A Mini Biography

Name: JaqueDark (not my real name)

Age: 22

D.O.B: 27/07/1987

Aliases: Jaqueline Dark (Obviously), SpiderGirl, MaxwellsGurlUK, BeccaBehr, Becca4 and Bill.

Hometown: Liverpool

Travelled: Wales, Leicester, London, Paris, Southern France (I think, long time ago), Lincoln, Birmingham (briefly needed to find a bank between trains).

Will Travel: Scotland, Wales, Italy, Russia, Germany, Holland, China, Thailand, Japan, America, New Zealand and Canada.

Will Not Travel: Midwest America or Australia.

Profession: Writer/Student

Likes: Pizza, Chinese, Janto, Music (all kinds except Hardcore Country, Rap and RnB), Yaoi, Anime, Sleep, Beer, Hanging With Friends, Writin, Cynicism, Roswell, Slash, Reading, Surfing The Web, Meat, Halal and Non Halal Things, Greasy Spoon Fast Food, Food In General, Certain Exercise.

Dislikes: Obnoxious People, Gwack, Gwanto, Country Rap and RnB, Boredom, Ex-Boyfriends, People Who Act/Behave Stupid, Most Men, Corrupt Governments, Governments, People With Narrow Taste (Especially in Music).

My Websites:

Youtube (Videos Updated... Irregularly)

LiveJournal (Not Updated All That Often)

DeviantArt (Hardly Updated at All...)

LastFM (On it every now and then)

FictionPress (Update when I remember I have stuff on there)

My Twitter Page (I try and keep things updated)

Torchwood Challenges (For Those Who Like A Challenge)

Updates:

30 January 2010 - Hello all! Internet is down at the moment, again those damn connection problems I'm having at home! When it's back up I have new parts to the Little Things, The Fix, Breaking Thirteen (I think), and Earth Boys Are Easy (again, I think. Don't quote me on this). But LT and TF definitely have new parts ready to go up so keep watching this space!

01 February 2010 - Hello All! Internet is still down :( but with any luck I'll be able to take my laptop into town on friday and update the stories I've got chapters written for. Since I'm at the library (sans wi fi grrrr) I have to think off the top of my head which stories I've got written. The Little Things has definitely got a new chapter... I'm finishing off the next update for The Fix and Earth Boys Are Easy and I can't quite remember where I'm up to with Breaking Thirteen but I'm definitely getting stuff written for it! I'm a bit distracted with Uni choices at the moment and the possibility of working on a film that's going to be starting this month, oh and since it's been six months I got a very delightful email off my ex. What is it with some guys? Why can't they let things go? Add that to the wonderful things going on in my life makes me so happy I could skip across clouds (oh sarcasm, I love thee). Anyway those looking for updates... they should be out on Friday 5th February! Thanks!

11 February 2010 - Hello all! Internet still down but have been writing like crazy, sorry for the short updates on some stories. I'm in a bit of a funk lately with waiting on replies from Uni and job hunting like mad. But I have been writing more... especially for Breaking 13 and Earthboys are Easy. If I can write out enough to post a decent part in the next few days for any of them then I will do! Hope you're all doing well and thanks for all the people who read/review/lurk etc... you guyz made my day when I saw 1.48k hits for one day! :

15 February 2010 - Kon nichi wa mi na sai! Just a quick update, I've added the last few chapters to Hindsight, reposted all chapters of a complete fic and I'm still working on Breaking 13. It's progressing but at a much slower pace than I actually like. When I've rounded off the next chapter for the Fix I'll post that... everything is rather stuck at the moment. I know where I want to go just not how to get there. I hate having to fill space. Anyway keep watching this space! Thanks for all the reviews, subscribing and alerts!

08 April 2010 - Hello All! Just a quick update, things have gotten kinda slow lately as I've been hit with writers block but today I've been hit with such creativity that I'm going to work on it as soon as I'm back from Gyro tonight. That damn scene is very naughty and just will not get out of my head so I'm going to have to have a mass typing fest. I'm even skipping my usual after hours socialising in the pub to come home and get stuff out. So keep watching this space! Most likely it'll be The Little Things, then Breaking 13 then Earthboys Are Easy and finally the Fix. I've held off on writing the Fix because stuff gets very sad and I just don't want to do it; there will be character death.

