Information:

Hello all! It is I, The Insane Scientiest! Now for those that are here just for the profile jokes, look a little lower and you shall be rewarded. However, If you are here for the actual profile, then stay up here.

I have deleted a few stories, ones I haven't updated in a long time, or don't plan to update. If you liked one or more of those stories, I apologize, but there is nothing I can do now, so you'll just have to settle for killing me in horrendous ways in your imagination.

Now, I know I was supposed to be doing some form of Monster Girl Fan Fiction, but dammit, I am just so interested in RWBY! Especially the Grimm, the soulless baddies of the series. If you enjoy ruthless monsters that want only to kill Humanity and what equates to barely cosplaying furries (I mean no offence, it's just a good explanation) whom are called Faunus, then check out the Grimm. Plus one of the continents looks like a Dragon! A Dragon! How can that not be seen as awesome!

So, the new story is a RWBY story that focuses on Grimm, one of which is the main character. Try to enjoy it if you will. And if not, well I'm sorry my story is palatable to you.

Here's a good motivation!

Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon!

Chinese Proverb

An elevator smells very different to a midget.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER;

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE;
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION;
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC;
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC;
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT;
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY;
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS;
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM;
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA;
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER;
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY;
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE;
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION;
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY;
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ;
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING;
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE;
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP;
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR;
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT;
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS;
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS;
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM;
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE;
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

REMEMBER WHEN...

Getting HIGH meant swinging at the playground?

The worst thing you could get from boys was c0oties?

'm 0 m' (was your hero)

and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?

And your WORST ENEMIES were your siblings

and race issues were about who ran the fastest?

When-WAR-was a card game

and life was simple and carefree?

Remember when all you wanted to do

WAS GROW UP?

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY: COPY and PASTE this if you started giggling, laughing, nodding your head, thought this was hilarious, etc, while you read this!

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions??

8. If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do Forest Rangers go to "Get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock the gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

20. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

21. How is it possible to have a civil war?

22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

23. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed in doing so, which have you done?

25. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

26. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom; don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout "AMEN!".

5.Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks; once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

7.Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy".

9. Skip down the hall rather than walk; see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify that your drive-through order is "To go".

12. Sing along at the Opera.

14. Put Mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!".

18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!".

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

20. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

21. Have friends or coworkers address you by your wrestling name "Rock Bottom".

22. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity;

Reserved

You are somewhat shy, or at least unwilling to spend all your time socializing. With you it's true that "still waters run deep," which is why many of your acquaintances never get to know you well.

You are not always ready to talk at the drop of a hat. Whether you're in the office or at a party, you're not likely to be found gabbing away in the middle of a group of people.

I've decided to find some funny or inspirational quotes from some stories. Here you go!

"Mew is the kind of… being that you want to keep any and all things sugar or caffeine related away from. I remember one day at a meeting, we don't know how, but she managed to find the coffee, right next to the sugar." Arceus shuddered.

"That day, chaos reigned supreme. She was flying around so fast, nothing could stop her. If there was a legend in her way, they quickly became acquainted with the floor; if there was a wall in her way, there was a new place for a door. It took many hours for the rush to wear off, and even then she was still hyper. I hope we never see a re-occurrence of that day, or it will mean the apocalypse."(A Deal With A God)

"The main thing in having a clear head is keeping your mind clear of any and all things, save those that you need. If, for instance, you find yourself battling a foe who uses a particular weapon and nothing more, you must clear your mind of everything other than the uses of this weapon, as well as what you know about that person. It will not matter if you are hungry or thirsty, if you have any particular pain that is not crippling, or even your position. What is important to remember is the information that you immediately need, not that which may prove useless. It is not an easy thing to achieve, but is well worth the effort." (A Deal With A God)

As Alpha passed by the God of Death, he gave him the same death glare he had given Cobalion, and while it did not terrify him, it did faze him somewhat. Then Giratina shrugged the feeling off and muttered

"Damn, it's like everyone has something against me." (A Deal With A God)

"You presume to tell me what you think is going to happen? You must be a beginner since you don't know to respect your elders."

"Oh, I'm sorry, who's ass just got kicked by a beginner?" he mocked Mewtwo, smiling snidely. (A Deal With A God)

"Change is good, Alpha. You yourself should know this; you changed a lot along your journey across the world, and you changed things for the better whenever you defeated an evil syndicate who intended to rule the world. And now you will change the world further by making your mark on the fabric of relationship between humans and pokemon alike. Just remember who you are and what you stand for." (A Deal With A God)

There was a tap at his shoulder and he turned to see his Audino, Cheryl, looking up at him and asked

"Do you hear that?"

