Edward

"Cute ass!" I shouted when I walked in the house. I tossed my keys on the table and took off my tie.

The love of my life walked into the room with a baseball bat in her grasp. "You called?" Since her Mistress Marie days, she had become successful with a young adult book series. Since there had been plenty of interesting drama in her life, she had a lot of inspiration.

"Happy birthday," I smiled. I pulled her to me for a kiss. The feel of her lips on mine never got old. "Now, what the hell are you doing with that bat?"

"Noah's creature got loose. I'm taking care of it before he gets home from school," she answered. Noah was our nine year old. He was a little on the mischievous side, but overall he gave us the least amount of trouble. Felix got him an iguana for his birthday, knowing that Bella couldn't stand the oversized lizards.

"Baby, that's inhumane," I replied.

She shook her head. "I would think so too if the damn thing hadn't been in the shower with me this morning. I'm glad the kids weren't home. I practically streaked through the house."

I pouted. "Sorry I missed it."

"Jackass," she smiled. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"I'll catch it for you," I told her, bringing her hand to my lips to place a soft kiss on her knuckles.

"Thank you," she replied. When we first got married, she liked to do most things for herself. Somehow I finally convinced her that I wanted to do things for her because I loved her, not because I thought she couldn't do them for herself.

I searched every room for the reptile starting with Sophie's. She was now a beautiful thirteen year old who played for the junior high soccer team. For my last birthday, Charlie bought me a gun in case I needed to keep any little boys away.

There was no sign of the iguana in her room or any of the boys'. Leo and Ethan had both started their senior year of high school. They still played football and were practically heroes in Noah's eyes, especially since they let him hang out with them. They were the best big brothers a boy could ask for.

I went into Mikayla's room. She was our youngest at seven years old. I was curious as to why Bella chose that name, but in no time, Leo had nicknamed her Mikey. He even used some of the money he earned from our bad language habits to buy her a plush Michelangelo ninja turtle when she was a baby. Looking at her, you would assume she was an angel. In reality, she was exactly like her mother.

"There you are." I found the scaly thing standing as still as a statue on Mikayla's vanity table. I was a pro at catching it, having done so many times before. I wouldn't put it past Felix buying our son an iguana that was trained to escape. I took it into Noah's room and made sure it couldn't get out of it's tank again.

"MOM!" I heard Sophie yell, and I had to smile. The kids were home.

I headed downstairs to see what was going on this time. Noah and Mikayla were sharing a bag of chips as they watched the scene before them. Sophie was standing behind Bella with her arms crossed over her chest. Ethan and Leo stood in front of Bella looking a little uneasy. They were taller than her now, but they still got nervous when they got "the look". "You kidnapped your sister?" she growled.

Ethan gave her his best charming smile. "Did I tell you how pretty you look today?"

"That doesn't work on me and you know it," she replied. "Tell me why you felt the need to drag your sister away from her friends and force her into the car. I thought I raised you both to be gentlemen."

"We are," Leo protested. "But those little creeps ogling her weren't. You know how boys that age are."

"Yes, I do," said Bella. "So if Sophie can't have guy friends at school, then you two can't have girl friends outside of school. You know how boys your age are." They gaped at her. "What's it gonna be?" she asked.

"Sorry, Sophie," they both replied.

Sophie still didn't look happy. "You embarrassed me in front of my friends." They both hated it when she was mad at them.

Ethan sighed. "What if we drive you and your girl friends to the movies to make up for it?"

"We'll even suffer through a chick flick, but we're sitting on a different row from you guys. I'm not fighting off the advances of thirteen year olds," he shuddered, thinking of the last time Sophie had a sleepover. Both he and Ethan were considered high school heartthrobs, so they had to lock themselves away for the night to escape the clutches of the giggling girls.

"Deal," Sophie smiled. "And I promise if a guy ever bothers me, I'll gladly let you beat him up."

Bella chimed in. "That's one problem down." She turned to Noah. "Scales got out of his cage again."

"Mom, he really likes you. I can't help it that you're so cool that everyone wants to be around you," said Noah. The kid was a little smooth talker.

"Maybe I should start being meaner. That would fix that problem, don't you think?" Bella asked.

"I'll be more careful," he conceded.

Mikayla smiled cutely when Bella turned to her. "Happy birthday Mommy."

"Your Aunt Rosie called me today. Did you toilet paper the boys' bathroom?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"You told me not to lie, so can I skip that question?" Mikayla replied.

