My username: Don't ask. Just don't. It was fashioned during one of my (many) weird moments, and has nothing to do with anything in my real life.

Just for future reference, I HATE bad grammar and spelling. If the story is good, I can ignore it, but it irks me all the same. But the thing I hate the most is when there's no sentence fluency. I hope I didn't sound too much like a teacher just then.

Update: my friend, Le Fantome Victorien, wrote a story that she published on here, and though I am not credited, I am a co-author (in the authors notes, I am known as C). It is Phantom of the Opera, and we wrote it in RL first in the style of a roleplay. That means I pick a character and write from her POV, then my friend writes from her character's POV, and so on and so forth. Anyway, it's called Roses of Life, and you should go read it. And review it. It's in my fave stories.

British vs American spelling:

centre vs center
fibre vs fiber
litre vs liter
theatre vs theater/theatre (it depends on the context)
colour vs color
flavour vs flavor
humour vs humor
labour vs labor
neighbour vs neighbor
apologise vs apologize
recognise vs recognize
organise vs organize
analyse vs analyze
paralyse vs paralyze
travelled/travelling/traveller vs traveled/traveling/traveler
fuelled/fuelling vs fueled/fueling
manoeuvre vs maneuver
paediatric vs pediatric
defence vs defense
licence vs license
offence vs offense
pretence vs pretense
analogue vs analog/analogue (depends on the context)
catalogue vs catalog/catalogue (same as above)
dialogue vs dialog/dialogue (same as above)

In summation: British words typically have 'ou,' 'yse/ise,' 'se,' and 're'. American words are usually 'o,' 'yze/ize,' 'ce,' and 'er'.

If you are British and your character or setting is American, then the narrative should match with American spelling, and vice versa. If you are not sure about a spelling, expression, slang, or anything else, get a beta.

My favorite pairings (the bold are my OTPs):

Big Bang Theory:

Penny/Leonard- So cute together! If I had it my way, they never would have broken up, but I love that Penny is so clearly not over him, and I think they probably weren't ready to be together that first time.

Howard/Bernadette- Yay! They are now married! Bernadette is such a sweetie, and if Howard's gonna settle down with anyone, it’ll be her.

Sheldon/Amy- I love how they are of the same 'species' and I don’t like anyone else with Sheldon, especially not Penny. Seriously, it's lucky Penny hasn’t killed Sheldon by now. I don’t think either Sheldon or Amy will ever be capable of being with anyone else, so it's a good thing they found each other.

Eric Gablehauser/Mary Cooper- What can I say? I like the idea of Dr. Gablehauser being Sheldon's new 'daddy'.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Buffy/Angel- Oh God, I really loved them. They had such great chemistry and a wonderful dynamic. I believe that they will never be over each other completely, and will forever keep coming back together.

Buffy/Spike- I fell in love with Spike before I fell in love with pairing. He's the only one I like her with after Angel left. Their passion was amazing, he was a brilliant character, and despite their flaws I think she really did love him.

Buffy/Faith- I ship this because they are two great characters on their own, but together their parallels make for wonderful scenes. Faith had one of the best character arcs ever. If it was canon, I'd have a hard time shipping anything else.

Angel/Spike- There could be oil involved.

Angel/Buffy/Spike- It would solve a lot of problems.

Angel/Buffy/Faith/Spike- For some reason I can just see them all buying a loft with only three bedrooms and just sort of sleeping wherever they fell and taking comfort in their shared pain and fighting evil at night and doing silly domestic things by day.

Xander/Cordelia- I shipped it when it was happening, then they both moved on to different things and it felt okay. I'm happy they ended on a reasonably good note.

Xander/Anya- Yes, so much yes. Whedon hates joy.

Willow/Oz- Oh they were so cute together. I was sad when he left, but ultimately I feel the same about this as Xander/Cordelia.

Willow/Tara- One thing I really liked is that when the actors had chemistry, the writers/producers/whatever went with it and gave them a romance. Never mind that they were both women. That's a fairly big problem today in television; couples are written with a great deal of subtext that, if portrayed between a man and a woman, would result in romantic love, but because they're the same sex, it's not allowed (I'm looking at you, Supernatural). It's called 'queer baiting.' When Tara died, it was for the purposes of exploring Willow's addiction to magic storyline, which I get. Unfortunately it had elements of Bury Your Gays that was likely unintentional. Back on topic: I loved these two, they had a beautiful relationship, and I wish they could have had a long and happy life together.

Xander/Willow- Eh, I like them better as friends.

Firefly:

Wash/Zoe- Married, totally in love, what more do you need? Unfortunately, the BDM had to ruin that for us… However, Dark Horse Comics released a new comic which showed Zoe several months after the movie and pregnant with Wash's daughter. Please note that the idea was accepted by (the all-powerful) Joss Whedon, and that he had some input in it. So it is TOTALLY CANON! Zoe and Wash are having a girl!!! Whoo!

