Live In Today
Author has written 2 stories for Maximum Ride. My best friend is actually on here! Her name is FreaksWillRule...check out her stories. My Poetry Corner/ Random Words of Wisedom That are Quotes...Things...Yeah(: What can be said in New Year rhymes, That's not been said a thousand times? The new years come, the old years go, We know we dream, we dream we know. We rise up laughing with the light, We lie down weeping with the night. We hug the world until it stings, We curse it then and sigh for wings. We live, we love, we woo, we wed, We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead. We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear, And that's the burden of a year. Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine. Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the Opportunist This is a story about God. Read if you believe in him, and read even if you don't. A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it? Repost this if you truly believe in God “Do not stand at my grave and weep. In sixth grade, I broke up with my first boyfriend. He became my best friend. Six years later, at our highschool graduation, he made his valedictorian speech. The last thing he says? "Maddy, I've never stopped loving you. It's been six years...can we try again?" We just celebrated our 50th anniversary together. -A story I found on Facebook Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming - "WOW - What a Ride!" Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible kind of poverty. -Mother Teresa IF IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU WILL FIND A WAY. BUT, IF IT IS NOT, THEN YOU WILL FIND AN EXCUSE. The girl who seemed unbreakable--broke I know how it feels For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'- John Greenleaf Whittier - I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. -Again Internet Remember, you are braver than you believe, You are stronger than you seem, You are smarter than you think, And you are prettier than you feel. Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. There's gonna be some things in life that are going to make it hard for you to smile, but through all you see, all the rain and all the pain, you have to keep your sense of humor and keep on smiling. Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...and life gets so hard you just don't care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry...every second you wish you could die. Then you start thinking who would care...if one day they woke up-and you weren't there. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests...whatever they may be...life would be more like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable but dull and pointless. She smiles with all that she has left, yet tears are left un-dried. And though she's got so much to say, she bottles it up inside. If you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees, a disguise so you won't recognize, the girl is really me... I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. Nobody's gonna bring me downtoday. Been feeling like nothing's been going my way. So I decided right here and now that my outlook's gotta change. There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside. If you say I can't, you won't. If you say I quit, you lose. If you say I'll try, you might just win. But you have the power to chose. I think there's something more life's worth living for. Who knows what could happen. Do what you do, just keep on laughing. One thing's true, there's always a brand new day waiting for you. I'm gonna live today like it's my last day. ~* Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours. The freshman girl, If you are alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no flipping way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "oh crap, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you noob." Random Quotes~ "Because it was you're husband!" Nudge said, dramatically falling into her chair. "Fang's pregnant, and we don't know how to fix it and it's all the stupid alien's fault for abducting Fang in the first place so now you and Fang are both pregnant but you're going to have a normal baby and his is going to be green and everyone is going to know it!" -Nudge in ff Internet Fiasco I freaking love this story xD He thinks I wear a bra. Well, I think he's on his period.- Fang in the ff Dibs The awkward moment when Fanfiction.net is brought to you by the power of beer... What. The. Hell. Mom never mentioned anything about this! Hubbies? Children? Sharing an apartment? And what's with all the excessive exclamation points? I'm! Going! To! Talk! Like! This! This is gonna be one hell of a high school. And it ain't gonna be pretty. -Max in the ff Growing to Success "And where would that be? I don't think the mall sells emotion anywhere." -Iggy to Fang in the ff Dancing in the Dark "Iggy, what the hell is your problem? That was not us in the janitor's closet." Max yelled. "Yeah, we were in the locker room." Fang said with his ever straight face. -Max and Fang in the ff Dancing in the Dark He put up a hand, cutting off Fang "Don't tell me to calm down. We are locked in a gym, am I the only one that sees how horrible this is? What about food? Drinks? What if we run out of oxygen?" He turned to Gazzy, with crazy eyes "Stop breathing. We have to save as much as possible." -Iggy in the ff Locked In "Max, are you crying?" "No," She lied. "Your room just smells like onions, you should really clean it." -Fang and Max in the ff Maximum Awkwardness So kissing a girls hand is counted as being chivalrous now, is it?" Fang accused. "Oh please, Ari kisses everyone's hand that he meets. I'm surprised he didn't kiss yours," I explained. -Max and Fang in the ff Maximum Awkwardness (Picture Ari as a big , bad ErasEr kissing Fang's hand in your mind..HAHAHA) "If it makes you feel any better you can hit Fang," I said after she pulled back the second time. Fang gave me a sour look. -Max and Fang in the ff Maximum Awkwardness "Did they win?" "Of course they're Max and Fang. They always win." -Iggy and Ella in the ff Wild Mass Guessing (I don't know why but this comment just made me smile. Like, of course, they are Max and Fang and they always are going to have each others backs. They will always win) Max- Fang...Where's Dylan? Fang- Oh, we were playing Cowboys and Indians... Max- Yeah, but where is he? Fang- Well, he refused to leave Louisiana after its purchase, so... -cleans knife- He had to suffer consequences... Max- ...You got 'Does not play well with others' on The School report card, didn't you? -Max and Fang in the ff Job Listings Always better pissed off that pissed on - Fang in the ff Diary of a Lovesick Mutant I could tie him up and throw him over the gates to the School…..tempting. -Fang in the ff Where the Hawks Fly "Uh…" He raised an eyebrow. "You're not going to watch me in the bathroom, right?" Fang smirked evilly. "That's for me to know and you to never find out." I threw him a glare. "I'll assume that's a yes." He shrugged and kept walking. "Say what you will." Lord, Deity, whatever, if I see him anywhere in that bathroom, expect one of your angels to be back sooner than expected. -Max and Fang in the ff Fallen "They sent me as messenger. Can you believe that? Do I look like a bloody postman?" -Dylan in the ff Fallen For You (I actually like this guy in this ff!) I do not kiss Max in my dreams. I kiss my pillow… but that's another story. -Fang in the ff The One That Got Away I think we should stuff a bomb down their throat and stand back." Iggy said. -Iggy in the ff Breath of Life "Hey, Ari," he said, trying to lighten the mood a little. "How long have we left Max and Fang alone for?" He shrugged. "I don't know. Ten minutes?" Iggy grinned. "Stir this." -Iggy and Ari in the ff Keeping Up Goodbye collage, employment, money and amazing future. Hello McDonald's, hobos and garbage cans. -Max in the ff Demented to the Max "Fang! Where's the fucking shirt?" I yelled at him; I felt as though I could rip his spinal cord and bend it in half. Then stick it back in. "Uh, she doesn't have any." He said, simply. You know what? "Your not gonna have any freaking chance of having any babies, when I get outta here." I answered him, practically boiling with anger. I threw on the underwear and shorts, then clasped on the bra. -Max and Fang in the ff Demented to the Max He just smirked. I stared at him in utter hatred. Then he sneezed. And it was cute. -Max in the ff Demented to the Max. (Haha I can see Fang sneezing cutely lawlz) "Argh!" I let out a strangled growl and faced the truth. Well, there's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. -Max in the ff Demented to the Max I hate to say this, but Fang just made math look officially sexy. And hot, if possible. His voice, his laugh, and oddly, his smell, and how he ran his hands through his perfect hair every time he tried to figure out what I happened to mess up on again. It's driving me crazy. In a bad way. I think. . . -Max in the ff Demented to the Max So I kissed him back and we kind of, like... ate each others' faces off. It was like watching Animal Planet during the primal mating season - on one hand, it was pretty nasty, but on the other it seemed so natural. -Max in the ff my 17th Year of Toture, Drama, and Misery I was like thisclose to beating his ass into next year. But then we both kinda stepped forward and our noses were touching and you can't really hit an attractive guy in that position, you know? - max in the ff My 17th Year of Torture, Drama, and Misery. Who would've thought- the street fighter that reads soppy love stories? -Max in the ff The Love of Fighing and Fighters For those of you that think "love conquers all"… die. -Fang in the ff The Love of Fighting and Fighters Iggy looked down at her. "Well, it's quite simply, my dear Maximum," he began in a voice that sounded like he was talking to a simpleton, "the way manly men greet each other. It's like secret guy code for "I see you there, I'm just too cool to acknowledge you with words". Girls would never understand." Max laughed at his answer. -Max and Iggy in the ff The Love of Fighting and Fighters "Remember when I told you I was walking home and an old lady yelled at me that I was one of those gang members corrupting the world's youth and then hit me with her cane?" Mom widened her eyes while I said, "Sure." "Hello, Mrs. Levette," Fang murmured, his eyes narrowing at her form. I covered my mouth so I wouldn't laugh aloud. "Oh, my God, Fang, that's the funniest thing I've ever," I snickered quietly. "Yeah, at a funeral," Gazzy mumbled pointedly, looking at Mrs. Levette. -Fang, Max, Dr. M., and Gazzy in the ff Internet Fiasco All four froze in spot, flabbergasted at my sudden appearance. The young mafia had looks of uh-oh upon their round faces, while Fang had a Please-save-me-I-am-about-to-have-my-soul-sucked-from-me-like-a-Dementor expression plastered onto his olive complexion. -Max, others, and Fang in the ff I Don't Do Formal My paranoia has been like a squirrel on crack: fast-acting, constant, hyperactive, and extremely amusing to anyone watching. -Max in the ff I Don't Do Formal And Iggy said he was going to the bathroom half an hour ago but hasn't returned, so either he is taking the world's longest crapper or he's up to something also. -Max in the ff I Don't Do Formal "I thought you wanted my chocolate, and my chocolate only!" Fang cried dramatically. Wait. Fang? Dramatically? Not in this lifetime, baby. We all looked at him. "Gazzy, honestly," Fang said exasperatedly. "This has got to stop." -Max, Fang, and Gazzy in the ff