"You're helping the janitor clean Monday while your brothers are at football practice." Mikayla pouted, but Bella simply shook her head. "I've told you repeatedly, if you're going to do stuff like that, you can't get caught."

"Yes ma'am," she sighed.

Bella smiled, "Now, it's my birthday. Why aren't you people hugging me already?" I laughed as I watched them trap her in the middle of their group hug. "Hey!" she shouted at me. "You're not excused from this either."

"Yeah Dad," said Leo. "Get over here." He held out his arm to make room for me between him and Sophie, and I happily obliged. My family was loud, crazy, and perfect.

"Speaking of birthdays," I smiled. "Everyone will be here in about an hour, so you guys should get your homework done before then." There was a collective groan as the kids headed into the dining room and spread out their books. We never ate in there, so it was nice that they found a use for that table.

Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and wrested her head against my chest. We watched as Sophie helped Mikayla with her Math. No one had been more excited than Sophie when we found out that Bella was pregnant with a girl. Of course they fought with each other like most sisters do, but it never lasted long.

Noah never asked for help, but he did let Bella and I or one of his siblings check over it when he was finished.

We had to watch Leo and Ethan when they were younger. Since they were in the same grade, they figured they could split the workload and share answers. They put up a very convincing argument, but of course we shot them down and made them do their own work.

The doorbell rang and Bella rushed to answer it. "Dad!" she smiled as Charlie came in. He was now married to a lovely woman named Sue. When I first met her, I never would have guessed that she was the scary lawyer's mother.

Bella greeted both her father and stepmother before leading them further into the house. I shook Charlie's hand and kissed Sue on the cheek before they were attacked by their grandchildren.

The family began to show up in small groups. Jasper and Alice arrived with Landon. After hugging us, he ran off to play with Noah. "Hey birthday girl," Jasper smiled as he kissed my wife on her temple.

"Hey big brother," she replied.

Then came Carlisle and Esme followed by Emmett and Rosalie with Nate and Lily. Nate was Emmett junior at almost twelve years old. Lily was the same age as Noah, and while she looked like her mother, she was much more delicate. Having Bella and Rosalie pregnant at the same time made Jasper and Alice decide they were happy with just the one. I didn't think it was so bad, but I was pretty much whipped, so my opinion was biased.

"Happy birthday B!" Felix shouted when he burst through the door. He held his squirming six year old under his arm. No one ever thought he would get married, much less have kids. However, the saying "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," isn't entirely accurate. Carlos was conceived at the Monte Carlo Hotel and Casino the same night that his parents drunkenly tied the knot.

"I swear if you weren't good in bed, I would have killed you already," said Leah. Marriage hadn't softened her a bit, but being the lovable idiot that he was, Felix loved it. He spent his days looking for new ways to piss her off, so they could spend their nights making up. She liked to bitch, so it worked for them. They were both good parents though. Of course, Felix was more of the nurturer while Leah was the disciplinarian.

The doorbell rang one last time. We all knew who it was. Jake would have waved had he not had a little girl in each arm. Sarah was six and Bailey was four. "Happy birthday Bells," he smiled.

"Hey!" said Bella happily. "Thank you for coming. Where's the ball and chain?"

"Seriously, that is no way to talk about your sister," said Nessie. She jumped on Bella, wrapping her legs around her and kissing her loudly on the cheek. "Who's the birthday girl?" she cooed.

"Get off me, psycho," Bella laughed.

The house was overrun with children and equally noisy adults. This happened anytime we all got together. Emmett suggested that Bella write a new series called "The Baby Makers" in honor of our family, but she claimed that no one would believe our stories anyway.

Esme started hinting that it was time for a new little one in the family. I had never seen a room clear so quickly. Felix sighed, "I guess I'll take one for the team. Let's go, Leah."

"I'm not drunk enough," she replied much to her mother's dismay. Felix went to the kitchen to make her a drink.

"They're such a lovely couple," Rosalie said sarcastically, causing both Bella and I to chuckle.

Carlisle got everyone's attention. "I would like to make a toast." He held up his glass. "To Bella: a wonderful daughter, a loving mother, a crazy sister, and my son's perfect wife. Happy birthday."

I put my arm around her and she leaned into me. She mouthed a thank you to Carlisle as the others chorused a mixture of "To Bella!" and "Happy Birthday!"

"Bella, I'm so sorry about this," said Alice.

"About what?" we both asked.

The music started, and we groaned. "You thought we'd forget," said Emmett, grinning like a fool with a microphone in his hand. "Sing it, brother."

