I love cartoons with superheroes so that's really all i watch and i love to write and read other peoples writing.

I'm a big critic, but don't worry ill be nice :)

My favorite Young Justice line:

Cheshire: Why, Arrow. If you wanted another date, you only had to ask.
Artemis: You two are dating?!?
Red Arrow: What? No!

That guy you just called a Mudblood? He spends hours practicing spells everyday so people will like him. That girl you just stupified? Her parents use the Cruciatus Curse on her reguarly. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother was killed by death eaters. Make this status if you are against bullying in the Wizarding World. You never know what its like until you fly a mile on their broom.

Yep. Kay. Yess. I will. Mhm. I know. I won't. Yeah. Yup. Sure. Yeah. Ok. BYE MOM.

On the computer doing homework* You always have Twitter, facebook, & Google opened.

''Benkinersophobia''

The fear of not receiving a letter from Howgwarts on your 11th birthday.

Now Made With REAL Cheese!

Well, wtf was it made with before?!

Even when I have nothing to do, I still don't do my homework

Lying on your back texting and dropping your phone on your face

"I'm a wizard!" "Prove it." "Sorry, no magic outside Hogwarts."

The real danger of chewing gum at school isn't being caught by your teachers, its being caught by your friends...

I've Always Wanted to Spin Round in a Chair & Say "I've Been Expecting You''

That one 'mood' when suddenly everything is funny and you can't stop laughing

Everybody wants happiness nobody wants pain. But you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.
Pulling up your blanket & accidentally punching yourself in the face.

My mouth automatically says "damn" when something wrong happens.

"Dude I have something really funny to tell you!" *Adult walks into room* "..Hold on I'll tell you in a minute."

Kid: Can I goto the bathroom?

Teacher: Say your ABCs first

Kid: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: Wheres the P?

Kid: Its runnin down my leg

When your parents call you by your full name, you know you're dead meat

If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, Our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

"Dude, I wasn't that drunk..." ... "You cut all my pineapples and kept yelling, SPONGEBOB I KNOW YOUR IN THERE!"

YouTube: "This video is not available in your country." Where the hell am I from? Narnia?

Checking the fridge every ten minutes to see if any food magically appeared.

Facebook is like jail

You sit around and waste time.

Write on walls

And get poked by people you don't know.

Dear Edward Cullen, So you stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original. Sincerely, Peter Pan

Google Turned 12 this year This means we only have one more year to use it Before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything

First thing a girl says when it rains? MY HAIR.

You were Given this life, Because you are Strong enough to live it!

H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Toward Everyone Reaching Success

Dear tongue, can't touch this

Love, Elbow

Probably Voldermort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

Dora: "What was your favourite part of the day?" *Children stare blankly at the screen.* Dora: "I liked that too!"

Reading someone's status and thinking 'oh shut the hell up'

admit it

at one point in your life

you have tried to balance the light switch between on and off position.

"Aaacchhooo!" "Bless you" "Aaaaaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaaaaaaacchhooooooooo!" "Dude, what the hell?!"

And who else

Tries Accomplishing Things

before

The microwave reaches 0:00?

Nemo Quote; Dory- I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy.

Elevator door doesn't open immediately. Sudden reaction; "TRAPPED FOREVER."

Dear 4th graders on facebook,

How are you in a complicated relationship? What’d he do, steal your animal crackers?

Yes it's friday. No, you do not have to start singing Rebecca Black.

The awkward moment when you get out of the shower and suddenly the house is empty...

The awkward moment when you accidentally type a wink instead of a smiley and make whatever you just said sound seductive...

When I was your age, we had theAmanda Show. Not iCarly...

Remembers back when Blackberry's and Apple's were still just fruit...

The word lie sits right in the middle of the word Believe

That scary moment when you're about to sleep and horror scenes flash in your head D:

I hate it when skinny people call themselves fat...

That awkward moment when your talking and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Life is short, so smile while you have teeth

Have you ever wanted to meet yourself and see yourself at a different point of view?