Internet Fiasco "You alright, Max?" Mom asked. "Fine," I huffed, looking out the window. Iggy chuckled next to me. "Like I said, Fang, only once a month." "You got that right, man," Fang said, almost regretfully. "Oh, shut up," I mumbled. -Fang, max, and Iggy in the ff Internet Fiasco. Oh just go read it(: "And no, Fang, not your sweets," my voice said, but I swear I hadn't opened my mouth. "At least not right now, in front of these impressionable kids." -Gazzy and Max in the ff Internet Fiasco "Fang!" I chided through my laughter. "Watch your language around the impressionable children!" "Impressionable? They're about as impressionable as a pack of criminals in their mid thirties," Fang retorted. As I snorted in laughter, imagining them all older, grungy and in prison cells - yes, I realize how not-so-far-off this is from our childhood, having been grungy and in cages - the flock took his words offensive. "Excuse me!" "That was uncalled for!" "How dare you?" "I'm only seven." I snickered some more. "What? You guys have fought evil scientists and outsmarted mutated monsters, stolen cars, broken into houses, built bombs…" "I've never built a bomb in my life," Nudge said defiantly. "Liar," Iggy mumbled. "What?" "I said you're a liar. A big, fat liar." Nudge sat up and faced him, but he lay there peacefully with a smile on his face, completely oblivious. "I am not!" "It's okay, Nudge," Gazzy said. "You're not fat." I patted his head for being so nice. "I haven't ever built a bomb! Okay, wait, except for that one time…" "Exactly my point. Don't know why you went all crazy on me. Probably just a girl thing. Thank God it only happens once a month, right Fang?" Iggy kissed his hand and held it to the sky, to thank God, then held it out for a high five from Fang. "My point is," Fang said calmly, ignoring Iggy's outstretched hand, "you guys are far from impressionable." "Yeah, and any innocence we had left was completely washed out when we see you and Max sucking face." Nudge made a face and this and I kicked Iggy's head again. "You can't even see it," I reasoned. "No, but I can hear it," he said, shifting uncomfortably. "And that kind of stuff changes you forever." "This conversation got weird, fast," Gazzy said suddenly. --Max and the flock in the ff Internet Fiasco "You know," I said finally, once the others had stopped laughing, "that one kind of looks like someone who's giving all her ungrateful brats the finger." "See, Max?" Iggy said. "Told you it reminded me of you." I lovingly kicked him in the head. -Max and Iggy in the ff Internet Fiasco I was street fighting my boyfriend for fun, with the rest of my family watching for entertainment. I was having the most fun I'd had in weeks. I think that says something about me. -Max in the ff Internet Fiasco Crap," he muttered. I grabbed his t-shirt and decided on his punishment. In a fast, powerful movement, I shoved him into the humongous crowd of teenage girls. "IT'S IGGY!" "I LOVE YOU IGGY!" "I GOT HIS SHOE!" Fang looked at me. "You're evil." -Max, Fang, Iggy, and the fangirls in the ff Internet Fiasco "No, Dr. M. You don't get it. She knows how to twirl in circles endlessly. But her mind is so stubborn that she wills her feet not to work," Gazzy insisted. -Gazzing in the ff Internet Fiasco "Fang?" I called hesitantly, and I heard, "Over here!" from six different corridors. I walked nervously down one hall and came into a completely dark room. I was so lost, I couldn't see anything, then I turned around to leave. I stepped on a cushion and suddenly a clown was lit up evilly right in front of me. I screamed bloody murder, and turned around, only to see another huge, grotesque creature poised to pounce. "FANG!" I screamed. My scared voice echoed, as if the room I was in was as big a football stadium. I tentatively walked into a dark corner with no creepy killer, and bumped into something. I screamed again. And at the same time, Fang yelled, "Holy crap! Max, don't do that!" -Max and Fang in in a funhouse in the ff Internet Fiasco "AnnabelLloyd97 says, 'What would you guys name your kids?'" "Yeah. Because we sit around naming our invisible kids for fun. We've never really discussed it," I said, looking from Fang to the flock to the camera. -Max and Fang in the ff Internet Fiasco "Okay," Fang said scrolling down one the page. "AmyQueen95 says: How many times have you guys kissed? That sounds really personal and dumb, but it's like, it happened probably six times before you got together, maybe more than that, but still. It's like, did you ever leave Fax times out of your book? That's what a lot of the readers crave most!" "Six?" Ella exclaimed, shocked. I started checking them off on my fingers. "Beach, cave, dock, desert, date in Hawaii, submarine, beach again. That was seven, all before we got together. But after it was… well, tent in Africa, bathroom, tree, woods, movies, kitchen, and…. Well that's mostly it." "Thirteen," Fang cleared up helpfully. "Cave? Dock? When did these happen?" "Bathroom? Why in the world were you and Fang kissing in the bathroom?" "I think we all remember the submarine," Nudge said, giggling. --Max, Fang, Ella, and the others in the ff Internet Fiasco "Okay, well, guys. Crazy fans talk about couples. There's Fax," I gestured to Fang and I, "Eggy, which is Ella and Iggy, Niggy, which is Nudge and Iggy, Nazzy, which is Gazzy with Nudge, and then there's Miggy." I stared pointedly at Iggy, but of course he did see. "Oh, wow. That's interesting," Nudge said. Gazzy wouldn't quit staring at her with a weird look on his face. All the sudden, the room was filled with shouts. "Me and her?" "Excuse me!" "Wow, him? Really? I mean, no offense, but, honestly." "The only one that makes sense is Fax! This is crazy!" "How do they even blend the names together? Do they spend a lot of time on this?" "Okay, I didn't mean it that way - OW! - Quit smacking me!" "Did they just come up with this on their own?" "How come I don't have anyone?" "Hand me a book. I wanna know where they got this!" -Everyone in the ff Internet Fiasco "Merry Christmas," he replied. We leaned and kissed warmly. Fang put one hand behind my head and I sighed, parting my lips slightly. "Hey now. This is a family event," Iggy warned. I flipped him off and pulled Fang closer. "Max!" Mom snapped. -Max, Fang, Iggy, and Dr.M in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe "Oh. You don't have one, do you? Especially since you have the real me under your sheets," Fang teased. My mouth dropped open. "Fang! In front of my mom?" "Wherever you want, sugar," he smirked. I gave a disbelieving laugh. "Okay, I'm leaving," I stated. But I couldn't resist one more kiss. A kiss that got hot fast. I pushed him down. "Fang, the more you rest now, the more of this we can do later," I pointed out. And before you get any weird ideas, Fang and I have not had sex, nor will we any time soon. "Max, you know I am not a patient man," Fang pulled me in close, kissing my neck. Mom pulled us apart. "That's it, out," she snapped. I rolled my eyes and Fang laughed. Oh, that boy. -Max, Fang, and Dr. M in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe Slowly, my boyfriend looked over at me, and I smiled. "You really are okay," I breathed. Fang blinked again and gave me a weak smile. "Of course I'm okay. I am a vampire, after all." I felt my eyes get wet, and I pushed the tears back. "So you admit it! I knew it all along." -Max and Fang in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe I felt his claws cut my leg as he fell, and he moved to attack me further. Then a black figure shot over me and pinned the Eraser to the ground. I heard Fang say something with each pound to the Erasers face. "Keep-your-paws-off-my-girlfriend!" he snarled. What a bizarrely romantic moment. -Max and Fang in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe "Gross!" Gazzy protested. "Just because we know you're dating doesn't mean you can do that in public!" he whined. "I think it's sweet," Ella said. "Oh, does it annoy you when I do this?" Fang said, and before I could react, he grabbed me and started French kissing me. "EEEW!" Gazzy shrieked. I pushed him off, and I could tell my face was bright red. "Fang!" I snapped. "Not now." "Not now?" Iggy asked. "Just keep it down later, please. I don't want to hear you in the middle of the night," -Gazzy, Ella, Fang, Iggy, and Max in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe Then Nudge and Gazzy got in a fight about the lyrics, and Iggy started wailing the song in an opera-style voice. Mom gave up and sent us all to bed. -Nudg, Iggy, and Gazzy in th ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe Uh, I mean, um…okay who am I kidding? Fang is hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. With a capital "H", the-sun's-got-competition hot. But I would never let him know that. -Max in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe Every time we were out in public, downtown our just at the grocery store, girls were mentally undressing Fang. -Max in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe And my mom bakes killer cookies. Killer as in amazing, unlike my cookies, which actually kill people. -Max in the ff Heartbreak and Mistletoe And that's when I slapped him, if played in slow motion you would be able to see the whip lash he got from that smack. "You go girl!" Iggy shouted from across the hall, earning a slap from Ella, his soon to be girlfriend in my opinion. -Max and Iggy in the ff Good Things Do Come Out of Being Ill "Fang, I'm blind, I can't see the nods you count as answers to my questions, speak man," I snapped at him. -Iggy in the ff Good Things Do Come Out of Being Ill "What do you mean, code FIL? Flammables in lock down? Seriously? How can they be in lock down? When did this happen? Goddammit, I knew the frickin' government would start getting suspicious after that mysterious mining explosion last month. I told Gazzy to hide the evidence." Iggy cursed under his breath, clearing out his locker and slamming the door shut. -Iggy in the ff The Universe Hates Me She didn't know that he could spend hours watching old Criminal Mind reruns and if you tried to talk to him other than during a commercial it very well could be one of the scariest moments of your life. -Max talking about Fang who is apparently obsessed with criminal minds in the ff The universe Hates Me Yeah, right. Remember, I know what goes on in your head. I know you have a soft spot for Emo guys. I think it was smirking! -Max and the Voice in Inner Demons "Guys, not around me. Get a room." "We did. Heck, we got a house full of them." I said a bit upset.