The Chaos Cognizance

Summary: Admitting the truth to others is difficult. Then there is the matter of admitting it to yourself. Sheldon Cooper discovers that you can't run from your feelings forever. When Amy suffers a near death experience after a trauma, it leaves Sheldon reeling. What happens next will shake the foundation of what is most important in their lives. And who.

A/N- Welcome to my little story. I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory. This is for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement intended.

~Chapter 1~

"…When the lights go out it's just the three of us – you, me and all that stuff we're so scared of…" Bruce Springsteen – Tunnel of Love

He could not find an open door.

Some jiggled upon their hinges.

Some were airlock tight.

Some knobs gave the illusion of turning, but no tumbler was cooperating.

Locked. Bolted. Secured.

Sheldon ran from corridor to corridor, frantically trying to gain access through the immovable sentinels.

He tried to jimmy the lock. No success.

He moved on to the next door using his body weight to shove it open, with the same futile results.

Growing frustrated, he began to pound his fists upon the next door he tried.

"Please…open up," he shouted, his frantic voice echoing down the long expanse. He had no idea why he wanted the doors open, nor what lay on the other side. Yet the fear and insecurity drove him onward, door after door's mysteries remaining hidden from him.

Suddenly Sheldon heard a noise behind him, and he turned sharply. His eyes tried desperately to adjust as he squinted against the blinding light, yet the light was too white and pure. He closed his eyes to block it out, feeling surprise and a modicum of relief when he recognized the voice which addressed him kindly.

"It's no u-use, Sheldon. They won't budge. You haven't got the r-right key."

Sheldon started at Professor Proton's cryptic words, but in his confusion, was too distraught to even offer him a salutation.

"The right key?" He repeated, looking in his hand at the large key ring which appeared out of nowhere. It must have held at least a hundred keys, yet it felt as light as a feather. He jingled the ring, a slight chime ringing out.

"Where did these come from? What on Earth is happening here? Won't any of these-"

"They won't fit. Don't even t-try. They are not meant to open these doors for you. They are meant for others," the Professor interjected.

Sheldon huffed in annoyance. Surely with all of these keys, the law of averages had to factor in somewhere.

"If they are not meant for me, then why am I carrying them?" He reasoned, his voice holding a challenging lilt.

Professor Proton sat down in a chair which a few moments ago wasn't even there. Sheldon blinked rapidly as he watched his mentor get comfortable, his stocky stature finally coming into focus as the overwhelming light diminished. He wasn't wearing Jedi robes like last time he appeared to Sheldon, but his customary suit and bowtie. He gave Sheldon a sad smile, shaking his head.

"That's a good q-question, Sheldon. Why indeed. Sometimes we hold onto things that no longer work for us, because we are too afraid to let them go. Too afraid to embrace what does work, what we have been denying all along. Sometimes we walk through a thousand doors, a million…but we never reach the destination we are truly looking for. There's a saying I'm s-sure you're familiar with. All roads lead to Rome. But you know in your heart of hearts that's not always t-true. Don't you?"

Sheldon wasn't even aware that he was freezing, yet suddenly the chill in the air turned even colder. He looked down at himself, wondering why he was dressed so threadbare. Barefooted, with only his flash t shirt and a pair of boxer shorts.

Was this some sort of metaphor, he wondered? If he were as astute as he thought he was, he would have to have chalked this particular one up to being naked. Vulnerable. That in turn made him feel uneasy and afraid. And as of late, in spite of all of the other tumult going on in his life, there was only one area that made him more off kilter than all the rest.

"Arthur…why are you here?" He asked his idol, fear creeping into his voice. The elderly Professor smiled softly at Sheldon, tilting his head sideways.

"Why do you think I'm here, Sheldon? I suppose, it's to give you advice. Help you through another dilemma. Is there something weighing heavily on your mind these days?" He asked knowingly, knocking the wind out of Sheldon's lungs. Oh, dear.

"We aren't talking about keys in the literal sense, are we Professor?" He asked meekly, his heart beginning to pound. Even his mentor's kind eyes and steady presence could not bring him a level of comfort.