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain.

I wish you could Google could search like,"Where is my cell phone?" & it would be like, "Its under the couch dumb ass"

8 year olds today have facebooks, twitter, phones, ipods. When i was their age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination...

I love those moments where you just smile and think, "I love life."

Dear Algebra, I'm a bit worried about your obsession with your 'EX'. Sorry but they're just not that into you so do us the favor & move on!

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you listen too much to what people say about you, you will never be who you really are.

Money is made out of paper, paper is made out of wood, wood is made out of trees... therefore, money does grow on trees!

Don't worry about the people in your past; There's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

I think there's a smudge on.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨your screen.

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears

That horrifying moment when your mom says... "I need to talk to you." And u think of everything you did wrong this week.

I miss the days when you could simply push somebody in the pool but now you have to worry about their phone!...

So I saw a butterfly with no wings today. I poured some Red Bull and BAM!...It drowned...

When I grow up, I want a son first, then a daughter; So my son would beat up any boy that makes my little girl cry.

There's a million fish in the sea, infinity stars in the sky, six billion people in this world, but there's only one nemo, one sun & one you.

Best friends...You fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge; I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid tail.

Spelling M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I was a big thing when we were little.

Dora: what part did you like? Me: :D Oh! I liked the part where...- Dora: I liked that part too. Me: Bitch I wasn't done!

That awkward moment when Dora finds out about Google Maps

Dear room,

I only cleaned you because I had homework.

Sincerely, procrastinator.

Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K = Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge

I wonder how many Dads name their boy's Luke just so they can tell him, "Luke, I am your father."

I believe the word 'studying' was derived from the words 'students dying'...

Everyone says don't say 'hate' because it's a strong word; why does nobody say that when someone says 'love' without reason?

when ppl in movies cry they look beautiful.When ppl cry in real life,ur face gets red,ur eyes get puffy,& then theres the whole snot thing

Dear sock,Please leave 1 million dollars behind the sink if you ever want to see your twin again. Sincerely, the washing machine

Rumors- As fake as the people who made them up

Wake up in the morning feelin like P. Diddy. "No, actually I feel like going back to sleep." :P

SMASH!* Mom: what was that? Me: uhh, nothingggg...

When I Was Younger,

Hannah Montana Was That's So Raven,

I-Carly Was Drake & Josh,

Justin Bieber Was Jesse Mccartney,

Lady Gaga Was Britney Spears,

Wizards Of Waverly Place Was Phill Of The Future,

And Spongebob... Is STILL Spongebob

Justin Bieber walks by*

Elementary school: OMG JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Middle school: Oooooh, a famous person!

High school: OMFG, WHERE'S MY SHOTGUN?!

Dear life, Can we go back to when boys had cooties, HW was 22, & the drama was over who stole my crayons? Sincerely, over-stressed teenagers.

Elementary School: I cant wait to go to middle school! Middle School: I cant wait to go to high school! HS: Send me back to kindergarten...

crossing the road* Age 5 : Holding mommy's hand. Age 10: Stop, Look, Listen. Age 13: FUCKINGG RRRUUUUNNN!!!

A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do"

the awkward moment when you're at someone's house and you HATE the food for dinner...

Lιfє ιѕ ѕнσят, вreaĸ тнe rυleѕ, ғorgιve qυιcĸly, ĸιѕѕ ѕlowly, love тrυly, laυgн υnconтrollaвly, and never ғorgeт anyтнιng тнaт мade υ ѕмιle

No, you are NOT what you eat. Otherwise we'd become SMARTER when we eat SMARTIES...

Like this if you remember on nickelodeon shows like; The Wild Thornberries, Double Dare 2000, Legends of the Hidden Temple, All That, etc.!

Mom: You ready to go? Me: Yeah.. Mom: Alright, let's go. Me: WAIT! I HAVE TO GET MY SHOES ON!!

That super awkward moment of silence in class... and then some stupid kid yells out "WHY'D IT GET SO QUIET" then every one starts talking...

