1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going

e an online match against me sometime. frequently play Resident evil 6, need for speed hot pursuit/most wanted, Dark souls and tekken 6/TTT2

to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

1. You accidentaly enter your password on your microwave.

2. You haven't played solitare with real cards in years.

3. The reason for not staying in touch with your freinds is they don't have a screen name or my space.

4. You would rather look all over the house for the remote rather than just pushing the buttons on the t.v.

6. Your boss dosen't even have the ability to do your job.

7. As you read this list keep nodding and smiling.

8. As you read this list you think of sending it to all your freinds.

9. And you were to busy to notice # 5

10. And you scrolled back up to see if their was a # 5

11. Now your laughing at yourself stupidly.

12. Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Damn … we fucked up … but that shit was fun!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a book about you, with direct quotes from you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “Bitch, drink the rest of that, you know we don’t waste.”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to whats wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will ignore this
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost this.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise-versa copy this into your profile.

If you and/or your best friend are insane, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy, copy this into your profile.

If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever (almost) taken over the world, but were distracted by something shiny, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever lost someone you loved, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If at least once a week, someone misspells or mispronounces your last name...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile

If you want to fire and/or sue those bloody weather men for giving you false hope so often (for snow days or something)...Copy and paste this to your profile, so we know who to call when we lead an angry mob :)

If you've ever been so obsessed with a TV or Movie character that you scare everyone who knows you, join the club, and copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile

Sicence prvoes taht eevn wehn the wrods are srcabmled up you can sitl raed tihs. Cpoy and Psate tihs itno yuor porflie if you can raed tihs.
tihs is so fkneairg asomwe!!

If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this is your profile.

If you've ever been obsessed with something even if it gave you horrifying nightmares, copy and paste this to your profile.

Naruto fanfics are over populated by yaoi, primarily NaruSasu. If you believe me put this on your profile.
By Order of ChaosLink

Naruto for Rokudaime Hokage! If you also want Naruto to succeed Tsunade as the next Hokage, then copy and paste this to your profile page, and add your name to the list! Help Naruto achieve his dream!: KinKitsune01, Dipstick1214,Thousand Tailed Holy FlashFang, Chaos Nutter

If you have ever went up a down escalator and got caught, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever considered murdering someone and actually found yourself plotting their demise copy this to your profile

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile

If you think it's unfair Deidara comitted suicide to kill Sasufag and think Sasuke's a god-modder who deserves that nickname, copy and paste this into your profile.

if you have crazy psycopathic dreams of world domination join me and copy this into ur profile

if you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile! (I know, I'm a total loon.)

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

93 percent of teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love

The Stupidest Things On Products

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Wow. That's really helpful)

On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Aw, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions:"Put on fork and eat."(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food!?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion).

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos!: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (the shoplifter special?)

On a Korean knife: “Keep out of children” (I should bloody well hope so!)

Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop"(That means you, Hulk! Put that bloody airplane down, you might drop it!)

Scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Again, I should bloody well hope so!)

Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children." (Good thing babies aren't children, isn't it!)

Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yeah. My grandmother died because she thought my hair dye was ice-cream topping and put it in a sundae)

Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (OMG!! That's as amazing as a newsreader reading the news!)

Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)

RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (Did someone do this once...?)

Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (No. Duh. Sherlock)

in my opinion this is my most important thing on my profile

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

"Be careful of your thoughts. Thoughts become words.
Be careful of your words, Words become actions.
Be careful of your actions. Actions become habits.
Be careful of your habits. Habits define character.
Be careful of your character. Character defines destiny!"
Unknown

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered for having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

What Kisses Mean:

Forehead: You'll be mine forever

Hand: I adore you

Ear: I'm horny

Cheek: You mean so much to me

Shoulder: I want you

Neck: I want you now

Lips: I love you

Holding Hands: We can learn to love each other

Wink: Let's get it on

Holding On Tight: I love you too much to let go

Looking in the Eyes: I'm so in love with you

Arm Around Waist: I'll show off my love for you

Spank on the Ass: That's mine...bitch XD

Laughing While Kissing: I am completely comfortable with you

Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

When Ranma Saotome killed the Phoenix God King Saffron, Chuck Norris, being a half a world away, looked up in pride, smiled and said “that’s my boy!”

Chuck Norris has a Chance in Hell.

Originally the Joker was Chuck’s arch-foe, but one roundhouse kick later, his skin turned white, his hair green and he headed for Gotham.

You really want to know how Joker got those scars? Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face.

The reason why Outworld hadn’t went for their tenth win against Earth realm is because Raiden threatened to get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can defeat Darkside’s optic blasts with a roundhouse kick. (There os a pic of this on )

Chuck got Sparda, Dante’s father, out of hell.

Master Chief is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was sent ten thousand years to the past, met and married a goddess who in turn gave him a daughter. We know the child as: Sailor Moon.

Chuck doesn’t wash his dishes, they get clean out of fear.

Step One: Naruto is being chased by an angry mob even though he's only three years old (barly old enough to wipe his own ass) and living alone for some reason.

Step Two: He trips and/or reaches a dead end (oh noooo's) and they procede to inflict grevous, crippling, and all around over exaggerated unsurvivable wounds.

Step Three: After ten minutes of stabbing and beating (Which miraculously avoided his vitals) someone comes in to inflict the the final blows at the crowds jeering.

Step Four: In a 'thrilling' and 'suspenseful' moment a giant war-hammer is swung down on Naruto, only to be stopped an inch from his head by token superhero #25.

Step Five: Token superhero #25 yells at crowd. "WHAT ARE DO DOING TO TO THIS POOR BOY?!," crowd replies. "KILLING THE DEMON!" or the like. Slaughter ensues.

Step Six: Sarutobi and an Anbu squad show up. (perfect timing) Hokage confronts token superhero #25. "WHO ARE YOU?!" hero responds. "I'm super awesome-man! (Relation to Naruto's parents optional) Now why are your villagers attacking this poor boy?"

Step Seven: The Hokage proceeds to break his own law and tells to complete strangers Narutos life story, much to their outrage.

Step Eight: Token superhero #25 says he's taking the boy away to train him. Sarutobi agrees immendiatly without arguement, but pleads for them to return for the Genins exams. #25 agrees. (The fact that he agreed to bring the kid back to a place that delivered a massive beating to a three year old didn't seem to bother him.)

Step Nine: Naruto wakes up after the ten minute conversation completely healed, energetic, and with enough brain damage to forgive the entire ordeal. (Apparently he's Jesus, filled with infinate forgiveness for the unforgivable)

Step Ten: They fill Naruto in on the details and he begs to be able to come back to be Hokage. (a three year old can comprehend that...how?) and the duo is off.

Step Eleven: Time skip. Naruto returns, covered in trench coats and pictures of foxes. (throwing all stigmas to the wind).

Step Twelve: Meets Hokage and dishes out all his skills in painful detail. (Throwing all ninja sense to the wind.) Assigned to go to the academy, which happens to be having its exam that day.

Step Thirteen: Shows off dramarically for the test and remainder of story, powning everyone but Orochimaru in the Forest of death.

Step Foreteen: Falls in love with Hinata?!

Props to Silent Master for his well thought out and reasoned rant (claps)