Arthur's expression softened.

"No, son. We're not. You can search every door in here forever, using every key. But all will be for n-naught. None of these keys will fit, because they aren't meant to. There is only one key, Sheldon. And you must use that one.

So here we are again, Sheldon thought with dread. Closing his eyes, he exhaled a huge sigh of agitation. This was about what that psychic said about Amy.

It had taken him months of denial, but he thought he finally had a handle on this. He should have known better. As with Schrodinger's cat, just because you say there is no cat in the box doesn't mean there isn't one. And if you leave it in there long enough, it will begin to reek.

Sheldon sat on the floor next to his beloved Professor, at a loss. All roads didn't lead to Rome. Only one road led to it, and he was terrified to travel that path.

"Where will I find this key?" He asked quietly, already knowing the answer. Already fearing the answer.

Professor Proton was not unkind. He knew his biggest fan's struggles with life, and even though he hadn't planned on spending eternity appearing when he needed him, he had to admit that it wasn't entirely tedious. He never realized before how intelligent Sheldon really was. When he wasn't saying wholly inappropriate things, of course. Arthur found that he rather enjoyed being Jiminy Cricket to Sheldon's Pinocchio.

He put his hand gently upon Sheldon's shoulder.

"Sheldon…you are a brilliant man. I don't have to tell you this. But I think s-sometimes, you avoid what is right in front of your face. Remaining deliberately obtuse is not the answer, son. So I will spell it out for you, and I won't sugar coat it. The key you seek, lies with her. It always has. It always will. Let her in. Maybe even let her have a piece of that heart beating inside of your chest. You won't be sorry, I can assure you. It's time, Sheldon. Far past time. You never even knew what hit you the day you walked into that coffee shop, did you? She is your future, and your hope. With her, you will achieve things you never imagined. Marriage. Children. Maybe even that Nobel you covet so much. Do you really think you can go it alone, now that you know what she means to you? Now that you know the truth?"

Sheldon's eyes narrowed in agitation, and he let out a loud humph.

"The truth? What am I supposed to do with this truth? Arthur, I'm not prepared to deal with this. I don't know how. I just…" He sputtered, running his hands up and down his arms to warm the frozen limbs. He gazed at this mentor in trepidation.

"You'll know what to do when the time is r-right, Sheldon. When that time comes, you must be strong. Put aside these childish whims and just do what is required."

Required? What…?

Sheldon blinked rapidly, the image of Professor Proton beginning to fade. He scurried to his knees from his sitting position, trying to hold onto his idol just a moment longer.

"Arthur please, don't go. I'm so confused. Please help me. Tell me…how am I supposed to do this and not lose myself?" He begged, trying desperately to see the Professor through the haze and light.

His image faded completely, the light fading along with him. All that was left was a dark, empty space that stretched on for eternity. Sheldon felt cold, alone, and more confused than ever.

Falling in a heap on the cold floor, he hung his head low and began to hyperventilate. Everything felt like it was moving at 600 miles an hour. The very air around him seemed to swirl into a vast wind tunnel, propelling him away. Yet through the flow that was spinning him off his very axis, he heard the words as clear as day:

"She's worth it, Sheldon. She's worth everything. Appreciate her, before it's too late."

Sheldon awoke with a start, looking around his dark room in a panic. He was home. He was safe. He was in his own bed, and a quick look down assured him he was in his warm pajamas. Not half naked and frozen.

Home.

But he felt no less secure.

"…She's worth it, Sheldon. She's worth everything. Appreciate her, before it's too late."

Sheldon's heart was beating out of his chest, sweat pouring down his brow. As overheated as he felt, a chill ran through his body and he clutched his blanket to him tightly. Breathing out of control, he leaned back against the pillows and tried to calm himself down. He wanted to close his eyes, but he was afraid the dream would return.

Sheldon's mind catapulted him back to that fateful night- Anything Can Happen Thursday- where the reasons for his distress originated. It only took one woman…one strange, ethically questionable woman, to upend his entire universe. She spoke words to him that laid his soul bare.