Oh PLEASE. We all know those celebrities don't get flawless skin from Neutrogena or Proactive. It's called a shitload amount of makeup and airbrushing

THE AWKWARD MOMENT

When you realize that if Taylor Swift & Taylor Lautner got married, they'd both be Taylor Lautner...

People say "thank God" all the time, but if a giant voice suddenly said"YOU'RE WELCOME" back, you know it would scare the sh*t out of u O_O

Pretending to die in front of your pet, just to see how they would react

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. - (F)ight for you. (R)espect you. (I)nvolve you. (E)ncourage you. (N)eed you. (D)eserve you and (S)tand by you.

Spongebob: ''Aww cheer up Squidward, it could be worse!'' Patrick: ''Yeah you could be bald and have a big nose!''

Someday I want to meet Taylor Lautner in front of a bunch of screaming twilight

GO TO GOOGLE. TYPE IN "WHOS CUTER?" THEN CLICK THE FIRST RESULT. like this if it made you Smile.

"Mario, he's all like"hello, im Mario, Im an Italian plumber created by Japanese ppl, who speaks English and looks Mexican""

I'm the kind of person that can set the kitchen on fire by making a bowl of cereal

How awesome would be playing hide-n-go seek

in your whole school

Today we drove past a Home Depot. The M light was out ... Akward?

All my life, I've been good, but now, oh whoa whoa, I'm thinking what the hell?

Test Says...

"Blah Blah Blah Blah yes or no?..."

"HA! Easy!"...

"Explain."

"...shit."

Haha this shit's not scary... Oh wait, based on a true story??

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again

that awkward moment when you walk into a movie late & it feels like everyone is staring at you...

Dear "I only gave you an hour of homework",

Yeah, you and the other six teachers I have everyday.

Sincerely, sleep deprive

if I sleep too much, my parents complain

If I don’t get enough sleep, my parents complain.

if I eat too much, my parents complain.

If I don’t eat enough, my parents complain.

If I’m always in my room, my parents complain.

If I go out too much, my parents complain...

I Cant Win.

If my parents had some sort of crystal ball that let them watch over me,over the course of one day at school... Id be screwed...

I love it when like 5th graders Have the new ipod and a cell phone and they think their the shit. it's like No; you're supposed to have A freaking Jump Rope You Little bastards.

In our generation we have ...

created animal shaped rubberbands.

whipped our hair back & forth, as a dance.

popped lenses out of 3D glasses, and wore them, thinking we looked cool.

had bracelets expressing our love for "boobies."

had more teen pregnancies than any other generation before us.

& found an easy way to stalk people (facebook.)

How lovely..

I got bored and googled weird holidays; Apparently January 31st is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. I now have a new favorite holiday

Before I die, I want to hold a party with fake alcohol, and see how many people act wasted.

You know shit's gonna go down when the quiet kid curses

"I LOVE Eminem!" "I like skittles better..." "No, the rapper, idiot..." "Your the idiot, what's so good about M&M wrappers?!"

We have all gone through that Awkward Moment When you're watching a movie with your parents & a sex scene comes on

"Jail...I mean school...sorry I can't tell the difference

Don't be Racist, be like a Panda. they're Black, White, and Asian. Yet... not Mexican... hmmm, be a panda with a TACO!!

fake punch* *fake punch* *fake punch* *BANG!!* ''OMG! i'm sooo sorry!''

"DAD DAD!! COME HERE QUICK! OH DEAR GOD PLEASE COME!!" "WHAT!? WHO'S HURT!!" "No one, there's a spider...please kill it"

"Is school cancelled?" "1 sec let me check FB"

who else sits in the backseat of the car when you're pissed at your parents

Thinking you're getting a mad tan. but you come out looking like a friggin' tomato...

and next time there is an awkward silence at the dinner table, look at your parents and say [by the way, I'm pregnant.]

That awkward moment when a group of guys goes to the bathroom together...

