"Well, waitress, it looks like we are going to be here for awhile. So we may as well get… comfortable."

SMACK!

Oh no he didn't.

Tiana had kicked Naveen as soon as the words were out of his mouth (and his hand was creeping up her thigh) without thinking, but as he groaned in pain next to her she wished that she had thought about it—and kicked him harder. "Get your slimy self away from me!"

"I told you," Naveen grunted, clutching his abdomen right where Tiana had hit her target, "it is not slime—it is MUCUS!"

"I don't care what it is, just keep it away from me!" Tiana shrieked, raising her voice to be heard above the threats of the alligators below still coming through loud and clear. She folded her arms and turned away from him, rolling on her side, trying to make it look as though she was asleep, even though her eyes refused to shut.

Hard to sleep when hungry alligators are at your door and aren't letting you forget they're there.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!"

"The longer you wait, the hungrier we get!"

"We can still hear you in there!"

Tiana's arms slid around her body—her green, slick, mucus-covered body, and she suddenly felt tears spring to her eyes. As terrible as this day had suddenly turned when she lost her restaurant, that was nothing compared to this. Now not only did she not have her restaurant, but she was a frog, stuck in a tree with ravenous gators below and a smarmy, perverted frog who had gotten her into this mess in the first place on the other side of the hollowed stump. Not that she was looking at him. She wanted to forget that he was even there.

"You know…"

…which would be difficult if he kept insisting on talking to her.

"…if those alligators heard us being… intimate… they might be a little freaked out and leave us alone, yes?"

He had the good sense to not touch her or even scoot near her that time, but Tiana could tell by the tone of his voice that he still had that bedroom look in his eyes. "Ugh!" she spat out in revulsion, not giving him the satisfaction of turning around to look at him. Who did this jerk think he was, anyway? "In your dreams, mister!"

"I am just saying," she heard him say amiably. She imagined that he shrugged with those words. "It would also keep us warm. It would be beneficial. To both of us. Seeing as you only do things if you get some sort of gain from it."

Lordy, did this frog know how to frost her chops.

"Who are you," she snapped, forgetting her self control and turning around to glare at him (and he did indeed sport lidded eyes and a lazy smile), "to tell me what I do and don't do? Here's a newsflash for you—you don't even know me!"

Naveen snorted, giving her an incredulous look. "I know you very well. They say a person's true character is revealed during times of panic, and this has certainly been a time of panic. And I know you only do things for yourself. You would not agree to one simple little kiss unless I paid you. You would not even save my life unless you got a rather large monetary benefit from it." His incredulous look had morphed into one of contempt. "Can one really be as heartless as you?"

"I am not heartless," Tiana hissed in fury. "I am far from heartless. And if you knew what I've been through today even before you hopped into the picture you'd know that I have plenty of reasons to—"

"To leave me to die."

"You would have deserved it!"

"Like I said. Heartless." He suddenly gave her a half-smirk, his bedroom eyes slowly returning. "And it is obvious you've had a bad day. You are far too tightly wound. And sex does wonders for stress. Trust me."

He just wouldn't give up, would he?

"I'm warning you, if you don't drop this subject I'm gonna—"

"You are too tightly wound. And there is only one cure for that." His smirk was now full-fledged. "You need to get laid. …Often. And by someone who knows how." He waggled his eyebrows.

"I am going to kill you!"

This didn't defer him. "You say you want to kill me. Well, do you know what they call an orgasm in French? La petite mort. 'The little death'."

"You—!"

"And in this case, coming from you, it would be a big death."

"How on earth can you think about—about that at a time like this, you absolute pervert?"

"Because I am stressed and angry too!" Naveen shouted angrily. "You are not the only one here who has become a frog apart from your own choosing, you know! You are not the only one who has had a bad day! I have been tricked and cheated and turned into a frog and my one idea to change back backfired and I haven't had sex in over a week and—"

Tiana flung her arm at Naveen, throwing nothing at him, forgetting that she had nothing in her hand. "Well I haven't had sex in nineteen years and I've turned out just fine, so don't you dare use that as an excuse!"

