'Everyone has a dark side. A side that whispers to us in the night, filling our thoughts with desires we usually wouldn't have. What seperates us from them is that we don't give in to the dark side. We fight it.'

Name:

Bob the undertaker. If you need to get rid of a body just let me know.

Age:

As old as my tounge and a little bit older than my teeth.

Birthplace:

Mars Vegas

Current location:

Sin City

High School:

I was not allowed into high school. I was so smart i made everyone else look bad!

Eye color:

left: blue Righ: green I get freaked just looken in the mirror

Hair color:

i say brown but i've been told dirty blond

Height:

6ft 7. Totaly Awsome. I should play for the celtics

Right handed or left handed:

Right

Heritage:

Irish, Scotish, somthingish, and Canadian

The shoes you wore today:

I sold my shoes to get money to buy this computer to...oh nevermind. its a long story.

Your Weakness:

Women.

Your Fears:

Women.

Your perfect pizza:

pizza delivered by a hot delivery girl.

Goals you'd like to achieve this year:

1) Go to a college party and wake up without a memory of the night before.

2) Kill all Aliens. THEY STOLE UP MY 78 FORD BRONCO!!! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!

3) Dance an Irish jig

Your most overused phrase on instant messenger:

boned

First thought waking up:

'Stupid aliens...'

Your best physical feature:

Guess

Your bedtime:

7am. I am strctly nocternal.

Your most missed memory:

ALIENS STOLE THAT TOO!!! DANM THEM! DANM THEM ALL!!!

Pepsi or Coke:

Pepsi

McDonald's or Burger King?

The Clowns a petifile and the kings a crook. I like IN-N-OUT

Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea:

Fricken limes. We threw all the tea into the harbor and yet its still here!

Chocolate or Vanilla:

Vanilla. Choclates to Choclaty

Tea or Coffee:

I think i expressed my ideas about tea.

Do you smoke:

Nope

Do you sing:

Only in public.

Do you shower daily:

'SNIFF' 'SNIFF' i did today.

Have you been in love:

Yup. The first time i laid eyes on a double double, i swore no other restarant was for me.

Do you want to go to college:

College is a scam. 8 out of 10 students will probably be burger flippers. Maken me my double doubles.

Do you want to be married:

You mean do i want to be legaly sold into slavery to a cruel mistress who will boss me around nag about the fact that i watch too much baseball, and always be there for me when i'm down? Hell yes.

Do you believe in yourself:

If i didn't exist, could i answer this question?

Do you get along with your parents:

Meh

Do you like thunderstorms:

Yup

In the past month have you drunk alcohol:

UMMM...Could you repeat the question?

In the past month have you smoked:

Smoked what?

In the past month have you been on drugs:

Are you a cop?

In the past month have you been on a date:

Everytime i go to IN-N-OUT.

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:

No.

In the past month have you eaten sushi:

No.

What is your favorite tv show:

Futurama, Firefly, Primevil, Starsky and Hutch.

Favorite band:

Kansas, Owl City, Train.

Favorite movie:

Serenity, The Hangover, How to murder your Wife.

Favorite book:

Don't have one. But my favorite author is Clive Cussler

In the past month have you stolen anything:

Who wants to know?

Ever been drunk:

Ask if i've been sober.

Ever been called a Tease:

What?

Ever been beat up:

Yup

How do you want to die:

In a grotesque military manner.

What do you want to be when you grow up:

Feared.

Number of things I regret:

Drinking. Stealing. Waking up yesterday with your mom.

Speacial thanks to MyMusesSpeakToMe cause they told me to do these questons if i like music and i didnt really didn't know were to start and blahblahblahblah...

You might be obbsesed with futurama if...

1) You start or end every sentence with a line from the show (Yep, I'm back, baby)

2) When you're friends ask why you're drinking so much Coke you reply:"I'm not drinking Coke, you idiot! It's Slurm, I'm looking for the golden bottle cap so I can party on the planet Wormulon!"

3) Your friends don't question you because they're used to that sort of thing.

4) You can draw all the characters with out looking at a picture or tracing.

5) Even if you couldn't draw them well, you wouldn't need a picture because your T.V always has Futurama related topics playing on it.

6) You signed, wrote and publisheda petition to bring the show back.

7) When the show DID come back you jumped up and down screaming: "YEAH, BABY! YEAH!!!!!!!!" While running up and down the street, wearing whatever it was you were wearing when you found out.

8) Your neighbors take no notice because to them, that's normal.

9) There is a dent in the couch near your T.V

10) You HATE the FOX Network with all your heart.

11) You wonder why your single.

12) You own all the DVD box sets and movies.

13) You have them in a dimondillium case behind a painting of you next to a safe.

14) You jump up and become very exited when someone says "Matt Greoning"

15) You are a nerd.

16) You read the end credits. (Man, that's dedication)

17) When someone says that they don't like Futurama you jump up, call 911 and report a homicidal maniac loose in your house.

18) You are instantly friends with anyone that knows what Futurama is.

19) You force them to love the show.

20) You become exited when you pass by a sign that says: Torgo.

21) You become mad when you find out the add is a hoax.

22) You are then bailed out of jail by a fellow Futurama freak.

