Life Update, 05/23/2020 - 12:30 AM:

I've never been amazing from the start of this account, we all can tell. This is just coming from a very insecure place in heart. I'm aware the pandemic exemplifying these matters are a huge cause of this posting. This is how I'm feeling though.

My writing has changed very slightly as I've aged and I feel disappointed in myself despite knowing just how little time and effort I dedicate to it, I don't know if you'll notice the difference but reading my previous pieces and comparing them, I often times don't like a lot of the aspects of those final products but I leave them the way they are anyway because it gets what I want across for you guys to enjoy. I take into account my age and expertise, as formal education could only take me so far and I know I don't study the art of literature passionately. Often times, I feel like my writing is dull as others who I confided in stated or implied which painfully makes it below the level of some favourites' flow, readability, and word choice, which I know mine doesn't even compare to. I give myself the benefit of the doubt, but having a track record of having subpar performances on a lot of things I participate in leaves me feeling like I should have at least one thing that I'm allowed to be confident in.

I'm trying my best, but it's not easy writing stories when you're easily overwhelmed (being very anxious since young resulting in clinically diagnosed GAD, major depressive disorder, and panic disorder even before current times). Using more expressive adjectives really changes a writing style and can potentially change the tone of the entire piece, I wanted to be careful as I don't think I've ever been too talented in my way with words, I've always wrote how I felt to write or how I felt suited the story hoping you'll enjoy it at least and just edit what I've produced to the best of my abilities so that it wouldn't be too unreadable. These are just some of the things I want to improve upon in my writings.

I'm tired of settling, or at least feeling like I am.

I don't think it'll be awful to be forcing myself basically to write every day either, I need to be productive somehow, especially during these times, so please whoever is reading, expect more from me.

I've previously used every word correctly and I still do now, however I never feel very competent when looking up synonyms, antonyms, new words, and old words for confirmation. I know this is common amongst writers but I don't like the feeling of not knowing what to put down, how to put it down into words, and whether or not it'll sound good an hour from then. I want you guys to notice this little change in what and how I publish from now on as a positive one with my newest update schedule starting today, 05/23/2020. Working myself like this motivates me to write consistently again as it's fun to experiment, brainstorm, and genuinely keep busy. Plus, it seems at least moderately healthy and productive. This is one aspect of the first step to becoming who I want to be: a competent author confident in their writing abilities.

With my ambitious nature, that's just one of my various goals.

This is honestly the most satisfying way I have expressed myself in such a long time. Life's been rough on me lately. I don't need any more negativity, but I do encourage constructive criticism. Like my mental health advisor has been helping me become healthy again, I could get a literacy advisor to help in these endeavours. I will always be willing to ask for help.

Fanfiction is just a hobby, I've recently started a book of my very own, and I want it to be good, and fanfiction helped me in a way to hone my skills to prepare to write it. I won't just reserve my newfound skills to my original content however, my fanfiction audience will get to see my newfound skills too in the future.

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself...I know I can't achieve perfection as it's a dangerous rabbit hole to fall into but I know being closer to that definition is better than being incorrectly flawed, which I feel like too often now.

Especially during these times.

I have writing pieces I'm personally not happy with but I can also see that they're some pieces that others enjoy. I've heard that posting some of one's shoddier works could discourage a writer, but I don't want to let that happen to me, especially since I have a lot of work that I do like posted not only here but elsewhere too. I'll never take down something some of you who pay me mind enjoy.

I will now say something positive, about something that I love. Lenalee Lee from D.Gray-Man, my long time favourite series.

Why her?:

1. She's a strong female character (as in not just the macho-esque archetype people associate with that term).
2. She's not the typical female character that everyone seems to expect (as I elaborate on above and below).
3. She doesn't let anyone shit on her (unless she's into that kinky shit, hey I'm not judging), which is why she would practically demolish her haters if she didn't have such a kind heart. Albeit, feelings would still get hurt as shown in canon with her at times passive-aggressive (but rarely aggressive) behind.
4. She's kind, pretty both mentally and physically yet not shallow.
5. Though, despite her beauty, she has an awful amount of flaws and fears to her character that holds her back a little. (The most notable one being that she unhealthily puts her own world before herself and the rest of the world ("the real world"), which leads for a lot of heartache in her path. That's something someone could never get used to, but should have the strength to move forward from at various paces -- because you did lose someone you care about -- which Lenalee does.) "We can't just go back from here. If we turn back now, we are trampling down on the lives of those that got us this far." - Lenalee Lee
6. Though, losing the weapon that's supposed to protect your world -- thus causing insecurity -- would influence someone to go to desperate measures to try to at least keep their world together. She also worries too much, which proves my theory of Lenalee being a bit of a pessimist, a little more than others. Her understandable fear of Leverrier. Her fear of losing her friends, which induces her nightmares. She's also relatively sensitive however I don't consider that a flaw in and of itself, she has her reasons to cry and is aware of when the time is to. And etcetera.)
7. She's headstrong in what's she's fighting for. "Even if I do sacrifice my own life, I will ONLY do it for my friends." ~Lenalee Lee
8. She's extremely loyal to her loved ones, and will go out of her way to not have to pick sides. (I.e Her going after Allen.)
9. She constantly tries to do her best to help everyone that she loves and tries to improve on others for others.
10. She's encouraging.
11. She's charming. (Which explains her likeability in canon and attention she attracts. Stated by Hoshino-sensei, as she's based off of someone she really admires.)
12. She has an iron-will, as even stated by Lavi himself and agreed upon by Allen and Kanda.
13. She's not afraid to show her emotions.
14. She's smart. (Her subtle outlook on things, especially in dire situations when her emotions don't overbear her, and also her knowledge of innocence -- thanks to her brother's status I assume -- are what I'll use as one example. Another one being her fight with Eshii in how she was able to overpower her polar opposite.)
15. She's practically the most stable out of the four mains. (Even though she suffered from I assume mental illnesses for a long period of time before coping with it better. Making her a relatively good candidate for emotional support compared to the others, still coping in less healthy ways.)
16. She's just...perfect. (As Komui sees her, which is why he obsesses over her so much, which is funny on surface level until you look at their shared backstory.)

Lenalee Lee is a well written, feminine character that too often times is underappreciated by some people of the fandom she's associated with.

Join our Lenalee appreciation group: http:/// or Lenalee-Lee-Lovers on DeviantArt

Stories -

One Shots:

• An Hour; Interactions: 78, Views: 4067

• Utopia; Interactions: 20, Views: 209

• Heedless; Interactions: 7, Views: 236

• All For Naught; Interactions: 5, Views: 188

• Rejection; Interactions: 3, Views: 239

• Fruitless Efforts; Interactions: 3, Views: 199

Completed:

• Allena Drabbles; Interactions: 35, Views: 3007

In-Complete:

Tales of my Beloveds; Interactions: 62, Views: 3769

Update Schedule: Every Sunday

Chapters: 8/30

For the God Whom I Hate So Much; Interactions: 35, Views: 629

Update Schedule: Every first Monday

Chapters: 2/?

Lena The Ballerina; Interactions: 25, Views: 1158

Update Schedule: Every three days

Chapters: 4/14

The Moon Gets Its Light from the Sun; Interactions: 8, Views: 183

Update Schedule: Every two Fridays

Chapters: 1/2

Basic Info -

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Country: Canada

Hobbies: Reading, sports, learning new things, writing, exercising

I absolutely adore Allena, SasuSaku, Clouis, Kataang, Richonne, and Korrasami.