"You have not turned out just fine…" Naveen suddenly stared at her. "Virgin," he said.

Tiana stared back. Did she detect a bit of an accusatory ring to that word?

"Virgin," he repeated, and this time there was no denying it. It was an accusation.

"Of course!" she snapped in retaliation. "Like all good unmarried people are—although I'm sure you know nothing about that!"

"Virgin," he accused for a third time, smiling unpleasantly at her. "How can you live with yourself?"

"I've never heard anyone use that word as an insult before! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"And that is all the more reason for us to do it," Naveen continued, ignoring her comment. "Think about it. What better circumstance to lose your virginity than now?"

Tiana flung nothing at Naveen again. Damn, she really needed to find a rock… or a boulder… or a stick of dynamite, or something. "Just because nobody's here to find out don't mean it's okay for—"

"Once we are human again," Naveen interrupted, "you—well, you will still be a virgin human, yes?"

Tiana stopped.

He had a point—

OH GOD NO STOP LISTENING TO THIS JERK!

"That don't make no difference!"

"Oh, right. Completely logical thinking is lost on you. Here. Let me appeal to your selfish nature."

Never mind that she had nothing to throw. Tiana slapped Naveen in the face.

Naveen flinched but didn't appease her with any cry of pain. "You are mad. Very mad. And you must release all your pent-up anger and frustration somehow. And slapping me, yes, is probably somewhat effective. But there is nothing more effective in releasing pent-up energy than an orgasm. Trust me. You will enjoy it." He gave her a funny look. "Uh, well, at least I think you will enjoy it. Most normal people do, but you are clearly far from normal."

Tiana gritted her teeth, forcing down the urge to slap him again. "Unlike some people," she said, slowly and markedly, attempting to work her rage at him, at the day, at everything under control, "I have a brain and I think with my brain, not with my…"

"If you had a penis you would think with your penis," Naveen said bluntly.

So much for keeping her anger in check.

"You slimy little—"

"And although I do not have a vagina, I am sure it is equally possible—and rewarding—to think with a vagina, too. This is not working," he observed, seeing Tiana's green skin slowly begin to turn an alarming shade of red. "Okay. Let me try—"

"I swear if you don't shut your mouth I'm gonna—"

"You say you are not heartless. This is a complete lie; you are the most heartless person I have ever met, but I'll humor you and appeal to your emotions."

Tiana lunged for him. Naveen grabbed her before she could hit him again and threw her down on the ground.

"Virgin. Virgin!" he spat out contemptuously. In reality he had dozens of far more stinging insults for her at the moment, but that was the one he was going to focus on for the time being. "You are a virgin and someday when you get married—poor deluded soul who will actually want to marry a cranky, cruel woman like you—your dear husband who loves you so much will have to hurt you if you are still a virgin. Do you want to put him through that? Why not be prepared for him!"

"Bastard, you idiotic, smarmy, no-account… For your information, I'm never getting married!"

"Funny thing about that!" Naveen shouted back at her. "Because you see, I always said that too. And yet now I am going to marry your Charlotte LaBouff."

"To save your sorry hide, that's why! But I take care of myself and I don't need to get married and I won't get married—ever!"

"The more you say it, the sooner your wedding day will come," Naveen smirked at her. "And when it comes, don't you want to please your husband? But how will you know how to please him if you have never had sex before? You will be a complete failure as a wife!"

Failure.

Tiana never handled that word well, even under top conditions.

And right now was not top conditions.

"You piece of shit, don't you ever call me a failure, after all I've done, after all you—you haven't done, you—" She flung herself at him again.

But he was ready for her. Naveen flung his arm out and slapped Tiana, hard, hard enough to knock her backwards and to the floor.

She exhaled, and it came out as a sob.

Naveen stared at his hand.

Faldi faldonza what the hell am I DOING?

He had never struck a woman before. He had never struck anyone before.

Except she wasn't a woman, she was a frog, a waitress, a waitress-frog who had struck him earlier and he was angry at her and dammit she deserved it.

But still…

Why?

Naveen had never been one to lash out in anger. Ever. Things rolled off him like water off a duck. And granted, he had never found himself in such a trying circumstance like this before, let alone with such a trying person like this frog-waitress.

