Lockdown

by Rizember

Chapter 3: Unwanted guests and other surprises

Beta'ed by: UnBeta'ed

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sleeping in the Uchiha manor was not Naruto's cup of tea. Hell, it wasn't even a warm beer. At least he could tolerate warm beers.

The section of the mansion he was in seemed eerily quiet and he felt uneasy in it.

It wasn't just the fact that the place was crawling with butlers who seemed to crave any semblance of work, sneaking into his room at all hours of the day to ask if he wanted anything, if he needed any help with washing his back or if he desired any 'pleasure' magazines to help him relax...

He could have sworn one was staring at him from the ceiling in a Spiderman outfit only to vanish when he blinked. And there was that one butler who had knocked on his bathroom door asking if he needed any help wiping his ass.

Okay, maybe that last one had been a dream but the Spiderman dude had been real.

He sighed.

It was almost midnight and he still couldn't sleep, another thing to blame on the blasted manor.

Granted, before he'd had his little run-in with the Uchiha, he'd been so sure he was going to simply plan his escape and bolt but now...

He smiled in the dark.

Now all he wanted was to torture the man.

And he knew just what to do.

Maybe growing up with people who played mind-games like they played cards- that is, with lots and lots of cheating- was finally paying off.

Unfortunately for him, the people who could catch him at it were all present, acting as his chaperones.

Naruto snorted at that. It wasn't like they'd ever been able to stop him from doing anything remotely stupid. In fact, they were usually all in the background, cheering him on and making bets.

Well, except for his mom.

She was usually in the background moving forward, getting ready to swiftly reprimand or... y'know, kill, whoever was at fault. She was such a good lawyer, she could easily get herself off for murder. And probably even end up convincing the judge and jury that the dead guy really had it coming.

There was a soft knock on his door and Naruto wondered briefly if he should answer it. It might be a butler and he was pretty sure he'd snap and pummel them if they suggested helping him again. Or it could be his mother and goodness forbid she should start to rant and nag as to why he wasn't present for dinner: was he ill? Did he have a tummy ache? Was he constipated?

Seriously, he just wasn't in the mood to discuss his bowel movements.

"Open the door, asshole."

Naruto sighed in relief.

Gaara.

He got off his bed and opened the door. Gaara came in and shut the door before turning to stare at Naruto.

"You certainly don't look like you're resting."

Naruto went back to lie on his bed. "Funny, neither do you."

Gaara sighed and moved to lie on the bed beside Naruto.

"You haven't been sleeping," the blond said.

Gaara nodded but didn't offer any information.

They lay in silence for awhile.

Naruto noticed that the only light pouring into the room was from the moon outside.

He hated the dark. The moonlight wasn't even helping his fears. It reminded him of a time when-

"Remember when we were younger and you'd invite me to sleep over?"

Naruto smiled. "Yeah..."

"You were so gay."

Naruto punched Gaara's arm. "Those were not slumber parties. They were 'sleep overs' as you so helpfully pointed out. Therefore, they were not gay."

"But you are."

Naruto chuckled and punched Gaara again. "I'm hetero-flexible."

"I believe the term is bisexual."

Naruto looked scandalized. "That implies that I'm restricted to only men and women. If there are any hot aliens out there, I want them to know that I do not discriminate. I would bang them, too...and bring peace to our worlds."

"How noble of you," Gaara snorted.

"Yeah," Naruto sighed. "I know."

"Must be tough being so great and oh so modest."

"I manage somehow," Naruto grinned. "So why haven't you been sleeping?"

Gaara shrugged. He only ever had trouble sleeping when he had a lot on his mind and usually it was over something that he didn't even need to brood about.

The last time had been when his older sister had caught her boyfriend cheating on her. He had spent nights plotting the guy's demise before Naruto calmly told him he'd help him plot revenge, not murder. Gaara had reluctantly agreed.

Gaara had two older siblings, Temari and Kankurou, and though they were older, he was criminally overprotective of them both.

He was also overprotective of Naruto.

"Uchiha wasn't present at dinner."

Naruto bristled at the thought of Sasuke, briefly wondering why Gaara had changed the subject but ultimately decided to humour him.

"I suppose they weren't serving the tears of malnourished puppies..."

"He's not evil," Gaara stated drily.

"He bothers me so he is."

Gaara looked over at Naruto in the dark, his green eyes shining with amusement. "Do you need my help?"

"Even here, murder is illegal," Naruto muttered, like it was a tragedy.

