Hello there. I'm Redhood99, and (shock horror) This is my profile.

Found these funny, feel free to copy-paste into your own profile.

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing 'k' instead of 'ok'?

When I die, I want to go peacefully, like my grandfather did in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

when someone tells me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors

the closest I have ever come to murder is holding an Oreo under milk until the bubbles stop

I put the pro in procrastinating

dinosaur extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide

you know how you feel safe under a blanket? it's not like a murderer is going to come and say... 'I'm gonna kill... Ahh, Damn it! he's under a blanket'

Some people are like slinkies; basically useless, but ever so amusing to watch fall down the stairs.

A day without sunshine is...night.

People tell me I'm crazy, I tell them to SHUT UP or I'm going back to Hogwarts.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic. In other words, amateurs should do everything.

Life sucks and then you die. get over it.

Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Ooooh . . . A life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf.

If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway

Don't follow my footsteps. I run into walls.

The worst time to have a heart attack: during a game of charades.

If you're reading this then you're not dead. Good for you.

Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.

The below statement is true

The above statement is false

I used to rock climb, but I was a lot boulder then

I know KUNG-FU! And 42 other dangerous words

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed

If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me?

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

I used up all my sick days...so I called in dead.

You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Forecast for tonight: darkness.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?!

Anatidaephobia- the fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching you.

Sarcasm- a way to insult stupid people without them knowing it.

Oh? Rock beats paper? Okay, you try defending yourself with paper when I throw a rock at you.

Don't steal, the government doesn't like competition.

Kindness is the ability to be nice to someone, even when they don't deserve it.

What I don't get is how people always get attacked by sharks. I mean I would start swimming towards land during the first "Dun, Dun"

The Awkward Moment When Someone Yells At You For Clicking a Pen But You Have To Click It One More Time To Use It.

Smiling At Your Phone Like a Complete Idiot When Someone Says Something Sweet.

I Need a Six Month Vacation Twice a Year

I don't obsess, I think intensely!

People that don't know me think that I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.

Hope you all enjoy my collection of stories below