I don't party like a Rockst r. Rockst rs party like me

I am a nice shark,not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.

Fish are friends, not food

Finding Nemo

After a movie: Watch the credits. Sit and wait until the screen goes black. "OMG I NEED TO PEE!!!"

DUDE! He just called you a FACEBOOK ADDICT! Oh hell no, hold my laptop

oh WAIT... WAIT! I have a notification!

officer pulls over a speeding car* Officer: Papers? Driver: Scissors! I WIN!!!!!!

That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and when you're almost near the cashier, they're not even back yet...

some of the people on american idol; I swear.. it's like, they're trying to awaken spirits from the dead..

That awkward moment when the weird squirrel from the ice age finally gets his acorn...

I love it when its completely silent in class and some random kid decides to run down the hall screaming and making funny noises

I consider myself a crayon..I might not be your favorite color, but one day youre going to need me to complete your picture.

when someone touches your phone and you automatically turn into a ninja!

What if on 11/11/11 at 11:11 there was a shooting star. How freaking ironic would that be?

That awkward moment at school when the class is watching a movie and the only person that laughs is the teacher...

Dear restaurants, Please put out coloring books and crayons for the teenagers too. We would appreciate it.

That awkward moment

when you walk into a closet and don’t end up in Narnia...

If corn oil is made from corn; vegetable oil is made from vegetables:... then what's BABY OIL made out of?...

Three things I have NEVER felt like; A plastic bag, A ''G6'' & P.Diddy...

"sometimes at night when I'm driving I'll put the Harry Potter theme song on and pretend that I'm in a flying car"

Saying "Thats What She Said" At A Very Serious Moment

Youth wastes away, but immaturity can last a lifetime.

Dude! ... I wasn’t that drunk!...

Dude! You were on my roof then jumped onto my trampoline then jumped into my pool and started singing it’s Friday Friday Friday while petting a duck raft!

You were swimming in a mud puddle and shouting I’m swimming in Willy Wonka’s chocolate river!

You sat in my fish tank singing under the sea.

Then why were you jumping on the trampoline singing I believe I can fly?

On Halloween you told a ghost to get a life.

Then how come you kept punching bricks hoping coins would come out? (it’s possible…)

You picked up my dog and threw him screaming underdog your back!

You spent two hours trying to drown your pet fish

You broke into a pet store and got all of the birds started to throw them and chanted Angrey Birds over and over

You were yelling Trix are for kids at my rabbit

You were trying to get my ferret to dig a tunnel away from the hyenas

You were giving SpongeBob cpr and screaming SpongeBob come back!

You were hugging a hobo with a white beard screaming Dumbledore your back!

Have you seen the pictures on facebook?

You gave a sock to a midget and screamed Dobby you’re free!

You cut up all my pineapples and kept yelling Spongebob where are you?

You were in my fireplace screaming Diagon Alley!

I found you in my closet screaming the passage to Narnia has been sealed!

You were asking your girlfriend if she was single

You were yelling never at my Justin Bieber posters

You kept screaming at my toilet saying come back nemo

You broke up with your ex-girlfriend

You went up to my Kelly Clarkson poster and said oh, your back

You were asking my cat why he killed Mufasa

You were trying to hook people up with your girlfriend

You started making out with my Justine Bieber poster

You were running around with a stick in your hand screaming avada kadavra

You were watching Dore screaming backpack backpack

You were yelling at my goldfish saying I want my fairy godparents back

You were asking a chauffeur if he needed a ride

We found you in a bush…’nuff said

You were standing outside in the snow yelling where’s the beach?

You were chasing lightening bugs around screaming Tinkerbelle, come back!

You went up to Voldemort and said I got your nose!

You bought Justin Bieber tickets

You went out with my guitar and started singing the campfire song

You smashed my ipod because I was listening to wiz kalifa and you thought he was trapped inside

You heard thunder and yelled the gods are angry! Someone return the lightening bolt

You ran around yelling who you calling pin head, dirty dan?