"I wasn't going to suggest murder," Gaara said, clearly affronted.

Naruto snorted in disbelief.

There was a long pause be fire Gaara sighed. "Alright, if we aren't going to kill him, what exactly is the plan?"

"Playing Anko."

Gaara chuckled. "Seriously?"

Anko Mitarashi was the only person who hadn't shown up in Naruto's self-appointed chaperone/adult-entourage squad. She was a psycho-analyst and forensic profiler who worked for the Intelligence Agency called Anbu and as such, was prone to playing mind games even when they were completely unnecessary. She'd been banned indefinitely from the high school Naruto had attended, for threatening the school psychologist and somehow getting her to spill all her secrets instead of the other way around-with Naruto in the room, too.

Anko had also had a brief stint in the torture department of the Anbu.

Whatever Naruto was planning, if it involved Anko's mind (and her love for violence), Gaara wanted in. Maybe it would help with his own little problem.

"So what's up with you?" Naruto tried again.

"Neji Hyuuga."

Naruto hummed in response. Hearing that Neji was going to be present had been a little...annoying, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. "When does he get here?"

"Kiba said tomorrow."

"What are you going to do?"

Silence...

"No," Naruto sighed. "You can not murder him..."

"Why not?" Gaara whined.

The blond rolled his eyes at his usually-realistic best friend and smiled. "Maybe you just need a watered down version of Anko's..."

(I am a high page break. Mmm...brownies...)

Anko Mitarashi sneezed.

Behind her, a tall man with red hair and dark brown eyes smirked. "Someone must be talking about you."

Abruptly, she pulled out a gun and aimed it at his face calmly. "What do you know Namikaze? Have you been spreading rumours about me?"

"Please refrain form aiming any form of weaponry at my children, Anko," another man, older than the first, said slowly. He was blond and blue-eyed and looked terribly bored as they waited for their car to be serviced.

Anko huffed and put the gun away while the redhead rolled his eyes and muttered, "Honestly..."

They were lucky the station attendant hadn't seen the gun. Anko tended to be a little too trigger happy for their liking.

"Hey dad, I'm gonna go get a soda from the store," The redhead, Kyuubi, stated, yawning as he opened the car door. "You want anything?"

The blond, Minato, simply got out of the car, gave Anko a swift glare that carried the promise of death if she did anything stupid, and walked into the store with his son.

"I don't see why she had to come along," Kyuubi muttered, grabbing a basket. There only other people in the store were the clerk and a middle-aged man who seemed to be staring -and trying to appear nonchalant about it- at small bottle of viagra pills.

Minato followed closely behind Kyuubi. "She means well. Besides, Kakashi wanted us to get her away from him."

"Do we owe him any favours?"

"No."

"Then why the hell is that crazy woman in my car?"

"Well, she certainly couldn't get a ride in Chiyo's car."

Kyuubi scowled deeply at that.

Chiyo was his pseudo-grandmother. And if Kushina and Anko were forces to be reckoned with, Granny Chiyo had the power of Armageddon in her mouth. Chiyo and Kushina were constantly at odds, especially now that Minato and Kushina had expressed their desire for a divorce. A desire they'd been expressing for almost six years. Neither of them found the time to actually get the papers or hire lawyers but in their minds...

Well...even in their minds, they were still too busy to get divorced.

Minato ruffled Kyuubi's hair. "Anko might prove useful in keeping me and your mother from trying to kill each other."

"She's mom's best friend," Kyuubi stated drily. "She'd sooner kill you than betray mom."

"True..." Minato frowned. "So why is she in your car?"

Kyuubi sighed and walked to the fridge, throwing snacks into the basket as he walked down the short aisle. "Why they even let her back on the police force is beyond me..."

"She's to be under cover," Minato said pleasantly.

'She's insane."

"But she gets the job done."

"She's insane."

"What's wrong? I thought you liked her."

"She. Is. Insane."

Minato rolled his eyes at his oldest son. "Anywho, today's special. Today we shall all be gathered together as one family. Just like that day all those years ago."

"You mean Christmas? Two months ago?"

"That's the one."

"Hooray," Kyuubi muttered, tossing cokes and a fruit juice into the basket before heading for the counter. "Did I mention I'm getting a promotion?"

"What?" Minato grinned excitedly.

"I'm being promoted," Kyuubi repeated drily.

"You should probably use a higher, excited tone so the rest of the world believes that promotions are actually a good thing," Minato offered in the same dry tone.

