Hi everybody!

Name: I have no identity

Age: Immortal

Traits: Mysterious

Hobbies: Pass times

Favorite Colors: Colors

Favorite Bands: You'll get a sense if you read my stories

Here is a list of my life principals. Blunt, smart assed, and determined. My best traits! Ha ha.

-All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

-Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

-Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?

-There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.

-Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

-I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

-If I had something good to say, I would have already said it.

-Employee of the month is a good example of how someone can be both a winner and a looser at the same time.

-Never knock on Death's door-ring the bell and run away. Death really hates that.

-Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

-If you get a low enough SAT score, you should be able to park in the handicap space.

-Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.

-I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

-Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

-Education is important; school however, is another matter.

-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

-You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!

-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

-They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

-I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!

-That, my children, is called a wall. But beware the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

-High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.

-It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-People say satire is dead. It’s not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House.

-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

-I do not deny everything.

-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go the store for a quart of milk.

-The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

-Always proofread to make you sure you don’t any words out.

-I'm not short I'm fun sized.

-Love me or hate me personally I could care less

-Unless you've lived my life, don't judge me because you don't know, never have & never will know every little thing & detail about me

-You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then.

-When you get caught looking at him, remember he was looking back.

-Girls are like phones, we love to be held, and talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

-I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened a year ago : )

-Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us

-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.

-Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

My favorite quotes consist of something either romantic, sarcastic, or smart ass. Like me. Mwahaha

"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." ~ Willy Wonka - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

"You are like ten different kinds of stupid." ~ Jake - Samurai Girl

"I say jump." "I say how high." "You don't say anything. You just jump." ~ Jake and Heaven - Samurai Girl

"And what a shame for I do dearly love to laugh." ~ Elizabeth Bennett - Pride and Prejudice Movie

"Oh, quite well is not very well; I'm satisfied." ~ Elizabeth Bennett - Pride and Prejudice Movie

"I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly." ~ Edward - Twilight

"Its an off day when I don't have somebody telling me how edible I smell." ~ Bella - Twilight

"A pigmy-puff, but I didn't say where." ~ Ginny - Harry Potter

"I dunno but I don't think it's pumpkin juice." ~ Harry - Harry Potter

"Bee in your bonnet Potter?" ~ the Sorting Hat - Harry Potter

"Your bird, he just caught fire." ~ Harry - Harry Potter

"A prius is not a car it is a lunch box. Did you know that when your driving down a highway and you stick your hand out the window the vehicle will turn?" ~ Achmed the Dead Terrorist. - Jeff Dunham

"I think my house is haunted." "Why?" "My wife is there. I open the door and all I hear is get out." ~ Walter and Jeff Dunham - Jeff Dunham

"So Walter how long have you been married?" "46 years." "And what was the happiest moment of your life?" "47 years ago." ~ Jeff Dunham and Walter - Jeff Dunham

"Women age like fine wine." "She's aging like milk." ~ Jeff Dunham and Walter - Jeff Dunham

"What would Jesus do? So I tried to turn her into fish. I stood there thinking BE GONE SATAN. HELLO SHAMU." ~ Walter - Jeff Dunham

"What is your title Nick?" "Well I guess you could consider it framing and dry walling." "Framing and dry walling? Got anything for that dumb ass? You know Nick we have jokes for Doctors, and Lawyers, even trash guys but the framing and dry walling guy. Not in our arsenal of snappy come-backs. And we're not going to bother going home and writing any because what are the damn odds now?" ~ Walter and Nick - Jeff Dunham

"Polish a turd, it's still a turd." ~ Peanut - Jeff Dunham

"Hey Peanut it's eight o'clock in the morning there's a lot of traffic out there, what's going on? It's eight o'clock in the morning. Everyone left the house at the same damn time. Back to you. Call me back at five thirty I'll tell you the same damn thing! Only guess what? They're going to other way!" ~ Peanut - Jeff Dunham

"The drive from the valley..." "Sucked like Hell" "The traffic..." "Was bad as hell." "The drivers..." "Were scary as hell." "Parking..." "Sucked more like hell." "So..." "We're in HELL! And these are our hell mates. Whenever someone tells ya to go to hell, we just gotta come right here." ~ Jeff Dunham and Peanut - Jeff Dunham

"Grown white men, going five hundred miles an hour, in a circle! What kinda three and a half hours is this; oh they're making a left turn and another left turn. And another left turn! Let's go to commercial and come back in ten minutes. You ain't gonna miss a damn thing!" ~ Sweet Daddy Dee - Jeff Dunham

"I was fixin' to come here, and I walked out the front door to come here, and I came here and I got here, and here I am." ~ Bubba J - Jeff Dunham

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia." ~ Charles Schulz

"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?" ~ Anonymous

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" ~ Anonymous

"My father is semi-retired. He goes half-way to work, then he comes home." ~ Anonymous

"We just bought a new house. My husband calls it a 'fixer'upper.' I call it a piece of crap." ~ Anonymous

"Smoking kills. If you are killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ~ Brooke Shields

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ~ Winston Bennett

“I’m here eleven days after the election. And I can feel the heat. It’s kinda like being in New York Square on New Years Day. Ya know, after everyone’s gone home and there’s garbage on the ground.” ~ Paul Rudd

“Being here now is like winning an Oscar. Well those technical Oscars they give out in hotels but it’s still and Oscar.” ~ Paul Rudd

“Being here hosting Saturday Night Live is like the ninth best moment of my life.” ~ Michael Phelps

“As my mother would say ‘God love him but he’s a raging maniac and a dear, dear friend’.” ~ impersonation of Joe Biden

“Ya know we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves what would a Maverick do in this situation. And then ya know, we’ll do that.” ~ impersonation of Sarah Palin

“Mr. Castle please understand that if you get injured following detective Becket for research for your next book you cannot sue the city. If you get shot you cannot sue the city. If you are killed…” “My lifeless remains cannot sue the city.” ~ Chief of Police and Castle

Most of my copy and pastes involve falling, doing something stupid, or saying something bluntly. That's the best part of copy and pastes. Dignity get us nowhere in the land of humility.