You went into walmart and when someone spoke on the intercom you dropped to your knees and cried God has spoken!

You were making yo mama jokes to your own mom!

You went to the pool screaming we found Narnia

You were prank calling my dad and asking if my mom was free this weekend

You got on my dog and yelled giddy up horsey

You jumped off a building yelling come on spidey powers!

You held my cat in the air and started singing the circle of life

You were looking in my freezer for santa

You kicked my sister’s stuffed squirrel and asked where its nuts were

You turned over every rock in my driveway trying to find Patrick

Ok, I get it I was that drunk..

Yes you were now stop arguing

Heyyy guys the date is 2/7/12!!

Talk about others and you’re a gossip. Talk about yourself and you’re a bore.

Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell

When I see someone driving the same car I’m driving, I always peer in to make sure it’s not me from another dimension

H.A.T.E.R.S. Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success!!!

You know you’re invisible when the automatic faucet rejects you

The awkward moment when you're with your dad and he's looking at your phone while you text.

The awkward moment when a cute guy tells you to meet him at the mall but you're too afraid to go.

Mom says, "If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair."

Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.

Facing your fears builds strength, but running away from them makes for an excellent cardio workout.

Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Arguing in sign language must be a workout.

I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up exotic ways to avoid physical exercise.

Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

There’s a new way to transfer funds that’s even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Learn from the past

Live for today

Look for tomorrow

Take a nap this afternoon

The greatest trick the devil ever played was making you feel productive when you’re really just lounging around.

Admit it, sometimes, even when your crush does something really weird…. it still looks cute for you.

WARNING: Asking people about their weekend may result in them telling you about it.

To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don’t care, and the other half don’t know.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor’s cute then forget the fruit!

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Youth wastes away, but immaturity can last a lifetime.

Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we’ve got.

Dr: “Why so nervous?”

Patient: “This is my first operation.”

Success comes in cans…

Failure comes in can’ts.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

My dad said there are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.

My conscience never stops me from doing anything. It just stops me from enjoying it.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I would hope in a hologram but it will probably still be in the mirror.

- Stupid scientists.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

When people say “I’m not getting any younger!” I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

Men are like coolers. Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

There’s always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you.

If I ever become president, everyone will receive a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

Mom: You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

If people talk behind your back, it’s because you’re ahead of them.

A friend knows there’s something wrong by the way you act but a best friend can tell through just a text message.

Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.

In a car it’s illegal to not wear a seat belt. But I guess if you’re on a bus they figure death will be a sweet relief.

Let’s be honest: When life gives you lemons, most of you just cry to the internet about it.

Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.

I like to sugarcoat my words because I know I’m gonna to end up eating them.

Man is born with two ends: one to sit on, and one to think with. Since the beginning of time, man’s success or failure has been determined by the end he uses most.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!

I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t get it has to comment and ruin it.

Don’t worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

You know that sad couple in the restaurant not talking to each other? They’re actually listening to your conversation and will be making fun of you later.

All forms of gambling are frowned on by most religions. Except, of course, marriage.

You know things aren't going well when your mother tells you to take your twin brother...out so they can decorate for his surprise party.

I hate when people talk in another language behind me and laughing at the same time, I feel like they’re talking about me.

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she’s a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.”

- Maybelline

I’m thinking about buying a Volkswagen Beetle just so I can be the reason why people keep getting punched.

Disney World Rule: Children under the age of 12 must be accompanied by money.

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it’s true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Life got so much easier when I decided to become part of the problem and not part of the solution.

Friend: "Omg, your parents are so nice!" ...

You: "Its because youre here.."

- "My memory is so bad."

- "How bad is it?"

- "How bad is what?"

Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.

9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

I hate it when someone get off their a* to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Mom: My kids are frustrated with the books they got for Christmas. They still haven’t figured out how to plug them into their Kindles.

Football consists of 22 men on the field desperately in need of a rest and 50,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.

Some people are like fast food…they never look as good in real life as they do on TV.