"Yeah well, they said I have to partner with Anko for the first six months."

Minato paled. "Son...I'm so sorry..."

"They know no one else will work with her."

"Yeah, that's true."

After a moment, Kyuubi frowned. "You don't seem all that surprised."

Minato took that moment to gain an intense interest in lasagna sheets and walked passed Kyuubi only to get caught in a headlock.

"Something you wanna tell me, dad?"

"Uh...no?"

Kyuubi tightened his grip.

"Okay, okay! I signed your name up to be her partner!"

Kyuubi huffed in disgust. "Under fifteen seconds and you squealed like a pig. And you call yourself the head of the interrogation department..."

Minato sniffed. "I don't handle headlocks well. Besides-"

"THIS IS A STICK-UP! EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR, NOW!"

Minato and Kyuubi turned to face the viagra-middle-aged man who was now holding a gun and watched him with disinterest.

"Put that down before you hurt yourself," Kyuubi said, annoyed.

The clerk looked terrified and had his hands up in obvious compliance- even though the man had said to get down.

Kyuubi held back a chuckle.

'Get down' sounded like an order to start dancing.

Clearing his head of unnecessary thoughts, he looked the man in the eye and said, "You will get seriously hurt if you do not put that gun away and turn yourself in."

"Are you cops?"

"Of course not," Minato said, with indignation. "We're much higher than that."

The man's eyes took on a crazy sheen and-

And then a loud bang filled the air, followed by the sound of shattered glass and the man fell to the ground, swearing and clutching at his arm. His gun was lying on the floor, useless.

Minato sighed as Anko came into the store smiling, with a long range rifle on her shoulder.

The clerk took one look at her and fainted.

"Must you always be dramatic?" Kyuubi asked, glaring at Anko.

Anko grinned. "Oh, just say Thankyou. I did just save your life."

The man was now screaming on the ground.

"The safety on his gun was still on," Minato said tiredly. "And he was pretty shitty at handling it. Also, you just shot through a window. You are so paying for that."

Anko shrugged. "Fine, I have money."

Minato rolled his eyes and moved to rouse the clerk. They'd have to report this in, call the cops and an ambulance and all because Anko had shot a man with...wait-

"Where the hell did you even put that rifle? Didn't you have a pistol earlier?"

Anko looked at Minato like he was a simpleton. "Why would I just have one gun?"

"Why do you have a rifle?"

"For long range shooting."

"This was hardly long range!"

Anko simply shrugged again and walked back out of the shop, clearly unconcerned now that there was no more violence to be had.

Minato groaned.

Maybe he should have let Anko go with Chiyo.

(I am a sexy page break. You know you love me)

Naruto awoke to find himself draped over Gaara. Any straight man would have at that point screamed, pointed fingers and got the hell out of dodge.

He snuggled closer until-

"You bastard!"

Until Gaara kicked him off the bed.

Gaara had stayed the night and they'd both fallen asleep after only an hour of plotting and scheming.

From his place on the floor, Naruto took in Gaara's groggy appearance and smirked. "Ha! You slept."

"Thank you, Sherlock," Gaara said, rolling his eyes. "As always your powers of perception are unparalleled."

"How are you so eloquent right after waking up? Don't you need to reboot like the rest of the world?"

"My brain never shuts down," Gaara quipped, smirking when Naruto made a face at him.

Naruto let Gaara use the shower first, and grabbed him a few clothes from his suitcase. He included a bright orange T-shirt that Gaara had once vocally threatened after a particularly heavy drinking session...something about sending it to "orange hell"...

Anyway, it was his vengeance and he made sure to lock his closet and suitcases so Gaara couldn't change.

When Naruto was out and dressed, he noticed Gaara had simply worn the shirt he'd been wearing the previous night.

"Ugh, that's disgusting."

Gaara shrugged. "I'm not wearing orange."

"Why not?"

"It implies a sunny disposition. And a lack of style."

"Ouch Gaara, that hurt."

"The truth often does."

Naruto glared, and grabbed the orange shirt. "Wear it."

Gaara snorted. "Make me."

With that brave sentence, Gaara did the expected and ran out the door like the brave man people thought he was.

Naruto however, had had years of Gaara's bravery studied and tackled the man in the hall.

After initial struggling and wrestling and the orange shirt being sadly abandoned on the floor, Naruto pinned Gaara to the floor, straddling him and holding his arms to his side and laughed. "Suck it. I win."