Stupid psychic. Stupid vision. Stupid, stupid, stupid…he didn't believe her words at the time, couldn't even bear to be in the same room with her and Penny. He fled, walking home as quickly as his long legs would carry him. He vaguely registered that Penny would have to walk home alone, but so be it. It was her fault for dragging him there, anyway.

How in the world did her malarkey reach Professor Proton? How could he believe that hacks words? Sheldon thought he could always trust his mentor to tell him the truth. That he could be in cahoots with that charlatan…

Finally giving in and closing his eyes, he tried to gather his wits about him. He tried to will away the fear that had crept into his mind, into his heart. He tried to shut out the doubt that was threatening to extinguish him.

He tried, and he failed.

For the first time in months since he boarded that train headed to nowhere, Sheldon Cooper allowed himself to feel.

All of the frustration, all of the loneliness. It came rushing out of him in a torrent of emotions so great that he was forced to let out a loud sob.

Unable to hide from the reality anymore, Sheldon rolled over and buried his face in his pillow to stifle his cries. They seemed to go on forever, the pain of his folly threatening to smother him.

Now that you know the truth…

The truth- the truth is…

You love her.

The words hit him like a ton of bricks.

Love.

Of course he loved her. He'd told her so, the night of Prom. He didn't know where the words came from, but they tumbled out of his mouth as easily as anything he'd ever said. He felt it. He knew it.

But lately, there was an invisible force pushing its way between them, and he had no idea what it was. Amy had been aloof and quiet. She was normally upbeat and bubbly, and could hold her own in any conversation. The past few weeks, though, Sheldon had noticed a shift in her demeanor. And it frightened him. She was still sweet Amy, attentive Amy, remarkable Amy…yet something was off. And as clueless as he was to social cues and facial expressions, he was at a loss as to how to approach her about it.

Had he done something, said something, to upset her? He couldn't think of any instance lately that would have resulted in this shift, unless…

Sheldon felt a wave of nausea overwhelm him as he hesitantly considered something he hadn't before.

Had Amy grown tired of him? Was she questioning her love for him? Was she considering…breaking up with him?

While it was true that Amy said she would wait for him, however long it took, the facts remained: she was young, healthy, and beautiful. There were aspects of their relationship lacking, and he worried it was just a matter of time before she gave up on him.

Jumping out of his bed, he threw on his robe and headed to the living room. He was fully awake now, and the nagging in his gut had turned into panic. Pacing the room wildly, he tried to steady his breathing and calm his racing heartbeat. What was that Professor Proton had said? The key he sought lies with her.

Yes, he knew it did. He suspected as much, and not just recently. Yet he was still hesitant to open up that part of himself he kept hidden, even to Amy, for fear that once she knew his deepest and darkest secrets, she would no longer place him on that pedestal he'd grown accustomed to.

Where this fear and anxiety was coming from, he had no idea. But he knew without a doubt, there was something awakening in him that was way out of his comfort zone.

Since their train kiss last Valentine's Day, the gates were open. He had no hesitancy kissing her anymore; he even craved it. Just thinking of her warm, soft lips that usually tasted like candy or chocolate…well, it made him extremely happy. The problem was, he was beginning to crave…other…things. For instance, what her body would feel like if it were to lay beside him in the dark. What her skin would feel like, if his body covered hers. Would it remain smooth and soft, or pebble with goose bumps? That line of thinking only made his mind wander down other avenues; darker avenues. Like what the tips of her breasts would feel like, if he ran his thumbs across them. Or what her hands upon his flesh would render, if he gave in and allowed her to give him what they both wanted.

Running a trembling hand through his hair, Sheldon moaned quietly. More and more these erotic images were haunting him. Was he truly going insane? Or was this what…sexual frustration was like? This blinding need to touch Amy. Smell Amy. Listen to Amy. Kiss Amy. Make love to Amy…

Dear Lord, he thought frantically. The descent into madness had begun.

