"You with your ice breath and you with your south of the border squirrel talk."- Buttercup from PPG

Me- "You know your screwed when the anime is in Japanese and the subtitles are in Spanish"

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read. - Karl Marx

"There is a difference between a psychopath and a neurotic. A psychopath thinks two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four, but he worries about it."- I found this in a story and liked it.

Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
John Watson: I don't know.
Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.

Something I over heard- You can't spell manslaughter without laughter.

Little Jimmy was a chemist,
Now little Jimmy is no more,
Because what he thought was H20
Was H2SO4

When it rains on my parade, I bust out the Slip'n'Slide!

Stress: The body's punishment for overriding the desire to strangle some jerk who deserved it.

My best friend is the type of person who'll spend hours trying to drown a fish, but I love her to death anyway.

Growing old is MANDATORY Growing UP is OPTIONAL

People are like Slinky's, good for nothing but make you smile when pushed down stairs

Procrastinators UNITE! ... TOMORROW

Well-behaved women rarely make history

Contradicting Story

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for the referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "Hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye.
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And ran to save the two dead boys.
And if you don't believe it's true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too

I

really

absolutely

positively

hate

you

Hate: A special kind of love we give to people who suck.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect to get it back.

When life gives you lemons, spit the lemons in life's eyes.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

You are depriving some village of an idiot.

Chaos, panic and disorder... Well, my work here is done.

"People think I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy...It is in a glass jar on my desk." - Stephen King

Real life questions that have been asked in court:
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_ _ _ _ _

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_ _ _ _

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
Pessimist- the glass is half empty.
Fatalist-the water will evaporate.
Existentialist- the glass is.
Feminist- all glasses are equal.
Narcissist-look at me in the water!
Polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
Evangelist-the glass must repent.
Socialist-share the glass.
Capitalist-sell the glass.
Anarchist- break the glass.
Psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?