A smirked and said

"Probably not. What do you hear?" (A Deal With A God)

"We might lose our friends from time to time, but we can always remember them, and we will always have those memories to share with others. Besides, that's what making new friends is all about; creating newer, happier memories." (A Deal With A God)

"I had the best dream ever; I dreamt that Green had come back to life, and was waiting for me like a sleeping angel on a beach. Maybe I should lay off the alcohol." (A Deal With A God)

"I just won't eat meat. I have no problem with milk, and obviously I can stand to eat eggs, as long as they're unfertilized."

He took another bite of his food, then slammed his face to the table and added

"Or not cooked by me." (A Deal With A God)

"Don't you know curiosity killed the Meowth?" A chuckled and retorted

"No, stupidity killed the Meowth; curiosity was framed." (A Deal With A God)

"Screw you. How could I expect you to understand matters that you don't take the time to look at? Real power isn't determined only by physical strength. It's also determined by one's willingness to stand up for themselves, their willingness to fight for those they hold close. But most importantly, it's determined by one's ability to never give up, no matter how grim the situation. Look at you; how many have fallen to your feet and begged for mercy? Hundreds? Thousands? Well, I'm breaking your streak. You'll never get me to give in, no matter what you do. This may be an old song and dance, but it doesn't matter to me; I've never been much of a dancer anyways. I refuse to play by your rules." (A Deal With A God)

"I wasn't meant to wield a weapon when I first started out either. But I trained and grew into it. You will too, but it's going to take some time. Don't quit on the first day just because it seems hard. Believe me, it will become easier as you progress, but you can't give up." (A Deal With A God)

"Let me ask you this; if no one had come up with the idea to turn apricorns into pokeballs, would there be trainers today?"

"No. Maybe someone could have created another method of capturing pokemon, but the results would be different from what we're familiar with. The only reason that we have the innovations we take for granted every day is because someone decided to try something they had never done before, and the results became the precursor to what we now have. Pokemon have done this before humans even existed, we tagged along for the ride, and things have worked from that ever since."

"We evolved and adapted to everything that has stood in our way. Our parents did it, our grandparents did it, and so has every generation before them. Now it's our turn, and the only way we'll succeed is by placing one foot forward every time. So, what do you say?" (A Deal With A God)

What I think of Twilight:

SCREW TWILIGHT. SCREW EDWARD. SCREW BELLA. DAMN THEM ALL TO THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL WHERE THEY SHALL BURN SOME MORE AFTER I SET THEM ALL ON FIRE. THANK YOU.

Random silly stuff:

37 Things to do in an Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Shout "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make race car noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want; say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style "Is that your final answer?"
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask: "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic; they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

What a best friend would do:

A good friend helps you up when you fall down. A best friend laughs and trips you again. Or sits on you back and forces you to stay down...

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much?"

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do itA good friend never asks for anything to eat or drink. Best friends Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

A good friend Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. A best friend Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.

A good friend borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. A best friend loses your junk and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

A good friend only knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the whole crowds’ butt that left you.

A good friend would knock on your front door. A best friend will walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

A friend will help me find my way when I'm lost. A best friend will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

A friend will help me learn to drive. A best friend will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.

A friend will watch my pets when I go away. A best friend won't let me go away without them.

A friend will go to a concert with me. A best friend will kidnap the band with me.

A good friend hides me from the cops. A best friend is probably the reason they are after me in the first place.

A good friend lets me make an idiot of myself in public. A best friend is up there with me making an idiot out of himself too.

A good friend is only through school/college. A best friend is for life.

More Random! :

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( but that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (I was hoping it was going to be frozen... darn.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!!...)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a plastic bag of carrots from the school cafeteria: "Ingredients: Carrots." (What? Darnit, I was expecting mangos!)

-Be optimistic... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!

-What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

6 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN AND WHY THEY ARE CONSIDERED DIABOLICAL

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the sink. She suddenly notices that her mother had several strands of whitehair on her head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something to make me sad or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl pondered this revelation for a while, then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Kids Are Quick _

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher!

-It's always the last place you look. Well of course it is. Why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

-When you get caught looking at him, just remember he was looking back.

-You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months. But when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

-Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

-He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

-Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

-Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gurgle.

-If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.

-There's a light at the end of every tunnel; just pray it's not a train.

-Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

-When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep; not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

-You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

-OK, so what's the speed of dark?

-It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

-Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

-Normal people worry me.

-The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

-I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down...

-The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.

-We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

-Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

-I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are missing.

-Stupidity killed the cat; Curiosity was framed.

-They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

-If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

-Don't steal; the government hates the competition.

-I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

-When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

-Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

-The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train.

-When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.

-You know it's a bad day when you fall out of bed and you miss the floor.

-War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

-Growing older is mandatory; growing up is optional.

-I've heard that its possible to grow up. I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.