In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

About 90% of conversations between guys are just made up of quotes from movies.

GF: Listen.. I think we need a break.

BF: Are you breaking up with me..?!

GF: You were cheating on me.

BF: But you'll never find anyone like me!

GF: Thats the point, dumbass.

Believe in miracles, but don’t depend on them.

A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.

Good friends make the world go round, but good tequila makes the room go round.

Murphy’s Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something.. if it’s good, it goes away. If it’s bad, it happens.

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Am I the only one?

Screaming the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Movie characters are always so badass. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out their arm and slip past the nurses.

I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice.

If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.

It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.

Can we pretend that school desks in the classroom are like mattresses ? I could really use a nap when I'm in school.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Imagination is intelligence having fun.

I dated this musician who used to play his songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.

Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can’t say that about much else.

If its good, it’s wonderful, if it’s bad, it’s experience…no regrets.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t be surprised if there are a lot of dead birds in their yard.

The best things in life are unseen. That’s why we close our eyes when we kiss, sleep and dream.

Why do guys cheat on the most gorgeous woman with the ugliest creature?

Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.

I remember going on a school field trip, and realizing the bus ride was the best part.

Consider power as NOT getting people to obey you but getting people to work in harmony with you with the goal being mutual benefit.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

Home is where you can say anything you like ’cause nobody listens to you anyway.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

“It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.” – Jack Handy

If you think going to the grocery store is bad try hunting your food.

Girls always focus on improving their looks, not their minds. I guess cause we all know boys are stupid not blind.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two-tired.

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.

Men are like...placemats- they only show up when there's food on the table.

A friend isn't someone who is nice to your face, it's someone who isn't rude to you behind your back.

The mixed emotions you feel when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Naughty kid: Dear Santa, I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.

There are 2 kinds of people I can't stand: Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what in the hell is going on.

I can't help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.

Why is it that the same people who tell you that you seem distant are the very ones who are too close for comfort?

Rock Stars and Cops have so much in common. They both want you to have your hands in the air.

I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why.

Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.

There's no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen ninjas.

I'm bored, so today I'm going to walk around the mall with a sketch pad and say to people "I MUST paint your likeness!".

Then make them sit there for an hour while I draw stick figures with frowny faces.

Truth: If someone asks how your day is going...run. They're about to brag about their awesome day or complain about their shit day.

"Long story short" is usually when I start listening.

Mom: "I caught my son playing with an electrical outlet. He gave himself quite a shock. I had to ground him"

I ate so badly this past weekend that my body would probably mistake a piece of fruit for a virus and try to attack it.

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

If you could see the world through the eyes of another person for even a few brief moments, then chances are you have superpowers.

Alcohol removes your ability to dance, speak and choose who you go home with. But none of that matters because it also removes your memory.

The squiggly red lines in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.

Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "apparently," is probably awesome.

Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

I am so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something out of myself.

Etc.- An abbreviation used to make people think you know more than you actually do

Never tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.

You know you should never judge a person from his profile picture. Judge them for their status updates.

Boyfriend: Calm down!, I wasn't really serious!

Girlfriend: Don't make me mad, and then tell me to calm down, That's like stabbing someone and then wondering why they're bleeding.

Luck is when opportunity knocks and you answer.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she damn well pleases!

I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

Don't let your ears WITNESS what your eyes didn’t see & don’t let your mouth speak what your heart doesn’t feel.

Ability is what you’re capable of doing, motivation determines what you do, and attitude determines how well you do it.

I don’t like to think myself as ‘Special’ I like to think myself as limited edition.

Sometimes the strongest people in the morning, are the ones that cry themselves to sleep at night.

If the only thing that makes you happy is hurting someone.. then you really need to look in the mirror and get your happiness another way..

Poor man walks miles to earn the food & rich man walks miles to digest the food.

Don't let your ears WITNESS what your eyes didn’t see & don’t let your mouth speak what your heart doesn’t feel.

Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, but to make your absence felt.

Money should be used, and people loved, instead of money is loved, and people used.