08 June 2010 - Been a while since I did this, I'm sorry it's been so long. Not long ago found out there's going to be a Fourth Season of Torchwood! YAY! But no Ianto by the looks of things! Anyway as for this update I'm working on Breaking 13 now and the next part of The Little Things then I'll try and get another part out for The Fix. Real Life has been keeping me busy what with work and househunting and now I'm working on a Film, it's stressful but fun... and we're focusing on funding at the moment. Feel like I'm a social butterfly at the moment, taking on everything! My writing has fallen to the wayside somewhat but I'm not giving it up. Suzie should appear cameo in the Fix, Jack goes ahead with his date with Nathan in B13 and Ianto asks Jack to move in with him in The Litttle Things! Keep watching this space for those updates! Peaz!

Favourite Quotes:

"Oh Yeah I Know I Like To Wear Heels With My Bathing Suit"

"Boys Playing With Swords I Think That Probably Has Some Significance"

"This Is A Bag With Schizophrenia"

"I Wish To Order Evil Pizza"

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

"If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered"

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night"

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses"

"There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats"

"Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants"

"My sexual orientation? Straight But Not Narrow"

"When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys"

“Is no one safe from you, Harkness?” - “Your chair wasn't"

"When I make this sound my sinews unwind. I find it's meaning my voice is now found, I will make sound... I will make poetry. I will be loud and you will listen to me"

"I've got a knitted nativity scene" - "Nice"

"Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a terrified sheep down a bloody ladder?"

"Gee, Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night." Jack chokes on a prawn.

"I recommend my desk. I bolted it to the floor a while back for occasions just like this. Hang on tightly, though. Bruises like a sonovabitch when you fall off."

"Figures you're a size queen," says Gwen.

"God isn't here right now. Will we do?"

"A virtual hug maybe – but if you come at me with bear hug in the physical world I’ll nut ya"

"Instant orgasm, no fap nessecary. I should see a therapist"

"How would you cope if I got a little monkey in a waistcoat involved?"

"Are you touching yourself?" - "Well I would be if I weren't being groped by Christopher Biggins!"

"Strip that wee guy and put him in it!" - "He's ginger isn't that enough?!"

"Gimp mask or man with bird flu? You decide!"

"I don't think they're fucking people from outer space because I'd sign up to that religion!"

“Oooh, you’re naked, why didn’t you say so; and you said the word orgasmic to me. In some states of America we’d be married now.”

"Nobody Has Sex With Night Vision Goggles and Glow In The Dark Paint!"

"GTFO you underage b& fers who don't know REAL music if it snuck up behind you and tied your shoe laces together... and then raped you!"

"metal is metal. rock is rock. if you wanna go into 300 levels of subgenre naming then go for it, but i'll just listen to awesome music, thanks"

"The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."

"I'm not putting it up to eight, Moss, it'll blow my cock off!"

"He knows?" - "Of course he knows! Our sitting room's a dungeon!"

"In the end the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and chair and wander around heavily wooded areas"

"And Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol... on fire. So that's fun! I think that's funny! Because he was a mass murdering fuckhead and that was his honeymoon as well! Double trouble!"

"We had the pagans, they were interested in sex, death and religion. In an interesting night time telly kind of way"

"Your dogs are GAY"

"I'm sensing a trip to Ikea... and you know my feelings about that"

"We need to set some ground rules about guests... like don't kill them!"

"I never know with you if it's Jewish guilt or werewolf guilt" - "They're pretty much the same thing"

"Something... something to defend myself with... but so far... so far... so far I have my mobile phone recharger and a whisk"

"What the hell happened? No, don't tell me. I was doing handstands" - "And juggling. You're not very good"

"Well, anything remotely naughty was deviant for an asexual race and most of it involved shrubbery anyway"

“You’re typing ‘butt-plug’ on your U.N.I.T. report, Sir”

"How many years in prison for death by porn??"

“Please tell me you’re not getting off on… seahorses?”

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I don't know why, exactly, but I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with, to play with, to love. In a way that feels right for me, I hope he knows that I can see he suffers too and I want to love him"

"Drag queens, a river-dancing nun and Gareth David-Lloyd... FANTASTIC!"Just want to say that this has to be the three most unlikeliest things I'd ever hear in a sentence. Ever.