Simon/Kaylee- They are both so sweet, and I find the fact that Simon gave up everything for his little sister to be immensely brave, and it is just more proof of how good he would be for Kaylee, kind heart and all. Plus, the engine room scene at the end of the movie was awesome… :)

Malcolm/Inara- Love their banter and chemistry, and how they are in complete denial of their feelings. Mal is so complex, as Inara says, and I think they would compliment each other well, but they're both so stubborn!

Jayne/River- I’m not a huge advocate of this pairing, but I like the dynamic: skinny, genius girl and big, scary merc. I think if the show had gone on longer, they would have maybe played around with this one, or at least on River's end. So this one is not one of my extreme passions, but I also don’t like either of them paired up with anyone else.

Harry Potter: I’m gonna give this one a blanket explanation: Because it's canon. I don't read a lot of Harry Potter fics as it is, partly because the original story was amazing, and hardly anything can measure up.

Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, James/Lily, Remus/Tonks, Teddy/Victoire, Bill/Fleur, Draco/Astoria, Neville/Hannah, Rolf/Luna

How I Met Your Mother:

Marshall/Lily- Please tell me I don't need to explain this one. They are so perfect for each other! They're pretty much the only couple that got a happy ending; I don't count Ted/Robin because that was utter crap.

Ted/The Mother- So they showed her. She was amazing. She and Ted had chemistry. The made us love her. AND THEN THEY KILLED HER WHAT THE FUCK.

Barney/Robin- I was surprised in season four/five when he liked her, but it grew on me in season five. Shame on you, writers, for ending it too soon. They've had a lot of moments in season six, which leaves the door open on this one. I was neutral throughout season 7; though I found myself rooting for them, I actually liked other love interests such as Kevin and Nora. Quinn, not so much. But now that we know they get married, I am very excited for the wedding. UPDATE: That was bullshit. You do not spend an entire season on their wedding and then BREAK THEM UP IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OF THE FINALE. Can you tell I hated that finale?

Merlin:

Arthur/Merlin- One does not simply watch Merlin and then not ship Merthur. But seriously, the way they look at each other sometimes... Plus, Merlin dislikes every girl matched up with Arthur ever, except Gwen, and that's because she's one of his best friends.

Arthur/Gwen- They're a really sweet couple, they really love each other, and they would have made such beautiful babies. And Gwen is a badass queen.

Merlin/Morgana- This had so much potential. They could have had Merlin reveal his magic to her to show her that she was not alone, then there could have been this whole other element to her betrayal, since she would have wanted him to be on her side and help restore magic to the kingdom. The actors had a lot of chemistry, and it would have added another layer to Morgana instead of having her just be The Villain. I still can't believe that after she was his friend for years, Merlin just straight up killed her with barely any remorse.

Gwen/Lancelot- He was such a great guy, and he really loved her.

Morgana/Gwen- I wish their friendship had been given more gravity. Often princesses/ladies of the court were closest to their servants since they spent all their time together.

Phantom of the Opera:

Erik/Christine- Because… duh!

Raoul/Meg- I don't really care what happens to the fop, but Meg was a good friend to Christine in the movie, and I want her to be happy, even though I'm not sure Raoul's the one to make her that way. It just seems too convenient to drop Meg with Raoul in order to give everyone a spouse in the end. But I don't have strong feelings toward either of these guys enough to care either way.

Sherlock (BBC):

Sherlock/John- It would take up too much space if I listed all the reasons why.

Mycroft/Lestrade- I can take it or leave it. Some fics of them manage to be really sweet, though. I'd like to see them meet in canon.

Moriarty/Moran- Well, if they would just show Moran...

Moriarty/Molly- I don't really ship it, but I support the idea of Molly gaining the upper hand and dumping him and generally being a badass.

Supernatural:

Dean/Castiel- OTP to end all OTPs. Heartbreakingly perfect. They weren't supposed to fall in love and they did, and somehow they always find their way back to each other no matter what. If they don't end up canon I'm gonna scream.

Sam/Gabriel- Gabriel showing weaknesses :) Gabriel opening up to Sam :) Sam finally feeling that he is worthy of love :) Height differences :)

Sam/Jess- I think Jess represents the best part of Sam's life, and that's why he still loves her after all this time. I think they really could've been happy for the rest of their lives.

Sam/Lucifer- I'm not a big fan of the destructive, manipulative aspects, but the idea of Lucifer having this one human that he just loves when he hates all the rest is so interesting.

Anna/Jo- I... I just don't know why, other than Jo having her own guardian angel would be awesome. Besides, the fandom is largely responsible for both of their deaths, so it's sorta fitting there.

