Guess who hasn't updated this in a very, very long time? YOU GUESSED RIGHT! IT'S ALAN CUMMING! No, wait, it isn't Alan Cumming...

Quotes of the moment:

"There is, of course, a ton of sex in fan fiction. It's a monument to the diversity of human sexual whim. There are stories that take any and every character you can name and pair them up romantically or erotically or pornographically. (One of the axioms of Internet culture is known as Rule No. 34: "If it exists, there is porn of it.") A lot of alien plants turn out to produce pollen with powerful aphrodisiac effects. You'd be amazed."

– Lev Grossman, TIME magazine writer, author of The Magicians (which is one of my favorite books of all time) and its equally-amazing sequel, The Magician King

"Make good art."

– Neil Gaiman, god among men, speaking at the 2012 University of the Arts graduation ceremony

"Never apply logic to Who."

– Matt Smith, the Eleventh Doctor, speaking on an episode of Top Gear

Prime Minister of Insanity The Impossible Slashtronaut's Nymphadora Tonks Goes To Hell has been given its own TV Tropes page! Thank you, whoever you are, for honoring my crackfic – and essentially making me famous!

I'm a bisexual panromantic Ravenclaw Time Lord (no, really) who loves Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Sherlock, Neil Gaiman, The Big Bang Theory, crackfics and commentary trollfics, and is pretty sure that she is secretly British. I also like summer, the BBC, coelacanths, video games, Coldplay, Green Day, The Smashing Pumpkins, the book "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," the musical "Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson," Stephen Sondheim, alternative rock, classic literature, the Oz books, steampunk, Victorian England, shipping people in real life, H.P. Lovecraft, emo people, Indiana Jones, sci-fi, A Clockwork Orange, random trivia, and Winston Churchill. I love British TV, British bands, British accents, just BRITAIN. BRITAIN BRITAIN BRITAIN YAAAAAAAY!!!!! God Save The Queen! Keep Calm And Carry On! Care For A Jelly Baby?

You can call me Shenanigans.

I'm currently in a platonic relationship with my best friend 5ever Zchocolatebunniesrulezworld (who writes wonderful gloriousness) and Neil Gaiman is actually my best friend. If I had my way, I'd ask Neil and Amanda to adopt me or something.

My favorite ships are Eleven/River (for Doctor Who,) Sheldon/Amy (for The Big Bang Theory) and Sherlock/John (for Sherlock, natch.) I enjoy weird cracky pairings too, but only when written well or as crackily as possible. (Yeppers, that be a word.) I also plan on shipping Twelve/Clara once Peter Capaldi officially spends a full episode as the Doctor.

Did I mention I like crack fics? Well, I don't just like them. I love them. I lust for them. I feed off of their randomness. Special shoutout to Thirty H's (the immortal Harry Potter crackfic by Secondpillow) for being the most epic crackfic of all time. Ever. Just go read it, OK? Also, you should check out Random Little Writer (her rewrites of A Series of Unfortunate Events are hysterical,) Spymaster E (for his impeccably funny commentated editions of 'Imma Wiserd' and 'My Immortal,') and ElectricityRains (for the best Eleven/Rory slash on the entire interwebz.) Review their stuff, and be sure to tell 'em that Shenanigans sent you.

Also, some of my stuff may be rather... citrusy. Lime definitely, but to some, my stuff could be considered quite lemony. In-the-middle between lemon and lime is citrus. Citrus is a preventative for scurvy. Citrus is a good source of Vitamin C. The C in Vitamin C stands for Crack. So, eat all the citrus you can! _

Enjoy the ficcies, mon choux! (Yes, I just called you 'my cabbages.' Deal with it.)

(P.S.: All fandoms I write for are owned by their copyrighted owners. I do not own Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Sherlock, or any other fandom but if I did I'd be filthy rich, lol.)

Wit and wisdom from when I was in high school...