-Kids are the future. Be afraid; be very afraid.

-Sometimes you make me so mad I wanna throw you in the middle of ongoing traffic, but then I realize I would probably kill myself trying to save you.

-Keep on talking; maybe one day you'll say something intelligent.

-It's you and me versus the world...We attack at dawn.

-If all else fails, try reading the instructions.

-If you can't convince them, confuse them.

-Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies.

-Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-The trouble with life is there's no background music.

-I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

-I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!

-Save trees: don't do homework.

-When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eyes.

-Before you criticize some one, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away and you still have their shoes.

-An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

-I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

-If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

-I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

-They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

-If you see a zombie with a chainsaw running after you, run for your life.

-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

-A computer can beat you at chess, but it's no match for me at kickboxing.

-I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by a sparkly thing.

-Sometimes you think things like, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" And then it hits you.

-There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask them.

-The world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus.

-It doesn't have to make sense to be funny.

-I have a life. I simply choose to spend it on the computer.

-Ignore those losers who talk behind your back, it only means you're two steps ahead of them.

-Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Love the people who treat you right and forget the ones who don’t. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it’d be worth it.

-The hell with the dog, beware of owner.

-A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.

-When life gives you lemons, you shut up and eat your damn lemons.

-Nobody dies a virgin. Life screws us all.

-Everyone is gifted. Some just open the package sooner.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-I am the future of America. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

-Some people blame our generation, but did they ever stop to think, who raised us?

-Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. It's your choice.

-Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

-I live in fantasyland and have oceanfront property.

-"Where are you going?” “Crazy! And I’m driving!”

-Today I shall be happier than a bird with a French fry.

-God made man, then thought, "I can do better than that," and then He made woman.

-By the time you finish reading this you will have wasted five seconds of your life.

-By the time you finish reading this you will have finished reading it.

-People say you can't live without love. I think oxygen is more important.

-Isn't it funny how day-by-day nothing changes, and then when you look back, everything's different?

-Love is like war: Easy to start, hard to end, and impossible to forget.

-Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

-Behind every successful person lies a pack of haters.

-I dream of a better tomorrow…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

-Never look back unless you're planning to go that way.

-Another candle on your cake? Don't worry. Be glad you have the strength to blow the damn things out!

-I've discovered I often vision the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.

-Don't hit kids. No, seriously. They have guns now.

-Practice safe lunch. Use a condiment.

-Friends ask you why you’re crying. Best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the jerk that made you cry.

-If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

LOL! The perfect thing to type when there is nothing else to say.

-The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

-I come with my own background music.

-Essay: To explain something that could have been said in two sentences.

-It’s music, not noise.

-Words are kind of not my thing.

-I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.

-A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, “Send me a brother.” Santa wrote back, “Send me your mother.”

-Are you going to school tomorrow? No, I’m riding my unicorn to Alaska.

-Artificial intelligence is no match for real stupidity.

-A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for.

-Admitting you are wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.

Quotes! -

Book/Movie/YouTube/Fanfiction Etc. Quotes -

"Trust me. Killing things is easier than this. Although, for all I know, I am killing you."

"Can you speed it up a little?"

"No. Shut up and eat your pears."

- Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, The Hunger Games

"Er, Finnick? Maybe some pants?"

"Why? Do you find this" *whips off hospital gown and strikes pose* "distracting?"

-Katniss Everdeen and Finnick Odair, Mockingjay.

"This is what we like to call the heat transfer orb of science!"

"Or as we non-morons call it, a lightbulb."

"HEAT TRANSFER ORB OF SCIENCE!"

"Okay, okay, spaz..."

Something K got off someone else's profile

"Who's this, your great-aunts?"

"Great-grandmothers, twice removed."

"Shoot, you're ninety-six if you're a day."

"I'm a night."

"Brother, you're a sharp one. Where'd you two ever get to be picked up by a couple of greasy hoods like Pony and Johnny?"

"We really picked them up. We're really Arabian slave traders and we're thinking about shanghaing them. They're worth ten camels apiece at least."

"Five. They don't talk Arabian, I don't think. Say something in Arabian, Johnnycake."

- Two-Bit Mathews, Cherry Valance, and Marcia, The Outsiders

"Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you?... When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the sh*t out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people."

-George Carlin

"It's a great country, but it's a strange culture. ... This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - and they're gonna keep the f*cking real ones!"

-George Carlin

"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me."

-George Carlin

"I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds! And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out."

-George Carlin

"Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:

We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet.We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter."

- George Carlin.

"BEHOLD THE ALMIGHTY RUBBER DUCKY!"

-Neo, in benignmilitancy's Pointless Agent Insanity

"Aw, wittle kitty go meow now?"

-Agent Brown, in Pointless Agent Insanity

"My name is John Constantine; IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, I EXCISE YOU FROM THIS BODY!"