Bobby/Ellen- So sweet, she would have been so good for him.

Chuck/Becky- LOOK THEY WERE REALLY DORKY TOGETHER OKAY DON'T JUDGE ME.

Charlie/Gilda- Adorable! Charlie deserves a girlfriend as awesome as she is, and who better than a fairy? Please come back, Gilda (without dying).

Charlie/Dorothy- They can rule Oz together!

Adam/Samandriel- I'll stop shipping crack pairings when the actors stop being such cuties. NO BUT THEY WERE BOTH TORTURED AND ABANDONED BY THEIR BROTHERS AND DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER AND PARALLELS AND WHYYY.

Switched at Birth:

Bay/Emmett- My OTP for this show, for they are really cute together. This pairing seemed like a long shot at first with his supposed crush on Daphne and her thing with Ty. So I was surprised and a little skeptical when Emmett announced he liked Bay. I didn't think I'd ever be passionate about them together, but their amazing chemistry proved me wrong. I think she was right to break up with him after he slept with Simone, and I didn't want her to forgive him right away, but I hoped that in time, they would get back together because I think they really love each other.

Daphne/Emmett- I was willing to go with it because I like both of these characters and that was the direction the writers seemed to be going. Alas, this was before they introduced Bemmett, which is too amazing for words.

Daphne/Wilke- He's funny and cute, and I wish he would have stayed.

Daphne/Travis- Didn't like him at first, but he grew on me.

Teen Titans:

Robin/Starfire- Just really cute and sweet. I never really got into the Rob/Rae pairing; I prefer those two as friends. Maybe I just have a soft spot for Starfire, but I think she's extra cute when she's with Robin.

Kid Flash/Jinx- I'm just a sucker for a pairing that turns a bad guy to the good side. Plus, he was just an awesome character.

Beast Boy/Raven- As teenagers, I think they don't make a good couple. It's been hinted that they have latent feelings for each other, but they both are too immature and stubborn to recognize it. Because of this, they both have some growing up to do, as well as deal with their remaining issues. Beast Boy needs to come to terms with his guilt over his parents' death and realize that he's using humor as a mask, and while Raven has opened up and gotten better since Trigon's defeat, she still has to realize that her destiny is now her own. So not as teenagers, but they could definitely make it work as adults. To my understanding, that's what they did in the comics.

Beast Boy/Terra- I liked them when I first saw them together. I thought they had a nice, normal teenage relationship for the short time, and at that time in their lives, they needed normality and stability. But long term, I'm not sure it would have worked. Not for any major reasons; I just don't see them as right for each other. Besides, if Terra truly was the schoolgirl in the last episode, then she chose an average life over being with him, which indicates that her feelings for him weren't enough to overcome her aversion to returning to hero work. She must have felt that creating a new life was worth more than what a life with Beast Boy could offer her.

Cyborg/Bumblebee- Sure, why not? I just wish they would've put in a few more moments between the two, then I might be more on board with this.

The Tudors:

Henry VIII/Anne Boleyn- Anne is one of my favorite historical people, and I don't like her tragic end. Henry was a jerk, but I think Anne could have made him happy in the long run. I really don’t like him with any of his wives, simply because I'm not sure he deserves them, but Anne seems like the only one who's got a shot. Their passion was amazing, and I love AUs where she doesn't die.

Katherine of Aragon/Prince Arthur- I blame Boleyn Girl13 for this one, along with Philippa Gregory’s book The Constant Princess. I think Arthur would have been a better husband and king than Henry, and he and Katherine would have been happier together.

Henry VIII/Katherine of Aragon- I feel sorry for Katherine, and I admire her strength and love for her daughter. I like stories where Katherine's son survives, but I like for Anne Boleyn to get a happy ending as well.

Princess Mary/Philip of Baravia- They were so cute, and Philip seemed like a genuinely nice guy. I think they could have grown to love each other so much more if they had just been given the chance.

Kitty Howard/Thomas Culpeper- I feel bad for Kitty. She shouldn't have fooled around when she was married, but beheading her? Really, Henry? That's to say, I don’t like Thomas as a person (watch season 4, episode 1 to see what I mean), but Kitty deserves to be happy, and I guess if that's who she picked…

And now, the rest of them, for which I don't feel like typing up an explanation:

Avatar: The Last Airbender: Aang/Katara, Sokka/Suki, Zuko/Mai
Avengers: Thor/Jane, Tony/Steve, Tony/Pepper, Steve/Peggy, Loki/Darcy, Clint/Natasha, Bruce/Betty
Criminal Minds: Hotch/Prentiss, Hotch/Haley, Kevin/Garcia, Morgan/Garcia, Morgan/Reid, Reid/Lila, Reid/JJ, Will/JJ
Doctor Who: Amy/Rory, Eleven/River, Ten/Rose, Nine/Rose, Nine/Rose/Jack, Mickey/Martha
Helix: Sergio/Anana, Sarah/Jules
Hobbit: Thorin/Bilbo, Kili/Tauriel, Dwalin/Ori, Fili/Sigrid, Bard/Thranduil
Hunger Games: Peeta/Katniss, Finnick/Annie, Gale/Madge, Gale/Johanna
Inheritance Cycle: Eragon/Arya, Murtagh/Nasuada, Firnen/Saphira, Roran/Katrina, Brom/Selena
Lord of the Rings: Aragorn/Arwen, Faramir/Eowyn, Sam/Rosie, Eomer/Lothiriel, Legolas/Gimli
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Percy/Annabeth, Grover/Juniper, Chris/Clarisse, Charles/Silena, Luke/Thalia, Poseidon/Sally, Paul/Sally
Scrubs: J.D./Elliot, Turk/Carla, Dr. Cox/Jordan, Janitor/Lady, Sean/Kim, Sam/Isabella, Drew/Denise, Cole/Lucy
Sisters Grimm: Puck/Sabrina, Charming/Snow White, Henry/Veronica, Jake/Briar Rose
Stardust: Tristan/Yvaine, Dunstan/Una
Star Trek: Kirk/Spock, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Chekov, Bones/Carol
Star Wars: Anakin/Padme, Luke/Mara, Han/Leia, Jacen/Tenel Ka, Jag/Jaina, Anakin Jr./Tahiri, Obi-Wan/Anakin, Obi-Wan/Anakin/Padme
Teen Wolf: Derek/Stiles, Scott/Allison, Erica/Boyd, Allison/Lydia, Scott/Kira, Lydia/Jackson, Scott/Isaac, Sheriff Stilinski/Melissa McCall, Lydia/Aidan, Danny/Ethan
Terminator: Kyle/Sarah, John/Kate, Marcus/Blair
Vampire Knight: Kaname/Yuki, Haruka/Juri, Shiki/Rima, Shiki/Ichijo, Ichijo/Sara, Kain/Ruka

Fics I will never read:

Stories where beloved characters are taken and completely twisted out of character: This includes when parents are abusive, or when friends are portrayed as shallow, brainless twits who only care about themselves.

When you deviate from the universe in an extreme way: Like in Harry Potter where the type of wizards they are is completely changed. I can handle OOC to a degree, but not technical changes.

When the summary has a lot of errors in it: That includes text talk, spelling characters' names wrong, and summaries that sound ridiculous. Most people judge by first sight whether or not they want to read it, and if it doesn't seem good, it probably isn't.

Mary Sues: Go look them up. Search 'Mary Sue litmus test'. Put all your OCs through the test. Don't fudge your answers.

Someone from our world gets thrown into the universe: There are so many things wrong with them, I'm not even going to try and explain it.

Rape of ANYBODY: Really, it's usually an excuse for the victim to suffer emotional angst, and add some drama to the story. Rape is not something to be taken lightly, people.

Falling for the bully: Seriously, think about the last person who was mean to you and called you names and teased you. Would you really be able to view them in a romantic light? Bickering childhood enemies is one thing, but picking on someone until they are reduced to tears is another. I know that the idea of "They have a really bad home life, that's why they're acting this way!" is popular, and indeed is true in several real life cases. However, just think about how many people have likely fallen for the person who used to humiliate them in grade school. I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I'm just saying it's hard to develop affection for someone who routinely disregarded your feelings and made you feel like you weren't worth anything.

Quotes: (I have hardly any serious ones on here; I've found they're all a bit repetitive. Instead, these are somewhat funny.)

RANDOM QUOTES:

-"I AM NOT EMOTIONAL, DAMN IT!!!" -Le Fantome Victorien, near tears when I called her emotional

-"what happened to zuko? DID HE FIND HIS MOMMY" -Le Fantome Victorien, IMing me about The Legend of Korra

-"I sometimes forget that Iowa is a state." -Le Fantome Victorien

-"It is all alcohol!" -my sister looking in the grocery bag that my mom brought home

-"The beatings will continue until morale improves." -some random icon

-"You know, maybe I'll just write another one." -J.K. Rowling at the Deathly Hallows part 2 premiere

-"We stopped checking for monsters under our bed when we realized they were inside us." -???

