Back to college.

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.(’•.*.•’).•‘ )/†\( ’•.(’•.*.•’).
)·(·:·) ·-· ( -Story Nook- ) ·-· (·:·)·(
*.•I accept and love fanarts for my fics!•.*

AA — First FMA triple drabble. Ed and Elicia on the day he babysits her. Simple cuteness. Inspired by the hours I spent with a three year-old. Cover art by yours truly. Again, Again! can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 11

AYL — Semi-angsty drabble with Ed, Roy, and Al. Nonyaoi. Enjoy! Aren't You Listening? can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 5

CY — Brotherly Fullmetal Alchemist drabble with Al and Ed. Nonyaoi. Written for Fanficrazy in exchange for an AMV. Carry You can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 9

DNI — Fulmetal Alchemist double drabble. Sweet, little military ponderings and brief scenes from Edward. Don't Need It can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 8

DD — I'm also doing a Drabble Dozen, 12 drabbles for Shugo Chara! Ƥϻ me with single word prompts that you'd like me to use.
Glasses can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Whiskers can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Handsome can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Ongoing [Ƥϻ me with any suggestions!]
Reviews: 16

FNJS — Edward and Alphonse brotherly fluff/life. Nonyaoi. Sister-drabble to Just Sleep, For Now, by mismantle, which can be read here.
Both drabbles have been combined into a double drabble, Go Back To Sleep, which can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe [Don't forget its other half!]
Reviews: 2

GaGL — Another FMA double drable, inspired by my papá, who will never stop being funny, and his days in service. Nonyaoi with Ed, Al, and the colonel. Get a Good Look can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 5

IDDI — A familial/fluff double drabble between young Ed and Trisha with a little bit of Alphonse. Based on a true story. I Didn't Do It can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 5

LaF — FMA double drabble wherein Ed reflects on his relationship with the colonel and comes to an unexpected realization. As per usual, nonyaoi. On the contrary, it veers more toward parental!Roy. Based on an experience I had with my roommate.
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 4

TMtT — I'll write the last chapter of Tell Me the Truth eventually, but there's only one chapter left... First chapter revised. This was my (incomplete) first fanfic, so it's only still on this site for memory's sake.
Status: Does anyone even want my first attenpt at fanfic to exist anymore?
Reviews: 16

THc — An Amuto oneshot. Poor Ikuto, Amu seems quite angry at him. But why? Cover art by Izumaiki. The Hairclip can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 19

TtN — FMA double drabble with Al & Ed. brotherly, nonyaoi. Throughout the Night can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 5

TSTC — I'm currently working on Title Subject To Change, which is my first AU fic. Ƥϻ me if you have any plot ideas. I am actually a human like you are and I love getting messages. Don't be shy! Contains eventual parental!Roy, brotherly love/devotion, parental!Maes, and a bit of fluff and angst. Nonyaoi and has a surprise that some may hate and some may love. TSTC is updated sporatically. Enjoy!
If you like this story, please, please review it! Reviews increase the quality of my writing, whereas a lack of reviews discourages me. Title Subject To Change can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Betareader: awesomenaruto
Status: Ongoing
Reviews: 291

TaDE — FMA drabble with Edward and Alphonse. Light-hearted, brotherly slice of life. Nonyaoi. Turning a Deaf Ear can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 5

UCfLD — FMA double drabble with Mustang and Hawkeye. Where Roy's mind goes when given two options to think about: paperwork vs. lieutenant. Somewhat Royai. Unacceptable Conditions for Legal Documents can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 5

UTIP — First "published" poem. FMA with Ed and Al, brotherly slice-of-life with a little angst. Drabbl'ish. Until Then, I Promise… can also be read here:
AO3 )( deviantART
Status: Coмpleтe
Reviews: 11

ıllıllı тoтαl revιewѕ: 417 ıllıllı

—̨̊̂̌̆̊̄'·.-' Disclaimer '-.·'—̧̊̂̌̆̊̄

I (TheSleepingNeko) don't own any of the characters, universe, and/or anything related to the respective series that I use in my various fanfics. I only own the plots, and if I don't own those, then the friends and family I stole them from didn't have any legal rights to the plot-bunnies, either. I'm probably the only one who remembers them, anyway. On top of that, I deserve them for giving away so many most of the time! And if I did own any of said copyrighted material, you would be seeing my stories on TV or in books, not here. Honestly. So don't sue me. I want to use my money for something other than a lawsuit. Thank you.