The more we study, the more we discover our ignorance..

The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.

People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. The leader leads, and the boss drives.

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

Am I the only one?

Hear someone calling your name but decide to act like you can’t hear them.

To all married men: If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never get it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

For some, marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Behind every girl’s favorite song is an untold story.

I believe in music like some people believe in fairy tales.

Well that’s it…another year gone by and you didn’t use algebra once.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When I sneeze four times, that one “bless you” is enough… There is no need to repeat it.

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

There are 4 things you can never recover, The stone..after the throw. The word..after it’s said. The occasion..after it’s missed. The time..after it’s gone.

When you feel you need more exercise, lie down until the feeling wears off.

Strange but true - Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?

Bathroom is the place where everyone sings at least one line.

When people try to bring you down, it just means you’re above them.

I read a brilliant book recently entitled "The History of Superglue". Once I had read it, the words stuck in my mind for ages.

There’s a difference between friends and best friends. If you're upset a friend comes and hugs you. A best friend comes with a gun and says, "Alright who am I shooting?"

Attitude and personality are two different things… My personality stays within me wherever I am. My attitude depends on the people in front of me.

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges..

The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies…

If pigs could fly there wouldn’t be any men on the ground.

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

If your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more.

Saying sorry doesn’t mean there isn’t guilt and forgiving doesn’t mean the pain is gone.

Don't run from your fears, when they catch up with you, you'll be too tired to fight.

Love is a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.

People can steal your ideas, but they can never come close to stealing your intellect.

My pillow could be a hairstylist, I swear. Because I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

If Friends are like flowers.. That would explain my pretty bouquet!

A good idea will keep you awake during the morning, but a great idea will keep you awake during the night.

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read.

A true friend sees the first tear, catches the second, and stops the third.

Your goal should be to help people. And if you can't help them, then at least dont hurt them.

The most important opinion is the one you have of yourself.

Just because you have a heart, it doesn't make you a human... you got to have emotions in that.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people get married more than once?

Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.

Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.

If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.

Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.

Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

Love isn’t complicated, people are.

Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.

A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.

The wise speak when they have something to say, the fools speak when they have to say something.

Your first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Your second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Your third marriage is just plain old stupidity.

A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

There are two rules for success:

1.) Don't tell all you know.

The great question... every man has not been able to answer...is, “What does a woman want?”

A woman is like a tea bag; it’s only when she’s in hot water that you realize how strong she is.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it dumps on your head.

If you have a choice between me and her, choose her because if you really loved me there wouldn't be a choice.

Sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest places

The moment when you just watched a scary movie and look back everywhere you go.

Most stress is caused by three things; family, money and family with no money.

Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.

Don't you hate it when you're listening to music really loud and you have to keep pausing it because you constantly think you're hearing your name being called?

Shallow minds drown in deep thought.

Best friends: they know how stupid you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.

I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and funny as hell.

Worrying is so dumb. It's like carrying an umbrella waiting for it to rain

Dear Teachers,

If I sit next to my best friend, I'll whisper to her. If you move me away, I'll shout to her.

It's your choice

Today, an insect settled on my monitor. Being lazy, I tried waving my mouse at it, but it wouldn't move. So I loaded pictures of Justin Bieber. Worked like a charm.

When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

Dear Sleep, I'm sorry I hated you when I was little, but now I can't get enough of you.

Fun Things To Do #2

1. Buy a parrot.

2. Teach the parrot to say, "Help I turned into a parrot!"

3. Leave it in a public area.

To all the girls who die for a "zero figure," remember, real men go for curves; only dogs go for bones.

My neighbor is stealing my WiFi so I renamed my Router "THE CIA is WATCHING YOU REUBEN"

All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.

Fun Things To Do #12

Take mentos. Freeze them. Offer friend a diet coke. Put mentos-ice into their drink. After a few minutes, watch their drink explode.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

I like to test my friendships by walking around with food in my teeth and seeing who points it out.