Sheldon stared at the wall, the darkness obscuring his vision. It was conceivable that he was, in fact, losing his mind. What were all of these disturbing dreams about, anyway? Would they never end?

He tried to trace it back to one thing, but was coming up short.

For weeks, Sheldon had been having difficulty finishing his research. He bounced back and forth between String Theory, Dark Matter, String Theory, Dark Matter…it was becoming unbearable. He had never experienced these feelings of frustration before, and it scared him. His 34th birthday had just passed, and he was no closer to that Nobel than when he was 30. Or 25. Or 20…

Why couldn't he focus? Why was the Universe making it so hard for him to concentrate on those things which he was born to do? Trained for? They used to come so naturally to him. Now, he felt unanchored and adrift.

And then of course…there was Amy.

Always Amy.

He thought back to months prior, when he finally saw her again after weeks apart. He was torn between utter shock and utter joy upon seeing her with Leonard at the Police Station. The hurt he'd inflicted on her was still visible in her verdant eyes, though. It physically pained him to see it. He had foolishly thought Amy would get over his callous words and biting tone from their last meeting. At least, he had wished she had. Amy knew how he was, and he had taken comfort all of these years in the fact she was patient and understanding of his issues. It was clear to Sheldon now, he had made a monumental mistake.

Amy was different since his arrival home.

Not in an overt way, but…different nevertheless.

While still cordial and kind, Sheldon noticed with growing unease that she didn't go out of her way to ingratiate herself to him. The times they were together, such as dinner at Los Robles with the group, or the times he came to visit her at work, surprising her with lunch, she seemed distant. Any time physical contact was initiated, by Sheldon no less, Amy jumped a mile. He could only stare at her helplessly as she tried to recover.

He had admitted to her in the car on the way home that he felt like a failure, and he was afraid she thought less of him now because of it. As usual, Amy put his mind at ease with her sweet words and reassurances that it didn't matter to her if he wasn't perfect. He strived to keep that in mind, yet he could feel the change in her demeanor.

A feeling deep inside of him told him something was very wrong. He tried to push it away, but as the weeks flew by, he knew he could no longer bury his head in the sand. The fact that he had hurt Amy deeply tore at him, nagged at him…he was losing sleep over it, and now Professor Proton had come back.

It was too late to try to fall back asleep, and to early too get up and prepare for the day. Sheldon was caught in that strange place called limbo. He hated limbo. Detested it. In his beautiful mind, you were either in one place or the other. Never stuck between the two.

Perhaps some hot cocoa would help; it was February and so a month that had an 'r' in it was suitable for the drink.

The city of Pasadena was still sleeping peacefully, the soft pink light of dawn still a good hour away. Sheldon glanced out of his window, envious of those fortunate enough to still be enjoying slumber.

After pouring milk in a saucepan and some chocolate into his favorite mug, Sheldon stood at the stove, staring into space. A ping on his phone alerted him to a Facebook update. He retrieved it from his desk, surprised to see it was from Amy. Forgetting his cocoa, he sat down at his laptop and logged in, pulling up her Facebook page.

He stared at her most recent avatar. Having been 'off the grid' for a while, he hadn't noticed that she'd even changed it. The picture was something he recognized immediately, although Amy putting it as her profile picture was strange. It was The I-Ching symbol for chaos. Sheldon's eyes followed her information down the page until he saw her personal information.

In a relationship with Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

He didn't know why, but he let out a huge breath of relief. His eyes drifted further down to her recent post.

'Can't sleep. Insomnia is the worst.'

Sheldon stared at the post, stunned. She was awake. It wasn't like Amy to get on Facebook in the middle of the night. Odder still, was her posting something so personal. His heart in his throat, he shifted his cursor into the comment box, staring at the blinking line for a few seconds. Could he do it? Before he even had the chance to consider his actions, he typed her a response.

'It certainly is. Try some cocoa. I am a firm believer in the power of a hot beverage. But you already know this.'

Hitting enter before he could stop himself, he sat back and held his breath for what seemed an eternity. A notification came immediately, in the form of a private message.

