It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

When life gives you lemons . . . make grape juice, and watch the world wonder how you did it.

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

The term 'we are expecting' when talking about a child is weird. It makes it sound like there can be more than one outcome. "We are expecting a baby. But, it could be a velociraptor."

You laugh at me because I'm insane, I laugh cause you just figured it out.

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

I watched this movie where a serial killer, killed this guy's wife. Then later, a mass kidnapper steals his kid. So, the whole movie is just him trying to find his kid. Do you want to guess the title? Here's the answer: FINDING NEMO!!!

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble-down the stairs.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking parasites?

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

A idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

There's no 'I' in 'TEAM' but there's a 'U' in 'SUCK'!

I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly

ELECTION - RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “The queen is never late, everyone else is simply early."

In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb.

A slim chance and a fat chance are are quite a lot and quite a few.But overlook and oversee are very different.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

Keep smiling- it makes everyone wonder what your up too

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME

When you hear a Police car siren from outside, run around screaming in the classroom shouting "Oh no, they're here. They must have found the body! HELP!"

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

42 Things to do in an Elevator

1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. MEOW occasionally.

6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7. SAY -DING at each floor.

8. SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9.MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10. STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14. WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17. HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi (name),How's your day been?"

18. DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21. SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22. CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

23. MAKE car race noises when someone gets on or off.

24. CONGRATULATE all for being in the same lift with you.

25. GRIMACE painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

26. WALK on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. WHILE the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

28. LET your cell phone ring - don't answer it.

29. WALK into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

30. TAKE shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.

31. ASK people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

32. ALSO in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.

33. ASK, "Did you feel that?"

34. TELL people that you can see their aura.

35. WHEN the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

36. ANNOUNCE in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

37. DRESS up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time...

38. START breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air

39. WHEN someone comes in ask them to press 5 or 6 different floors

40. GET in and don't press any buttons. Wait for the elevator to be called somewhere and repeat 39.

41. IF you are the only one in the elevator, press all of the buttons and stand, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come.

42. LAUGH maniacally whenever anyone looks at you and say you're here for the mental health convention

Slinky Escalator = Endless fun

If I asked for your opinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.

IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of

next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the

store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't

have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that

way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

A black man sat down at a counter in some random store. A white man was sitting behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm Black, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you, sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

When something’s coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then I get hit in the face.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If you don't like my drivin then stay off the sidewalk!

Don’t mess with me. I've got a stick.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having thier motives questioned.

I used up all my sick days...so I called in dead.

Stressed is Desserts backwards

There's a light at the end of every tunnel...lets just hope it's not a train.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder.

Forecast for tonight: darkness.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?!

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my soda!

Funny labels

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Oopsie, too late )

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (No, it will be cold. When you put it in the freezer it will be hot)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (No comment . . .)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Hmm, now how do I get my four year-old brother to learn about driving and machinery?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Isn't that kinda the point??)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Dude, what else is there?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (okay that made me curious, what other use??)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Well duh! What else could it contain? Saints?)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (Because they don't want to give us the fake bacon, they want to give us the real fake bacon)

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And how do you use regular soap? I'm really interested to know...)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Aww, so knives always end up in children?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (We ain't two, ya know. Wait two year-olds can't read yet...)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh man, what a waste of my money!)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!)

On a can of bug spray: “Harmful to bees”. (What did you think they would be harmful to? Spiders?)

On a life-saving device: “This is not a lifesaving device”. (Note to self, don't buy from this company)

On a TV remote control: “Not dishwasher safe”. (So that's why it won't work anymore...)

A New Zealand insect spray "Not tested on animals." (Obviously.. you tested it on insects)

A Television Owner’s Manual "Do not pour liquids into your television set." (Should have said that earlier in the manual people)

A VCR box says "Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included." (If we knew how to operate the VCR already, the video will be freaking useless won't it?)

A can of self-defense pepper spray "May irritate eyes." (What else is it supposed to do? Season my fries?)

A can of windscreen de-icing spray "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures." (Yeah that helps me soooo much)

A cardboard sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard "Do not drive with sunshield in place." (Well, that explains a lot.)

A cartridge for a laser printer "Do not eat toner." (Awww... but it tastes good on toast!)

A computer mouse "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." (What if I throw it at my cats?)

A container of underarm deodorant "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." (Amazing.)

A dishwasher carries this warning "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." (Oh... KIDS, OUT OF THE DISHWASHER!)

A popular manufactured fireplace log "Caution - Risk of Fire." (What's it supposed to do..)

A rubber ball toy "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." (Isn't that why I'm buying it?)

A sharpening stone "Knives are sharp." (Really? No wonder it cut through my chicken like butter after sharpening!)

A snowblower warns "Do not use snowblower on roof." (And how exactly am I supposed to get a snowblower on the roof?)

A baby stroller "Remove child before folding." (Oh. Better go get little Bobby out...)

A pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." (No, it protects the tree from getting bruises when I collide...)

An electric router made for carpenters "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." (Shoot. There goes my quick fix to this cavity.)

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks." (Okay... then what am I supposed to do with it?)

A rock garden "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." (Ah. So it's like a 50% chance, then?)

A Fruit Roll-Up snack "Remove plastic before eating." (So that's why I keep getting shocked in the mouth...)

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

"It couldn't have been that bad of a decision if they didn't come back in time and stop you."

“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and then it’s hilarious”

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness.