"Wrong movie."

"Um...Moo?"

-Neo and Agent Smith, in Pointless Agent Insanity

"It's the true question of all existence, my friends…is this really a gun, or do I just think it's a banana?"

-Morpheus, in Pointless Agent Insanity

"NO! NOT MY LAVENDER SMOOTH PRETTYS! COME BACK MY LOVES! PART US NOT, PART US NOT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, COME BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

-Agent Brown, to his breast implants, in Pointless Agent Insanity

"Busy meaning he gets stoned and makes prank calls to Switzerland asking where the hell all of their cheese mines are."

-Mouse, on Morpheus' claim that he is a very busy man, in Pointless Agent Insanity

"I seriously have to stop the LSD...because Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is actually starting to make sense to me now."

-Agent Smith, Pointless Agent Insanity

"Go to Hellhopenfhagenfwar!"

-Agent Jones, Pointless Agent Insanity

"Rule Number One...I know that Pepsi and Mentos are an interesting combination, but do not blow anything up with them unless you are prepared to vacuum the inside of the car seats and get sucked into Narnia just like we did last time. Rule Number Two: Do not switch each other's bodies. God knows how that happened, but with you two, I suppose anything is possible...Rule Number Three: Do not kick, punch, scratch, tear, pierce, shred, detonate, decimate, annihilate, maul, eradicate, mar, ruin, spraypaint, defecate, or else defile or destroy anything within the planetary radius...Do you understand me so far?"

"Yes, ma'am–sir–Justin Timberlake."

"Good. Oh, I almost forgot the most important rule—Rule Number Four...This, my sirs, is called the ignition. You are to never, under ANY circumstances, touch it. It is the one thing you never touch. You can touch matches, toxins, forks in toasters, open electrical sockets, explosive substances, and nuclear waste, but the ignition is explicitly dangerous to your health. Think of the ignition as my sunglasses: you touch Smith's sunglasses without his written permission, you die a slow, horrible, painful, black roasting death by means of Smith cooking you for dinner...Yes, Jones?"

"Are we gonna be tasty? 'Cause Jones can get awfully bland without a pinch of oregano."

"NO!"

-Agent Smith, Agent Brown, and Agent Jones, Pointless Agent Insanity

"You bastard! You killed him! You killed my chocolate milkshake!...No, don't die, Marty! You're going to live! You're going to live, goddammit, and we're going to have it all! We'll take that vacation in Maui just like you wanted, and we'll get remarried on the beach, and we'll ride all the rides at Fantasy Island, and I promise you, this time I won't throw up from the top car on the Ferris Wheel just to see how high up we are!"

-Neo, Pointless Agent Insanity

"Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left…"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you just stop to ask for directions?"

"I told you, I know where I'm going...you just sit tight."

"Going where?...I can see the Oracle's apartment right there! She's sticking out her tongue at us and giving cookies to an escaping pair of Exiles while tap-dancing on the windowsill with a banner that says 'I JACKED YOUR GPS, STUPID!'"

-A GPS, a passenger Smith clone, and a driving Smith clone, in benignmilitancy's Memoirs of Insanity

"No. Wrong. Cookies are an illusion between those with cake, and those without."

-The Merovingian, Memoirs of Insanity

"I can't cuddle with you when you turn into a baseball! Why are you such a cold-hearted baseball ,Trin? WHY?"

-Neo, Memoirs of Insanity

"THE TACO MUST DIE! IT'S ZION OR THE TACO!"

"WHY MUST I CHOOSE?"

"THROW OUT THE DAMN TACO, MORPHEUS!"

"NEVER! My beany preciousssss..."

Trinity and Morpheus, Memoirs of Insanity

"General Lemarque is dead!"

"Le gasp!"

"Yesss! Th assassination worked...I mean...NUUUUU!"

-Gavroche, Les Amis, and Enjolras in In The Loft's Les Miserable Spoof

"You know something? You're crazy."

"Yeah, because I practice."

-Mark and Damien Thorn, in Damien: Omen II

"What is the door?"

"The door is everything! All that once was and all that will be! The door controls time and space, love and death! The door can see into your mind! THE DOOR CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL!!!"

"Really, the door can do all that?"

"Heh, no!"

-Charlie the Unicorn, and the Pink and Purple Unicorns, from Charlie the Unicorn 3

"What's the point of mermaids if you can't have sex with them?"

-Mario Bianchi, from Skippy Dies

"I'll take a potato chip...And eat it!"

-Light Yagami, from Death Note. I will never eat potato chips the same way ever again... =)

"Someone's gonna hang if I don't get my coffee!"

"Decaf?"

"I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!"

-Luigi Largo and a Gentern, from Repo! The Genetic Opera.