6/15/15
Finally finishing Brotherhood.
I feel like in that Dr. Who episode where they let the lady out of the freezer for the last itme.
I don't want to say goodbye…

Hey, what's up? (I don't actually expect you to reply to that...people might look at you oddly if you're talking to a computer. Then again...)

Anyway, here's a bit about me:

Firstly, I :ℓσvε:* reviews! It can be as simple as one word, a rating in stars, thumbs-up/-down, like/dislike, criticism, or just a demand to update! I especially love long reviews, but I'm also overjoyed to get short ones, too. I'm always on the lookout for advice on my writing, whether it's grammar and spelling, style, plot, or just telling me when I made a mistake.

I always want feedback. I personally respond to every review I receive. I also squeal with joy and gaze at my computer screen (and at the username of whomever reviewed) lovingly every time I get a review. Feedback makes me like, 10x more motivated to continue w/ a story ASAP. And, hey, if there's something about one of my stories you really dislike, or is confusing, I'll never know unless you tell me. And I'm still just as happy to get a review the day after I publish a story, to a year after I publish it.

My sole interest in writing is having a semi-passion for it—though, sadly, plot-bunnies don't come to me often... My purpose for posting a story is to make other people happy with what I write(sounds sappy; it's the complete truth). And my reason for continuing a story is people enjoying what I write—and telling me so through reviews.

- T h e S l e e p i n g N e k o

-族 ·*''*·友. ғ - ƒ - Ƒმოἶℓყ .友·*''*· 族-

Younger sister: mismantle

Betreader and awesome friend: awesomenaruto

Support from the beginning: A Lost Sheep

RL friend: SuperVilleLockian

Another RL friend: Fanficrazy

If you wanna be added to this list, no prob. Just Ƥϻ me with something.
I'll put it up.

By and by, I generate viewers. Some of those come to my page to know more about me. Others just come here because they're astounded at my procrastination-ability. So, either way, here's some info for you to learn/entertain yourself while you're sittin' here:

Name: Livie / Livvy

Sex: Free peppermints if you figure it out!

Age: Between 17 – 22

Birthday: May 29th

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Nationality: American

Faith: Christian

Home state: It starts with the letter "V".

City: Not telling you that.

Street: You totally don't need to know.

House Address: Are you a stalker or something?!

School: University of Mary Washington

Family: Older bro, three younger sisters, younger brother, mom, dad, & myself

Pets: Three corn snakes: Tucker & Cigarette, & Nikki, and a dog: Gizmo, and a betta fish: Evil Knievel (Nie'l).

Interests: Writing—fanfics included, drawing—on paper and on the computer, mathematics, politics, animals, and...and I constantly think about life (yeah, pretty random stuff, huh?). Oh, and reading! I'm also a grammar freak.

Favorite books: Harry Potter, Inheritance Cycle, Artemis Fowl series, Maximum Ride series, Homestuck, Fullmetal Alchemist, & Shugo Chara!

Favorite TV shows: Shugo Chara!, Danny Phantom, Whipeout!, AFV, Fullmetal Alchemist(& Brotherhood), Supernatural, Sonic X, White Collar, Merlin, Once Upon a Time, Young Justice, Elementary, & Sherlock.

