Authors Note: For lone_star_woman who wanted to know what would happen if Jack and Ianto watched The Secretary.

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood. Nor do I own Costa, Starbucks or The Secretary.

That's the Trouble with the Secretary

"Hey, Ianto, is Jack around?" Gwen asked cheerily as she entered Jack's office. Ianto was sitting in the chair behind Jack's desk, twirling a pen between two fingers while he looked over one of about fifteen reports stacked up on Jack's desk. He looked up as Gwen entered, smiling at her in return.

"He should be here somewhere but I've not seen him since earlier this morning. Is there anything I can help with?"

Gwen shook her head. "Na, it'll keep. A coffee would be brilliant though, you know yours is better than mine," she said, complete with puppy-dog eyes. Ianto grimaced in return.

"Sorry, Gwen, but the machine's not working, you'll have to go to Starbucks...I'll have another look at it tonight before I go home," he hastily amended at Gwen's horrified look.

"Okay, you want anything while I'm out?" She asked, slightly pacified by Ianto's promise and already turning towards the door.

"Caramel latte please...Hang on a second, Gwen. Will you pick these up while you're there?" Ianto called to her, grabbing a sheet of paper with his right hand and writing out a list of the team's complicated coffee orders. Gwen stared incredulously at Owen's order, which was three times longer than any of the others.

"Just how much extra am I going to be charged for a," she looked back down at the list, "venti, triple shot latte with added sugar, whipped cream and hazelnut syrup? Can Owen even taste the extra shot through all those extras?"

Ianto laughed. "The coffee buzz is more important to Owen than the taste- I'm surprised he's still got all his own teeth given the amount of sugar he eats. And don't worry about the price, just put it on the company card. I realise how obscene Owen's coffee orders are."

"Does this mean I can get one of those cherry muffins I like?" Gwen asked, grinning at him.

"Only if you get me a piece of caramel shortcake," Ianto smirked.

"Your wish is my command, Sir," Gwen replied, giving Ianto a mock salute before leaving Jack's office and almost colliding with the man himself as he walked through the rolling cog door.

"Morning, Gwen," Jack beamed at her, "and isn't it a beautiful one." Gwen raised an eyebrow at him, amused by his cheerful attitude.

"Morning, Jack. Why are you so happy?"

Jack leant closer to Gwen, his face inches away from hers before whispering, "Last night was Film Night." His face was stern as if he was sharing a grave and very important secret with her, but his eyes were alight with mischief.

Giggling, Gwen started to walk away from him and closer to the door. "Say no more," she replied over her shoulder. "You want anything while I'm at Starbucks?"

Jack spun around to face Gwen, looking surprised. "Starbucks?"

Gwen frowned. "Yeah, Starbucks. Ianto says the coffee machine is on the blink. Didn't he tell you?"

"No, he didn't," Jack replied, sounding oddly pleased about the matter and looking fondly towards his office.

That's a bit weird, Gwen thought, seeing as how Jack is addicted to Ianto's coffee more than Tosh and I put together.

"I'll go ask him about it," Jack continued. "He still in my office?"

"Yep," Gwen replied, the cog-door already closing behind her.

***

"What the hell is this?" Owen demanded, charging into Jack's office and looking at the green cup in his hand as if it was about to explode at any moment without warning. Ianto glanced at the cup and raised an eyebrow at it before turning back to the report in front of him.

"It's a cup of coffee- a latte with extra sugar and hazelnut syrup if you've picked up the right cup."

"And why," Owen asked, stretching each word out, "am I being served this and not your coffee?"

"Because," Ianto replied, finally looking at Owen, "the coffee machine isn't working."

"Then go fix it."

"Bit tied up at the moment, Owen," Ianto replied his eyes already back on the report. "Unlike you I'm trying to do some proper work."

Owen stared at Ianto before taking a sip of his coffee and grimacing. "If the machine isn't fixed by tomorrow I'm calling in sick.

***

"Yes," Ianto shouted at the knock on the closed door of Jack's office, smiling softly when he looked up to find Tosh standing in the doorway.

"Can I come in?" Tosh asked quietly. "I've got coffee." Ianto waved to the empty seat in front of Jack's desk, accepting the green, plastic cup Tosh offered to him.

"Everything okay, Tosh?" Ianto asked, closing his eyes in pleasure at his first sip of coffee.

"Fine," Tosh replied with a small smile. "I was about to ask you the same thing as you've been up here all morning." Ianto gestured to the pile of reports with his cup of coffee.

"I've been going through all the notes about the spaceship crash in the Brecon Beacons a few weeks ago. Jack's supposed to be having a phone conference with Colonel Foster in about..." Ianto glanced down at his watch, almost spilling coffee onto the reports as he tilted his wrist. "An hour, but for some reason the only member of his department who'll talk to Jack at the minute is Martha." Ianto raised an eyebrow at Tosh, smirking slightly.