"When most people fancy a snack they call for pizza. God forbid, sometimes they even eat Pot noodles. They don’t eat Tiddles from number 42"

“Is it kinky Thursday already?”

"The early morning shoppers are no better, ten feet in front of them a couple are fighting among the debris, the woman using shopping as ammunition against a man who's clearly been struck more than once. There's jam in his hair and he's covered in tiny shards of fresh bread. In fact he's a tub of Lurpak away from becoming a sandwich"

"That was from Arabella, she wants me to tell you she's not particularly impressed with the fact that the first thing she got to hear on her ears working again was you whining like a little bitch"

"You do remember?!" - ". . . " - "Is everyone here very stoned?!"

"We few, we happy few" - "We band of buggered"

"This is an omen! Oh god, a higher power is trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all going to die!"

"Jack Harkness! Get away from my sheep"

"Good even vicar's knickers, it's Sid Snot here. A member of the fuzz stopped me the other day, he said "where are you going?". I said "Southall". He said "where have you been?". I said "Vauxhall". He said what have you got in that bag?". I said "...nothing"."

"We tell you over and over again that you're special. And you just don't get it! What's WRONG with you?!"

"Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta"

"None of us have ever done anything like this before apart from Mike who as we know stole a tank and tried to invade Paris"

"I'm going to get the rest of the chilli and rub it on his dick when he's asleep. The bastard" Believe it or not my mom actually said this.

"He doesn't take glee from it?! He sits on a throne of Turkey Skulls!!"

"Dohnuts? Viagra? What the hell are you doing?" - "Yeah but where's he putting them?" - "I'm nearly dead, Frankie, can I not have some fun?" - "Find a woman! Leave the pastries alone!" - "I'm going to have to walk past a Gregs now. 'There he is, animal' how embarrassing is that?"

"Well Jack didn’t get to ride the Ianto train if that’s what you’re asking"

"Now, mine doesn't do that"

"That substitute nob, can I have it? Mine fell off years ago"

"Bless me Father but I have sinned, again, um I don't know where to start. It's money, Father, love of money is a sin, isn't it?" - "A grave sin" - "I don't love it as such, but I need it. Is that a sin?" - "In too great a measure, yes" - "It's not for me, you see there's this woman, and I suppose you can include lustful thoughts while you're at it, ah there's this woman but she's engaged. And all this went on behind her fiance's back, um not literally, although I have actually done that. But anyway, um first of all I was with another woman and I slept with her, sorry, ah well I slept with her lots of times so very sorry. But before that she was a man, I was going to sleep with a man, sorry, but it turned out she had a false penis down her trousers so I slept with her but without the false penis, obviously, although we did find a way of using it... but never mind that. I was just trying to be honest like the sisters told me... um oh yeah, two sisters. I slept with them, both at the same time, uh uh lots of times I suppose I should mention that!" - "Oh dear God!" - "I know, I know! Well at least I didn't slept with their mother! Although I have actually done that. I suppose you should put that on the list; two sisters, a mother and... oh and those nuns! Two nuns, you might know them! So all in all, it's been a bit of a time really and I've ended up penniless so what do you think I should do, Father?"

"Nina said you were naked in here" - "Not yet" Oh, EKP! I love your fangirl subbing of DeRo ep#300!

“If something goes ping ignore it. If something goes tweep press the blue button. If something goes kaboom… Well, it’ll be too late to worry”

"Roman made Deniz gay out of guilt and is keeping him trapped in a horrible gay relationship. They do that, you know, those gays. (Just in case it's not obvious, that was sarcastic. Ahem)"

"I am not drunk, I am merely postponing being sober"

"Ingo and I kissed ... since then I've been having dreams of a foursome with him, Constanze, Brigitte... and my sister" - "Not half bad"

"Can you folks keep a secret? I'm not really the gardener here. The real gardener came in this morning about seven thirty for a bit of a surprise. You know what that was? He was just walking past there and I smacked him on the head with my shovel and I've just put him in the back of my land rover over there and he's bound and gagged and he's not going to be fed for a week. And meanwhile I'm going to wander around just talking to people!" - "Alright then, good luck to you then. Good luck to ya!" - "Might burn him this evening"

"There was the big whale out there, lived out there in the bay, Ben" - "Is there? A whale" - "Well there was. Kept eating my fish so I blew him up some dynamite and they took my bloody boat away. Deserved it the bastard. Blew him to smithereens, thirty five foot in the air he went! Big bloody whale he was as well! They were gonna burn me soon... Don't go"

" 'Greased Lightning?' Roman, the eighties called. They want their vocabulary back"

"Okay, now that’s the only part of this that really is just flat weird. My boyfriend is going to dress up in my ex-girlfriend’s clothes? I’m living an alternative lifestyle now for real. Check."