But still.

That was no excuse.

"Forget it," he muttered, turning around and sitting on the ground. "Forget it. This isn't worth it. You're not worth it. …You're not worth anything."

Tiana felt her blood boil. Again. She had only known Naveen for a few hours and already she had made her angry more times than anyone else had in her life, ever. That took some talent.

"Do you want to know why I'm so angry?" she asked tersely. "Do you want to know why I'm having such a bad day? Do you want to know every tiny little detail?"

Naveen twisted his head around. "Yes, waitress," he said, hoping he didn't sound as sarcastic to her as he did to himself, because he actually did mean it. "Yes. Let your anger out. By screaming, by kicking something, by kicking and hitting me again, I don't care, just let it all out! Maybe then you might actually be pleasant to be around!"

"I'm worth plenty, frog," she snapped back at him. "I'm worth far more than you. Because I actually worked for the things I have. I ain't got much but what I have is mine because of my work, I bet you can't even understand that concept, you spoiled little…" She stood up, towering over him, and pointed a finger at him. "Because unlike you I never had anything just handed to me. My daddy died when I was eleven years old and I had to drop out of school and find work to support my mama and me. I worked in the fields. I worked as a maid. And for the past four years I've been a waitress. Every day I'm on my feet dealing with crowds and demanding customers who leave crummy tips."

Naveen stood up too. He didn't like the waitress frog leering over him like that. And he was angry too. And, well, maybe he if talked about it like she did he could get it out as well. "And what you do is admirable. But it does not compare to my tale. You still have a source of income! I don't! I have no money! My parents have completely cut me off! Abandoned me! All just because I maybe threw one too many parties and broke a family heirloom or two—"

"You got what you deserved, bastard!" Tiana interrupted, pointing a finger at his chest, now completely in his face, glaring at him. "You don't even have a clue of what the real world is like, what it's like to work and work and work so much that every day you feel like dying, only to finally have enough to buy your building, buy your dream, the one thing you've been working for your entire life, only to have it turn around and be told, 'Oh sorry, Miss Tiana, we've decided to not grant you your dream because you're black and female and young and poor and—' and to have everything you've ever worked for dashed and crumbled to pieces!"

"Is that it?" Naveen yelled back at her, their faces inches from each other as they glared at each other contemptuously. He grabbed her shoulders in angry retaliation and realized, in an instant, that he was going to get sex tonight after all, but sex that might possibly literally kill him, due to how absolutely enraged the waitress frog was. "You have other options, waitress! You still have your money! You can buy something else! At least you are not left with no other option than to get married to someone you don't even know and—and it would not matter if I knew her or not, I don't want to get married to anyone, and—"

"Boo hoo hoo, you have to get married, what a horrible curse, I can't think of anything worse—oh wait—yes I can—like having your life's dream snatched away from you!"

"My circumstances would have been bad enough even if I hadn't been turned into a frog!"

"And then—" The waitress frog suddenly and forcefully slammed Naveen into the wall of the hollowed out trunk. Naveen let out a gasp. "And then I met you!" she continued viciously, twitching with rage, her body rammed against his, her hands on his upper arms gripping him as tight as she could, her pelvis pressed tight against his, and she looked like she was about to kill him, and he felt like killing her too, but he also now officially had an erection that was nudging against her. "And as bad, as completely horrible as my day had been before that, I didn't think anything could make it worse, but you did! Now not only have I lost everything that's important to me, now I'm a fucking frog!"

"Of all the fake princesses I could have met, I had to meet you!" Naveen spat out at her.

"And of all the princes-turned-frogs I could have met, I had to meet you!" Tiana gripped Naveen's arms even harder as he gripped her shoulders even harder.

"Chista," Naveen growled, suddenly digging his teeth into where her neck would have been if she was still human.