If you've ever tripped over a WATCH YOUR STEP sign, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever tripped over an article of clothing you were wearing at the time, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever walked into a glass door thinking it was open, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this in your profile!

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile.

If you have ever started humming a song that you have absolutely no idea what it is put this on your profile.

If you think being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile

If you have ever copy and paste something onto your profile, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever forgotten what you are talking about in a conversation, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile!

98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels!

If you walk and trip or stumble because your too busy reading a book copy and paste this into your profile!

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile!

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile

If you've ever pulled on a door and complained about it being locked or really heavy, only to have someone point out to you that you're supposed be pushing on the door or vice versa, copy and paste this into your profile!

Admitting you are weird means you are normal! Saying that you are normal is odd! If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy and paste this onto your profile!

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself! It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE then it's weird! If you agree, copy and paste this and put it in your profile!

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile!

92 percent of teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch wasn't cool to breath any more, Put this in your profile if your one of the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off!

If you think vampires have souls copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile!

Chocolate chip cookies are the best! If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy and paste this into your profile!

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone! Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good! If you are weird and proud of it copy onto your profile this in your profile!

If you think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in ur profile!

If you are obsessed with fanfiction, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you think iPods were gifts from the gods copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile!

If you think that any cartoon characters that are trying to steal cereal should just go to the freaking grocery store and buy some themselves copy this into your profile!

If your family/friends/people around you stared at you when you did the above mentioned, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you think that dumb girl from the Eggo commercial should just give her father some freakin' waffles already, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile!

Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was 'too small' and 'off its orbit' for a couple scientists' likings! If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile! LONG LIVE PLUTO!

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile!

My best friend is insane, if you think your best friend is insane, put this in your profile!

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the heck of it then copy and paste this into your profile!

Skittles tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you are sad because there will be no more Harry Potter books , copy and paste this into your profile

If you ever fell off a chair backwards copy this into your profile.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

98 percent of the population has a myspace. If you're one of the 2 percent that isn't emo, copy and paste this in your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

If you have ever ran into a mirror, copy this into your profile.

If you or your best friend is insane copy and paste this onto your profile

Ninety-eight percent of teenagers have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the two percent who hasn't, copy this and paste it in your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever been poked and made a noise resembling that of a constipated animal, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your pro

AACD is Addicted to All Cullens Disorder
AV is Addicted to Vampires
ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder
If you are addicted to Vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. copy and paste this if you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?"

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile

Help fight wizard illiteracy - Petition for English classes at Hogwarts.

Help fight wizard obesity - Petition for P.E. classes at Hogwarts.

This is Bunny. Copy and paste him onto your profile to help him gain world domination

Fine:

The Real Definition

(From Italian Job)

F.reaked Out

I.nsecure

N.uerotic

E.motional

This isn't one of those fake, repost or your life will be a living hell things. It's just for you to read, and think of all the people that died that day, all the people that had loved ones and never said goodbye and for all the people who had to watch as their best friends, lovers too, died. I'm not asking you to repost this, you don't even have to cry, just keep this in your hearts and minds for the people that never got goodbyes.

Try Not To Cry
Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool,
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great, huge crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!
When I went to school that day,
I never said good-bye.
I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,
And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.
Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,
And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.
And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,
And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best
Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest
Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass
Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.
But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.
And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try
I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,
But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest
When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could
please listen to me if you would,
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,
I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.
But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,
Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.
I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true
And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"

Her name was Aurora
She was only five
This is what happened
When she was alive

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic

Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endore

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
" God, why? Why is
My life always sinking? "

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
The poor child was hit and slapped
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrust the blade
Right into her chest,
" You deserve to die
You worthless pest! "

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
They quickly barged in
Everything was as quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the sad little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arm

If you hate child abuse, post this on your profile.

25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

People With Way Too Much Time on Their Hands and a Pack of Scrabble Letters

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed

These are Dr. Laura's man rules.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports; it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 Colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A Color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
17. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .
18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. You have too many shoes.
21. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
22. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

16 things to do in Walmart.

1.Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2.Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3.Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4.Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5.Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area
6.Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7.When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8.Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10.Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13.When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14.Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
16. Stage a conversation with your shadow then when you walk through a shady area, scream that your friend is missing.

42 Things to do in an Elevator

1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. MEOW occasionally.
6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7. SAY -DING at each floor.
8. SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9.MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. STARE, gri nning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21. SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22. CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
23. MAKE car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. CONGRATULATE all for being in the same lift with you.
25. GRIMACE painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. WALK on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. WHILE the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. LET your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. WALK into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. TAKE shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. ASK people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. ALSO in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. ASK, "Did you feel that?"
34. TELL people that you can see their aura.
35. WHEN the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. ANNOUNCE in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. DRESS up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time...
38. START breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air
39. WHEN someone comes in ask them to press 5 or 6 different floors
40. GET in and don't press any buttons. Wait for the elevator to be called somewhere and repeat 39.
41. IF you are the only one in the elevator, press all of the buttons and stand, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come.
42. LAUGH maniacally whenever anyone looks at you and say you're here for the mental health convention.

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do we use the politics to describe the process of economy so: Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blooksucking creature.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and thats why I don't go there anymore

Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.

Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?

Man: want to see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: I'm God's gift to women
Woman: God certainly has a sense of humor.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Oh but that saves so much time!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be...)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with head colds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(And I'm taking this why?)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what? No doors?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Captain Obvious strikes again)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)