Favorite food: Um, Cookies, frozen yogurt, eggs, lasagna, chicken and dumplin's, cheesecake, chocolate, tacos, chocolate-covered pretzels, cherrys, ramen, fruit smoothies, peppermints... Am I boring you? Oh, and sandwiches! ...and Ramen...

Favorite color: baby pink

Other screen names I do/have use(d): gerbilgirl, paoliniFAN, BookLover16, TheSleepngNeko, SleepingNeko, Livie

—I do:
•Try to use proper grammar and spelling when I write.
•Finish every story I begin (even if I take a whole decade break).
•Respond to every review.
•Read tons of other fanfics.
•Experience writer's block regularly.
•Keep my fanfics moderately clean.
•Forget to update.
•Try to think up most of the plot before I publish a story.
•Love reviews!

—I do not:
•Use profanity.
•Write yaoi/shōnen-ai(slash) or yuri/shōjo-ai(femslash)—sorry, my pencil doesn't swing that way…
•Write/read lemons and/or smut.
•Flame other stories.
•Always have free time.
•Bash things/people/ideas(online, at least).

Facts about me: Whenever I'm bored, I get any type of drawing utensil and draw flamels across my body. I've often been asked, "When did you get that tattoo?"

I sleep in the fetal position, trying to capture as much warmth to my body as I can. Except, however, during the summer. Then I lie on my back, but curl up as much as possible without ending up looking like a dead bug.

I am known to randomly pass out after having shots/bloodwork done.

I can lick my elbow, but when I try to do both at once, I feel like I'm about to pull my shoulders out of their sockets.

I spend too much time reading. Far too much.

I am known for being a grammar nazi. And when someone fails to comply with the rules of proper grammar, I do that little anime eyebrow twitch.

I'm a terrible liar and, therefore, never play any card-games that involve bluffing.

I can then eat a one pound burrito in under five minutes.

I like to creep people out by staring at them until they look at me, then licking my teeth and wiggling my eyebrows at them.

I have never had a boyfriend. Nor do I need one right now.

I can obsess over the inability to divide by zero.

If I don't update quickly enough, I feel too guilty to check my inbox until at least 100 messages have piled up. Then I feel even worse.

My papá and I can get into heated discussions about, numbers, taxes, politics, English, and puns.

I talk to myself out loud.

I can't kill an animal unless it's a cockroach, fly, or anything parasitic. My dislike for the aforementioned borders on phobia.

I have only ever had a haircut once…and I lost 16 inches that time.

I enjoy sticking on headphones, lying in the floor in random positions, closing my eyes, and listening to jumpstyle techno. I just hope someone won't step on me.

I put fabric paint on everything, including myself. It only makes more enjoyable when it glows in the dark.

You're more than welcome to Ƥϻ me with anything else you'd like to know so I can add it to the list.

Interesting fact: Beta (Β β) is the second letter of the Greek alphabet. Therefore, if you beta-read for someone, you can refer to them as your Alpha (Α α)—the first letter of the Greek alphabet. And, if you employ two beta-readers—say, if they each specialize in different areas or you just want to be safe—you could call them your "first beta" and "second beta", or you can refer to them as your "beta-reader" and your "gamma-reader", Gamma (Γ γ) being, obviously, the third letter in the Greek alphabet. You could also call your readers your gammas if you have them spot mistakes.

ıllıllı тнe 27 coммandмenтѕ oғ ғanғιcтιon ıllıllı

1. Thou shalt not posteth a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The fanfiction gods have given thee a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it. Otherwise, employeth a beta reader.

2. Thou shalt not posteth a chapter of fewer than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. This displeases the masses.

3. Thou shalt not put thine author's notes in the middle of the story.

4. Thou shalt NEVER useth text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting.

5. Thou shalt keepeth to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switcheth randomly.

6. Applyeth the above number 5 to POVs, as well.

7. Thou shalt not get totes offended when someone makest fun of the crack pairing featured in thy fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious.