-"You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned--the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and the Pythagorean theorem. You especially forget everything you never really learned, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you'll forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations--even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else." -Gabrielle Zevin

-"Love is something like the clouds that were in the sky before the sun came out. You cannot touch the clouds, you know; but you feel the rain and know how glad the flowers and the thirsty earth are to have it after a hot day. You cannot touch love either; but you feel the sweetness that it pours into everything. Without love you would not be happy or want to play." -Anne Sullivan, explaining love to Helen Keller

-"Few question the fact that Anne Boleyn was innocent of the charges for which she forfeited her head. But neither her bloodline nor her spirit perished on Tower Hill, for she left behind a daughter who would become England's most venerated queen, and perhaps the greatest female monarch the world has ever known: Queen Elizabeth I." -Notorious Royal Marriages, by Leslie Carroll

-"All right, I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand, Constant Reader, and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there, because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you that I'm not entirely sure of." -Stephen King's afterword, Full Dark, No Stars

-"De profundis clamo ad te, Domine." [From the depths I cry to Thee, O Lord.] -Vincent Grey, The Sixth Sense

-"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart." - Robert Sexton

-"You don't understand how hard it is, alright? I'm tormented every day at-at school, it's like I'm being suffocated, and sure, we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are gonna be different one day, but this is today, and it sucks, alright? And there's only one way around it, and you were smart enough to think of it, so please, just help me. Cause I can't take another day of this, I don't know what I'll do." -Brandon, on being bullied for his homosexuality, Easy A

-"TV teaches us that any time a man and a woman are in some sort of relationship with any sort of spark to it, that man and that woman will inevitably begin sleeping together, and I think that's what the Sheldon/Penny shippers are responding to, but The Big Bang Theory is showing us that that doesn't necessary have to be the case." -Todd WanDerVeff of The A.V. Club

-"That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to understand. Of house-elves and children's tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing." -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

-"The people that are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off — how can I?" -Bob Marley, quoted by Will Smith in I Am Legend

-"A lion's work hours are only when he's hungry; once he's satisfied, the predator and prey live peacefully together." -Chuck Jones

-"We are more than the worst thing that’s ever happened to us. All of us need to stop apologizing for having been to hell and come back breathing." -Clementine von Radics

-"Those who escape hell however never talk about it and nothing much bothers them after that." -Charles Bukowski

-"My ambition is handicapped by laziness." -Charles Bukowski

-"Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere and secretions spit out of every gland and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly, and it’s messy, and if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun… the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?" -Allison Cameron, House

-"Loki is my brother!" -Thor
-"He killed 80 people in two days." -Natasha Romanoff
-"...He's adopted." -Thor, The Avengers

-"I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese." -Alan Garner, The Hangover

-"Counting cards isn't illegal - it's frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane." -Alan Garner, The Hangover

-"Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you." -Sid Garner, The Hangover

-"Hell, I wasn't even gonna call you out here but Binky insisted." -Hank, referring to Lassiter
-"Binky?" -Gus
-"Oh. You don't call him Binky?" -Hank
-"We do now!" Shawn, Psych

-"Aren't postal workers the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?" -George Costanza
-"Sometimes..." -Newman
-"Why is that?" -George Costanza
-"Because the mail never stops! It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up! It's relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!" -Newman, Seinfeld

-"The son of my hated rival, trapped forever in a river of death. Is there a downside to this?" -Hades, Hercules

-"Look! He's waving at me with his tail!" -Eugene, about his pet fish
-"It's called swimming, Doctor Cousteau." -Helga, Hey Arnold!

-"The last time I was late for my therapy group, the compulsive gamblers were betting the passive-aggressives that they couldn't make the over-eaters cry." -Niles Crane, Frasier

-"I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags." -Niles Crane, Frasier

-"There was a time in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a Popsicle." -Frasier, to a girl he knew in high school, Frasier

-"I'm not afraid of her." -Frasier
-"But everybody is. Have you forgotten the family legend that says when Hitler invaded Greece, she joined the Partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?" -Niles
-"I don't believe that. She would have to have been five years old at the time." -Frasier
-"Well, that's why the legend says they were strangled with jump ropes!" -Niles, about their aunt, Frasier

-"I'm staying under here. All I have to deal with here is a few dust bunnies... some cobwebs... something that looks like a nest; dear God, doesn't your vacuum have attachments?" -Niles Crane, sitting under Frasier's piano to get away from real life, Frasier

-"Nineteen floors down to my car. Garage door's electric. Can't open. Twenty floors back up. Lost count. Bad lady upstairs. Big dog. Need place to die!" -Niles out of breath after the elevator stops working, Frasier

-"You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity." -Shrek to Donkey, after they get arrested

-"So you're suggesting we use fake I.D.'s to sneak into a nightclub posing as Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakatori." -Josh Nichols, reading the names on the fake I.D.'s Drake got them, Drake & Josh

-"I do not control the speed at which lobsters die!" -Josh, to his family who are impatient for dinner, Drake & Josh

-"I'm moving to Africa." -Drake
-"What? Why?" -his girlfriend
-"It's part of this European foreign exchange program." -Drake
-"But Africa's not in Europe." -his girlfriend
-"Well, it's like a three-way trade. I go to Africa, they send someone to Holland, my parents get a little Dutch boy. His name is Hansel." -Drake, Drake & Josh

-"All right! Give me the money!" -SpongeBob trying to rob a bank
-"Will that be from your savings or your checking account?" -the cashier, SpongeBob SquarePants

-"Please critique my work! I wish to learn at the feet of a master!" -SpongeBob
-"Now that's the way to grovel!" -Jim, the former fry cook, SpongeBob SquarePants

-"Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet." -SpongeBob, SpongeBob Squarepants

-"Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18"? Even a 17 year old can figure it out." -Dr. Gregory House, House M.D.