If you wake up hoping no one tagged you in any pictures from last night, you're partying the right way.

First rule of real world: Not everyone around you is your friend.

It’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

Minds are like parachutes; they only work when they are open.

If you want something you've never had, then you've got to do something you've never done.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -Steven Wright

Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.

Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.

Waiting for my dad to tell a story is like waiting for a document to open in adobe acrobat.

My doctor gave me 6 months to live. When I couldn't pay the bill he gave me 6 more.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

I've always admired ants, because they can sneak into any concert for free.

Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

People are quick to find faults in others than facing their own.

Don't let people who are living their nightmare tell you that you can't live your dream!

My curiosity and common sense are arguing as usual.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it's understood.

A good friend will say "Don't Do It!"... Your best friend will say " We Need More Fireworks!!!"

ROFLYSHST = Rolling On Floor Laughing Yet Some How Still Typing

Every time someone says "that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" I can't help but raise my hand and offer to top it.

When you’re mad at someone, stop, close your eyes and take a deep breath. It helps your aim when you punch them in the face.

Dear fridge,

I will be back in fifteen minutes. Please go shopping.

Sincerely, Hungry

Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

Mind over matter. Because in my mind, you don't matter.

Your friend would bail you out of jail

Your best friend would say… lets do it again

Sometimes I think about how different my life would have turned out if nobody had invented the snooze button.

Time flies when I can't find the snooze button.

The hardest part of letting go of someone you love is… the splat when they hit the ground.

There's a good chance you don't like me. But an even better chance I don't care.

Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress to begin with.

If God opens a window when he closes a door there's a good chance he's in the bathroom.

As I see it the more people who hate me is less people that I have to please.

Dear Dinner,

They're only using you to get to me.

Sincerely, Dessert

A circle is a line of no depth running round a point forever.

I try to enjoy life's simple pleasures. Like hanging out in the grocery store and switching all the stickers on the fruit.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.

When the Game is over, the King & the Pawn both go back in the same box...

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means only left handed people are in their right mind.

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Dear Lord,

If you can't make me skinny, please make my friends fat.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet that the water bill is higher.

A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Some people hear voices … Some see invisible people … Others have no imagination whatsoever.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push!

If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays.

When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.

Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.

Some days just don't feel right until you've closed a car door on somebody's head.

The customer service in my bank is so bad; when I asked the teller to check my balance…she leaned over and pushed me.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

I have a hidden talent… I wish I could find it.

People laugh because I'm different, I laugh because they're all the same.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

"Denial" means never having to admit someone else is right.

When someone tells you it's impossible for you to do something, prove them wrong.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.

Success should not go to head and failure should not go to heart.

You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life.

I think he was right.

I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time.

But also to leave the wrong thing unsaid at the most tempting moment.

Wisdom has two parts:

1. Having a lot to say.

2. Not saying it.

Time heals nothing, it merely re-arranges our memory.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Dear Boys ...

flipping your hair is cute until it looks like

you are having a neck spasm

If someone throws a skittle at me and says "Taste the Rainbow!" I'm gonna throw an M&M at them and say "I'm not Afraid!"

Some people attend church three times in their lives: when they're hatched, when they're matched, and when they're dispatched.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake.

Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of lifes hardest tasks.

Your friend's parents will welcome you graciously,

but your best friend's parents will ask "WHERE THE HELL HAVE U BEEN? I WAS ABOUT TO CALL THE POLICE!"

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma'am that's wine...

Me: Jesus did it again!!

Never run after your own hat - others will be delighted to do it; why spoil their fun.

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

That terrible moment when you are halfway across the room with the food you just microwaved and your hands decide it's too hot.

I am the author of my life. The only problem is, I'm writing with a pen, so my mistakes can't be erased.

Dear Curiosity,

Just put the gun down and lets talk this out.

Sincerely,

The Cat.

Psychology – the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.

You’re only young once. If you act like a fool after that, you’re gonna need a new excuse.

Killing time murders opportunities.

LUUUVVV U ALLL!!!