8. Thou shalt not useth O.o, ;p, or D: in a fanfiction to showeth the emotion exhibited by a character.

9. Thou shalt tryeth to keep characters in-character!

10. Thou shalt not treateth every criticism as a flame.

11. The author's note is not a spot for thy personal drama, and thou shalt not maketh it so.

12. Thou shalt not puteth any form of the phrase "first fic" in thy summary.

13. Thy created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shall their names have more than five words in length.

14. Thou shalt not inserteth thyself into the story line as thyself or as a character—yes we know that thou are in love with thyrself and are very narcissistic, we just don’t want to read about how thou endeth up with the main character.

15. If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, pointeth it out in the beginning.

16. Thou shalt not maketh a person randomly smart or powerful unless stating a reason for this change—a good reason.

17. Thou shalt show and not tell.

18. Thou shalt not EVER useth the phrase "I suck at summaries" in thy summary. This annoys thy readers.

19. Thou shalt not writeth the same way thou speaketh—writing is an art.

20. Thou shalt ALWAYS spelleth the word "okay" (or O.K.) correctly. Using the letter "K" is an unacceptable compromise.

21. Thou shalt only useth clichés when thou a) art writing a parody, or b) hath found a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thy readers.

22. Thou shalt always separateth dialogue from two different speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise thy readers shalt be confuse-ed.

23. Thou shalt not EVER maketh a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THIY READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. They have given thee an ENTER key with good reason.

24. Thou shalt not write with thy caps lock on; it displeases the masses and causes thy readers to lose their vision and makes angels weep.

25. Thou shalt know how to spell the character's names correctly before thou writeth thy fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story.

26. Thou shalt not say in thy summary "summary inside". This shows lack of creativeness and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside.

27. Thou shalt useth paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thy readers.

Keep the ιc in fanfιction. Otherwise, it's just fanftion. And, let's face it, nobody wants to have to read something like that.

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Help themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you, saying, "THAT WAS FREAKING AWSOME!!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Ask you to write down your number for them.

BEST FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days berfore giving it back

BEST FRIENDS: Lose your crap and tell you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's butt if they so much as turn their faces away from you.

FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Will walk right in and say, "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: Have to be asked not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college.

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say, "It’s because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will repost this.

BEST FRIENDS: Will hack your account, then post it on your profile, sitting back and laughing when you find it.

FuиηÍǝS!

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year-olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(Hmmn...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh, go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Ways To Annoy Your Roommate

— Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
- Always flush the toilet three times.
— Announce everything you do as a group activity. (Ex: "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player".
- Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
— Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
- As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
— Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
- Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battle station. Carry around a gun.
— Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
- Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
— Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl, too, explain that she/he needs bowling shoes.
- Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
— Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? She/He won't be here much longer..."
- Build a fort out of coke cans. Refuse to come out until you are threatened to be kicked out of your apartment.
— Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
- Build an ant farm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
— Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
- Burn incense.
— Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
- Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
— Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face.
- Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
— Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
- Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
— Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
- Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
— Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
- Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
— Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
- Call him/her "Mommy".
— Carry a crowbar with you at all times.
- Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
— Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless she/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
— Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
- Collect Chia Pets.
— Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
- Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
— Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
- Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
— Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
- Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
— Do impressions all the time.
- Don't ever flush.
— Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
- Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
— Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Eat moths.
— Eat raw pasta for dinner.
- Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"
— Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backward. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
- Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
— Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
- Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterward, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
— Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
- Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover". Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time she/he coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
— Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Follow your roommate around all day whispering, "I can reach where you can't."
— Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
— Get a Brother P-Touch label-er. Label EVERYTHING!
- Give him/her an allowance.
— Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
- Groom yourself like a cat.
— Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
- Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
— Hide somewhere and jump out the second your roommate comes near your hiding place. Do this for several days.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
— Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
- If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
— If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
— If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-sized cans. Switch the labels.
- Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
— Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
- Invite your roommate to sleepover.
— Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
- Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
— Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good ol' days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
- Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
— Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
- Learn to play an accordion.
— Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
- Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
— Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
- Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
— Let mice loose in his/her room.
- Lick him/her while they are asleep.
— Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
- Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
— Listen to radio static.
- Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
— Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before she/he goes to class/work.
- Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
— Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
- Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
— Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before she/he wakes up.
- Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, 'Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,' and 'Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel.' Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
— Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
- Paint your half of the room black.
— Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
— Play hide and seek with yourself.
- Play violent games with imaginary friends.
— Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
- Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
— Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
- Repeat everything your roommate says.
— Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
- Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
— Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
- Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
— Say everything in Pig Latin.
- Send secret admirer notes from your roommate's e-mail.
— Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
— Sit and stare at your roommate for hours.
- Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth while chanting a random phrase over and over.
— Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
— Skip to the bathroom.
- Smile. All the time.
— Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
— Spread toothpicks all over the floor.
- Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When she/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
— Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If she/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
- Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort.
— Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
- Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent.
— Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if she/he doesn't swab the deck.
- Talk on the phone. A lot.
— Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
- Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
— Trash the room when your roommate's not around.
- Try to eat your own ear..
— Unplug everything in the room.
- Walk and talk backward.
— Wear a silly hat.
- Wear all of your clothes backward.
— Wear ammonia as a cologne.
- Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often.
— When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that reads, "I'm watching you."
- When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use binoculars.
— When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
— Whenever she/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja' ever wonder why...?" Be creative.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out.
— Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
- Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour.
— While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose.
- Yodel, or try to, every time your roommate plays any form of music. If asked to stop, act hurt and ask why they need that music when they have you?