- Gazzy and Iggy in the ff The Ring But the real world also had McDonalds, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad. -Max in the ff Crash He eyed the bottle of shampoo, worried. "Isn't that woman's shampoo?" "Yeah. So? Shampoo is shampoo." "I don't wanna frolick around smelling like a field of flowers." I rolled my eyes. "It doesn't smell like flowers. It just smells like baby powder. It's an innocent scent, and much better than eau de pumkin cookie dough. Just lean your head back." "I don't wanna smell like a baby's butt either." "Damnit Fang, just lean your head back!" I shouted. He grinned. Bastard. -Max and Fang in the ff That's Just How It Is "You went to the mall with Fang. Is there something I'm not seeing between you to?" I asked. "Yes," Iggy said sarcastically, "I'm cheating on you with a married man at the mall." Fang had a look that said, "Just kill me now." -Ella, Iggy, and Fang in the ff The Ring "We're so sorry for making those bombs!" Gazzy said. "Yeah, we promise to abandon our pyromaniac ways," Iggy promised. -Iggy and Gazzy in Maximum Ride: Singing Sensation (When i read those lines my face was like, :":O" "Well, we have our shifts to be with you so you don't have to worry. Ella has a Taser, Angel has pepper spray and I have my stilettoes!" Nudge comforted me and I smiled at my friends attempts to keep me safe. -Nudge (haha i love nudge) So here I was in my room and what was I doing? Shooting darts at Lissa's picture. "I. Hate. You. You. Effin. Female. Dog!" I punctuated each with a dart between the eyes. Since I can't use the b word or the f word, I improvise. -Max in the ff Meet the great Maximum Ride: Singing Sensation Your so fake, Barbie is jealous. "No I didn't I forgot" I said jokingly and flirtingly at the same time. -FANG SAID THAT in FaximumRide No that wasn't Omega. It couldn't be because one, Omega didn't have wings and this look-a- like did and two, this guy was less perfect looking. Not that I thought Omega was hot, he was just perfect, perfect looking, not perfect. The only guy even close to perfect was Fang. And he was perfect looking too. NO! STOP IT MAX, CONCENTRATE! I mentally yelled at myself. -Max in the ff Faximum Ride And right here is the part where I wanted to scream at them to shut up and let me sleep. Someone else did it for me. "If you all do not go away right now, and let her sleep, I will murder you. That is, if she doesn't first," growled a voice that seemed extremely close to my ear. "Okay, scary Fang has entered the room. I'm out," announced the first voice, and I heard the sounds of someone going down the stairs. -Iggy, Max, and Fang in the ff Fax Alphabet Soup "Screw the world," I yelled loudly, twisting my finger this way and that, examining the mark. I looked up at Fang. "And you, too." -Max and Fang in the ff That's Just How It Is "Maybe Fang should counsel you," I said to Gaz. "Give you a seminar or something. 'How Not to Get Pummeled By Max.' " I smiled cheerfully at the thought. "Then, I wouldn't have to deal with you, and you wouldn't have to worry about me killing you in your sleep." "I feel so loved," the Gasman muttered under his breath. "Keep feeling loved," I said cheekily. Gazzy made a face but didn't comment. -Max and Gazzy in the ff That's Just How It Is "Max?" Nudge called after a minute or two and no sign of her. "Oh, my God! The bubbles ate her!" -Nudge in the ff Assignment Marriage It's the twenty-first century I think the guys can do their own laundry!" Max huffed, "I mean, how totally sexist! What is this 1956?" - Max in the ff Assignment Marriage Even though you were making out at a funeral?" Fang asked, sounding skeptical. "I'm sure you and Max have made out in way worse situations," Iggy said, leaning back in his chair. "No, not really," Max said, pulling out the chair across from him. "But Fang's been insulting the deceased all night, so he's got no right to talk about disrespect." "Max, she beat me with her cane," Fang stated calmly, sounding impatient. "You probably deserved it," Ella piped up. "Yeah," Max said, the smile evident in her voice, "he probably did. Being a gang member and all. Corrupting the world's youth." "You know how it is," Fang said smugly. "And may she rest in peace," Ella breathed. -Ella, Iggy, Fang, and Max in the ff Internet Fiasco Everyone has the right to be stupid but you're abusing the priviledge. -unknown (haha i can see Max saying this to Fang or Iggy) A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. -unknown I made an annoyed noise with my throat. "Did he now? Okay, fine. I'll go. Right after I give Fang a severe tongue-lashing." A choked giggle came from Lissa. "I'm sure you will, Max." I flushed. "I meant I'll...oh, you know what? Never. Mind. See you Saturday, Lissa." -Max and lissa in the ff The Damn List "Look what the biogenetically altered cat dragged in," Max said. "You know, I thought you'd be weaned off the bottle by now. Mommy Dearest still keeping close tabs?" -Max in the ff Emotions I nodded, just as she asked me where I wanted my tattoo. I grinned as an idea occurred to me, and I lifted off my t-shirt. "Here." I pointed to just above my heart. "Buzz and I will be together forever." -Fang in the ff The Universe Hates Me "You could always push me off a roof and break my arm so I have an excuse not to," I said hopefully. -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is Angel took her pony and had it scamper over to Fang's who looked like he was having suicidal thoughts at the moment. "'Tina,'" Angel talked for her pony in a somewhat bossy tone. Uh oh. "'Go get me and Holly some chocolate pudding!'"Wait, maybe this won't be so bad. Fang cocked his eyebrow, silently asking if Angel was being serious. She was. Then he looked at me asking same thing. I smiled deviously, "'Yeah, Tina.'" I say for my pony just like Angel did. "'Go get us chocolate pudding.'" -Max, Angel and Tine (Fang) in the ff Assignment Marriage "Here you go, Fang." Angel said handing him a dark purple pony with a grape tattoo on its butt. "That one's named Tina." Fang stared at the pony in his hand and then looked at me with an, I Dare You To Say Something, look. I had to swallow my laughter for Angel's sake. -Max, Angel, and Fang in the ff Assignment Marriage First our pleasures die - and then Our hopes, and then our fears - and when These are dead, the debt is due, Dust claims dust - and we die too. 20 years is a long time to live for, especially if you don't have a lifeline. -Nudge in the ff Letters to Fang "Hey, Maxi!" She's the only one who can get away with calling me that. "I already miss you so freaking much! How's the boarding school?" "It sucks. I'm married." I say walking up the stairs into the bedroom. -Max and JJ in the ff Assignment Marriage Nudge and I stormed down the hallways angrily followed by our-Dear, God-…husbands. Well, I at least stormed; Nudge was secretly jumping for joy. Traitor. -Max and Nudge in the ff Assignment Marriage "Oh God," Iggy moaned, "death by fondue. I knew it was only a matter of time." "Shut up Iggy," I reprimanded. "We're not going to kill you." -Max and Iggy in the ff Diary Entries "Fang isn't bad," she assured me. "I love him. He's great." Yeah, as great as people dying in Africa. "And, you know, I'm his sister and everything, but even I can admit that he's really hot." That's just gross. She's his sister. "And it's Christmas. There's gonna be mistletoe...my mission is to get you guys together. Ah, you'd be the cutest couple ever!" HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. -Max and Ella in the ff A Fax Christmas I narrowed my eyes at him, tightening my legs around the bar above me for fear of falling. "Excuse me, but I believe that the wording was something like 'be kissed in the rain'. Not kiss someone in the rain." Fang sighed heartily and rolled his eyes. "Women." "You'd much rather be kissing a man, wouldn't y-" I started to say, but was cut off by his lips. Mother of God... I'd been kissed and I'd kissed guys and despite my last boyfriend being a complete jerk, he did know how to kiss decently enough. But holy hell, That Jerk had nothing on Fang. -Max in the ff the Damn List "Don't worry about it, Angel," I found myself saying, "Auntie Fang knows what's best for you." -Max in the ff The Damn List And was just standing there like, Oh my God, Fang has a mothering instinct. What. The. Fnick. -Max in the ff The Damn List "My name is seven-five-nine-nine-three-nine-ex-dash-one. Junior."- Max "Your mom." Fang replied easily. "Wow thanks, very mature comeback." I grumbled rolling my eyes and pushing myself up. "No, literally. Your mom's here." He explained holding back a laugh. -Max and Fang in the ff Popcorn Toss "It goes good." His typical response. "About Saturday, is there one?" Fang asked delicately since this is defined as a sensitive subject. "Of course there's a Saturday silly, or else Friday and Sunday would be next to each other and you know how they like to fight." I mocked half-heartedly. -Max and Fang in the ff Popcorn Toss Two words, that's all it took. Only two words could send shivers along my spine and turns my blood to ice. Something so simple to shot fear straight into my heart like a syringe: Valentines Day. -Max in the ff Popcorn Toss "He. Was. Gay." Iggy seethed, his pale face turning a nice shade of bright red. -Iggy in the ff Popcorn Toss "Max," Fang started tensely. "I have pizza dough. On. My. Head." He growled. Lifting up a corner to reveal his face, I must say, it looked pissed. -Max and Fang in the ff Popcorn Toss "S-so, Max, are you gonna be his dancing queen!" Iggy asked between laughs. "I dunno, Iggy, I-I think your… living on a prayer with that one!" Ella responded. -Ella and Iggy in the ff Dare, or Truth "Wow, I knew the government was plotting to kill originality, but I didn't know they got to you, too, Max." -Iggy in the ff Dare, or Truth? "No Bubblegum Pony! They evil blob is around the Maple Berry Lane! Not the Crystal Palace!" I hear Iggy shriek. This is scary. -Iggy and Fang from the ff Linked by a Pen Dear fellow people of this fine establishment," the general started. "Gotcha! We are the ninjas of the night, an organization who is always hungry for danger, mischief, and cheeseburgers. Forgive us for our intrusions, but I think we have helped you out by pointing out the flaws in your security system. Don't feel bad, Sensei Yamagota had taught us well and our skills are well above that of the skills you think you posses. Count on this, my fellow penguin, we will be back and we will take no food prisoners. We will eat all your food with no mercy." The general looked up from the letter with an explosive look in his eyes finishing with, "Sincerely, Ninjas of the Night." -Iggy wrote the note in the ff Sir, Yes, Sir "Hey guys, just F.Y.I, I changed my name from Shopping Queen to Bodacious Outstanding Brave Oatmeal because I just had some this morning and now I feel like I can do anything hence the 'Brave' in my new name..." - "Let's just call her Bobo for short," Angel interrupted. Nudge and Angel in the ff Sir, Yes, Sir Yes, you have my permission to be jealous, but please don't drool on my awesomeness. -Me Boy? Did she just refer to me as a 'boy'? I'm definitely not a boy. Man is more like it. -Fang in the ff Sir, Yes, Sir (Whatever helps you sleep at night Fangles) "Need some training wheels for those shoes?" Fang mocked, and I snarled. Of course. Of course he wouldn't be magically impressed, like Angel tried to convince me. This was Fang, who considered a non-blood-stained shirt fashionable and was not afraid to eat roasted desert rat and enjoy it. He found me completely ridiculous – And I could not disagree. "What's with the funeral suit? Did your dignity die?" I shot back. "No – yours did." "Only because it looked at your ugly face. What's with the freeze-dried hair? I'm pretty sure that if you were in a windstorm, you would break before your hair would." "At least my hair looks better than yours." "Ha – you wish. At least my hairstyle is suitable for my gender." "Ooooh, burn," Iggy retorted, cackling. Fang narrowed his eyes. "At least I can attract the opposite gender," Fang retorted. "Yeah – the desperate, get-in-your-pants girls," I reputed glaring. "What makes you more attractive, Ms. Ride – the glob of make-up on your face or the slinky dress you're in?" "Slinky? Wanna come closer and say that again, man-slut?" "Man-slut? How in the world am I a man-slut? And I'm not slinky, I'm sexy." "I've seen a pig's butt sexier than you." "Must have been one sexy pig." "Or you just have one ugly butt of a face." "I think we've established already that my face is quite sexy." "When?" "Just now." "In your dreams." "In your dreams." "Oh yeah? Let's take a poll on your sexiness. Who all thinks Fang is too hot to resist?" The room fell awkwardly silent. "I'd rather not think about that, nor give any answer," Iggy muttered. "Uh," was Nudge's great response. "You're an idiot, Max," Fang said, smirking. "Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people." "Listen, are you always this stupid, or are you just making a special effort today?" "Is it time for you medication, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Obnoxious?" "You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light." "They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up." "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma." "If I throw a stick, will you leave?" "But Maxie, you love me THIS MUCH!" "That was the drugs talking!" "More like your hormones!" "Okay, guys, it's time to go!" my mom said, entering the room. Then, she froze, seeing Fang and I battling it out. "If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person I alive!" I retort. "Keep talking – maybe someday you'll say something intelligent!" Fang snarled. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom lean over to Angel, and I hear her ask, "What are they doing?" Angel gave a small chuckle. "This is the closest those two will ever get to flirting." -Max, Fang, the flock, and Dr. M. in the ff I Don't Do Formal I glared at him and opened my mouth to defend myself when my walkie-talkie beeped and Angel's voice sounded on the other side, "The fungus is infecting the toenail!" "Does she always have to tell everyone about my medical history?" Gazzy threw his hands in the air. "Gaz," Nudge began slowly, trying to contain her laughter, "that means the general is coming." -Max, Gazzy, Nudge, and Angel in the ff Sir, Yes, Sir "Ok," I said, hanging my head, "I'll tell you," I said helplessly as Fang took a step closer. "I'm scared of unicorns," I whispered. Fang straightened up and glared at me. "What?" I asked innocently. "Are they a horse or a rhino? They can't be both! And how did they get that horn? Did they have a brain aneurism or something because what if I get a brain aneurism? I don't want to sprout a horn!" I rambled, praying Fang would forget the whole conversation. -Max and Fang in the ff Sir, Yes, Sir You don't have a dog," Nudge reminded me. "Yes I do." I patted Fang's head. "Sit." -Max and Nudge in the ff That's Just How It Is Fang tells his parents that he's through living with their standards and comes over to my house and sweeps me off my feet and carries me into the sunset where we decide to book a plane to Hawaii with money we suddenly have and spend the rest of our happy teenage lives there. -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is Fang moves and finds a girlfriend and never speaks to me again and I become emo and die with five cats as my only company. Let's hope option one doesn't happen. -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is "I think I'll manage to not get eaten by a wild boar between here and the porch." -Max in the ff Crash Me, on the outside: Cool as a popsicle, bro. Me, on the inside: ASDFGHJKL FANG IN BLUE THAT IS SO WEIRD AIGHAFGHUAD IM NERVOUS BLAHHH BLAH AAAHHH BACON AAAHHH...I'm a simple-minded child. Bacon is always on the mind. -Max in the ff Thta's Just How It Is "Ella, for the last time, I'm not nervous," I sighed. Which was a total lie. Butterflies were doing the tango in my stomach. Some were even playing cards. I wonder, when butterflies fall in love and get nervous, do humans appear in their stomach and start tickling them like crazy? That would be entertaining. -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is If Max had been there to witness my weakness, she would've hit me upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. Or a crowbar. I would bet on the crowbar. -Fang in the ff That's Just How It Is "What?" Ella demanded, seeing my look of horror. "You just threw out bacon," I managed. Ella raised her eyebrows. "So?" I gasped again. "You're so heartless!" Seriously, what was wrong with her? Didn't she see that bacon was clearly sent from above and shouldn't be tossed away like it was nothing? Poor bacon. I could only imagine it sitting there in the bottom of the can, covered in damp, crumpled paper towels and orange peels. . .Stay strong, Max. You can make more bacon later. I took a deep breath and left the room. I went upstairs and plopped down on my favorite beanbag chair. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Become Yoga Max. Heh heh, that sounds like Yoda. -Max and Ella in the ff That's Just How It Is (Yeah, Max is spazy...why? Fang asked her out on a date XD) Fang grinned. "I sleep naked every night, dear. Always be prepared is my motto." -Fang in the ff Crash "I love you, too, Max… Now go marry Fang." -Iggy in the ff Be My Saviour best advice...EVER! "Guess what? I think I have feet!" he yelled. "No kidding, Ig." I couldn't help myself. What kind of thoughts go through that bird-kid's head? I guess I was finding out, whether I wanted to or not."And wings! What if my feet were my wings? That would be weird," he said. "What do I see in him?" Ella said with a grin, looking at me. -Max, Ella, and Iggy on valium in the ff Falling in Love and Other Complicated Things OMG!...I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"...Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"Stall: "So what are you up to?"...Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."Stall: "Can I come over?" ... Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!" -Me in a restroom "Do you want to wake up in this world, or wake up in the next one?" I screeched at him. "'Cuz that's the difference it'll make if you tell me. I know you know!" -Max in the ff The Expiration Date "Prince Charming, tall dark and handsome. Yeah, yeah it does. Except I'm not like Cinderella." "Nope you're better. You can kick ass. He told me the other passengers have been talking about us. Sounded like a fairytale to me." -Max and Fang in the ff Love of a Lifetime "You honestly thought I was leaving you out here? Woman you've lost it." -Fang in the ff Love of a Lifetime (Awwww) Everyone switched their powers and personalities. Max could shape shift and create deadly bombs, Fang would fart loudly and talk a lot as well as read peoples minds, Iggy could see and was magnetic, Nudge was quiet and could fly and super fast speeds, Gazzy was blind and scolding everyone, and Angel was a technology whiz. -Ella in the ff Please Type Your Answers on the Blank Provided Constipated People Don't Give A crap- Unknown Nudge decided she wanted to try out for the college lacrosse team, but she was only ten years old, and then she went there, and she made the team. Max wanted to be a cheerleader, and she was wearing a really short skirt and really tight top. Iggy and Gazzy decided to be the new religious history teachers. Weird. -Fang in the ff Please Type Your Answers on the Blank Provided "I dare you to bark like a dog whenever someone says your name until your next turn." "O…kay?" Max accepted. Choruses of "Hey, Max!" were followed by grumbles and barks. "You guys are cruel, you know that? Cruel!" "Whatever, Max," Fang grinned. "FREAKING WOOF!" Max shouted grouchily. "Ella, truth or dare." -Max, Iggy, and Fang in the ff Fax Alphabet Soup Ella, how can you be laughing at a time like this?" Angel mourned. "I can already see it on the headlines. Innocent bear killed by ruthless odor. Oh, the tragedy!" -Angel in the ff Fax Alphabet Soup I have this really neat scar that looks a lot like Africa on my back and I've got 'Experiment 15' tattooed on my ankle. Does that count? -Fang in the ff Dr. M's Rules "Don't cross me Dylan, I am a badass seven year-old!" -Angel in the ff Nothing but the Truth You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same. "You're a good friend and I love you and all...but if we ever get chased by zombies, I'm totally tripping you." Fang could turn men gay, but he wouldn't be gay with them. It's like a hit and run thing. - From Edward Addict (BEST FRIGGIN' THING EVER) "You assaulted an un-armed teenager, you snuck out in the middle of the night, and you, you…I don't know what else you did but I bet it has something to do with why the national debt is so high!" - Max to Fang in Phoenix Fanatics Diary of a Lovesick Mutant "Hello? Anyone home? Fang, Fang, FANG FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP SNIFFING ME AND PAY ATTENTION!" She yelled. -Max in the ff 17 "Iggy… there aren't any life-threatening objects in here… correct? Like, a huge snake or a nuclear bomb, correct?" He just laughed. "I wouldn't kill you on your birthday." "Well that's reassuring…" I mumbled, but opened the box. -Max and Iggy in the ff Project: Family "It's not –haha- the bu-bubbles –haha- it's your f-face!" I said, still hysterical. -Max in the ff Project: Family (Is it me or does Max sound a bit crazy here? o.O LOL Max) And I really don't get what kind of comment would make The Emotionless One blush. -Max in the ff Project: Family (Hahaha oh Max, I love your nicknames for Fang) It's like he's lost in his own world filled with black T-shirts and lots of rain. Because I doubt his fantasies are all sunny and shiny, are they? I thought not. -Max in the ff Project: Family "Yeah," Fang said beside me. "She is." I gaped at him. "Y-you spoke! You spoke without being told to! The world is ending!" I teased. He glared. -Max and Fang in the ff Project: Family FANG, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU GOT HER PREGNANT I WILL CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!" Nudge said, her voice rising to shriek as her speech ended. Her eyes were wide, a look of pure terror on her face as she accused me of...doing something that I'd never be stupid enough to do. -Fang and Nudge in the ff The Universe Hates Me " Gosh," I said. "It's like looking in a mirror." I shoved Fang's shoulder. "Go!" I hissed. We both stepped out of the alcove we'd been crouching in, and shot down the hallway as if the hounds of hell were after us. Well, they kind of were. -Max and Fang in the ff That's Just How It Is "I had a dream." "You sound like Martin Luther King." -Max and Fang in the ff Love of a Lifetime "I'll be fine. There's a reason why the doctors are letting me out." "Yeah. Because you threatened to kill their family." She shrugged with her hands. "Still, they let me out." -Max and Fang in the ff Love of a Lifetime "This isn't called being babied. It's called keeping a friend from tearing open their one week old bullet hole in their chest." -Iggy in the ff Love of a Lifetime "I got your back." He winked and his eyes gleamed in the dark. I swallowed. "Um ok. I got Chumpy, you get Lumpy." -Max and Fang in the ff Love of a Lifetime "Die. Die. Die. Die. Die!" Fang started throwing a bunch of his unlimited ninja stars down at Iggy. -Fang and Iggy in the ff Maximum Ride Random Things "You know, code FIL, 'Flammables in Lockdown'. Nudge, that's what you just said." "No, I said codeFIL. You know, 'Fang's in Love'. Isn't that what it stands for?" "What? No, that's code SIATGD," he said nonchalantly as he flipped his phone closed. "Dammit, woman, don't scare me like that again." She glared at him before she spat, "Why the hell would I care about the lockdown of flammables?" Iggy looked at her with an expression mixed between disgust and hurt as he clutched the area of his chest where his heart would be. "Don't you dare talk about my babies like that." "Fine. Whatever, Iggy. We have more pressing issues to discuss here, okay? What's Code SIATGO? What the hell does that stand for?" "Duh, it's 'Shit Is About To Go Down.'" He rolled her eyes at her, as if it was the most obvious things. "Because you know if Fang is in love, the fucking apocalypse is coming." She groaned as she muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like, "The Lord is testing me." -Nudge and Iggy in the ff The universe Hates Me "Okay, true. Fang is the ninja, but then I'm a grilled cheese sandwich." I said. "Yum." "Shut up Fang." "Hey, my teenager hormones are the ones to blame." "Do you even know what teenage hormones means?" "No..." -Max and Fang in the ff Maximum Ride Random Things "Oh snap! That girl just burned you!" said Fang. -Fang in the ff Maximum Ride Random Things Nudge started singing Single Ladies by Beyonce, and Angel started fighting with the Chuck E. Cheese mascot guy. -Nudge and Angel in the ff Maximum Ride Random Things "She's...dead. The devil's dead. The mind reader's dead... WE'RE FREE!" -Fang in the ff Maximum Ride Random Things "No, this one's different. She's crazy crazy. Totally off her rocker. She tried to jump me in History." -Fang in the ff Crash "Rot in the pits of Bacon-less Land."