-"I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something." -Willie
-"You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin' years of therapy." -Marcus, Bad Santa

-"I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world." -Tugg Speedman, after killing a panda
-"A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here's what you're gonna do. Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide, and a shitload of lime." -Rick Peck, Tropic Thunder

-"I suffer from aviophobia. It means fear of dying in something that flies!" -McCoy, Star Trek 2009

-"My husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman." -Peggy
-"Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded." -a foreigner
-"Our countries are very much alike." -Peggy, Married... with Children

-"Am I not fit to die?!" -Al Bundy, Married... with Children

-"It was my idea; we should name it after me!" -Kelly, about her new business
-"But there's already a place called 'In and Out'." -Bud, her brother, Married... with Children

-"We gotta switch him back." -Woody, after Buzz gets switched to Spanish mode
-"What's the manual say?" -Slinky
-"I don't know, that part's in Spanish!" -Ham, Toy Story 3

-"Open the hood of her car. Find the distributor cap. Below that is the master cylinder. Under that is the brake line. Cut that. Next thing you know, she's doing 75 on the freeway, not a care in the world, and BAM!" -Linda giving her boss advice on how to get back at someone, Becker

-"Why do you have this?" -Ned, when Gordy puts him in a giant hamster ball
-"I used to have a hamster." -Gordy
-"This big?" -Ned
-"Yeah. Now, whatever you do, don't get caught in the sunlight. It gets really hot in there, which is kinda how I lost the hamster." -Gordy, Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

-"What year did the bible come out?" -a kid in my class

-"Time out, Rodrick, I have to pee." -Greg, hiding in his room from his brother
-"No time outs. Only death!" -Rodrick, Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie

-"The show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, a.k.a. I Forgot What I Did Last Summer." -Joel McHale, The Soup

-"Also, Katy Perry has clarified her song I Kissed A Girl is about Nick Jonas." -Joel McHale, The Soup

-"The oil started leaking again this week; that's right, Jersey Shore is back!" -Joel McHale, The Soup

-"Things you can say to your dog but not your girlfriend." -Drew Carey
-"What did you just do? What did you just do?! Am I gonna have to rub your nose in that?" -Ryan Stiles
-"Come!" -Colin Mochrie
-"I'm gonna give you a bath and then a nice bone." -Ryan
-"Grab the ball!" -Wayne Brady
-"Get off the mailman!" -Ryan, Whose Line Is It Anyway?

-"Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one American will always disagree with the other nine." -Colin Mochrie, Whose Line Is It Anyway?

-"Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If He had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that He died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, You look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how He was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever You say, bro..." And He's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when He invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait... True story." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

-"You are sad. You are beaten down. You will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants, and take a nap." -Marshall's pep talk to himself before his job interview, How I Met Your Mother

-"Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air." -Robin to her house guests, How I Met Your Mother

-"What happened to that girl you were grinding with?" -Ted
-"That was my cousin Leslie!" -Barney
-"What!?" -Ted
-"No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like 'remember that time when you were grinding with--' No. And do you know why? Because italics, this night did not happen." -Barney at a nightclub, How I Met Your Mother

-"Lily fights dirty. She's small but vicious, like a badger that your brothers caught and starved for five days and then put in your sleeping bag." -Marshall, about his wife, How I Met Your Mother

-"Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's circus tent of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic." -Ted, to Marshall when Barney gives him advice, How I Met Your Mother

-"Bright side: the lake in your basement is drowning some of the larger, slower rats. The rest of them, though... they're headed this way..." -the health inspector after Ted buys a rundown house, How I Met Your Mother

-"You can't fight if you're not there. That's what Gandhi taught us." -Barney
-"Boy, that's not true." -Ted
-"It's like Gandhi said: Smiles don't cost nothing, sugar." -Barney
-"I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is..." -Ted, How I Met Your Mother

-"I'm playing "$500 if you can find me" with Puddle. It's like a more incentivized version of hide and seek. I made it up when I was a kid." -Steve
-"Oh, that explains the low prize amount." -Fa'ad
-"The other twist is that you don't tell your opponent that you're actually playing, so they have to figure that out, too." -Steve
-"I'd like to play that game with you." -Fa'ad
-"Oh, you have. Many times. You're horrible at it." -Steve, Running Wilde