Tiana shrieked in pain, in surprise, in anger, in—in lust, and she slammed Naveen back against the wall again, pressing her body fully against him—and on him. The sting of pleasure she felt as he tore through her, in addition to the painful sounding moans Naveen was making, was enough to make Tiana rock her hips and push him against the wall, feel that searing sensation of him moving inside her, again. And again. And again and again and again and—

This was sex different from what Naveen had ever experienced before—and he had experienced it in almost every way imaginable. And it wasn't just the fact that this was his first time having sex as a different species. Normally when a woman was forceful with him he laid back and took it, letting the sensation of such delirious pleasure ripping through his body with little to no effort on his part bring him to the edge of ecstasy. But not this time. This time he was throwing himself against Tiana with just as much force and just as much intensity as she was to him, continuing to bite her shoulder and groan as he gave just what he was getting. As he—she had used that term, that vulgar English word that had always seemed so harsh and amoral, even to Naveen, but there was no other word for what he was doing to her right now—he was fucking her. And she was fucking him. And she was fucking him very, very fast. Normally Naveen went slow. Girls liked that, and he was too lazy to exert himself more than he needed to. But he was matching her pace. This wasn't about pleasure, this was about letting his anger out. Letting his anger out at her. And releasing his pent-up—

He brought his mouth away from her shoulder as he gasped breathlessly, ejaculating inside of her with a sudden spurt. Whoa. That was fast. Normally he lasted much longer than—but then again, sexual intercourse for frogs probably didn't take that much time.

He gasped again as his member twitched in conclusion. There it was. He wanted to die—or at least lay back and relax and soak in the afterglow, a cigarette in his hand.

But she was still going.

Never mind wanting to die. Whether he wanted to or not, this frog was going to kill him.

"S-stop!" he gasped as she continued to grind him furiously.

This didn't endear him to her one bit. "How—dare—you—finish—before me?" Tiana demanded, still gripping Naveen's shoulders so tightly his arms were turning white, still ramming him against the wall of the stump with her pelvis.

In desperation, Naveen brought his mouth back to her shoulder again and started sucking it, flicking his now very long tongue out and snaking it around her arm. He had to get her to orgasm. Now. Giving girls orgasms was something—one of the few things, a little voice inside of him nagged at him—he knew how to do. He knew, and was known for, precisely how to give a woman the absolute fullest pleasure. However, he really had no desire to give this cranky waitress frog any pleasure whatsoever—but that wasn't the issue. Bringing this girl to orgasm went far beyond hedonistic fun. This time, his life was quite literally on the line.

The long tongue certainly had new opportunities to explore, Naveen thought as he used it to flick her hip with it still wrapped around her arm, as he continued to suck her shoulder. And although his entire lower abdomen was still numb and shaking from his climax, he managed to return at least a bit of her ferocity, hoping that that would make her climax come sooner.

He was relieved when she finally let out a yelp—neither delicate nor impassioned, sounding more as if she had been suddenly pained—but he knew what it meant as her hips finally stopped moving and she gasped, her grip on his arms finally loosing. Naveen, taking advantage of the opportunity, as quickly as he could released his mouth's grip on her shoulder and snapped his tongue back into his mouth, pushing her away from him, finally free. His legs wobbled and he fell to the floor, still breathing heavily himself, both relieved that he was still alive and still delirious from his orgasm.

This woman was a monster.

"Chista. Chista. Faldi faldonza," he murmured breathlessly, not looking at her. "I need a cigarette…"

Tiana also turned her head away from him as she struggled to get her breathing back to normal. A strange, tingling calm was settling through her body, having been set off by the sudden release of everything the sex had finally brought to her. But along with the refreshing calm was also a wave of nausea.

Slut.

She just had sex.

She just had sex and she was unmarried.

She just had sex with someone who she could hardly stand.

She just had sex with someone who was most likely going to marry her best friend.

Slut.

"I shouldn't have done that," she moaned softly, pressing her palms against her face. Realizing that she had spoken aloud, she turned her head back to Naveen, who was looking at her again but unable to give her much of an expression past his overwhelmed gaping. "You get away from me."

"Wow. …I thought an orgasm would make you more agreeable." His next breath came out with a laugh. "It certainly did wonders for my well-being, at any rate."

"Go away." Tiana turned away from him and stared at the ground.

"No, wait, this is an improvement for you. Excellent."