- Max in the ff That's Just How It Is "Not all the 'dark and silent' population are tortured. You're just fun to throw stuff at."- Max in the ff That's Just How It Is Fang...I-I love you. -Max in the ff The Truth Comes Out (Now you may think "What the heck! This isn't die hard funny!" but hear me out. Ok, so the whole story had been in Fang's point of view, and I had skipped the part where it switched into Max's POV because it was only two lines. So, I thought we were in still Fang's POV, and I was so confused thinking "What the pickle? Why is he telling himself that he loves himself when Max is clearly sitting on his hospital bed?" It took me a while to realize I was in Max's POV. That's why it was extrememly awkward when I read they were kissing because I thought it was Fang and Fang. Me and my blonde moments) Oh my God. Fang, saying something sweetly? Usually Fang talks with no emotion whatsoever, but when he does use emotion, he sounds sweet. That was so not like him. Hell must be freezing over. Or maybe Fang was like, the brooding poet type. Secretly. -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is Dylan just smiled at me, and I couldn't help but think he was plotting a million ways to choke me with my own Rita's ice cream. (Good logic, Max) -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is "It's not bad," I contradicted. Okay, yes, it was. I-wanna-rip-my-hair-out-and-tie-you-to-the-ceiling-by-your-toes bad. "It's just I don't feel like talking about it right now. Forgive and forget, y'know?" HA. As if. I'd be spending the next three weeks getting revenge on him. -Max in the ff That's Just How It Is Luckily, I've always been ninja-like and managed to twist around and land on my hands and knees, like a cat or Spiderman or something.- Max in the ff That's Just How It Is ( That would be so badass) "Soo," she said as she sat down on a desk. Poor desk. -Fang and Lissa in the ff That's Just How It Is "So you're ditching Ella to walk with me? I'm honored." "Ella tried to dress me up, therefore Ella was left behind," I retorted.- Max and Fang in the ff That's Just How It Is I rolled my eyes and settled against the headboard of the bed. Ella was giving me one of her famous evil grins. Oh God. She was planning something."Max, would you prefer pink roses or white roses at your wedding?" I whipped a pillow at her. -Max and Ella talking about Fang in the ff That's Just How It Is "I don't know. But Fang was carrying you inside." Ella waggled her eyebrows at me and I barely stopped myself from hissing at her.- Max and Ella in the ff That's Just How It Is "You had me at experimentation. I am so in. Who doesn't have an irrational fear of needles and genetic testing that renders them a freak? Me, that's who!" -Max in the ff I'll Spend My Last Days with You "Fang," I whispered. He didn't stir. I said it four thousand times more, then I finally just shook the hell out of him until he was screaming at me, pinning me to the bed. "What do you want, WOMAN!" -Max and Fang in the ff A Fax Christmas HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. As cute as llamas with machine guns blowing up the dying people in Africa. -Max in the ff A Fax Christmas "I have a boyfriend," I blurted out, covering my mouth with my hands. My cheeks burned as I thought, Oh God, what is wrong with me? A look of amusement crossed his face. "When do I get to meet him?" I stuck my tongue out at him and pushed him away from me. "Go look in the mirror, you idiot." -Fang and Max in the ff I'll Spend My Last Days with You The library is a place for gaining knowledge, and I am glad that you all have library cards, but stop going just to spitball at the librarians. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Yelling 'BUUUURN!' every time I scold someone is not allowed either. This is only acceptable when something is really on fire. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Yelling 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!' whenever Max discusses anything is not acceptable. - Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do No-one in my house is a ninja. Therefore no swords are allowed. - Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Wings are not classified as clothes, so it's still counted as streaking, Iggy.- Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do (Oh Iggy XD) Sorry to break it to you, Gazzy, but the gerbils are not coming for you. So stop trying to get away with screaming at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night, claiming that there is a gerbil under your bed. We all know that you have no problem with rodents. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Try as you much as you want, lying in the sun in your bathing suit with your wings outstretched will give you a nice tan, but it won't work on your wings. Wings cannot tan, end of story. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Never land on moving vehicles. It scares the hell out of the drivers. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Iggy, you're not allowed to enter Fang into a male underwear-modelling competition. Period. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Just because Iggy says that Gazzy resembles a penguin, doesn't mean he IS one. - Dr M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do (But-but-but it is true!! :O) If I hear one more complaint from the neighbours next door that 'the bomb killed the dog' I will kill YOU. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Nudge, you need to stop making silverware fly across resturaunts. It scares people when their fork whacks them in the face. -Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Do not scream like crazies when you see fried chicken. No matter how many times Iggy tells you its cannibalism, don't listen.- Dr. M in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Do not free exotic birds from the local pet store, claiming that you're setting your family free. Just because you have avian DNA, doesn't mean you're related to parrots. –Dr. M the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Max, don't fly low over houses screaming "Now you see me, now you don't!" before going into hyper-speed. It scares the neighbours and I am sick of hearing about 'UFO' sightings. -Dr. M the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Never allow Gazzy to mimic Miley Cyrus around Iggy. It's just cruel and wrong. – Dr. M the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do (Think of the children Gazzy!) You're not a super-hero team called 'The Avians' so stop saying that you are. -Dr.M's list in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do (I can see the flock actually doing this..) Blasting "I believe I can fly!" in the middle of the night at full volume is not appreciated by the neighbours. -Dr.M's list in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Just because Fang has black wings does not make him Batman. End of story. -Dr.M's list in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do (Really, Iggy, can you see Fang in tights? ) Don't make random bets with people saying that you can 'Fly to the top of the tree!' and then attempt to fly Superman style. Yes, you can fly, but you use wings. Putting your fist in front of you and wearing your underwear on the outside won't help. -Dr.M's list in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do Never point at random people and yell "Daddy!" Just because you don't know who your parents are does not make it acceptable – doing this to females is particularly not allowed. -Dr.M's list in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do The trampoline next door is not a good landing area, not matter what Iggy says. -Dr. M's list in the ff Things the Flock Aren't Allowed to Do I swear that kittens died somewhere in Africa. -Max in the ff Crash "You forgot to add the 'with an IQ below sixty' to that group of people," I pointed out. "Now excuse me, I'm going to do something fun, like bash my head against a wall." -Max in the ff Crash "That was beautiful" Total dramatically said, wiping tears from his eyes with his paw. -Total in the ff The Shot Heard 'Round the World.. For all you Fax lovers who really don't like Dylan I suggest this one(: I took a bite of the cookie and chewed. "Hmm," I said, trying not to spit crumbs. "Clear with vanilla notes, too-sweet chocolate chips, distinct flavor of brown sugar. A descent cookie, not spectacular. Still, a good hearted cookie, not pretentious." I turned to Fang. "What say you?" They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing. Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. -Max in MAX "Those wacky Brits called fries 'chips'. And potato chips were 'crisps'. And cookies were 'biscuits'. I had no idea what real biscuits were called. Wangdoodles?" ~Max in STWAOES Fang! Come Back!" I started pulling his hair. Shaking his head and shoulders. Hard. "Wake up! Snap out of it! You stupid jerk! I am going to kill you if you die on me!"-Max in FANG "Jackpot, Max! Jackpot!" It was Fang and he was giggling hysterically. "Man, you weigh a freaking ton! What have you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" –Max and Fang in TAE "Where does the toothpaste cap go?" Iggy asked. "Below the Hot Wheels tires," Gazzy responded. "I've got a timer on this and its set to go off ten minutes after we finish," "Where do you want to put it?" "I'm thinking Fang's bed."