We suffered through the vocal stylings of Jasper and Emmett. I would have tossed out the karaoke machine again to save us all the torment, but they were guarding it closely this time.

"We're not inviting them to anything else," said Bella.

"I think they've gotten worse over the years," I replied, rubbing her arm soothingly.

Jake and Nessie only fought once, but it was more playful than anything else. He got the piece of cake that she wanted, so they wrestled for it. It didn't really matter who won since Charlie slipped the cake to their daughter Sarah anyway.

After everyone was finished with dinner and cake, Bella opened presents cautiously, just in case she was on anybody's shit list. She made it through the entire process unscathed. No one wanted to mess with us too much anymore. We had an army of five to back us up.

Seeing as how most of us had little children, we called it a night at eight-thirty. Our kids volunteered to clean up the kitchen since it was Bella's birthday. I took the opportunity to steal her away for a few moments. We took one of the ATVs to the gazebo.

"Dance with me?" I asked, offering her my hand.

"Are you going to sing?" she replied as I pulled her to me.

"Of course," I smiled. I moved my mouth to her ear. "Happy birthday to you." She laughed a little. "Shush, you'll ruin it," I teased. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear cute ass. Happy birthday to you."

She pulled back to look at me. "It wasn't cute back then, and it's definitely not cute now."

I let my hand slide down her back and grabbed her ass. "What are you talking about? Your ass just keeps getting better."

"Jackass," she replied, lightly hitting my chest.

I caught her hand and kissed it. "I love you."

She smiled beautifully. "I love you too."

We continued to dance slowly around the gazebo, the place where we first confessed that we loved each other and the place where we promised to be together forever. "Aw!" We turned around to find all five of our kids watching us.

"You remember that time Mom caught you two dancing?" Sophie asked Leo and Ethan.

"Hey!" said Ethan. "We were practicing."

"It paid off too," Leo added. "No one danced with more girls at our first Spring Fling than the Cullen brothers," he said proudly.

Bella laughed. "Still, I'll never forget your faces when you saw me watching."

"Why don't you two show us how it's done," I suggested.

"Nah," said Leo.

"We wouldn't want to show you guys up," smiled Ethan.

We sat down and the kids surrounded us. "We wanted to give you your present, Mom," said Noah. "Sophie did most of the work on it."

"I would have told you about it," Mikey confessed, "but they threatened my life."

"That didn't work though," said Noah. "We had to bribe her. I used my cuss word money to buy her a sundae."

"It was good," she smiled.

I cut in. "Where did you get cuss word money?" Bella and I had cut down a great deal in front of the kids, so we wouldn't go broke.

"From them," he replied, pointing to Ethan and Leo.

"Which is completely unfair since we're the ones that taught him about cuss word money," said Leo.

"So you should know better," Noah argued.

Sophie smiled. "The kid's got a point." Ethan and Leo reluctantly agreed. I saw it as sweet justice. They tried to take all of our money and now they were losing theirs for the same reason.

"Can I please tell Mom what we got her now?" Mikayla begged. "I'm going to explode."

"Go ahead," I relented.

"We wrote you a book!" she announced excitedly.

Bella looked shocked. "Really?"

"We all contributed different stories, and Sophie put them together," Ethan explained, bringing the book out from behind him. It was something we had been working on for awhile. Charlie, Nessie, and Felix helped us by sharing stories about Bella before we got to meet her.

"Can we read some of it?" Noah asked.

"Yes! I can't wait to hear it," said Bella.

The kids took turns reading their favorite parts. It was nice to sit with each other and talk about our favorite memories. I knew there were plenty more to come. I looked over at Bella to see her eyes glistening with tears. She was still a hard-ass most of the time, but the kids had a knack for finding her soft spot. I leaned over and kissed her cheek, causing her smile to widen. "The best part is the title."

"It was supposed to be The Story of Isabella Cullen, but Dad changed it at the last minute," Sophie explained.

Bella slipped the book out of Ethan's hands to look at the cover. She groaned and read it aloud, "Bella Swan: Kidnapper." She looked at me with a smile. "It's funny how something so stupid ended up being the smartest thing I've ever done."

I laughed. "Wait until we write the sequel."

AN: Thanks for reading! I know there are some people that hate happily ever after endings with a bunch of babies, but since this story has been nothing but fluff and giggles from the start, I figure those people flounced a long time ago. :) If you're interested, you can read Jacob and Nessie's version of this story that includes a few new scenes with Bella, Edward, and the kids. (Including when Bella is knocked up with Noah.) It's called Officer Goodbody.