"Did we win?" - "I dunno" - "I think I see the Virgin Mary!" - "No, that's not her"

"Although you'd make a lovely assistant" - "Oh, bugger you sideways!"

"She's climbing out the window, isn't she?" - "Yes, she is"

"Always keep an extra foreskin handy because you never know when God is going to try to kill you"

"Who the hell does all the painting around here?" - "Someone with no arms or right foot by the look of things!"

"Oh for goodness sake get down off that crucifix! Someone needs the wood!"

"Oh, Felicia. Where the fekawee?"

"What a nice dog! What's her name?" - "Herpes"

"Christ! You should see what this woman's wearing! It's not a frock, it's a piece of corrugated iron"

"Oh she's not, is she?" - "Oh you can't do that with a ping pong ball!" - "You wanna bet?"

"I'm a lesbian. Don't look at me like that... okay I don't want to have sex with you and another woman. I'd just want to want to have sex with the woman. I'm that gay"

"Clarky! Your fucking amps' on fire, man! ... That's how hot the guitarist is"

"I might be your boy...but last night I fucked you...and this morning you are ironing my shirt...that definitely makes you my wife"

"How about I call Jack now and we can shag on the floor in front of you? Would that satisfy your curiosity? Answer your questions?"

"How were you when your life fell apart?"

"They're prisoners of their genes" - "So are dawgs"

“He was funny, generous, drunken, manic depressive, self-centred, unfaithful... terribly unfaithful. Did I say funny?” - “Yes” - “Funny, unfaithful bastard. You know a week wouldn't go by without him cheating on me but he'd say, Dirk, I have sex with other men but I sleep with you” - “Unconditional love” - “What?” - “Your poem” - “Oh, that's cruel. I was drunk when I wrote that... I should have written unconditional masochism, that's what it was! I don't believe in unconditional love! What is it? Cut off my ears, steal all my money and I'll love you anyway!” - “Yes, and more” - “More?!” - “You don't have to love me back”

“Why are you wearing that ridiculous coat?” - “Don't look now. It's a disgusting offensive movie about a psychotic dwarf in a red rain coat who cuts people's throats” - “Never heard of it” - “Doesn't matter, nobody messes with a dwarf in a red rain coat”

"DON'T LET ME DIE IN A GLITTER SUIT!"

“Normally it's like a horn or sumthin isn't it?” - “We're back to Barrowman”

"So Torchwood owes its technological advances to… my shirt and trousers? And possibly my boxers?"

"We'll bi-sexuals are kinda screwed then, aren't they?" - "Ahah, yes! They are!"

"Bastard hit me with a handbag,"

"Well we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more" - "You see, that's how it should be!"

"I don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan" - "We attack the mayor with humous" - "I stand corrected"

"…still use Windows…firewall worth shit…blows the mind…prats…idiots…It's true…all the villains use Windows…"

"WARNING: Gratuitous Shakespeare quoting"

"What are you doing here- In five words or less!" - "Out. For. A. Walk... Bitch"

"Hey, we haven't even done much more than kiss. We haven't even talked about living arrangements. Which you know, definitley your lighthouse Ianto. I'd be willing to move to live in a giant phallic symbol" - "You're a giant phallic symbol"

Days of The Week:

Naughty Monday

Tied Up On Tuesday

Wankers Wednesday

Kinky Thursday

BDSM Friday

Swingers Saturday

Smut Sunday

Things The Surprise Me (But Shouldn't):

Anyone seen Boku no Sexual Harrassment? Yes? No? Well I've just discovered that there is a vibrator out there in that shape. People who have seen it know what I mean. This is what I get for cruising /y/ on 4chan for inspiration.

Speaking of 4chan... my accidental discovery of Christian Yaoi. Yes I'm aware that there is Rule 34 on pretty much everything but the thing that got me about Jesus Yaoi was that there was more than one picture!

That Chii made an appearance in Tsubasa... (not sure how accurate this is. I blame Youtube).