-Iggy and Gazzy in the ff How Many Mintues in Twenty Years? "Whats with the chewing gum?" "It makes us look more American," "Oh," -Nate in Godzilla Iggy hopped around in circles, clapping with delight... What an odd boy. -Max in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak "Nooo!The whole flock will hate you for this, Max! They. Will. Rebel. There will be mutiny! There will be justice! You know what, that's it! I'm going to get you back for this, Max! GAZZY! WE HAVE NEFARIOUS PLANNING TO DO!" -Iggy after Max banished him from the kitchen in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak "It was so freaking bad, so like hell, I expected the devil to show up in red lace panties!" -Max in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak "Fang," Max said quietly, dangerous, "Move, before I freaking castrate you." Fang couldn't help it - he winced. -Max and Fang in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak "No! NO! ATTACK! Heeelllppp!" I cried. The mall cops took a look at me and my 'attacker', and then you know what the idiots did? They started laughing. And pointing. One shouted, "Good luck, kid!" -Max and the mallcops in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak An old lady kissed me?" Iggy shrieked, sounding like a girl. "Yeah," Fang said, coughing to hide his laughter. "The one you said smelt 'like wonderful, soft lavender, swaying in a summer's breeze'." -Fang and Iggy in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak My furious words were cut off with a pair of invisible lips. I kissed him back, because hey, it was better then nothing. But have you ever kissed your invisible boyfriend? It has got to be the oddest thing you can do. Ever. -Max in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak "I think Fang is a bit arrogant. Actually, he's a complete asshole," I told them, shooting Fang a look out the corner of my eyes. He just grinned wider, and mouthed, You know you can't resist me. Discreetly, I shot him the bird under the pretense of scratching my ear. -Max and Fang in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak Quick recap: her name is Angel. Her name is Angel for a reason. She has golden hair that hangs in ringlets down her back. Her eyes are wide and blue and sparkly. She looks like a freaking cherub. She looks like the damn human incarnation of Bambi! Fang was gone. I was gone. So you know what that means, right? It means that Nudge is going to read us a FanFiction. About Avian bird flu. DEATH TO BAMBI. -Max in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak So it all worked out well in the end. Iggy got a cutesy little nickname. And a bruise. That's all I ask for in life. -Max in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak Fang. Laughing. In the same sentence. PREPARE FOR THE FREAKING APOCOLYPSE, PEOPLE! "Um, Fang?" I asked timidly. He had rescued his laptop from me, and was reading something... uh-oh... "Fang, are you OK? You're not sick, are you? Oh, God, he's laughing. He's either about to die, or on drugs... NyQuil? Or hallucinogens? God, what if it's," my voice lowered to a sinister whisper, "Valium?" I don't think I was entirely joking, either. "This one... has you... pr-pregnant," Fang managed between snickers. He also gave me a Look, and he mouthed, You love me thiiiiis much! Bastard. -Max and Fang in the super funny ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak "What?" Fang and I shrieked. Well, I shrieked; he yelled. He was far too macho to shriek. You know, I think guys reckon that shrieking reduces copious amounts of testosterone. Just like going into Victoria's Secret, or being sweet to little kids. Or, according to Fang's Macho-O-Metre, wearing colours other than black. Or speaking unnecessarily. Or smiling too often... -Max in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak But, being the calm, controlled leader I am – not some stupid, stubborn, in-need-of-anger-management weirdo, like, um, some people; heck no, not me – I kept my mouth closed and let her talk. Mind you, I had to bite my tongue so hard it drew blood to stop myself from shouting I TOLD YOU SO at the top of my lungs. -Max thinking these thoughts after Nudge read a Figgy fanfiction in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak I looked back at the screen. "FIGGY... Oh, God! No way! Fang and Iggy? Seriously, these people are messed up!" Fang and Iggy looked shocked, and then that transformed into a mixture of disgust and freaked-outedness. They looked horrified. It was, admittedly, funny. -Ella,Max,Fang,and Iggy in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak I looked up, eyebrows raised, and he nodded to his computer. I stood up, moving Angel's head off of my lap gently, and sighed, wondering if it would've been so hard for Fang to say, "come here, Max, I found something interesting." You know, like normal people, with voice-boxes. -Max and Fang in the ff The Daily Life of Your Average Mutant Bird Freak Dang, who knew that teenage girls are that strong? Well, I've only seen Ella and Nudge like this once. Justin Beiber concert. That's all I need to say. -Max in the ff Going to a Dance Club "Ugh, Max! How can you not have a single dress in your closet?" Nudge asked, looking annoyed, and like she was about to burst into tears."I don't like them, and you guys should know that by now." I said from the chair I was tied up to. I know. It's sad. -Max in the ff Going to a Dance Club Fang just stared at me with this gaze that just sorta screamed "you idiot. I don't want to end up in Switzerland again." Yeah. He was there too. - Max in the ff Going to a Dance Club (Facepalm) "No. We'll probably all get trashed, and possibly end up in Switzerland." You only make the mistake of going to some random club and ending up in Switzerland once.- Max in the ff Going to a Dance Club (I don't wanna know how that happened..) "IGGY, GIVE ME 2 MORE PLATES OR ELSE I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE AND FEED YOUR ASHES TO MY PET LLAMA."-Max in the ff Going to a Dance Club I wanted to march back in there, slap Jeb, and have Gazzy plant a bomb in his intestines. -Max in the ff Fax Alphabet Soup The doorbell rang, and I clenched my fists one last time. Looks like there'll be no more trouble for the day. Or fun, for that matter. I put on the cheeriest expression I could manage, which probably looked something like a tormented squid, and opened the door. -Max in the ff Fax Alphabet Soup "Max," he called again, "I know you're awake. You don't snore when you sleep…you sleep like a dead log. And that's saying something." He said wryly -Fang In the ff For One Night Only "Ok ok fine whatever," I said sitting up knowing she could go on as long as she wanted, and I really just wanted to get some sleep, "I told him how I felt-" "You have feelings?" Nudge said.- Max and Nudge in the ff Nevermore A pair of arms pulled away the curtain, and there was Fang. He wore a blue dress with purple flowers. It looked like it was from the sixties...wait what?!- Max in the ff Fashion Show Fang "I can't help it that I'm hot, Max" He smirked. I felt my face go red and my fits clench. Alright, so he is hot but he is clearly having too much fun seeing me pissed off. -Max and Fang in the ff Jealous "Yes, and I choose... Sang. I mean Sam, no Fang! Er Mam, Matt, wait no no no I choose Fang." I stammered- Max in the ff The Bachelorette: Maximum Ride Edition Oh God. I was pulling an Edward.- Fang in the ff Delicious Mexicans And to top it all off, the Gasman swept past us on a clown, yelling, "YEE-HAW!"... No wait, I take it back. The real cherry on top was when Iggy, on his own clown, rode by hollering at the top of his lungs, "FASTER, SLAVE! FASTER!" Really, Iggy? Really?- Max in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? "Sure, Angel. Gazzy… umm… I'll tell you what- if you can catch a clown, you can ride one." I knew that he could probably manage to corner one, but as long as I had nothing to do with it…- Max in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? Iggy stood up on his horse and bellowed, "What, you never seen a blind man ride a horse standing before? What's wrong wit chu, foo?"- Iggy in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? More choking sounds. Then silence... "So… who wants to play Go-Fish?"- Max in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? I don't know if you knew this, but as much as she talks, Nudge is terrible at mouthing things. So, as far as I could tell, she was saying,"Fax! Eggy miss smart cough tea smock! Abbreviation! Sniggy peed abbreviation!"- Max in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? "I can't, I'm dead," "Then get un-dead!" "Like a vampire? Well, you'd have to bite me for that, Fangy-poo." -Fang and Iggy in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? "All good initiations end with tapping someone's shoulders with a sword. But I wouldn't trust you with a sword, so we're using Angel's pink, sparkly wand."- Max in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? It was a perfect Hallmark moment. I had an overwhelming urge to sniff and wipe a fake tear, but I figured that it would ruin the moment, so I didn't. See? I'm above being immature. Mostly.- Max in the ff Be My Pretend Boyfriend? (Reading Max's mind? Pshh, what a ridiculous idea. Almost as ridiculous as me having a diary. Bwahaha, good joke, good joke.)- Fang in the ff Flash Sure, having wings is awesome, but there weren't any flying lions or floating pieces of Bacon to make the flight exciting. -Fang in the ff Flash "Can't we do something fun, like, bash our heads into walls?"- Iggy in the ff Flash Kansas. Iggy. Tigers. Mexicans. No other words are necessary. -Fang in the ff Flash Maybe they were going to try and create zombie moose or something. Now that'd be cool. I wouldn't mind fighting zombie moose.- Fang in the ff Flash But that can't be. She's the nicest lady around. It's not like she would blow up an airport or anything. Now that would just be weird.- Fang in the ff Flash I let my jaw drop open, looking from him to Fang and back. And then Iggy was smiling huge in a way he never does, and Fang was grinning in a way he hardly ever does, and I felt like skipping around like a ballerina, which I promise you, I never, ever do." -Max in MR4 "Oh yeah, 'cause Fang is all about the wordy share of feelings," -Max "I'll grab a zebra; Gaz, you fill all the bubbles with your trademark scent so people are choking and gagging; and let's throw beef jerky in their eyes! Now, that's a plan!" -Iggy in SOF "Fang? Are you - like Max?" "I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain." – Iggy in The Angel Experiment "I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahs!"- Gazzy in STWAOES “Boy, you just can't kill people like you used to,"- Fang in SOF "You.. are.. a.. fridge.. with.. wings;.. we.. are.. freaking.. ballet.. dancers!"- Fang “Apart from my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica,” - Fang in STWAOES "They have llamas, you like llamas,"- Max in MAX "You know me, I wouldn't be able to keep a goldfish alive,"- Max in ANGEL "I know everything, as I continue to remind you." –Fang “He's gonna be fine,” I confirmed. "Sorry! It's just so tempting! Except Iggy's mind, his thoughts kind of scare me…"- Angel in the ff Its Worth It by LearningToFall17 They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over. "What do we do? What do we do? Fang! We can do ANYTHING!" Iggy did a weird little twirl like the little girls do in movies. "We can blow crap up, we can flood the kitchen and swim in it, we can dress Total as superman and throw him off the roof!" -Iggy in Things that Happen When You Leave the Boys Alone "But my hair's messed up, and I'm not even wearing makeup, and-" I silenced her with a finger to her lips, secretly thanking whoever's up there that I didn't accidentally pick her nose or stick it in her mouth. -Iggy and Ella in a fanfiction "Your voice is annoying! That's more than enough of a good excuse to rip your head off!" Well, that's some genius logic right there. -Aria and Max in the ff Vanguard "Where are you going to go?"I looked down at the seven year-old who looked to be on the verge of tears again. "I gotta go buy an iPod or something," I mumbled, gently patting her curls and walking away. I'm gonna kill you, Fang. -Aria in the ff Vanguard "And that's what makes it about three thousand times worse! Max is fourteen freaking years-old, numbskull! She's hit puberty, and she's got no one to guide her through it! She's got these hormones that she doesn't know what the hell to do with, and just when she thinks that things are finally going well for her by having you around as her actual boyfriend, you freaking ABANDON her! It's a double whammy because you