"I can't think why," he continued, mumbling the response into his cup of coffee. Tosh grinned into her own cup, remembering the look on the Colonel's face when Jack had propositioned him via webcam several weeks earlier.

"Jack's making me do it instead," Ianto finished, draining the rest of his coffee in one swallow.

"Do you need any help?" Tosh asked. "Gwen and Jack are out interviewing one of the teachers who said they'd seen a ghost at St. James and Owen is cutting up a Weevil downstairs."

"No thanks, Tosh," Ianto smiled at her. "I've only got a couple more reports to get through. Do you know if Jack and Gwen are bringing lunch back with them?"

"I'll send Gwen a text," Tosh replied, "Get them to go to call into O'Brien's on the way back. Do you want one of those pasta salad things you had last week?"

Ianto nodded. "Please. Thanks, Tosh." Tosh smiled at him before rising up from her seat. "And can you get Jack to bring it up for me? I have a feeling I'll be stuck on the phone for a while."

***

"Is the coffee machine fixed yet?" Owen asked, barging into Jack's office for the second time that day.

"No, Owen," Ianto replied slowly, not removing his eyes from the notes he was making from Tosh's report about one of the five weapons found on the Terileptil spaceship.

"Why not?" Owen complained, crossing his arms in front of his body.

"If you want a coffee," Ianto said, finally putting his pen down and looking at Owen, "go to Starbucks; or Costa if you really hate Starbucks that much."

"Why don't you go? Isn't that your job?" Ianto glared at Owen but the phone on Jack's desk bursting into life cut short any retort he was about to make.

"Ianto Jones," Ianto said into the receiver while continuing to glare at Owen.

"Good afternoon, Colonel Foster...Yes, we did hear about that little mishap...Yes, Colonel, I do realise custard is a hard stain to remove from clothing but...As we have previously informed your office, we have no control or influence over the behaviour of Torchwood Two...Yes, I am aware of that..."

After staring at Ianto for a few minutes, hoping to make him change his mind and hang-up the phone through the power of thought alone, Owen gave up and resigned himself to a trip to Costa in the middle of the dinner rush.

***

"You know, I'm starting to think Jack works you to hard." Ianto jumped not having heard Gwen approach Jack's office or walk through the door.

"What makes you say that?" Ianto asked in return, deliberately ignoring the grin on Gwen's face at having snuck up on Ianto, who was himself the master of silently approaching people and making them jump out of their skin.

"Well," Gwen replied handing over yet another cup of take-away coffee, "You've spent all day up here working, Tosh and I have been on seven coffee runs between us- not including the one run Owen made as our coffees came back cold and half drunk- and the Hub was sparkling when I came in this morning. I know Jack stopped at yours last night so you probably cleaned everything when you first came in."

"Ten points to Gwen Poirot," Ianto smirked into his coffee, before returning his attention back to yet another report. "Was there anything else you wanted?" He asked when he realised Gwen was still there, a slightly concerned look on her face.

"Yeah," she replied, snapping out of her daze. "Do you know where the report about those cats who were addicted to chicken flavoured Super Noodlesis? There's been another large break-in at the ASDA warehouse. I thought I'd call in on them on the way home, make sure they're not involved." Ianto frowned in return.

"I think Tosh had it last, if she doesn't have it ask Jack. He'll know where it is."

Gwen stood staring at Ianto, her face now showing all out worry. Gwen sat down in the empty seat on the other side of Jack's desk, noticing Ianto tense.

"What's wrong?" Gwen demanded.

"Nothing," Ianto replied just a little bit too quickly.

"Bullshit," Gwen shot back. "You've spent all day cooped up in here and you've just told me you think Tosh has that report. You never think somebody has a report, you know where it is. And instead of fixing the coffee machine the first chance you got your drinking Starbuckscoffee. Willingly!"

Ianto sighed in response. "Gwen, I'm fine. Honestly. Jack was looking for the file yesterday but I don't know if he got it off Tosh before we left or not."

Gwen frowned but knew that she was not going to get anything more out of Ianto, but she did notice that he did not respond to the coffee jibe.

"You know you really should leave Jack's office at some point today, I don't think I've seen you get out of that chair all day." Ianto's coughed as he choked on his coffee followed Gwen all the way back down the metal stairs.

***

Tosh, Gwen and Jack all jumped as Ianto's voice boomed out of Jack's office.

"NO, OWEN! THE COFFEE MACHINE HAS NOT BEEN FIXED YET. I WILL NOT GO TO STARBUCKS FOR YOU. AND IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN I WILLHIT YOU WITH IT!"