"I ain't like this," Tiana muttered. "I don't do this. I'm not a slut."

"Of course you are not a slut." There was no hint of sarcasm in his voice, and Tiana turned and looked at him in surprise. "I am a slut," he continued matter-of-factly, "but you are as far from being a slut as anyone could ever be."

"How can you say that? We just had a one night stand, and you—you're gonna marry my best friend!" Tiana again turned away from him, feeing her cheeks flush. Regardless of the fact that when this marriage happened they would be human again (assuming they found a way to become human again, anyway), how on Earth could she be around Naveen, human or not, knowing what they had done? And yet there was no way to avoid him, either. Charlotte was her best friend.

"She doesn't have to know. In fact, how would you propose even telling her? That we had sex as frogs? I highly doubt—"

"That don't change the fact that we did it!"

"I give up. You are making this far too complicated."

Tiana sighed in frustration, wrapping her arms around her body. She gave up too. Trying to talk to Naveen was akin to banging one's head against a brick wall. Nothing came of it except a pounding headache.

She heard him chuckle softly. "Just promise me that you will invite me to your wedding."

Tiana snapped her head around and glared at him. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm never getting married? I'm never getting married! Never, never, NEVER!"

"Whoa," said Naveen, his eyes growing wide. "Slow down. If you keep this up you will be married within a month."

Tiana took a deep breath to calm herself, and then said to Naveen, in a slightly more controlled tone. "Alright. Fine. If I do get married, let me assure you that you will not be receiving an invitation. I wouldn't invite you to my wedding if you were the last man on earth!"

There was silence for a few moments.

Naveen started to chuckle again, softly at first but then growing in volume. "Of—of course you would not invite me in that circumstance, because if you were getting married, and I was the last man on earth—"

"Stop it right now!" Tiana shrieked, knowing where he was going with this before he even got there.

Naveen laughed even harder, continuing despite her ultimatum. "Then by process of elimination, you would be marrying me!"

"Shut up," snapped Tiana.

"When you get married," Naveen continued, still ignoring her commands, "you will surely invite Charlotte. And since I will be her husband, you will have to invite me too. Etiquette and all, you know."

"Fine," Tiana hissed. "If on the slim chance I ever do get married, I will invite you. And what's more, I will give you complete permission to laugh in my face. Because I'll deserve it," she muttered harshly.

"That will be satisfying," said Naveen with a smile. Tiana turned away from him again.

The noise of the alligators was gone, she noted.

"I'm sorry for striking you," she suddenly heard Naveen say.

She turned back to him again and stared at him in shock.

"I mean, you deserved it and all, but I still should not have done that. I don't normally do that. I… I am not like that," he finished lamely.

Tiana continued to stare at him.

"I deserved the slap you gave me, too," Naveen added with a nervous smile, "so I guess we are even now, yes?"

"I guess," Tiana finally said.

They continued to stare at each other for a few minutes before Tiana turned back around and lay on her side, closing her eyes. It was a half-baked apology at best, but Tiana hadn't been expecting any apology from him at all.

Naveen was also not expecting an apology from Tiana, and thus wasn't surprised when she said nothing more. He also turned his back to her and curled up on the floor, closing his eyes.

She was fierce, this waitress-frog… Tiana. Tiana was fierce. It was an annoying ferocity that had nearly killed him, and he already knew that spending the entire day with her tomorrow as he likely would was going to drive him batty, but there was something… admirable about her passion. He had always had a weakness for passionate women. True, Tiana's passion was all directed in completely the wrong direction, but she did have it. He had no doubt she would get married, to some masochistic freak of nature, yes, and he did not envy the poor fool who would inevitably fall in love with her, but with her personality, it had to happen.

"You have a pretty name," he murmured. "Tiana."

He said her name with a little lilt, as if he was testing it out to see how it sounded. It sounded odd coming from him, Tiana thought, as if he wasn't quite sure what to do with calling her by name rather than occupation. She wasn't quite sure what to make of that either. "It means 'princess'," she murmured back.

Naveen snorted lightly. "Ironic."

That was the extent of their conversation for the night.