23) You have a dog named Seymour.

24) You tryed to mutate a poodle and a monkey so you could have a Niblonian.

25) You are bailed out of jail by a fellow Futurama Freak.

26) You sued the company that makes Phillips screwdrivers because they refused to change their name to Phillip Fry screwdrivers.

27) You are bailed out of jail by a fellow Futurama Freak.

28) You are a shipper. (You're not a fan unless your a shipper! That is the law of the Futurama nerd)

29) You must kill every bee you see for fear that they will grow and kill your best friend.

30) You "get" all the jokes and laugh at every single one.

40) You decide to advertise Futurama at a football game.

41) You are bailed out of jail by a fellow Futurama freak.

42) You don't use toothpaste anymore.

43) You know what #42 is referring too.

44) You can only draw people with four fingers and overbites.

45) You screamed with joy when you saw the end of Into The Wild Green Yonder, then you jumped up, ran around your neighborhood and screamed: "FINALLY! FINALLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAHHHHHH- HOOOOOOO!"

46) You know who does what voice. (I know that one person does a voice on King of The Hill and another does Homer Simpson's voice but he's a rarely used voice... do you know who I mean? Well... DO YOU!?)

47) You believe that the world would be a better place if we all watched Futurama... imagine if there was a war and no one showed up because they were all watching the show? Yeah... think about it.

48) You have tried every measure to contact Matt Greoning except one.

49) You try that one. (I'll let you decide what I mean...)

50) You are bailed out of jail by Matt Groening. When this happens you suffer from six heart-attacks at once, you spaz out then refuse to be taken to an ambulance and insist on repaying M.G by working it off (as a guest star).

Things You Should know:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed totell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24.. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and ashot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Diffrence Between Friend and Best Friend

A friend will bail you out of jail.

A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying 'Man, we sure fucked up bad.'

Diffrences Between Men and Women

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults with the exception of a teen magazine vocabulary. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:

Women's magazines have sexy women on the cover. Men's magazines have sexy women on the cover.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than a clown car. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going Out:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Work Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Other Shoes:

Women have millions of shoes, one for every outfit. Men have millions of shoes, one for every sport or athletic activity.

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:

Women look into mirrors for hours arranging makeup and doing a million things to their hair only to decide they are having a bad hair day.
Men look into the mirror before they go out for no apparent reason.

Garage:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

Movies:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when the entire 3rd floor of the research lab blows up but the terminator drives out in "Terminator II".
In general, women like movies with more romance than competition and violence (which they call "Male Testosterone Movies"). Men like movies with more competition and violence than romance (which they call "Chick Flicks").

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Menwill drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail... A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

Politics:

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony," what everyone wore, and who cried the most. Men try and change the subject.

Cheerleaders:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut below the ankles, have pictures of teddy bears or hearts on them, and are most likely pink.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, computer programs that do useless things very fast, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Eating out:

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Haircuts:

For men haircuts are a short and simple process: make an appointment, go in, come out with your hair slightly shorter. For women the process is much more complicated. First, numerous hair styles, colorings and lengths must be considered. The only hairstylist in the world they trust must be reserved. The whole process is filled with excitement and worry. And finally she hides from the world for several days because she is not sure if she likes her new haircut.

Relationship:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doint it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Sports Arena:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas.
The women usually end up following men.

Conversation:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:

Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Menon a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a manexcused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Sports:

Women like sports that are judged on grace and beauty, such as gymnastics and figure skating. Men like sports that are judged on physical aggression and violence, such as football, hockey and boxing. There are no sports that both men and women enjoy. Full contact gymnastics never got off the ground.

Six Reasons Computers are Female:

1. As soon as you get one, a better one is just around the corner.

2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

4. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

5. The message, "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as: If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you.

6. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Facts about Men: (posted by the wife)

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. A man is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, you have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Facts about women: (posted by me.)

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair *before* bed.

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.

The first naked man woman see is "Ken".

Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.

Women will make three left-hand turns to avoid making one right-hand turn

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?

Favorite Quotes:

'I can't belive it. I'm losing to a bird.'

Serenity

Mal: 'I aim to be doin some misbehaven'

Jayne: Shiny. Lets be bad guys.

Firefly

Mal: Get. I got captiny things i have to do.

Starsky & Hutch

Starsky: You sold me a hot watch. Huggy: It was cold when i touched it.

The Princess Bride

Inago: My name is Inago Mantoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Dread Pirate Robberts (DPR): Your that smart? Vizzini: Let me put it this way, you've heard of Aristotle, Plato, Socrates? DPR: Yes. Vizzini: Morrons.

DPR: Sleep well, my friend, and dream of large women.

Mirical Man: I'll probably kill whoever you want me to save. Fezzik: But he already dead. Mirical Man: Oh well in that case bring him in.

Mirical Man: Your freind here is mostly dead. Theres a diffrence. If he was all dead there would be only one thing to do. Inago: What? Mirical Man: Go through his pockets and look for loose change.

The Honeymooners

Norton: Hello, ball.

As I sit here typing this, Johns body blissfuly unaware, i contemplate how to get rid of the usless right hand. I will bid my time. Soon, that carefree jerk will be no more.