• "Lady Gaga is a Weeping Angel, and since whatever holds the image of an Angel becomes an Angel, we are all her little monsters... O_o"
• "Do you know what this world needs? Ood Tentacle-Rape fics."
• "They were cutting water bottles in half to use as blunt weapons or something, and were singing Justin Bieber songs off-key – which is better than the real thing, of course."
• "I ship VivaLaTARDIS11 x Daniel Radcliffe x Matt Smith OT3."
• "John Barrowman makes a beautiful Nazi."
• "Chocolate snog!" *eats chocolate cake then kisses me*
• "I think we're the only lesbians at this party... but who fucking cares?"

--my beloved Zchocolatebunniesrulezworld, my lesbian lover in at least twelve parallel universes. Yay string theory!

• "Wouldn't Hamlet be so much more interesting if in the middle of it all, Daleks crashed the set and attacked everyone?"
• "This is a song about Freud. *ahem* If it's longer than it's wide, then it's a penis. If it's longer than it's wide, then it's a penis. If it's shorter than it's wide, simply turn it on its side; now it's longer than it's wide, so it's a penis!"
• "I could handle Steven Moffat writing a Doctor Who/Sherlock crossover. Steven Moffat writing a Doctor Who/Coupling crossover on the other hand... OHMYGODWHERETHEHELLISTHEBRAINBLEACH?!"
• "Morgan Freeman and Alan Rickman should have a lightsaber fight to the death to determine whose voice is sexier."
• Me: "I just found the greatest book ever: ZOMBIES VS. UNICORNS!!!!" Him: "My brain just exploded. Lemme go get the pirates."
• "And - wait for it- it ends with - just wait for it - Rowena Ravenclaw - this is in the 11th century, mind you - escapes to America - on a train. Greatest. Trollfic. Ever."
• "D'you know what? Santa Moff's being such a sadist, so let's just call him Satan Moff instead and call it a day."
• "I promise that by the time you get back from vacation, Steven Moffat shall have both of us in the palm of his hand. And it will be glorious oblivion."
• "Russell T. Davies can't write his way out of a paper bag when it comes to character development."
• "And that's when I realized – Rose Tyler should have stayed dead."
• "THE MOFF IS EVIL! DAMN HIS CLIFFHANGER FETISH!"
• "You definitely have a paranoia fetish. Trust me, I'm a doctor."
• "Donna Noble ruined Doctor Who. There, I said it."
• "All your base are belong to Moff."
• "I want a Dalek GPS in my car. An Alan Rickman one would be awesome, too."
• "The Jews like the original, the Christians like the sequel, the Muslims like the remake, and the Mormons write shitty fanfiction."
• "Four words. Rocky Horror Muppet Show."

-- my 9th grade history teacher. Simply the nerdiest teacher you shall ever know. I love him so much I'd marry him. Too bad he's engaged (and probably in his early 30s), cause I'd marry that man in a heartbeat.

• "Some people can't use sheep."
• "Hitler liked children... *after a brief silence* ...No no noooo, not in that way. If any of you got a Freud Was Right kind of mental image from that, I'll pass out some complimentary brain bleach... right after I take a swig of my own. Oh God..."
• "We're going to listen to the Neil Diamond cover of Adam Sandler's 'Hanukkah Song' and watch the Festivus episode of Seinfeld in class today. Do you know why? ...neither do I, actually."
• "A dead cat bounce is when the economy... well, let's just say it's like throwing a dead cat off the roof and watching it bounce once or twice but realizing it's still dead."
• "When Tom Cruise blew up Hitler they discovered that he was made of ice cream."
• "Lego towers aren't as important as peeing statues."
• "Tiny Lenin!"
• "During the Berlin Airlift, they shot chocolate bars out of cannons to feed the suffering Berliners. I guess that's what one would call 'literal Chocolate Rain.' *cue awful Tay Zonday impression from yours truly*
• "The Cultural Revolution? ROFL, Mao."
• "If we ran out of guns while fighting the commies, we'd simply throw his pet python at 'em!"

-- my 10th grade history teacher, who isn't quite as nerdy as my 9th grade history teacher but still an epic person nonetheless. (And just as quotable!)

• "Andrew Jackson was the American Winston Churchill."
• "Newt Gingrich wears shoes! He has a family! Are you sure you want him to be your president?!"

-- my 11th grade history teacher, who is absolutely fabulous (and the creator of the first GSA in a public school in the entire United States of America!)