…

Tiana was jolted awake early the next morning, before the sun had even risen, with abdominal pains unlike anything she'd ever experienced before. Stumbling out of the hollowed-out tree—and forgetting that they were several feet up in the air, a huge distance for a small frog— she fell into the water, wincing as she felt her lower torso clench even tighter.

Something needed to come out. But it wasn't the normal body waste removal, she knew. This was different. But what—?

Still underwater, her body shuddered in pain one last time before she suddenly found out what. It felt just like her orgasm from last night, except this time something was shooting out of her body. A lot of somethings. Somethings that were small and round and sticky and had tiny dark moving dots inside them…

Oh no.

Realizing what was happening, Tiana tried to clench her lower body shut, but it was no use. The eggs kept coming out, at alarming quantities, and crossing her legs and gritting her teeth did nothing, they still found their way out of her. Then again, not that she wanted them in her, they had to come out, all these hundreds—maybe thousands—of eggs—

"Slut, slut, slut, slut," she moaned to herself as the eggs kept coming, filling the water around her with a murky opaqueness. She quickly uncrossed her legs and forcibly contracted her stomach muscles, now wanting them out of her—and thus getting this whole ordeal over with—faster.

After what seemed like ages, she finally stopped. Pawing her way through the eggs, she jolted back to the surface and climbed out of the water, flicking off the eggs that had stuck to her body in disgust and horror.

Slut!

She bit her hand and stared, horrified, at the water now teeming with eggs. Her eggs. Her children. Her and Naveen's children.

Well, Mama, there's your grandbabies, she suddenly felt herself think, and barked out a harsh laugh before the severity of the situation set back in. There were grandbabies indeed! Thousands of them! And irrevocable proof that she and Naveen had—

Yes. They had. As frogs. And their children would also be frogs. All the more reason to get back to New Orleans as soon as possible, find some way of turning back human, and then put this all behind them and forget it had ever, ever happened.

Tiana hopped over to some reeds and quickly began uprooting them, the beginnings of a raft. No time to waste. Oh God, no time to waste.

Except hopefully by the time she finished and Naveen was awake, the eggs would be dispersed and unnoticeable.

She really didn't want Naveen to know about this.

This never happened. None of this ever happened.

She tore up more reeds and sticks, concentrating fully on her task.

…

Not long later…

Sunlight streamed through the cathedral, and Tiana beamed from it, beamed without its help, beamed even brighter for it being there, smiling at the enthusiastic applause from the crowd, applauding for happiness for her, on her wedding day. It was her wedding day, and she couldn't have been any happier. Life had always seemed like an endless possibility to her, but now more than ever it seemed like an endless possibility that could be matched and exceeded, now with her husband at her side.

She turned her face away from the crowd and back at him, unable to hide her joy and her love. He smiled back with the same love and tenderness… before his eyes suddenly crinkled, his mouth twitched, and he started to laugh. Softly at first, but soon it was more forceful and deliberate.

"What is so funny?" Tiana demanded.

"Remember?" Naveen responded, still laughing. "You gave me permission to laugh in your face at your wedding. So—so I am laughing in your face at your wedding. Ha. Ha ha ha." He paused thoughtfully. "You said you would invite me, however, and I do not recall receiving an invitation…"

Tiana felt her cheeks flush, and she quickly turned back to the crowd and smiled and waved again, although this time she looked far more embarrassed. "That never happened," she murmured.

"Of course not," Naveen murmured back, also smiling and waving at the crowd. "Because if it had, I would be constantly apologizing to you for hurting you." A beat. "Oh, Tiana, I am so, so sorry for hurting you…"

"Forget it. It never happened." But Tiana knew that it had happened, and she bit her lip in nervousness as she and Naveen began to walk down the isle, the crowd still cheering. It wasn't the pain that made her worry, though… that was in the past and not here or now. But what was here and now was the likely fact that by now, there were probably thousands of their little tadpoles swimming around the bayou…

How to tell Naveen about the eggs?

Should she?

The doors to the outside swung open, Naveen grinned at Tiana and took her hand, and Tiana grinned back.

Well. Maybe later.