Hey people of the world! Or really just the people who stumbled upon one of my stories and decided to look me up. I figure if you went to the trouble I should probably tell y'all about myself. I am a senior in college and majoring in psychology. I live in the heart of the south where the summers are sweltering and, in recent years, the winters are unforgiving. At least for someone who's grown up in the heat. I've been writing since I was five years old and really love it, though with college and life in general, I haven't had the most time for it lately. Hopefully I'll have more free time in the future to get back to it. I hate nonfiction. Can't read or write it. It's just so boring. The whole point of writing for me is to escape the real world and delve into one where absolutely anything is possible. Writing and reading are the best kinds of freedom to me. They can take you anywhere you want to go in a matter of seconds. You can create a world all your own, give a story the ending you wish it'd had. You can breathe life into words. Incredible right? Ok. Monologue done. I can be a bit long winded in case you didn't notice and I applaud you for getting this far in my little profile. Not many stop to read these and I'm glad you, whoever you may happen to be, did.:) Anyway, hope you enjoy my stories if you read or have already read them and wish you good luck with your own stories. Happy writing!:D

"When you write, don't write with your head. Write with your heart. Don't write what someone else wants you to write. Write what YOU want to write. Writing is a work of art. It's expressive and colorful and beautiful. It requires a broad mind, a colorful imagination, patience, concentration, and hard work. If you're truly passionate about it, you'll be completely dedicated to it. Like they say: Love what you do or don't do it at all." - Anonymous

Random Questions: If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?

If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?

If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?

If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.

Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

Can you daydream at night?

When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?

Can animals commit suicide?

How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?

Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?

If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

Why can't donuts be square?

What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king?

Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?

If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Does the postman deliver his own mail?

Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

Was Jesus a virgin when he died?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Qualities of a Good Best Friend:

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies!

A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and bring him to you!

A good friend will let you dance with her boyfriend. A best friend will yell, “He’s MINE!” then beat you up for asking.

A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you and will comfort you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" and later prank call him and whisper, "You will die in seven days..."

A good friend will hide you from the cops. A best friend is probably the reason they are after you in the first place.

A good friend will bail you out of the jail. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, “That was fun! Let’s do it again!”

A good friend asks for something to eat. A best friend eats all the food and says "What’s for dinner?"

A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run, bitch! Run!"

Funny Sarcastic Moments:

I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.

Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.

I ran with scissors and lived!

I don't obsess. I just think intensely.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Never knock on Deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.

The trouble with alarm clocks is that they always go off when you're asleep.

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Sarcasm doesn't work on a sarcastic person.

Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobic - Fear of long words.

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen.

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

Tell the truth and run.

Friends come and go while enemies never do; they just multiply like gremlins in an olympic sized swimming pool.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.

Be insane- well behaved people never made history.

I can only please one person a day. Today's not your day, and tomorrow's not looking good either.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my water!

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

"Sir, we're surrounded!"
"Excellent, we can attack in any direction!"

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down

"Oh crap she's a morning person."

"It's like road kill; you want to look away but you can't."

"I guess being smart and having opinions freaked guys out."

A Poem For the Female Reader/Writer

I am that girl.

The one who is banged up, mentally and emotionally. Literally and metaphorically.

The one who pretends not to be sad, just to make others happy.

The one who always wonders what she did wrong.

The one who talks to herself when there is no one else to talk to.

The one that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when she does, sits in a corner and reads a book.

The one who likes book more than boys.

The one that hasn't been asked out period.

The one who doesnt need a guy to complete her.

The one who would rather read than do athletics.

The one who reads to run away from whats around her.

The one who writes to escape.

The one doing stuff that most teenagers wouldn't call normal.

The one that doesn't spend all her time on Facebook, or on a cell phone.

The one who just wants to help.

The one that sticks to her values.

The one that refuses to believe that this is it.

The one that knows the importance of the little things.

I am that girl.

Female come backs
pick up line comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run, bitch ,run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself.
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
You constantly start talking in third person, present, or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason.
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.