Gaara simply chuckled. There was no way he was going to admit defeat. Even if he had so obviously been defeated.

Someone cleared their throat and the two boys turned.

Sasuke was watching them both with something akin to interest and...something else.

Naruto waited and when Sasuke didn't do anything, he put step one of his plan into action.

He smiled warmly and said, "Good morning, Uchiha."

The incredulous look on Sasuke's face lasted only a second but Naruto decided it had been worth it. Sasuke didn't speak and with his stoic mask back in place, he nodded at Gaara, ignored Naruto and walked down the stairs.

Naruto was almost impressed at how the Uchiha had found it possible to bow in their general direction but still make it clear he was only acknowledging Gaara.

Naruto chuckled and helped Gaara up.

Gaara smiled as they watched Sasuke walk down the hall and turn out of sight.

"Well, that certainly went well," Naruto grinned.

Gaara rolled his eyes. "You're evil."

They walked down the steps, following Sasuke and when they came to the entrance hall, they saw a large group of people standing there.

"Naruto darling, look who decided to pay you a visit without prior notice," Kushina said, disapproval clear in her voice.

Naruto turned to the person his mom was pointing at and grinned, rushing forward. "DAD!"

Minato caught his son, was macho for a moment, then overbalanced and fell to the ground- which didn't deter Naruto in the least.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, sitting heavily on his dad's chest.

"Dying a painful death," Minato wheezed. "Get off me."

Naruto complied and stared at the other two people. "Kyuubi! Anko!"

He got a punched to his gut from Anko and a playful ruffle of his hair from his brother, who then thought better of it and grabbed Naruto, squeezing him and swinging him around like there was no tomorrow.

"I missed you so much!"

"Dude...you are so gay."

Kyuubi rolled his eyes and let Naruto go.

Iruka, Raidou, Izumo and Kotetsu were all behind Kushina, like a support team...or a group of friends ready to provide vocal cheering support should any 'yo mamma' jokes come up.

Minato stood by Kyuubi and Anko was by herself, touching vases and paintings with no regard whatsoever for the owners.

Naruto sighed.

His big dysfunctional family was all there. Almost.

Naruto jumped in fright as a butler suddenly appeared by his side. He glared at the man who simply smiled pleasantly back and stated that breakfast was served in the dining room.

Kushina led the way and everyone else followed.

"Why does it seem like you're having a family reunion?" Gaara whispered to Naruto as they walked right at the end of the large group.

"Because Uchiha is the devil and I'm in hell?" Naruto whispered back.

The dining room was large and even with all the people sitting at the table, there were quite a number of empty seats. It was all dark wood and oak scents and Naruto felt it was actually a pretty warm sort of room. Paintings were arranged on the walls of southern farms and orchards. It was almost homey.

Sasuke was surprisingly welcoming to Naruto's 'family' even going so far as to start a conversation about guns with Anko. They all seemed to love him, even Kushina, who seemed to be constantly pointing out that Sasuke had informed his mother that he was going off to some island...

Naruto ignored her and talked to Kyuubi. He was sitting in between Kyuubi and Anko and opposite Sakura and Ino, who had spent the night. It would have been great but Sasuke was seated opposite Kyuubi, right next to Sakura...which meant he was almost directly in front of Naruto.

Sasuke had had to send Tayuya and Shikamaru off on an errand together when Kakashi had called to suggest it, saying it would serve not only Sasuke's evil bastard-like streak but it would also force them to get along for a few hours.

Kiba was staring down Ino's shirt and occasionally shooting glances at Kushina, which made Naruto want to throw his fork at the guy but he kept his cool.

Naruto quickly picked up conversation with Ino and Sakura, arguing intermittently with Kyuubi who kept telling him he was telling the story wrong.

"It's a story about how I made you eat mud," Kyuubi insisted. "It must have the necessary flare. Aren't you going for shock and awe?"

"I'm going for 'you were a real bastard growing up'...so no."

Sasuke was chatting amicably with Kushina who seemed to have nothing at all to say to her husband. Minato didn't mind, he was talking about sports with Kiba.

"Ms Uzumaki, may you please pass the sugar?" Sasuke asked politely.

Before Kushina could even raise her hand, Naruto picked up the bowl and placed it by Sasuke's mug, all without pausing for breath in his story.

Sasuke scowled, not wanting to express gratitude- or manners- in any way to the Namikaze. "I believe I was talking to your mother."

