER MAKING A KITTY LITTER MESS ON THE FRONT LAWN OF HOGWARTS, I DONT BELIEVE YOU! IT WAS PROBABLY YOU IN DISGUISE UP TO YOUR OLD TRICKS! STOP DESECRATING LAWNS EVERYWHERE DISGUISED AS DOG POOP!
7. STOP TELLING REMUS LUPIN WHERE THE DOG BISCUIT MIX IS. YOU KNOW HE THINKS IT'S ACTUALLY JUST DIGESTIVE COOKIES AND YOU'RE MAKING TONKS HUSBAND LOOK RIDICULOUS BY EATING THEM IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS IN LAW! STOP IT! TEDDY IS A MUGGLE, HE KNOWS WHAT DOGGY BISCUITS LOOK LIKE AND HE THINKS IT'S WEIRD.
8. STOP CALLING MY DAD "WALDO" THAT'S NOT HIS NAME AND YOU MADE A VERY BAD IMPRESSION. NO MY DAD DOES NOT LOOK LIKE WHERE'S WALDO! HE'S A DENTIST! HE JUST WEARS A GLASSES, A FUNNY HAT AND LOTS OF STRIPED SHIRTS. IT'S PURE COINCIDENCE! GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT!
9. STOP ANGERING ME BY HIDING MY S.P.E.W HATS AND TELLING HOUSE-ELVES TO WEAR THEM ON THEIR BOTTOM! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WEAR A HAT!
10. IF I SEE ANYMORE ELVES WEARING HATS ON THEIR BOTTOM INSTEAD OF ON THEIR HEAD, I WILL KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE. I DONT CARE IF YOU SAY ELVES HAVE POINTY BOTTOMS. HATS BELONG ON HEADS. QUIT CONFUSING POOR HOUSE ELVES! S.P.E.W. IS A SERIOUS ORGANIZATION! STOP CONFUSING PEOPLE BY THEM SEEING HOUSE ELVES ADVERTISING ON THEIR WRONG END!
! DAMN SIRIUS BLACK!