'Sheldon? Why are you awake? Are you alright?'

Sheldon sighed, thinking back to his dream. He couldn't very well tell her about that. He decided to avoid her question and turn it back on her.

'The question is, are 'you' alright, Dr. Fowler? Why are you awake?'

The chat box was blank for a few moments, and Sheldon worried he upset Amy for prying. He waited for an answer, his eyes glued to the screen. When the one word explanation came back, he frowned.

'Nightmare.'

Sheldon's eyes widened, his heart beginning to thump.

He knew Amy had a problem with night terrors. He had never experienced one with her before, as they had never…spent the night together. Yet Bernadette and Penny had on occasion mentioned it wasn't a pretty sight. Worry began to flourish in his chest, and he didn't even think twice before picking up his cell phone and dialing her number. It rang three times before Amy answered tentatively.

"Hello?"

Sheldon breathed a sigh of relief, just happy to hear her voice.

"Amy," he said breathlessly, putting a hand upon his heart. "Are you alright? Do you need me to come over to your apartment?" He rushed out, and Amy felt warmth spread through her body at his obvious concern.

"I'm alright now, Sheldon. Thank you. You don't have to come over. It's almost time to get ready for work, anyway."

Sheldon felt something was off in her tone; she sounded so far away, as though the line was muffled. He sat back down in his desk chair, frowning at not being able to articulate what it was he wanted to say.

"Amy…are you sure you're alright? It's not like you to be up in the middle of the night. And trolling Facebook, for that matter."

A harsh sigh found its way out of her mouth, and Sheldon sat up straighter as his impeccable hearing caught it.

"Amy?" He asked in alarm, not knowing what to do. The seconds stretched on and Sheldon was growing more and more agitated. Finally, Amy cleared her throat.

"I'm fine, Sheldon. Really. Just a bad dream. It's very early for you to be up. What woke you?" She asked, changing the subject. Sheldon took a deep breath.

"Bad dream as well," he said sheepishly, not knowing what else to say.

"Hmmm…" Amy murmured absently, unwilling or unable to elaborate.

"Amy…are we still meeting for date night tomorrow?"

Amy was quiet for a beat.

"Of course, Sheldon. Why wouldn't we? Unless of course, you've something else to do?"

Sheldon frowned at her question. Something else to do? What did she mean by that?

"Amy…of course I have nothing else to do. It's our date night. I have barely seen you all week. I've…missed your company."

There, he said it. He didn't know if it would prove to be a mistake, but it was the truth.

On the other end of the line Amy sat with wide eyes, not knowing how to respond. The seconds dragged on, and Sheldon was becoming worried.

"Amy?" He asked tentatively, fearing the worst.

"Yes, Sheldon…I'm here. I have missed you…as well. I'll see you at seven." She promised.

"Thank you, Amy. I suppose I should let you go now. You are okay, yes?"

"Yes, I'm okay. Thank you for calling me, Sheldon. It was nice to hear your voice."

Sheldon had no idea how to respond to that. He had a sinking feeling he was the reason for her distress. But Leonard had told him not everything was about him. Perhaps Amy couldn't sleep like she had stated, and nothing more.

Or maybe, it was because of him. Maybe he had done irreparable damage to her. To them. And she was losing sleep over how to tell him she no longer wanted him in her life. Panic began to swirl in Sheldon's stomach, and he caught his breath.

"Sheldon?" She questioned, and he coughed loudly.

"Yes. I…you're welcome, Amy. I hope you have a good day today," he choked out sincerely.

"Thank you, Sheldon. You as well. I will speak to you later this afternoon. Goodbye."

The line went dead and Sheldon sat there for at least a minute, holding the phone to his ear.

She was gone.

She was gone.

She was gone.

Don't be silly, he reasoned. She wasn't really gone.

Sheldon closed his eyes tightly, shaking his head back and forth in an effort to clear the phantom voices that would not cease.

You love her. She knows you love her. And she loves you.

But was that enough?

He had to get a handle on this. He must. He would. If he only knew how.