i̊sǝʇonb ɯopuɐɹ

"Please do me right now. On the kitchen table. On the bed. On the couch. Shoot I'll even take on the floor in front of the TV. Just do me. –Sincerely, your homework."

"Guess who? I will find you, take you to bed & have my way with you. You will moan, groan, and even beg me to stop. I'll exhaust you & leave all worn out. It's me, the Stomach Flu."

"You came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, you left & I was hurt!!... Stupid mosquito!"

An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says, "So far, so good!"

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.

If life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I battle sarcasm with logic. I call it logicasm.

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

Did you know "gullible" isn't a real word?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because I just rigged your house with explosives.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work hard for it. Now quiet, they're announcing the lottery numbers.

Irony: Falling down the stairs due to the distraction of the "Watch your step" sign.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

I don't know what my problem is. But I do know it's really hard to pronounce.

If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I'm such a REBEL. I leave messages before the beep!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every last minute of it!

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Drive it like you stole it!

Sanity? I've never heard of such a useless thing to begin with!

I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay.

There are two types of pedestrians—the quick and the dead.

There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.

You are such a good friend! Now that our ship is sinking, and there is only one life vest... I'll miss you heaps and think of you often.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

We have enough gun control, what we need is idiot control.

Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I didn't say it was your fault. I was just blaming it on you.

A computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

Don't follow in my footsteps—I walk into walls.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

There are three sides of an argument. Your side, my side, and the right side.

The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' is congress the opposite of progress?

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: fear of long words.

Always remember that you're unique... Just like everyone else.

••» 15 тнι̇иgѕ уσυ иєνєя ωαит тσ нєαя ωнι̇ןє υиєяgσιиg ѕυяgєяу «••

1. "Oops..."

2. "Better save that; we'll need it for autopsy."

3. "Oh no, stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

4. "Bo-Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen...then what's that?"

6. "Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

7. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy."

8. "What do you mean you want a divorce?!"

9. "Uh-oh! Has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

10. "Crap, there go the lights again..."

11. "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

12. "Y'know, there's big money in kidneys, heck, this guy's got two of 'em!"

13. "That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?"

14. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"

15. "Someone call the janitor—we're going to need a mop."

„.-•”ˆ -Bad Day To Heaven- ˆ”•-.„

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife had been secretly seeing someone else, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony—we live on the 25th floor—and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and, since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below mine, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes when I fell. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this; I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

*Hƹllo, welcome to the ɱєภȶคl ђєคlȶђ hotlι̊ne.*

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother-ship.