-"I'm never gonna stop needing you. No, the last thing you'll see on this earth is my tear-stained face as I shovel dirt onto yours." -Steve
-"I'm going to see this?" -Mr. Lunt, Running Wilde

-"That's the clock. Never look at the clock. The clock is your enemy. Working-in-a-grocery-store time moves about one-third the speed of not-working-in-a-grocery-store time." -Sabrina teaching Jimmy the ropes of working at a grocery store, Raising Hope

-"So, tell me momma, why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?" -Bruce
-"Well, man from Health Department say he find rat pellet in our pastry. But I say: No! Is big chocolate sprinkle! But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back." -Mrs. Kowalski
-"Oh, I admire your candor. Let’s try that again, shall we? So, tell me momma. Why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?" -Bruce
-"...So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?" -Mrs. Kowalski
-"That’s right. It must be wonderful to see the smiles on their little faces." -Bruce
-"...I work in back, I see no smiles." -Mr. Kowalski, Bruce Almighty

-"I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off? " -Bruce interviewing an elderly woman, Bruce Almighty

-"Mr. Cotton: do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!" -Jack Sparrow
-"He's a mute, sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the parrot to talk for him... no one's yet figured how." -Mr. Gibbs
-"Mr. Cotton's... parrot. Same question." -Jack Sparrow
-"Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!" -Mr. Cotton's parrot
-"Mostly, we figure that means "yes."" -Mr. Gibbs, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

-"I don't think I can go, Frank. Last time, they put some electrical wires in some not very nice places..." -Marvin Boggs, in front of the Russian Embassy, Red

-"Okay, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?" -Dewey Finn
-"Doesn't that mean you're drunk?" -a fourth-grade kid
-"No. It means I was drunk yesterday." -Dewey Finn, The School of Rock

-"I know a guy out in the desert who makes problems go away. We'll need a car with a clean registration and a shovel. We're gonna have to go off the grid for a while, cross over into Mexico and dye our hair." -Barb
-"No, forget it! I'm not dyeing my hair!" -Christine, The New Adventures of Old Christine

-"I don't get cavities because I brush my teeth twelve times a day and I floss every ninety minutes." -Adrian Monk, Monk

-"I don't believe in the Devil." -Angela Dodson
-"You should. He believes in you." -John Constantine, Constantine

-"Which exit do I take?" -Mr. Incredible, driving towards a robot destroying the city
-"Traction Avenue." -Elastigirl
-"That'll take me downtown. I take Seventh, don't I?" -Mr. Incredible
-"Don't take Seventh!" -Elastigirl
-"Great, we missed it!" -Mr. Incredible
-"You asked me how to get there and I told you. Exit at Traction!" -Elastigirl
-"That'll take me downtown!" -Mr. Incredible
-"It's coming up, get in the right lane! Signal!" -Elastigirl
-"We don't exit at Traction!" -Mr. Incredible, The Incredibles

-"If vampires can date humans, then I really think that deaf people can date hearing. At least neither one of us wants to drink each other's blood." -Bay, on her relationship with Emmett, Switched at Birth

-"It's a bunch of rich people getting dressed up and forcing other rich people to give money to a school that's already rich." -Bay Kennish, about her school's fundraiser, Switched at Birth

-"I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?" -Willow Rosenburg
-"We're all a little old to be spelling things out." -Rupert Giles
-"A bitca?" -Xander Harris, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

THE SIMPSONS QUOTES

-"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do." Homer Simpson

-"No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one... two." -Police Chief Wiggum

-"I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower!" Marge Simpson, to Homer

-"So, what'll it be, Homer?" -Moe
-"Moe! Gimme a beer!" -Homer
-"No. Not unless you kill your family." -Moe
-"Why should I kill my family?" -Homer
-"Uh... They'd be much happier as ghosts." -Moe
-"You don't look so happy." -Homer
-"Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! Lalalalala, see? Now raze your family, and I'll give you a beer." -Moe, in a parody of The Shining

-"You've got the shinning!" -Groundskeeper Willie
-"You mean shining." -Bart
-"Shh! You wanna get sued?" -Groundskeeper Willie

-"Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again." -Marge, to Bart

"Honey, you should listen to your heart... and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn..." -Marge, to Bart

-"Only in America could I get a job!" -Homer

-"Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog... Well, replace the word 'kinda' with 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son.'" -Lionel Hutz about Judge Snyder

-"This one's a little gay, don't you think?" -Bart
-"Well, the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay." -a tuxedo salesman
-"Dude, how'd you check?" -Homer