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

Real friends don't let you do stupid things--alone.

The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING...

EXTRA JOKE PAGE FROM HERMES!(NONE OF THIS IS TRUE!):

Friends/Best Friends

FRIENDS: Will help you learn to drive

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you roll the car into the lake so you can collect insurance

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a towel and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Will help you find your way when you're lost

BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with your compass, stealing your map and giving you bad directions

Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane Intercom

1. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore

2. We're cruising at an altitude of... Ah hell I don't know

3. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?

4. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Just kidding.

5. Would the fight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em comin'

6. This is... uh... This is... uh... your... Hmm, I seem to have lost my memory...

7. Passengers on the left side of the plane - does that engine sound funny to you?

8. Good God Steve! We're going to crash! Oops - is this intercom on?

9. We'll be on the ground in ten minutes. One way or another...

10. This is your captain speaking: I'm depressed, suicidal, and I'm taking you all with me. By the way, I've already killed the co-captain.

11. This is your captain spreaking: we're about to land, but... uh... does anybody know how? I was kinda weak on that in piloting school...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLEN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLEN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.

TEACHER: Manic, what did we say about loud voices?! MANIC: You didn't say anything about drums.

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again..."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

Don't follow in my footsteps. It's for your own good. I walk into walls.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -Einstein

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. -Benjamin Franklin

Nine out of the ten voices in my head agree that I'm insane. The tenth is off chasing cars.

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

What ever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Whatever doesn't kill ME, had better run like heck!

In a British University, a final exam question on Business was:"Define what risk is". The shortest answer ever at one word was :"This." The student handed the essay in and got 100.

Wherever I throw it, that’s where it belongs.

The voices in my head don’t like you.

If I can’t be a good example, I’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

Welcome to the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies? But ask Peeta, maybe he made some.

Gravity is the only law I feel compelled to obey.

" Good friends make sure you don't do stupid things. Best Friends not only do stupid things with you, they encourage you to do them."

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Be yourself, no one can say you’re doing it wrong.

I don’t have ADHD, I just… oh look! A bunny rabbit!

I have ADHS… Attention Defici… Hey! Shiny!

Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom somebody hands me a shovel.“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”- Albert Einstein

My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.

Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish. Why won't the stupid fish drown already!?

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.

Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE then it's weird.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... you're just not laughing.

Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

Note to self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

Please don't drop cigarette buds on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend/girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

Screw fire and save matches!!

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows

I ran with scissors, and lived!

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

I hear your silence loud and clear.

According to the latest figures, 43% of all statistics are utterly worthless.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

Tell the truth and run.

Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.

Enjoy every minute of life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

If God had intended Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.

Education is important. School, however, is another matter.

When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months.

What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it? . . . . Next week.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

What do you mean my birth certificate expired?

My mind works like lightning . . . .one brilliant flash and it's gone.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Anatidaephobia: the fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching you.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

If your heart was really broken . . . you'd be dead so stfu.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that thing up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

"Sir, we're surrounded!" "Excellent, we can attack in any direction!"

When life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in life's eyes.

When in doubt, check a fortune cookie. It is right 5% of the time.

You don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

The cops never find it as funny as you do.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.

I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly.

"Some people need a high five... in the face... with a chair."

"It's a beautiful day, now watch some idiot screw it up."

Please note : Christmas is cancelled - apparently you told Santa you were good this year ... and he died laughing

Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google

Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada

Sixteen things to do at shops

1. Set all the alarms in House wares to go off at five-minute intervals

2. Make a trail of tomato juice leading to the rest rooms (preferably BEFORE the pissed janitor attempts to clean it up)

3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a packet of M&M's on lay-by

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in House wares"... and see what happens

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' to a carpeted area

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding section

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

8. Look right into the security camera and use as it as a mirror and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are

10. Dart around the store suspiciously humming the 'Mission Impossible' tune

11. In the Auto-Department, practice your 'Madonna' look with different sized funnels

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the 'fetal position' and scream,” NO! NO! It's those VOICES again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and wait awhile; and then yell -very loudly-, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

15. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, GO!

Percy Jackson questions

1) Favorite main guy character? Nico

2) Favorite mail girl character? Thalia

3) Favorite god?Hades

4) Favorite goddess? Hestia

5) Favorite minor goddess?Hecate

6) Favorite minor god? Thanatos

7) Favorite minor character? Bianca

8)Favorite monsters? Mrs.O'leary.

9) Hermes just asked you to help him repopulate Olympus...what is your answer to this disturbing question? Look down the barrel of my shotgun and ask again

10)Which PJO Character Would You Date? No One

11)Which PJO Character Is Your Best Friend? Nico

12) Which PJO Character Do You Hate? Annabeth

13) You accidentally got stranded on a deserted island...who got stranded with you? Percy,he's the son of Poseidon surrounded by ocean, duh.

14)Favorite PJatO Pairing? Thalico

15)Favorite PJatO Quote? "With great power comes great need to take a nap,""Wake me up later."

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!

A good friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you're slightly cracked- Bernard Meltzer

Friends are relatives you make for yourself- Gustache Deschamps

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs 1- Pro 0.

To put it nicely, I hope you choke

Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

I'm not cynical, everything just sucks.

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid.

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday.

Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by
those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

How long did Ethan have to consider his death? No time, he lacked depth perception.

Did you hear about Kronos' latest trick? Ethan fell for it