I Kid You Not
by. Poisoned Scarlet

Summary: Slender legs, hour-glass shape, well-endowed – just think how shocked they were when they saw a small little boy strapped on her back, making faces at them.
Rating: K
Genre: Humor.
Pairing: Implied Ed/Winry.
Authors Note: I thought this idea was simply brilliant. I had a neurotic impulse to write it immediately – even though I'm so exhausted and sleep deprived. I just can't ignore these things.
Story Notes: Post-Promised Day; set five years later.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Dedicated to: Asgardian750, who requested this awesome idea! I hope it's to your expectations :D

The dress was simple.

She was simple.

That was her beauty.

The soft pink sundress, which hugged her lithe frame from the waist down, flowed in the wind as she walked, neckline dipping significantly enough to reveal a bountiful amount of cleavage, was nothing out of a dress catalog or brand store. The flat sandles, a pretty flower sown on the side for decoration purposes, coupled with the sunglasses that pulled her hair back to allow view of her face only enhanced her natural beauty. A soft drink was held in her hands, which looked so small and soft, and every time she took a drink with those plump lips, their throats would swallow convulsively, especially when they saw the pink of her tongue peeking out to lick the corner of her lip.

"Do you think she's single?" His friend asked curiously, his gaze on her as she approached them from down the sidewalk.

"I don't think so." Another guy shook his head. "A girl like her has to have someone by now. Girls like those don't stay single very long."

"Hey, you never know!" His friend grinned. "She might have had a harsh break up and need some macho comfort." He waggled his brows, causing the other guy to chuckle at his antics.

"So what're you gonna' do about it?" He asked, watching the corn-colored blonde near. "She's coming..."

"Just watch the master, Richard!" His friend smirked, waiting for the curvacious woman to get near enough that he would not have to strain himself to speak. He wanted to come off cool, collected, so screaming something out was completely out of the question unless they were caught in the throes of passion...

His friend watched him suddenly step forward and ask, quite politely and nothing like his haughty usual self: "Excuse me, miss, but do you happen to know where the nearest bakery is?"

The girl stopped to answer him, smiling friendlily. "Sure! There's one a couple of blocks away from here, actually. I've never been there but I have passed by it on my way to Central Command!"

"Central Command?" His friend asked, sounding honestly confused. "Isn't that the head military base? Why would someone like you wander in there, miss?"

She giggled, brightly exclaiming: "Well, my—!"

Suddenly, a blond head, a darker blond – gold, the man briefly thought – popped up from behind her before disappearing again. That was when they both noticed the thick straps that hung snugly around her shoulders, which was what had caused her bust to stick out so much, and belatedly saw the small legs that kicked out every few seconds from her side.

Richard immediately noticed the similarities between the two but the other guy did not, instead asking: "And who might this little guy be?"

Winry smiled again. "His name is Nicolas!" She brightly beamed. The man felt his face heat up. "Right?" She asked the baby strapped on her back in the device Edward had bought her a few weeks ago, due to the fact that, considering her job required constant arm usage and took up most of her time, sometimes she could not care for Nicolas as she wanted to (with what his own job, which Edward fiercely said Mustang blackmailed him into taking, at Central Command) and she refused to leave him in the care of a nanny. Needless to say, Winry adored the carrier and the fact that she could always be close to her pride and joy. "Isn't that right, my widdle alchemist?"

A bubbly laugh came from behind her from her coo.

"He's adorable!" He charmingly said. "Are you taking care of him for your sister or...?"

Richard stifled a snort. His friend, Mike, was sometimes far too oblivious.

Winry laughed. "Oh, no! I'm an only child!"

Mike felt his stomach start to tighten. But it just couldn't be true...

"He's actually my son!" Winry rose her hand, tapping her engagement band rather fondly. "I'm married!"

N-no way...

He didn't believe it – he refused to believe it. There was absolutely no way such a beautiful woman like her had given birth to a child. He had seen what happened to women who gave birth: they became boring and haggard and, dare he say it, ugly, yet this woman radiated youth and life but she was married and had a child, too!

"R-really?" he stuttered, dropping his cool pretense. "You're not joking?"

Winry frowned, tilting her head to the side in puzzlement. "Last time I checked, no."

"But how?" he asked, incredulously. "You're so hot! How can you have a kid on you already?"

She pursed her lips at his word choice but continued professionally. She had that question thrown at her more times than she'd like and usually Edward had always been there with her, always the one to answer smartly and easily shut them up. She tended to lose the ability to construe thoughts when the question was directed at her, growing a little timid and irked by their astonishment, which she found annoying since Edward always teased her about it.

She couldn't handle compliments very well nowadays – especially blunt one's like these.

"Well, I'm married, aren't I?" She weakly countered.

"Oh, I get it!" The guy suddenly spoke up.

"Mike..." His friend warned, already knowing what was on his absent-minded friend's mind.

"He knocked you up and then married you so you didn't have a bad image! Right? That's the only way it could've happened!"

Her cheeks reddened in anger, the can in her hand crushing. "Edward did no such thing! We were already married when we had Nick! We have been for a good while, too!" That was true – they had tied the knot a few months after Edward had come back from the West and that been a good while ago.