Either Naruto actually didn't hear him or he was doing a spectacular job of ignoring him because the blond simply made his punchline and had Ino and Sakura both laughing loudly and saying how insane Naruto was.

Sasuke grit his teeth in obvious annoyance.

What the hell was the blond playing at?

He decided he'd just insult the blond outright and see if that got the expected reaction but just then, a loud clap of thunder sounded and a loud booming voice cried from the heavens-

"SOMEONE'S BOLLOCKS WILL BE SET ON FIRE IF I DO NOT FIND A CUP OF TEA READY FOR ME IN THERE!"

Kushina raised her head sharply and gaped at the door, not quite believing the voice she'd just heard. But Gaara was faithful. And Gaara believed and as such, he had taken the more active route of getting up, running and diving out the window (luck for him they were on the ground floor, but even three stories up, he'd still have taken that jump).

Naruto promptly tried to follow Gaara out halfway but had his legs caught by Kyuubi before he could successfully complete his escape to freedom and sanity.

Only one woman could cause such abject fear in the Namikaze family-and Gaara- and Naruto did not want to see her.

Naruto kicked frantically at Kyuubi as the voice got nearer-

"-or will I have to open the bloody door myself? Honestly, are you a butler or not?"

Kyuubi received swift punch to the jaw and swore loudly even as Minato finally rushed forward to help him hold his young brother down. Kushina and Iruka were the only ones staring at the door with disbelief. Everyone else had a mixture of curiosity and amused interest.

The door swung open, and a blushing butler moved forward to announce the presence of-

"Ow!"

The butler rubbed his shin and glared at the old lady who'd just struck him with her cane, even as she eyed him down distastefully.

"I'm perfectly capable of announcing my own presence," she sniffed.

Kushina's mutter of, "Aw hell," brought Naruto to attention as he gave up and, with a final glance that showed him that Gaara was long gone so no there would be no daring rescues, he stood up straight- just like Minato and Kyuubi- all at attention like they were in the military and were waiting to be executed.

The old woman looked around the room as if measuring each person and finding them completely uninteresting. Her gray hair was done up in a bun and she wore a black suit with a small pinned-on hat and a white blouse. Smart and comfortable pumps graced her feet and an innocent looking cane was in both her hands next to her dangling handbag.

She looked every bit the ruthless executive she'd been when she'd retired, way back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

When her eyes finally landed on the four people she'd been seeking out in the first place, she offered a smile.

"Ah, there you all are," she said regally. "Don't just stand there like the queen's guard, come greet me properly."

Minato nudged Kushina forward and ignored her muttered promise of murder before shoving both his sons after his wife.

Better them than him.

He was still young. He still had so much to do... He didn't want to die.

Besides, he'd been the one to invite Chiyo over when he'd learned Kushina had appeared out of nowhere and was hogging his youngest son at the Uchiha manor.

"Granny Chiyo," Kushina gushed accordingly, gracefully taking the older woman's hands in her own. "What a surprise!"

The woman, Granny Chiyo, smiled tolerantly. "Don't think I didn't notice you left out the part about whether or not it is a good surprise."

Kushina returned the smile. "Why point out the obvious?"

"Naruto, Kyuubi," Granny Chiyo pulled her gloved hand from Kushina's, clearly dismissing her, and turned to the boys. "It's been too long."

"It's only been three years," Naruto said softly, biting back a growl when Kyuubi stomped on his foot.

"Three long years," Granny Chiyo agreed, lifting her cane and slamming it back down for emphasis- onto Naruto's unfortunate foot and ignoring his swear even as she continued in a distracted manner. "It feels like yesterday."

Before Naruto could mutter anything else- probably something about how she probably couldn't remember yesterday-, Kyuubi stepped forward and grabbed Chiyo's hand before kissing it and saying, "It's always a pleasure, Granny Chiyo."

The woman smiled and nodded, patting Kyuubi's cheek before holding her free hand out to Naruto.

Th blond eyed both the hand and the cane, his sore foot a painful reminder of why he always tried to be silent whenever Chiyo visited. Her Evil Cane of Doom (TM) was great in providing incentive for his silence.

The sad part of it was he had no idea why she even visited at all.

Especially when she wasn't related to any of them.

But she'd always been there...like herpes, she wouldn't go away.

Granny Chiyo had lived in the Namikaze's neighborhood for decades and as soon as they had moved in, she'd made her presence an unwanted constant. She was there for every birthday party, New Year's eve party, baptism, Christmas party, April fool's party, thanksgiving and any other major holiday. She was also present for every minor event, like dentist appointments, soccer games, recitals...

She was like an actual grandmother.

Her only fault was that she was immensely overbearing, violent and prone to giving criticism.

She also managed to scare the hell out of Naruto and Gaara, something usually only Kushina being in a worried motherly fury and Anko being...well, herself, could manage.

Granny Chiyo seated herself and motioned for the others to do so as well once Naruto finally gathered the courage to kiss her hand and murmur polite sentences.

"Where's Gaara?"

Knowing the fore-boding feeling of being a beat-up doll for the cane, Naruto sang like a canary. "He jumped out the window when you arrived "

Granny Chiyo scoffed. "Don't be silly dear, it's raining outside. If you didn't want to tell me, you should have just said so."

Naruto gaped and Sasuke didn't even bother holding back the smirk.

Chiyo went on a tirade, ripping into everyone at the table, a few of which were:

Shikamaru: if you're going to be lazy, don't be half-assed about it. Be the best useless bum you can be.

Kiba: Why on earth have you tattooed your face, dear boy? Why draw attention to it?

Tayuya: you are a vulgar young woman. You remind me of myself when I was thirty.

"Oi, boy with the hair gel," Chiyo suddenly turned to Sasuke. "Do you have a certain predilection for copious amounts of hair products while being too bored to style it properly or is that hair an ode to a duck's bottom somewhere?"

"The predilection," Sasuke said easily, satisfied at Naruto's irritation at his lack of discomfort. "And might I just say how well you've aged over these last few centuries..."

Granny Chiyo stared at Sasuke for a moment before she smiled. "I like you."

Naruto groaned in annoyance. Who knew that all this time, all he'd had to do to get Chiyo off his back was insult her to her face?

Granny Chiyo was soon on a roll. Her commanding demeanor and arrogant, obnoxious badassery called everyone to listen as she spoke.

"I went to visit your father's grave, Kushina and-"

"What the hell for? You're not family!"

"-found that you hadn't left flowers in over a month. That's shameful."

"You're shameful."

"What was that dear?"

"Nothing."

"I'm old," Granny Chiyo stated. "Not deaf."

"And sadly not senile either," Kushina muttered.

"Oh dear Kushina," Granny Chiyo gasped. "Are you upset with me? Am I embarrassing you?"

Minato chuckled. "Nonsense Chiyo, Kushina's perfectly capable of embarrassing herself without your presence. Her father knew that."

"Don't bring Grandpa Hotaro into this," Kyuubi said loudly.

Granny Chiyo turned to Kyuubi. "To be fair, Kushina's father was an asshole but he threw a mean funeral."

"Chiyo!" Kushina gasped, affronted.

"Damn, I was happy to see that burial," she continued wistfully.

"Hey-"

"I stomped on the dirt afterward just to be sure."

"Miss Chiyo, please!" Kotetsu tried.

"Then I had a slab of concrete compacted over it just to be sure he didn't creep back up out of hell."

"CHIYO!"

Chiyo looked at Kushina. "What? You can never be too careful. he might just decide to come pay us a visit, the tenacious bastard."

Minato was shaking with laughter and Kushina, though she had to admit Granny Chiyo was right (and was loathe to do so even in her own mind), was furious.

Naruto shook his head, wondering why his family couldn't have been more normal.

Chiyo seemed surprised at the amusement and exasperation coming from the others.

"Did I say something wrong?"

(I am a Granny Chiyo page break. Pull your pants up, you hooligan)

After breakfast, Kushina pulled Minato over and whispered furiously into his ear. Naruto only caught a few bits and pieces of it: "...incensed, arrogant old battle-axe...know you invited her, you bastard...of all the impertinent, obnoxious harpies to intrude on a rational being's presence...decrepit old fossil..."

Naruto decided alittle time away from the chaos was necessary. This was seeming less and less like a work assignment and more and more like their horrible family reunions.

He tried to go outside after breakfast but found his way blocked by his 'family'. Well, Granny Chiyo had been taken up by a butler to her room. Joy of joys, she was staying, too. and Minato was still getting ribbed by Kushina.

"Please don't tell me its Christmas Carol time. It's February."

They didn't speak and simply blocked his path to the door.

Naruto didn't particularly enjoy their hive mind.

He gave them all dry looks.

"It's raining outside and all my stuff is here. Also, I'm on an island. Where exactly do you think I'll run off to?"

Except for Anko, the others all looked sheepish. Anko looked like she wanted to point out that he could very well live in the forest. Like Tarzan.

Anko eventually shrugged and handed Naruto an umbrella from a large vase that seemed to be holding quiet a number of umbrellas.

He walked passed Sasuke, his mind obviously on non-bastard issues, without a second glance.

Outside, he took in a deep breath and stepped into the rain under his umbrella. He was still probably going to get wet- the rain was pouring like someone in the sky was just emptying out buckets of water onto unsuspecting innocents like himself.

Naruto took a well-made path into the garden and stopped when he noticed- even with the heavy downpour- a red head of hair.

Gaara.

But he wasn't alone.

Gaara was soaked and was sitted on a bench looking perfectly calm and civil as he talked to his ex-boyfriend, Neji.

Neji was soaked, too, even though he had an umbrella that was currently folded and held in his lap, but that didn't surprise Naruto. nevi had always had a flare for the dramatic.

Naruto watched a little longer as Neji suddenly leaned forward. Gaara stealthily slipped away and stood, offering a warm, pleasant smile before turning and walking toward Naruto.

When he saw Naruto, he smirked.

Anko's plans for revenge against enemies usually involved getting them to like you, making them feel you were harmless or indeed, in awe of them. At the very least, at times she would execute ways to make herself seem polite but with overall indifference.

Her ways had worked extremely well to get back at so many of her boyfriends that Naruto had actually published a few of her ideas in a book of his, "The Revenge of a Psychotic Ex"... Yeah, Anko had been truly inspirational in that one, though of course he'd claimed that anything resembling people or places, real or otherwise, was purely coincidental. He couldn't have the boyfriends catching on, could he? Besides, it had been published as a work of fiction, not a self-help book.

Usually, it depended on what they felt for you...and Neji had claimed he loved Gaara, was probably still claiming he did. And if that was true, Gaara was already well on his way to getting Neji.

Naruto just wasn't sure whether or not Gaara wanted to get back at Neji...or to get Neji back.

They'd been a surprisingly great couple up until Neji declared he had no interest in staying with Gaara for the long run. Something that had led to Gaara breaking up with him and saying he needed someone who was willing to give 'the forever fairytale crap' a chance.

That had been months ago. Almost four.

And Neji hadn't stopped calling or sending gifts or making a genuine nuisance of himself to Gaara's friends... And Naruto would have helped Neji get Gaara back if it wasn't for the simple fact that the Hyuuga still believed that he should be with Gaara 'for right now...why worry about the future?'. The guy was a moron, a hot moron but a moron all the same.

Gaara walked passed Naruto and Naruto chuckled. He waved at a frustrated Neji and took a different route, making his own path through the grass and going off into the nearby orchards.

(I am an old page break. Pass me my teeth)

Naruto spent a good two hours walking around in the Uchiha gardens which could be found just after one of the orchards. He was pretty good without a map and though he was soaked through and just getting a chill, he was loathe to return.

He sighed as he stared up at the dark, pouring sky.

The island certainly had some strange weather.

He sighed and dragged up the energy to face his family again.

And Sasuke.

He had to deal with him, too.

Naruto groaned at that.

People like Sasuke Uchiha just couldn't stand it if someone didn't bend over and lick their ass- which was why Naruto wasn't all that surprised to see the Uchiha's staring at him, standing in the rain like a drowned rat and looking positively livid. And yet, he still managed to look hot-the bastard.

"There was a whole stack of umbrellas by the door," Naruto said calmly, failing to hide his amusement.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "They're gone."

"The umbrellas?" Naruto shuffled. "Well, you could share this one if you like but you're already drenched so it would be kind of pointless."

"No, you nitwit," Sasuke growled, his dark eyes seeming to darken even further. "Everyone is gone. All the butlers, all your crazy work-mates and your dysfunctional family and parents or whatever they were... They're all gone."

The blond blinked. "Seriously?"

Sasuke held back an insult and shoved a piece of paper in Naruto's face.

Naruto took a step back and read it with light form his phone. "You should try to get along. We'll be back eventually... Love, everyone."

Naruto swore under his breath. "Who wrote this?"

"Neji, that bastard." Sasuke scowled. "He sent me off to look for something in my father's study and when I finally found it, everyone had disappeared. I checked their rooms but it seems they've packed everything as well."

"Does that mean we can walk out and just...leave?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"Hardly, there are guards around the manor and apparently, Itachi has ordered them to keep us here by any means, including bodily harm. They wouldn't even accept any monetary rewards I offered."

