Hi! How are you?

Yeah, I thought so.

No, no problem!

Raise your hand if you were actually having a conversation with that.

That's what I thought.

My PaRaDiSe

Hair : Brown, hair-y

Eyes : Brown, eye-y

Height : Dwarfed by Santa's Elves (terrible curse)

Mood : Mood-y, happ-y

Mental State : Whoopi doo da

So, I'm working on some new Alex Rider fics, and I'm hoping to do lots more!

PAssions : Alex Rider, Wolf, CHERUB (recent), Twilight, Any Book By Darren Shan, living, breathing, laughing, writing, cookies, Artemis Fowl.

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright

until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something

right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be

stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the

fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those

who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he

will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12

people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Isn't it scary how doctors and dentists call what they do practice?

Annoying things to do on an elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Keeping A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3 Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4 .Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Enter a supermarket with a live chicken under your arm. Wait until you have gathered a suitable crowd. Place the chicken on the floor, untie its beak, and scream "MY FOOD! IT'S ALIVE!!" Repeat in a farm.
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.

Mental Hospital Answering Machine

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

Con is the opposite of pro, so Congress the opposite of progress.

"I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned."

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

“I don’t see you doing anything.” - “No, you don’t; but thinking doesn’t usually require much movement.”

Heaven kicked me out. Hell is afraid I'll take over.

I am fluent in English, Gobbledegook and Sarcasm

“Who died and made you Wolf?” (Anyone from the AR universe should get this)

Dont upset me - I'm running out of places to put the bodies.

Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

My personal motto, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them; if you can’t join them, kill them; if you can’t kill them, blow them all to kingdom come!”

I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.

Caution! Blonde thinking.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Simplicity killed the cat--Curiosity was framed.

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

No Trespassers! Violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire, God would never trust an Englishman in the dark. (No offense intended)

Sometimes I Wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!!

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Normal people make good pets.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia-is the fear of long words

Death is God's way of saying, 'You're fired!' with no second chance. Suicide is humanity's way of saying, 'You can't fire me! I quit!

Where negotiation and diplomacy fail, high explosives substitute nicely.

Join The Army! Journey to exotic places, meet new people, then kill them.

I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame you!

Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If a person with multiple personalities decides to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

What does OK actually mean?

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

Jamie is like a slinkie... basically useless.. but yet so amusing to watch him fall down stairs!!

Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and you LOSE that it's weird.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

The voices in my head are telling me I will get back to you as soon as they are done with me.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

TT I'm intelligent.

Absolute favourite quotes from Alex Rider!:

Stormbreaker : Darrius Sayle: It reminds me of myself.
Alex Rider: It's 99 percent water, has no brains and no anus.
[pause]
Darrius Sayle: [laughing] I think I'm going to like you.

Nadia Vole: It's a fishing village.
Alex Rider: It's nice.
Nadia Vole: Not if you're a fish.

Ark Angel :

"You must have been going very fast"

"I was, until I hit the fence"

Snakehead :

Alex: I didn't set fire to the building.

Ash: No, but you did pull it into the river.

Alex: That put the fire out!

Pyshcology Finals

A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam.

To play with their minds a little (what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.

He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.

Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation.

All, that is, except for one student.

He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper.

He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.

The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.

The professor wrote "100" on the top of that student's test.

The question: What is courage?

The student's answer: This is.

The most amazing Yo Mama joke ever created:

The bigger a mass is, the more gravitational pull it has. That's why the Earth orbits the Sun, and the Moon orbits your Mum.

haha ;)