If you suffer from schizophrenia, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer, anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try to call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our representatives are busy.

Thε Gεɲdεr σf a Comρutεr

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Fan fiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker.

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. Then again, there would be downsides, too:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

SECURITY SYSTEM INSTALLATION

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14–16 k boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim. I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls—they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS: I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!

How You Know You're Obsessed with Writing Fanfiction

1. When you ask yourself a question as one character and respond as another one.

2. When you begin to compare what a friend says to something one of your characters would say.

3. When you are talking to a friend and you suddenly scream, “Oh my gosh! I just got the greatest idea for a story of mine!” and your idea has
nothing to do with what you were talking about.

4. When you lock yourself in your room, crank up the music, and act out an entire story…and then forget everything you thought of.

5. When you are listening to a song and go “Oh my gosh! This song is exactly what (Insert story here) is about!”

6. When you run around the house dancing and thinking of an idea, acting all crazy, and write the scene that turns out to be a very sad, calm scene.

7. When you fear to daydream because you are afraid of your characters hunting you down and killing you for the torture you put them through.

8. When you can’t fall asleep without thinking about what is going to happen in your next chapter.

9. When you begin to envision your own version of someone else’s fanfic.

10. When you think out loud and start giggling and jumping around talking to yourself when you come up with a good idea.

—1O1 ώÄy$ ţσ αиῆ๏¥ Ƥε0ρℓE ɨŃ ǥeɲ£яąĻ—

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for smuggling diamonds".

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep, Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener that it was "a real hoot".

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

26. Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way".

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel in pen on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Order something at a restaurant only after you've asked for the prices of every other thing on the menu.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backward.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

69. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up." and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Roger's theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a".

84. Sit in your front yard, pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a lot of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant, "swing-batabatabata-suhWING batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Bored? - Next time you answer the phone pick it up and say, "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em."

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A Gʀᴇᴀᴛ Wʀɪᴛᴇʀ

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

(•._.• -:elevator unɟ:- •._.•)

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down a twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic; they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of them!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

)•) Poems I've Learned From My Southern Family (•(

Bright one morning in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back-to-back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my story is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it all, too!

ε̨̉

Once upon a time,
A goose drank wine,
A monkey spit tobacco on a streetcar line.

The line broke,
The monkey got choked,
And they all went to Heaven in a little row-boat.

ε̨̉

I had a little monkey,
took 'im to the country,
fed 'im on gingerbread.

Along came a choo-choo,
knocked him coo-coo.
Now my monkey's dead!

ε̨̉

I had a little pig,
put him in a trough.
He ate so much that his tail popped off.

So I got me a hammer,
got me a nail,
and made my pig a brand new tail.

:30 Reasons to Thank my Mother:

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me prayer.
"You better pray that that'll come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me logic.
"Because I'm your mother and I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me more logic.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me irony.
"Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about contortion.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about stamina.
"You will sit there 'til all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about weather.
"Your room looks like a tornado came through it."

12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about behavior modification.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about envy.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about anticipation.
"Just wait 'til we get home."

17. My mother taught me about receiving.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me medical science.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

20. My mother taught me humor.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me how to become an adult.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me genetics.
"I swear, you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my roots.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me wisdom.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me the importance of a good night's sleep.
"If you don't get in bed right now, I'm waking you up at five tomorrow."

26. My mother taught me about anatomy.
"I have eyes in the back of my head."

27. My mother taught me about procrastination.
"You'd better get all your work done because I have more for you later."

28. My mother taught me about metaphors.
"Your hair is a rat's nest."

My mother taught me about mythical creatures.
"You've got dragon breath."

30. My mother taught me about justice.
"One day you'll have kids, and they're gonna turn out just like you!"

(•·.··.·• TʜᴇSʟᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢNᴇᴋᴏ •·.··.·•)