8/4/10:

Just realized something. The Lucky and the Strong is heavily inspired by the story A Poor Imitation by leafygirl. It's a very good read. I really recommend her works!

11/5/09:

Daddy Hokage has been updated. Long Return will be updated in the next couple of days. Part 2 of Daddy Hokage (Grandpa Hokage) will be up soon, too, because in one or two more chapters, Daddy Hokage will be finished, but that could be a month from now, seeing as I'm working on re-writing a story that real life scared me into deleting one evening.

Yes, you read that right. What happened to one man in real life upset me so much that I lost a whole story (as many words long as Long Return if not more that might never have been seen by anybody else and still hasn't). It involves a lot of mature material that I might have to edit before putting on here, and then I'll just have to post a link to an off-site page that has the whole thing. It's that rough.

I felt sickened to have imagined the things depicted in it after hearing bits and pieces of what has happened to someone close to me throughout his childhood and teen years...possibly into his twenties. And it's scary. Rough. I told him about it, and I told him that I'd deleted the whole thing. But, after telling him some of the rougher bits, bits I thought would really make him angry with me, he turned around and encouraged me to re-write it to be posted online. He told me that my imagination was spot-on for what really happens, and that people should hear about it, bad as it is. He said he thought that the mode of fan-fiction, that it wasn't real people telling their stories, but that the stories were so similar to real-life events that happen every day all over the world right under the public's noses, was perfect.

So, hard as it is for me to go back and re-work the story, I'm doing it. And it's those emotions, that anger and disgust with myself and humanity in general, that have kept me from updating anything since last month, and that was only to tell you about meeting my husband, not actually updating any stories.

So, here it comes, my darker side.

Please forgive me.

10/12/09: Please forgive me, I'm really excited and drinking while I type this. It's going to be long, but it's important to me.

Wow! I can't believe I haven't been able to write anything at all for the past few months! Well, I guess that's what happens when you go through three major changes in the span of about one month. First off, on July 5th, I ran into someone that changed my world forever.

I'd gotten through a rough Saturday of holiday rush at work, then an early double shift on that Sunday (5th) and just wanted to soak in the tub and ease my legs. They were all tight and my back was killing me, too. My roommate knocked on the door a little while after I'd settled in the tub and told me that his friend was having a rough day and needed to come over to cool off. He offered to get me some different clothes so that I wouldn't be in my night clothes in-front of a stranger, but I had my shorts and a baggy shirt. I figure that if my night clothes cover more than my bathing suit, I'm perfectly acceptable in public, so I said no thanks.

I heard the other guy come in and start talking with my roommate when I was finishing up washing off. By the time I was getting dressed, the guy was playing with the dog in the living room on the floor. I liked him at that moment, even with only hearing his voice in a recording once and muffled through the walls while I was in the tub. If the guy was good and friendly with animals, he was more likely to be a good person to women. That's just how I tend to judge people at first.

I let out a sleepy/exhausted "hello" to the guys as I came through the kitchen, and their heads popped up when I hit the carpet of the living room. My roommate was used to seeing me in even less being that we've had a rather physically close and comfy (but never all the way) relationship since high school, so seeing my legs almost up to the hips and having my breasts bounce around in-front of his face didn't really phase him. The other guy, though, looked like he was trying to keep his jaw from hitting the floor as he said hello back. My roommate introduced us quickly after that, and the guy (still on his knees) reached up to shake my hand lightly. Yet, it wasn't too lightly, more like comfortably polite.

I had been hearing about him for moths (since I'd left my mother's house) straight, and now I'm pretty sure I've heard about him even before then. I just didn't expect him to look and act like he did. Sure, he sounded confident and kind on his voice mail (I had to call him for my roommate who was unintentionally high off of pain pills and reassure him that I was home and taking care of the idiot one night), and everybody I talked to told me he was very intelligent and cool and hard working. I figured that this would be a guy maybe a couple years older than me that might still have a little baby-pudge, fresh and open eyes, maybe a bit stocky and muscled, but not overtly so, and a lot of hair. Whoops. I had walked into the living room to find a guy in his early thirties, dark circles under his eyes, closely cut hair that's just beginning to recede, slender frame, no baby-pudge, lean muscles and a slight beer belly. And the scars. He has them all over from burns and an unfair fight that bashed in his skull in one spot. His gaze was haunted, and his hands calloused more than even my mother's (whom has worked with her hands since she was able to walk).

Still, his smile was intriguing, and his manner and just the very air around him drew me in. Scars never scared me off from anyone. So what if he had them? He was here despite whatever had happened. Dark circles affected me, too. Between work, writing, house keeping, and nightmares, I've had a rough time getting adequate sleep, too. When I get dolled up for anything, it takes a bit of extra, extra care to not let the darker under lids to show through. The skull injury obviously hadn't harmed him enough to change his brain functions in any noticeable way. I myself was supposed to be showing signs of brain damage by now because of being strangled at birth. He seemed to have it all there.

It was a nice night out, but we could all tell it was about to rain. Still, we went outside to chat about this and that. It went from the dog, to fixing my roommate's truck the next day, and then it settled on me and my relationship with my roommate and life in general. The man wanted to know everything about me, including how onry I could get. When I sat next to him on the hood of his car (I didn't want to sit in the truck bed with the muddy dog) he was surprised I was comfortable enough to be so near him, and then he gave me his coat to put over the windshield wiper when I leaned back over the glass. My back was hurting me too much to sit up straight, and my legs couldn't support me much longer, either. I had to lay down.

That's when he started really sneaking glances at me. My roommate was complaining about my attitude and temper, but the things he said, and when I jumped in to defend myself or agree with the facts, it just seemed to make the man even more intrigued and interested in me. He even started defending me, with so very little information. Before the sun had fully set, he'd gotten a glimpse of the red undertones to my brown hair. He'd also noticed the muscle definition in my legs when we laid out on the car together. He commented heavily on both when my roommate was so frustrated that we'd brushed him off talking to one another.

He mentioned that he absolutely loved redheads, and that the line between muscles in my thighs was something he found very sexy. I had never had a man be so honest like that before and not try to touch my ass or feel me up in any way before. It was like my breasts and butt didn't even matter to him as telling him about me! Needless to say, that was extremely refreshing! Not only was my roommate fixated on my "assets," but so was the entire male part of my co-workers! I hadn't been around any man besides my sister's dad that treated me like a person in so long, I forgot that it was possible for a man to do so once he saw me face to face. This guy was being objective about my body, and separating me and my thought and opinions out as the better parts to pay attention to, despite the carefully worded comments that did, in the end, boil down to the same thing other guys had said before. The whole "I want to fuck you" thing.

It started pouring down rain quickly once the sun was down, and we took shelter in his car. No, not the trailer just a few yards away with both doors open and towels to dry off with...the car. And we just spiraled into a conversation about sex, completely objectively. Just a couple weeks before that, I'd had a fling with an older guy, but I was so creeped out that I put an end to it the very next day before things could go all the way. This was so different, though. The man was keeping his hands to himself except to help me up from where I sat on the car, to help me out of the car later, and to help me from the couch to my bed later on.

When the rain lightened up, we went in, talked with my roommate some more, and he started rubbing my feet and lower legs. When he hit a spot that was absolutely killing me, he found out that I needed so much more work than a simple foot rub to take care of it. So, we went into my room and I hiked up my shorts a little more to give access to the whole leg without becoming immodest as hell. He worked methodically on each leg, making me feel great. My roommate came in reluctantly, and had to keep fighting the dog to keep her out. I do NOT like dogs in my bedroom. Especially ones with fleas and are all muddy because the poor thing's itching so bad! He just couldn't get over how I was letting the older man put his hands all over my legs and even up onto my but a little.

I'm used to chiropractic procedures, and I understand that the spine doesn't conveniently stop before it reaches the buttox. Since my leg problems stem from injuries and my spinal issues at my tailbone, I had no reservations allowing the man to massage me like that. As long as he didn't pinch me or caress me inappropriately, I loved it!

He left me alone to try and sleep after that, but he stayed to talk with my roommate. I just couldn't sleep, though. I kept thinking about our conversation when we were alone in the car. I was wound up from reading some kakasaku fanfics, too, and I needed a release. So, I made a run to the car for something I wouldn't be needing anyway. My regular hair brush that usually stayed in my purse for work and such. It got me a few more minutes personal time with him! That's when he told me that he'd found a new goal. He wanted to someday have me flat on my back so that he could kiss my belly. Just kiss my belly. Well, I hadn't told him yet, but my stomach is my second most favorite spot that I love a man to pay attention to during anything intimate. I sure as hell hadn't told him that he'd already had his hands all over my biggest erogenous zone (legs), and here he was asking me for the chance to gain my trust enough to kiss my stomach...when I'm already SO turned ON!

At the time, I was already committed to moving to another state with another guy my own age, but something just told me to say yes, to tell him that he could have his chance.

The next day I was supposed to be at work at 4pm, but the guy called my roommate up and said to bring the truck on over so that the breaks could be changed out. My roommate said he needed someone to go with him just in case something happened on the way there and he wrecked out. The man was asking and asking my roommate to bring me along, but we pulled one on him. Because it was so close to the time I needed to be at work, and he lived 45 minutes in the opposite direction of my work (a usual 20 minute drive) we said I wouldn't make it over at all. Still, I couldn't let my roommate go on the highway with practically no breaks. So I followed him and parked on the other side of him from the house. When the man came out, he didn't see my car, or me until he was half-way to the truck. His face went from normal to broad grin in 0.01 seconds flat.

I didn't have much time to stick around, but I did get to learn about what he does for a little extra money (starship, airplane, and helicopter model building and airbrushing). I agreed to come over a couple days later when I was due to have my weekly two day break from work. I came over one evening right after work, stayed for three days, called in to work to get a fourth day, and then came back again when he was gone to take care of the cat. I was already house-sitting from my sister, but I didn't mind the extra drive. It let me take in his environment a bit more and get a better idea about his world and whether or not I wanted to be a part of it.

Well, I'd already slept in the same bed with him, but that was a fully clothed and non-touching affair. Other than a second leg rub (in which I finally let him kiss my stomach), he hadn't touched me except to hug. I hadn't even kissed him on the cheek yet, though he had politely kissed my hand a few times over a bottle of wine and spaghetti dinner.

He'd gone to Atlanta with a girl that he's been friends with for many years, so I wasn't bothered in the least. It's an arrangement they've had since she started working there that he would drive her and take care of things for her so that she could focus on work and play only. I knew he would be back home the following Friday night. I stayed up on my laptop until midnight waiting for him.

I don't really remember what all happened, but I just didn't leave after that.

Work screwed me over at the end of July, and I quit. Since then, I haven't had any work.

At some point, he got up the courage to touch me for real. A couple days later, I found myself in his arms, fully dressed, in the bathtub of all places, with the shower running, laughing and giggling like never before. He'd tricked me into sitting on the tub side with him, making me think there was something really interesting to see there. I figured it was sight itself, not see as in an experience. But, oh, was I proven wrong!

That spur of the moment make-out session turned into my first experience with sex in the shower, followed by a chase to the bedroom. I clearly remember going from the bright bathroom, to the dark bedroom and noticing that I could see his face again some time later. We had been at it for hours without a break! The reason I could see him was because the sun was rising! I had only ever read about things like that, and it was almost like it was lifted out of a Sherrilyn Kenyon book or something! If you've ever read "Fantasy Lover" by her, you'll know which scene I'm referring to.

After that, things got more comfortable between us. I started learning when he needed to be held at night because of the nightmares. When he woke up, it fluctuated between him needing company and him wanting total privacy, and I learned the difference in each look, the shifts in expression very subtle.

On September third, we were married quietly, his friend and her boyfriend acting as our witnesses. Since then, I've gotten into the model making a lot more, and he's trying to get into Naruto for me. He's remembering more than I thought I'd actually told him. We're talking about kids, and arguing over which we want more. He wants a girl. I want a boy. But, we're still not ready financially, or spatially.

He treats me like a queen, even though there's not much to be had right now. I'm having a hard time releasing control over certain things that I really should, but so is he. At least his subconscious has let me in, even when he doesn't realize it. Just a couple days ago, my mother and grandmother came over and cleaned out the kitchen for us. It was unexpected, and it made him so angry to have his personal space intruded upon like that. Yet, if I was the one doing it, it wouldn't have mattered. I had done it before, and the only thing that bothered him about it was that I was working instead of him doing it for me. He's never let anybody in his personal space before, but he says it's like he needs me there now.

So, yeah, while I've had some extra influence for fics that aren't yet up on here, I've been taken out of the dark mood that's fueled the others. So, it's been tough to type anything up. I'm working on more now, though. Just...please realize it's difficult for me to come up with ugly things right now when my life is so good.