Call me Nightmare.

How to Tell if You Cat is Plotting to Kill You

Bringing you dead animals – This isn’t a gift; it’s a warning.

Staring Contest – If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.

Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter – When your cat does this, it is actually a failed ambush.

Kneading on you – You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness.

Hiding in dark places and watching you – Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.

Throwing up grass – Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.

Sleeping on your electronics – Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.

Pawing at your face while you sleep – Cats aren’t very good at smothering people, but this won’t stop them from trying.

Excessive shoveling of kitty litter – After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room. This is practice for burying bodies.

All the funny copy-paste things previously in my profile were just taking up space, so I removed them. However, that one was too cute to delete.