"Monetary rewards? You too posh to say bribe?"

"Yes."

"And anyway, bodily harm? You can't be serious. Did you test it out?"

"The guard slapped me. So yeah...I did."

"Did you slap him back?"

"What am I, a girl?" Sasuke snorted.

"So what did you do?" Naruto smirked.

"I walked away," Sasuke said angrily. "He was armed and my brother is evil. I wasn't going to go as far as see if he'd shoot me."

"You should have," Naruto muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Naruto said quickly. "But this all seems so planned."

Sasuke looked at him, his expression disbelieving. "Why the hell are you still calm? This is serious."

Naruto snorted. "Please. We have food and water and in case you missed it, a large mansion. I think we'll be okay. Your house is large enough that we don't have to see each other unless its absolutely necessary and we can make our own meals. We can take the time to think up story ideas and run them by the rest whenever they decide to grace us with their presence."

Naruto went back into the house and to his room where he took a shower, changed into something warm and went down to where he thought the kitchen was. He'd seen one of the butlers bringing in their food from there so it was a good guess... And it was almost lunchtime.

He heard the sharp noise of someone slamming a drawer and paused, peering into the room.

Sasuke was rummaging through the fridge and mumbling things under his breath. Eventually he walked back to the counter where a tomato and knife sat. He washed the tomato, sliced it up and salted it before sitting down and plopping another slice into his mouth.

Naruto walked in and leaned against the counter. "Is that all you're having for lunch?"

Sasuke turned around in surprise and sniffed imperiously. "Yes."

Naruto shrugged. "You should at least have a salad," he said evenly.

Sasuke looked like he wanted to say something extremely rude but thought better of it. "I think we're out of lettuce."

Naruto walked to the large two-door fridge, opened the bottom vegetable compartment and pulled out a head of lettuce. "There's more in the gardens outside."

Sasuke's face burned and he looked away.

Naruto studied him for a moment before it occurred to him that Sasuke probably had no idea where anything was. It was likely that everything had always been done for him. Naruto doubted the man even knew how to boil water without starting a massive house fire.

The blond felt smug but watching Sasuke slowly eat his tomato pulled at some of his long forgotten sympathy strings and he sighed.

"Would you like some pasta? I always make too much for one person," Naruto offered, trying to preserve both of their pride.

Sasuke looked at him in surprise before turning away. "I suppose...if you make too much.. We probably shouldn't waste anything..."

Naruto managed to not roll his eyes and started going through cupboards and pulling out pots and pans. He decided he'd come back later and label all the drawers and cupboards so he'd know where to get what.

Naruto placed a chopping board, knife and some green beans in front of Sasuke. "Chop those up."

If he thought the brunet would argue, he was sorely mistaken. Apparently Sasuke could be greatly civil when he needed to eat.

"Naruto? Sasuke... Where are you two?"

Naruto and Sasuke stared at the door in shocked horror.

It wasn't possible.

"They left her behind?" Sasuke hissed.

Naruto paled. "They didn't..."

Sasuke set the knife down. "They did..."

"They couldn't have..."

"Apparently they didn't know that."

"No fucking way..."

"I demand that yo kill me."

'Why?" Naruto whispered. "I thought you two got along great."

"She hit me with her cane. A lot."

Naruto considered that and grabbed the knife. "If you don't mind, I'd like to die first..."

Before Naruto could do himself in, Granny Chiyo walked into the room. She looked around at the stove, the fridge, the cabinets and finally the two boys. She had the irritating habit was observing a room before taking note of the people in it.

"Everyone left," Naruto told her directly, wondering if that'd be motivation for her to leave too. He hoped so. Even if the guards at the gates were un-bribe-able and completely incompassionate, maybe they'd let the old battle-axe out.

"I know," she said, clearly unconcerned. "I told them to. They were crowding the house."

"But-"

"Don't worry," she smiled pleasantly, waving her hand dismissively. "I'll be your chaperone for the next few months so no one will think anything untoward about your relations with each other."

The boys gaped.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get lunch started. I'm famished."

Naruto and Sasuke shared a look.

If that was true... Naruto eyed the knife in his hand.

It was going to be a long three months.

A/N: Hey, its been what? A few days? *someone screams years...I ignore them* Yeah, just a few days. Anywho, I'm on break so I'm trying to update everything. Unfortunately, unless some serious motivation strikes me, The Four Seasons will be further delayed. My laptop's in limbo...