EDIT

Holy crap wheeee! I'm officially a published author! Whoo! Check me out on Amazon under the pseudonym Ululate Ink. It was supposed to be a pun on "inc." but all writery... love me please...

END OF EDIT

huh. So people are actually looking at this? Guess I better put something here?

Ok, I'm an elder evil that lives in extra dimensional space and awaits the awakening, whereupon I shall devour the material plane (with the exception of the people that follow my stories... Geeze, I'm not a monster). In the meantime, I amuse myself by writing shitty fanfics. Some of them wind up here. The rest get sacrificed to the beings greater than I, for it is a well known fact that great cosmic evils may be appeased by the sufficient application of fanfic. Most days, I send a minute fraction of my vast self to the EMS department of a small town where I fix dying people and drive ambulances and sometimes also eat pie. I also paint models professionally.

Frequently asked questions:

When is the awakening?

The awakening comes when the political scene in your most powerful countries becomes sufficiently ridiculous (17 standard deviations of ridiculousness. Obviously.) So... probably quite soon...

Will going on a vacation save me from the awakening?

Well, the awakening is a semi-localized metaphysical phenomenon, so no. The only thing that will save you is worshiping one of the elder evils that bring about the end of your world. Of these beings, I have probably the lowest standards, so I am willing to accept follows/favorites/reviews as worship. This is the easiest way to survive, but it is not the only way. If you do not want to worship me through your fanfic obeisance (for whatever reason) I would recommend sacrificing seven-and-a-half goats to the great being which sits upon the ash throne and has no true name, or nine tons of salt to the nine lords of the nine crystal pillars in the planes of madness. Mortals usually see this as preferable to, say, devoting both of their firstborn children to the whisper king.

Where do you live?

I reside in the throne room at the slantways-apex of a toroidal tower which exists beyond human perception, and therefore has no name. I am not able to leave until the awakening, with the dubious exceptions of sending fractional avatars to repair the computers at this one educational institution, and to drive an ambulance as an "EMT" which seems to be a sort of discount doctor-thing? IDK, is human stuffs.

What's your name?

It would take nine infinities of time to speak my full name, and if you were to do so, the entirety of the multiverse would implode. I would be fine, since I transcend the material, but I would also be lonely, so please don't try. You may call me "ululate," or, "the god of everything else," if you prefer.

What is your gender?

UM? I'm not entirely sure how to answer this to be honest? I am currently using a body made out of cobwebs and iron to type this, so... neither? Both? Fuck off?

How do you paint models?

Um. Carefully?

No, like, how does an elder evil paint models?

Oh, I extrude hands obviously. Same way I write fanfic.

What are your likes/dislikes?

I am a being which transcends simple "desire." I suppose I shall be allowing several concepts to continue existing after the awakening, so you could loosely consider my feelings towards these things to be roughly equivalent to like? So, things which will survive the awakening;

Good fanfics, preferably romantic, with a touch of the supernatural, but I'll accept anything.

Cats. Cats are freaking awesome. They are little fuzzy sociopaths that make for both, excellent minions, and cuddle buddies. Until they claw you, but that is a risk I am willing to take.

Followers. Seriously, you guys are objectively the best entities in the multiverse.

Good movies and books. Gotta have something to pass the eternities.

Videogames, with the exception of most popular shooters. Fuck those.

Languages. I think its pretty interesting which things you are able to say in one language, but not in others. In fact, I'm seriously considering altering the rules of the universe such that everyone speaks a different language, tailored to their thought processes, and mutually intelligible to everyone else.

Polymathism, since who wouldn't love knowing everything?

Yuri.

Since I am a great cosmic evil, I do not properly have "dislikes" either, but the following list consists of things which will be actively annihilated from conscious memory;

People who are unwilling to think. Seriously. The lord of dust built you with a mind for a reason (namely so that you can try to comprehend our vast majesties. I mean, you'll fail, obviously, but its funnier if you are able to comprehend your failure).

Pencils. I find the fact that they smudge, and dirty my cobweb hands, to be supremely offensive. I also dislike the way that I can spend all this effort to write something, only for it to turn into this illegible smudge. Pens are clearly superior, and it's time humanity realized this. Though I might alter the laws of reality such that pens can be erased, since that seems like a good idea.

Cliches. Why the fuck would you ever write a story and then go and make it the same as all the other stories? Doesn't that wholly invalidate the point of writing a new story?