Thanks to Belle de Jour, I now know that there are dildoes out there that are the size/girth of a Dolphins... member (Again I don't know how real this actually is. I tried googling but became frightened by the pictures).

My fantasised future: being close to 'settling' and discovering it wasn't what I wanted. I am now disillusioned by the whole idea of marriage and children... well maybe not children but definitely not for a very, very long time.

Me crying every time I watch the Staircase Scene from Children of Men. As of late cinematography does it for me and I can't help but be moved by really good scenes. Anyone not seen it should definitely check it out!

The typo in the Header of this section on my Profile.

Writing... stump popping up every so often. It's not a block coz I know what I want to write but I just can't put it into words... hence the stump. :/

People complimenting me.

That ginger has purposes beyond cooking and or medicinal values! (I blame Madder_Rose for that one)

Finding the hanky code on wikipedia (Interesting post script to this. The handkerchief/bandana in Paul Bunyan's back pocket means he either likes doing it in outdoor parks or he enjoys fisting and mutual masturbation). http:///wiki/Handkerchief_code

Bands/Artists That Rock:

Blue Gillespie

Hypnogaja

Dir en Grey

Miyavi

Gackt

Blue October

Mogwai

Antony & the Johnsons

Nickelback

The Doors

Fleetwood Mac

Crash Test Dummies

Garmarna

Angelo Badalamenti

Placebo

Stories in Progress:

The Fix

What if the man you lost, the man you loved, died? What would you do? What if you found him alive and well in an alternate universe? What if the man you loved, loved someone else? Spoilers for Children of Earth.

Earthboys Are Easy

Ianto looses his lover, Scott, in a terrible accident and thinks of nothing but joining him in the afterlife. What will he do when a strange man appears looking exactly like his dead lover? Jaarkness uses his chameleon circuit to become part human and he begans to wonder why the strange weasel named Ianto has such a strange attraction to him. Ianto has to teach Jack to be human and Jack teaches Ianto to live again.

The Little Things

Ianto meets him through his girlfriend's friend. He's always been sure that he was an average hetero bloke but ever since Jack appeared all the little things he's used to have been messed up. Including his sexuality!

Stories Completed:

Watchers Vignettes

Three short stories that could be read as stand-alones. Jack and Ianto get caught doing what two men do best... (no, not play chess). They get caught by Toshiko on CCTV, caught by Gwen on Owen's chair and by Owen in Jack's Office. There are some serious ADULT themes here people. Don't like hot man o man action then don't read it!

Original Fiction:

Complete:

A Tale Of Us

Zach is unpopular, Scott is everybody's high school fantasy, yet when he meets Zach for the first time... he knows nothing will ever be the same again!

Available at

All Their Fault

A simple misunderstanding changes Tobias Granger's life in ways he never even imagined! But it was all their fault!

Request The Empty

In Progress:

Goodnight Moon

Hana was a normal girl. She never imagined that her dream of being kidnapped would actually happen. But when it did she never understood just how important she really was...

Loup aka Lyco

The sad and lonely tale of one of the oldest creatures walking the earth. Neva is a werewolf living a long and cursed life. But what can dry this old demon out from his life of being shut away? Neva recounts his life to the detective who has arrested him for murdering a maid in a hotel room. (This story is being re-worked).

Forgiven Series

All My Fault - A continuation where All Their Fault left off. It's been seven years since Jacob and Tobi got together and things aren't the same. Tragedy changes everything for the worse and Jacob knows it's all his fault.

Forgiven - Rory's life is very unconventional. As the son of a famous singer and artist he's used to life being weird. When he meets a mysterious stranger at his favourite hot spot night club he's easily swept off his feet. The mysterious stranger has a double agenda... the secrets of Rory's past comes crashing down around him. How can you love a man whose been pushed into hating you?

Breaking 13

Gareth (Gage) Bryant and his family move to Chicago from Newport, Wales. Gage just happens to be a little wiser, a lot more confident and extremely good looking; things tend to come easier to him despite his cynical attitude. Everyone wants him around because he's just so handsome! If he can have anyone he wants then why is he wasting time with boring plain Eric Simpson? Eric is just glad someone wants to be his friend, he's been lonely for a very long time... struggling to survive in a world that's less than perfect to him. Can Gage save Eric? Will Eric let him?