Jack chuckled and Tosh smirked as Owen shuffled out of Jack's office, not making eye contact with any of them, before dragging his feet back towards the half-dissected alien in the autopsy bay.

"Don't you just love it when he's assertive?" Jack asked, a distant expression on his face, not noticing the frown marring Gwen's.

***

"I think something's wrong with Ianto," Gwen hissed at Tosh and Owen as soon as Jack entered his office, where Ianto was still working.

"What makes you think that?" Tosh asked, removing her glasses and looking concerned.

"Well, he's not left Jack's office all day and I asked him where a report was before and he said he wasn't sure."

"Which one? There are a lot of reports filed away."

"The one about the cats addicted to Super-Noodles. That's a pretty unusual report, it's the sort that would stick in your mind. And he shouted at Owen!" Tosh frowned, while Gwen kept talking.

"Owen annoys Ianto all the time but Ianto's never lost his temper before. He didn't even swear that time Owen posted CCTV footage of him and Jack on the internet. I've never seen him like that before; I swear he hasn't moved from that chair all day."

Tosh and Owen shot each other a panicked look before they both leapt up from their seats, Owen running towards his medical bay.

"What is it?" Gwen asked, sounding even more worried than before.

"You've not seen Ianto like that before, but we have. Not long before you arrived Ianto got ill, but he didn't tell anybody. Nobody realised there was anything wrong with him until he collapsed.

"For a couple of days before hand he was sitting still a lot more than normal, only coming into the main Hub to make us coffee. He barely moved from his desk upstairs."

"And if he's bad again," Owen interrupted, returning to the main part of the Hub with a basic medical kit, "and the moron hasn't told me I am going to bloody well kill him. And his pretty, little boyfriend too."

Owen stomped up the stairs to Jack's office, Gwen and Tosh right behind him. Owen didn't bother knocking; he just opened the door and walked straight in.

"Okay, what's going on?" Owen asked, his voice squeaking at the end of his sentence. Gwen and Tosh raced into the room behind Owen before coming abruptly to a halt, all three of them staring wide-eyed at Jack and Ianto.

Ianto was still sitting in Jack's chair- now several feet away from the desk- Jack straddling his lap, kissing him passionately. Jack's hands were framing Ianto's face while Ianto had one tangled in Jack's hair; the other gripping the armrest of the chair, a silver restraint clearly visible around Ianto's left wrist where his shirt-sleeve had been pulled up to his elbow.

They both jumped when Owen kicked open the door.

Blushing with embarrassment, Ianto groaned and closed his eyes, resting his head against Jack's chest as Owen and Gwen continued to stare.

Well that certainly explains a few things, Gwen mused, raising her hand to her lips to try to stifle her giggles, laughing at Ianto's embarrassment, Owen's righteous indignation and relief that there wasn't anything seriously wrong with Ianto.

Tosh was biting her lip, unsure where to look; her gaze repeatedly flickering between Jack and Ianto, then to the wall behind them, before back to Jack and Ianto, both of whom were still sitting in Jack's chair.

"Can we help you?" Jack asked looking over his shoulder, smug grin on his face and one eyebrow raised.

"You sick bastards!" Owen screamed, finally breaking out of his shock.

"You've...You've been playing one of your games while we were in the Hub! Oh God I need a drink...or some Retcon. Tosh get me some Retcon," he ordered, as Tosh and Gwen- the latter of whom was still giggling- followed Owen out of the office.

"You okay?" Jack asked Ianto, who still had his head resting against Jack's chest. Ianto nodded before finally looking up, his cheeks stained pink.

"I thought that would happen eventually, Gwen was starting to get suspicious. Although retconning Owen doesn't sound like the worst idea he has ever come up with."

Ianto winced as Owen's shouts of "Ianto, you bastard!" sounded from downstairs.

"Sounds like Owen's realised that the coffee machine is working," Ianto sighed.

"What did you do to it?" Jack asked, running his thumb over Ianto's wrist before untying the silver tie that was keeping Ianto attached to the chair.

"Nothing," Ianto replied. "Nobody likes going near the machine so I hoped they wouldn't realise it was working." Jack chuckled, raising Ianto's now free wrist to his lips and kissing it.

"You sure you're okay?" Jack asked, linking their fingers together. Ianto nodded again.

"I'm fine. We both know I could have gotten out of that if I wanted too." Jack grinned before leaning down to kiss Ianto again.

"At least we've learnt one thing," Ianto said a few minutes later, his voice just loud enough to carry to Owen walking past the metal grating out of the window. "Owen doesn't want to be your secretary."

Owen immediately started yelling again, drowning out Jack's laughter. "TOSH! Whiskey. Vodka. Anything! I know you know where Ianto keeps the drink. NOW, TOSH!"