"Huh? But...how can... " Mike gawked, feeling more disheartened that such a beauty had been claimed already. And so early, from what he could deduce.

The can in her hand crushed further. "Is that the whole reason you spoke to me? I bet you don't even want to go to the bakery!" Winry growled, setting her one hand on her hips in authority. She had been around men enough to know, as a rather sheepish expression overcame this man's face, when they lied. "That's shallow! As if I'd even consider going out with you when I have a perfectly capable husband by my side!"

"Well, you never know..." Mike awkwardly muttered, enraging her further.

"Here's a piece of advice: check her finger next time!" Winry rose her hand, the diamond glinting in sunlight brightly; menacingly. "It'll save you from further embarrassment, you jerk!" She hotly said, stomping down the sidewalk, the little boy strapped on her back turning to them and, to their dull surprise, blowing a raspberry at them with a smug look that grated on Mike's nerves.

"That little brat! Did you see what he just did? Did you?"

"I thought he was adorable." Richard drawled, too amused by the woman's reaction to his friends advances.

"Shut up." Mike darkly shot, the blonde catching his eye again as she crossed the street ahead. From the side she looked even more magnificent, with her hour-glass shape and shapely legs. The hair that, held back only by her sunglasses, fluttered in the soft breeze and the bulging breasts that were so touchable... "Damn bastard." He cursed whoever had managed to snag her first. "What I wouldn't give to have her once..."

"I'd shut up if I were you." His friend sagely answered his muttered comment. "Here comes the groom..." He intoned quietly.

"Huh? Where?" Finally! Now he could take a good look at the bastard—he stared long and wide-eyed when he saw the man, intimidating and no doubt packing muscle although he only reached some two inches above her; managing to seemingly overshadow girl when he came up beside her at the corner of the street. His hair was long, tied back neatly to the nape of his neck, and his clothing consisted of heavy military robes and shined boots. The rank, he could barely see in the distance, of Lieutenant glared back at him as the girl ranted at him about something – no doubt him, he thought with a cringe – before shaking her head and pointing ahead; dropping the encounter faster than he had believed.

Suddenly, the man looked up sharply. His eyes were a dark gold, irked, and the scowl on his face was heavy as he scanned the sidewalk before landing on them. He only gave him one burning glare that made him want to step back, the holster on his hips only heightening the threatening aura he felt from this man even from the distance, before giving his friend, Richard, one suspicious look that was eased away because he was too busy clutching his stomach in laughter at his own, pallid, face.

"Jeez, did you see that guy?" Mike muttered, inching closer to his friend. "He looks like a freakin' giant..." At least, by the way he looked down upon him he did.

"I think they make a great couple." His friend responded absently, smiling a bit when he saw the dark expression melt off the man's – Edward, he believed she called him? – face in exchange for one of softness when he grabbed the baby's hand and, he could only assume, baby-talked something to the little boy by the way he giggled and grasped his larger hand in both his own excitedly.

"You always gotta' take the other person's side! It thought you were my friend!" Mike whined, petulant he had, technically, been talked down by a woman. It didn't settle well with his pride. He was usually such an expect at discerning married women – especially mothers – from single women.

"I am your friend but you just happen to be my very stupid friend," he replied with a slight smirk, motioning to the side with his head. "C'mon, you idiot. Before you really get on that guy's nerves and he beats you to a bloody pulp!"

"As if he could!" He haughtily said, puffing his chest out a bit.

"If I had to bet on one of you, it'd be him." His friend deadpanned.

"You're such a dick, Richard!" Mike shouted, stomping down the sidewalk and, in his annoyed tantrum, bumping into a woman. He was quick to grab the brown lunch bag in her hands before it fell and apologize for bumping into her so brashly, the woman's large brown eyes staring back at him in surprise from behind large glasses.

A hue of red appeared on her cheeks. "I-it's quite alright!"

"Sorry about that. I'm just having a bad day." He nervously laughed, sighing gloomily in the end.

"No harm done!" The woman smiled kindly. "Everyone has days like those. I hope your day gets better! Bye, bye!" She walked past him, missing the surprised expression, and his friend sighed when Mike excitedly exclaimed: "I think she digs me! She doesn't have a ring on her either – score!"

"You're impossible." Richard muttered, pushing him along as the girl, who was later identified as Sciezska when he bumped into her at a cafe a few days later, approached Winry and Edward with a cheery wave.

Needless to say, a few days after that first encounter, he nearly pissed himself when she introduced him to her friends, which was one mischievously smirking Edward Elric who kept cracking his knuckles, an irritated Winry Elric, who eyed him critically and tried to see if he was being honest with her dear friend, and their off-spring, a devious little boy called Nicolas Elric, who kept sticking his tongue out at him when no one was looking!

He would swear it was the last time he ever approached women with shallow intentions – especially when Edward hounded up on him when he excused himself to the restroom and threatened to tear his balls off if he did anything to hurt Sciezska.

A/N: I tried to include the original characters as much as possible but alas it was more in the view of my two made-up characters. I hope it hasn't bothered anyone since I do get annoyed when writers introduce characters of their own creation. But I just thought it'd work out better if I placed this story in their point of view.

Review!

Scarlett.