hurt both Max the Leader and Max the Girl! You deserted the flock—you broke away from the only family you've ever known so you could go off and make your own! On top of that, you dumped her! You dumped Maximum Ride!" -Aria in The Vanguard. "You know. Portmanteau. Like…'Bennifer' or 'Brangelina.' Only in Dylan and Max's cases, it'd be…Dylax? Mylan?" "Mylan sounds like Mylanta." "Mylan," I announced. "The cure for an upset…oh, no, I don't like that metaphor." Fang clenched his teeth and grimaced at me sourly. "Well, what about you?" I demanded defensively. "You'd either be 'Mang' or 'Fax.' Which do you prefer?" He glowered at me but didn't say a word again. I snorted and looked back up at the sky. "He may be her alleged other half, but you're her soul mate. I think that counts more than the other. Other halves imply a physical bond whereas soul mates are connected on a spiritual and emotional foundation on top of the physical." Fang smiled a little. -Aria in The Vanguard "Poisoning the girls' young minds! I don't want them to grow up and be like female Iggys!" -Max in the ff Storytime "But you are a lovesick idiot!" Angel argued, smiling persuasively at me. "So why don't you express your feelings so you can get Max, and I won't be plagued with both of your gross, mushy thoughts about each other!" -Angel talking to Fang in the ff Storytime "No, don't do that! Embrace your feelings, Fang!" -Nudge in the ff Storytime "Fang, the binder paper is not mocking you. Please stop procrastinating now," -Angel in the ff Storytime Suddenly, an idea flickered in my mind. I grasped it, desperate for anything to fill up the binder paper so it would stop damn smirking at me. With a triumphant air, I brought my pencil down on the binder paper and drew the outline of the letter O. Aha! Who was smirking now, hmm?…I really do need therapy. -Fang in the ff Storytime "Maybe I was saluting the lamp. Lamps aren't appreciated enough these days!" -Iggy in the ff Halloween Flock Style "Nice logic, Igs." Fang commented quietly."IT SPEAKS!" Gazzy yelled. - Fang and Gazzy in the ff Halloween Flock Style "Facepalm!" I sang happily. "Fangles just did a facepalm!" -Iggy in the ff Halloween Flock Style "Alright! Go Fang!" I cheered. "You are embracing your inner emotions!" Fang hit me again. -Iggy in the ff Halloween Flock Style "But I'm not trying to break the paper, it's just breaking under the weight of my awesomeness!" -Max in the ff School Days "How would you know if my boxers are black, Nudge?" -Fang in the ff School Days Thinking is overrated. I'm a non-conformist," he replied airily, flipping his hair. -Fang in the ff School Days Oh, wait a minute. She left me alone with a THErapist! Lord have mercy on my poor, innocent soul. -Iggy in the ff School Days "But I like Richie. It makes you sound Italian!" "Iggy, that doesn't even make sense. At all." - Iggy and Richie in the ff School Days "I'm supposed to help you because fair is fair? Try I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it. I might respond to that. Maybe." -Max "Why? Do you find me... DISTRACTING?" -Fnick (Fang) Okay, almost there. Now, PUSH" All the 'men' - aka my dad, Fang's dad, Iggy and Fang - push the large wooden bunk bed against the wall. "It sounds like you guys are in labour." I commented from the door frame. Iggy went along with it. "Okay one more push. We're two inches away." The large wooden bed slammed as it hit the wall. "There," Iggy huffed over-exaggeratedly. "It's a boy."- Iggy and Max in the ff Growing Up "What did the teddy ever do to you!" -Ella in the ff Meet My Sister It should be illegal for guys to invite random girls to their houses, ask them to be their sister, then prance around half naked. -Max in the ff Meet My Sister "It says one 'tisp' of cinnamon! What the heck is a 'tisp?'" I scoffed. Fang smacked his forehead."What you call 'tisp' means teaspoon, Max," he informed me.- Max and Fang in the ff Fax Alphabet Soup "Love is not how you forget, but how you forgive. Not how you listen, but how you understand. Not what you see, but how you feel. Not how you let go, but hold on."- Total in the ff Nevermore. "Max? You didn't answer my question. I know what sexy means, but what's a slut?" "Um…it's a type of Australian…purple…bunny?" "But Max, why would Iggy think you'd look like an Australian purple bunny?" "Never mind, Angel. You'll learn when you're older." -Max and Angel in the ff Going to a Dance Club FRIENDS VS BEST FRIENDS A friend will comfort you when he rejects you, Best Friends will go up to him and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" A friend will be there for you when he dumps you, Best Friends will call him and whisper "Seven days..." A friend will help you up when you fall, Best Friends will laugh because she tripped you. A friend helps you find you're prince charming; Best Friends kidnaps him and brings him to you. A friend gives you there umbrella in the rain; Best Friends takes yours and runs away. A friend helps you move, Best Friends help you move the bodies A friend will bail you out of jail, Best Friends are sitting next to you saying "That was Awesome!! Let’s do it again!!" A friend knows a lot of things about you; Best Friends could write a very embarrassing biography of your live. A friend will teach you how to drive; Best Friends will help you push the car in the lake so you can collect insurance. A friend will go to the concert with you; Best Friends will kidnap the band with you. A friend will let you make a fool of yourself in public, Best Friends are making a fool of herself next to you. A friend asks you for something to eat; Best Friends is the reason you have no food. A friend hates your ex-boyfriend; Best Friends flirt with him just to annoy you. A friend will push you in a spinny chair; Best Friends steals the chair sits in it and demands you to spin them. A friend asks for the cookie, Best friends steals the bag. A friend laughs with you; Best friends laughs at you. A friend says I love your dogs; Best friends are secretly plotting on how to steal them. A friend will hide you from the cops;Best Friends are the reason their after you Friends Fade, Best Friends are forever. My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend than copy this to your profile. Things Maximum Ride has Taught Us: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair) (Was there problems?..) On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? ( Or maybe they are just really trying to find the people with x-ray vision) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...) ( You know there maybe some people who have never used real soap before so directions would be very helpful...yeah think of the hobos) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! ( That explains so much!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) ( Then why was mine cold?...hmmm) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) (But its nice to have a model so there already is an indentation!) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) (Those rascals..) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...) ( "This stupid sleep madicine is making me drowsy!" yelled the five year old. " Oh look! A forklift! WEEEEEEE!") On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) ( So that means I can't eat them to glow on the inside? Darn..) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) ( OMG really? Never knew that one!...Nuts in peanuts...that is totally new..) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) ( how do I get the nuts in my mouth though?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ( way to crush there dreams..) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) ( Ha!! Never said anything about feet!!) Its always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would you keep looking after I found it? When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back. You don't die of a broken heart... you only wish you did. Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. One day, will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up. Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips. Duct tape is like the force: both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together. Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought Tell the truth and run. All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone. I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind, but not my brain, I need that Most people fall down the stairs. I fall up. Yeah, I am a special child. Another coversation between me and FreaksWillRule Me: Here read this story! Freak: Ive never read one of these... Me: Just read Freak: Ok...whats th- OH MY GOD Me: Now you understand what I go through. Freak: I will NEVER be able to watch that movie ever again, now. Thanks Me: :D Me either. And your welcome! Freak: You did this purposely :/ Me: Yep. I wanted another person to leave the room too if someone ever put in that movie and I chose you. Feel special :D Freak: Oh yeah, I feel real special now. Well if you don't mind I'm going to bleach my eyes... Me: :D Girl: Do I ever cross your mind? Boy: No Girl: Do you like me? Boy: No Girl: Do you want me? Boy: No Girl: Would you cry if I left? Boy: No Girl: Would you live for me? Boy: No Girl: Would you do anything for me? Boy: No Girl: Choose--me or your life Boy: My life The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says... The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life. If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile. This is From Fang's Blog. Before Marriage- Boy: I have been waiting for this day my whole life Girl: Do you want me to leave?? Boy: NO!!! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course! Girl: Will you ever cheat on me? Boy: Never in my life Girl: Will you ever kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Are you crazy?! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes Girl: Sweet heart!! -After Marriage- (Now read from the bottom up) These are questions actually asked of 1.”Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 2.”The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?” 3.”Were you present when your picture was taken?” 4.”Were you alone or by yourself?” 5.”Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the 6.”Did he kill you?” 7.”How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?” 8.”You were there until the time you left, is that true?” 9.”How many times have you committed suicide?” 10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?” 11. Q: “She had three children, right?” 12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?” 13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?” 14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?” 15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?” 16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a 17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead 18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did 19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?” 20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?” 21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?” 22. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you Stuff to Do When Your in an Elevator 1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, 2) STAND silent and motionless in the 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look 12) TRY to make personal calls on the 13) DRAW a little square on the floor 14) WHEN there's only one other person 15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they 16) ASK if you can push the button for 17) HOLD the doors open and say you're 18) DROP a pen and wail until someone 19) BRING a camera and take pictures of 20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant 21) SWAT at flies that don't exist. 22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it. MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS: 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50% chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty. 15. The chance of toast falling butter-side down is directly porportional to the cost of the carpet. HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, and date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. 101 ways to annoy people!! 1. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 2. Leave your turn signal on for at least fifty miles. 3. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 4. Practice loudly making fax and modem noises. 5. Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio, and then talk into it. 6. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. 8. Sing the Batman theme incessantly and very confidently. 9. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as it is part of your "astronaut training." 10. Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeeeeep Bip Bip Beeeeeep Bip." 11. Forget the punchline to a long joke, then assure the listener before you move on that it was a "real hoot." 12. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 13. Order a side of pork rinds with your Filet Mignon. 14. Write "X-BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 15. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, then place the cookie halves back in the tray. 16. Sing along at the opera where you will be heard. 17. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 18. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 20. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat several times. 21. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 22. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 23. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" until physically restrained. 24. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and place them to reroute whole streets. 25. Drive half a block. 26. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 28. Never make eye contact. 29. Never break eye contact. 30. Specify and remind the person that your drive-thru order is "to go." 31. Name your dog "Dog." 32. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 33. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply stay and eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 34. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 35. Repeat everything someone says as a question. 36. Set alarms for random times. 37. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 38. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 39. At the laudromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 40. only type in lowercase. 41. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 42. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 43. Honk and wave to strangers. 44. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 45. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 46. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 47. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read. 48. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 49. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 50. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. 51. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 52. Drum on every available surface. 53. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO? O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories. 54. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 55. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 56. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes." 57. Wear your pants backwards. 58. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers Theme song. 59. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 60. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 61. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 62. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 63. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 64. dont use any punctuation either 65. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 66. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 67. Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 68. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 69. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 70. Chew on pens you've borrowed. 71. Wear a LOT of cologne. 72. Mow your lawn with scissors. 73. Change your name to "John Aaaaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people prounce each "a." 74. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suh-WING-batter!" 75. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 76. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 77. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 78. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 79. Declare you apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." 80. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 81. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 82. Ask people what gender they are. 83. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 84. Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day. 85. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 86. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 87. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy." 88. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psycological profiles." 89. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 90. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 91. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper , 99 copies. 92. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 93. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 94. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub." 95. Sniffle incessantly. 96. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 97. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 98. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 99. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 100. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 101. While walking in front of someone, stop instantly and let everyone else bump into each other One of my best friends died recently; I'm really upset. He was such a great guy and I miss him. Maybe you knew of him. Most people did. I hope it wasn't you who contributed to his death, otherwise I shall dispatch a vicious band of lions to disembowel you. Okay, I don't have a troupe of lions at my disposal, but I can find one, trust me. My friend was a paragon of amazing. His name was Common Sense. I am sorry to inform you of his demise. Mourn with me. Ask me out and I'll laugh. Ask me if I like you as more than a friend and I'll ask, "Are you serious?" Ask me if I'm dating someone and I'll say, "Yes, my computer. We have a three-year-long relationship. Our anniversary is on Friday." Ask me if I'm busy this weekend and I'll think it over and say, "Well, I have a date with Ben on Friday. Then Saturday I have a date with Jerry. And on Sunday I have a date with Exercise. Mom set us up after she found out about Ben and Jerry. So, dammit, I guess I'm booked." Ask me if I want to go to the school dance with you and I'll say, "Sorry, but I already have a date with my T.V." Why? That's just how I roll. ;) - Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. How to Tell if You're a Writer -If you talk to yourself. -If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself (i.e. ‘I wonder why I talk to myself so much?’) -If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person (i.e. ‘Okay, so have you ever noticed that the word ‘deliver’ could mean removing someone’s liver?’) -If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, ‘Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!’ -If you live off of sugar and caffeine. -If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet. -If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random. -If, when replying to someone else’s e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether. -If you tend to collect the Bic Stics people leave lying around, kind of like picking pennies off the ground. -If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper. -If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard. -If people think you might have A.D.D. -If you think it’d be cool to have A.D.D. -If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense. -If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no ‘apparent’ reason. -If your friends don’t even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason. -And finally, the number one way to tell if you’re a good writer: If you failed English 101. I am strong because I am weak. I am beautful because I know my flaws. I am a lover becasue I am a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise becasue I have been foolish. And I can laugh becasue I have known sadness. You Might Be An Author If... 1. Every time you hear a song, you think of a new story or one you've already written. 2. You have the last chapters of a story done before even thinking of the characters names. 3. You often imagine your books becoming movies. 4. Spell check is your best friend. 5. You give even the smallest of characters a huge background. 6. You hesitate before killing of one of your favourite characters 7. You smile really big when your gonna finally write a character love scene. 8. Every time you read something, you make your own story of the same thing. 9. You'll spend an hour trying to find one word cause you won't dare use a synonym. 10. Not being able to write is like not being able to pee to you... you just can't hold it in for so long. 11. You write so fast, you leave out words in a sentence. 12. You have to tell at least one person your whole story before it's even written. 13. Things that are written bad annoy you and make you want to re-write it better. 14. You laugh at jokes you wrote yourself. 15. You can spell words like 'troublesome' but can't spell 'the' half the time. 16. If you're not writing or typing, your fingers are moving constantly. 17. You talk to yourself... constantly. 18. You forget what day it is when you're writing. 19. When you have to write some sort of story in class, you get carried away. 20. You would rather die than use words like 'good' or 'nice' and etc. 21. You put off the last chapter of a story simply because you don't want it to end. 22. You start to cry when writing about a death or other depressing event you knew was coming, and you are the one writing it. 23. When on a roll, you will ignore hunger, sleepiness, or the urge to pee until you run out of ideas. 24. If a story, movie, show, etc. finishes without closure, you have a powerful need to write a suitable ending. 25. You like to fidget, tap, or chew on the tip of something when you are trying to come up with a new sentence, paragraph, chapter, or story. 26. You are in love with the Thesaurus. 27. You dream about your stories. 28. You dream of new stories. 29. You often revisit some of your old stories. 30. Someone can call your name twenty times without you hearing if you're writing. I am not a perfect person, I don't want to be in this place anymore, I don't want to show my emotions, I'm just another lost soul, I'm just falling through the air, No one really cares about me, |
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