-"So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler." -Reverend Lovejoy

-"Better stay inside, at least until the squirrels stop melting." -Marge

-"Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered." -Reverend Lovejoy leading a prayer in a parody set in Elizabethan England

-"Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!" -Moe upon seeing Selma

-"Doesn't your father ever read to you?" -Artie Ziff
-"He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him." -Lisa

-"I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?" -Homer

-"Look, the thing about my family is, there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him." -drunk Homer

-"Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot." -Homer
-"I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come." -Apu

-"Okay, so far for Inspirational Women Day, we've had one Princess Anne, fifteen Dianas, two baby Princess Ingrid Alexandras of Norway, and one Princess Leia." -Miss Hoover
-"I'm a Star Wars!" -Ralph Wiggum, dressed as Princess Leia

-"Why is it when I heard the word "school", and the word "exploded", I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?!" -Superintendant Chalmers

-"I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him." -Marge
-"Yeah, and then we'd get the chair." -Homer
-"That's not what I meant." -Marge
-"It was, Marge, admit it." -Homer

-"Bart! This is a matter of life and death! What is the difference between ketchup and catsup? They're gonna cut my head off!" -Homer

SCRUBS QUOTES

-"Ah! My me-time hand!" -J.D. in his head after his hand gets crushed

-"Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?" -Carla
-"I think you mean why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?" -Turk

-"Nice singlet. Does it come in hetero?" -J.D. to Keith, who is wearing a high school wrestlers outfit.

-"I'd make you swear on the Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle." -Dr. Cox, to his ex-wife, Jordan

-"Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?" -Elliot
-"No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns." -Dr. Cox

-"In my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun." -Janitor, showing his girlfriend how crazy he is

-"Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?" -Dr. Maddox, looking in Ted's briefcase
-"Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad..." -Ted
-"Well... see you tomorrow." -Dr. Maddox
-"We'll see..." -Ted

-"You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet shop." -Dr. Cox
-"Oh, actually that's my fault. I filled his hair spray can with dog sweat." -The Janitor
-"Dogs don't sweat." -Dr. Cox
-"No? Then what the hell have I been putting in there?" -Janitor

-"Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!" -The Todd

-"Work. I hate you. You suck." -Dr. Cox
-"I know, but I've been trying harder—" -Elliot
-"Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem." -Dr. Cox

-"Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?" -J.D.
-"A concussion." -Laverne

-"I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!" -Dr. Cox

-"I do have three questions, though. Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love, who's going to tell my mom, and what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!?" -J.D., when Dr. Cox names Elliot Chief Resident over him
-"Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too." -Dr. Cox
-"Uh, what now?" -J.D.
-"Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle." -Dr. Cox

-"What are you thinking, Ted?" -Dr. Kelso
-"I could jam this knife through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me... The usual, sir." -Ted

-"I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, 'Hmm, is he the dad, is he the granddad, is he the granddad's granddad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is—is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD.'" -Dr. Cox, worrying about his age

-"If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork." -Denise Mahoney greeting the new med students

-"Laverne, if I backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the most annoying patient in the world, what do you think your boy Jesus would do?" -Dr. Cox
-"Your wife is on the phone." -Laverne
-"He is not a merciful God, is he?" -Dr. Cox

-"Why do you always have to jump out and scare me all the time?" -J.D.
-"I do not jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half worth of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you. Like an animal." -The Janitor
-"You're kidding, right?" -J.D.
-"Ha. I don't know. Am I?" -Janitor

-"If you piss her off, she'll turn on you, and I do not need her digging up the skeletons in my closet. Although, technically, they won't be skeletons for 6 to 8 weeks, right now they're just dead badgers." -Janitor, referring to Carla

-"Sometime, to make Perry feel inadequate, I fake not having orgasms." -Jordan

-"Who am I?" -Johnny the Tackling Alzheimer's Patient, as he tackles various people

-"What's a Buckland?" -Ted
-"It's a predominantly hairless growth that's never found on women." -Dr. Cox
-"Weird." -Ted
-"It's your last name, Ted." -Dr. Cox

-"You're afraid of hot air balloons, aren't you?" -Elliot
-"It's floating wicker propelled by fire!" -J.D.

-"I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx." -Dr. Cox, complaining about his wife

-"We're married now; so start believing what I tell you to believe!" -Carla, to Turk

-"Why were you hitting me?" -J.D., after he hides in a body bag and Doug beats him with a fire extinguisher
-"I thought you were a dead guy come back to life!" -Doug
-"But why were you hitting me?" -J.D.
-"Dead people should be dead." -Doug

-"A drunk clown hurt me once." -J.D.

-"I'd kill for a cigar. You know, I'm dying and I'm not allowed to have a cigar. What do the nurses think is gonna happen?" -a terminal patient
-"They're probably thinking you could accidentally ignite that oxygen tank and it would blow up the whole ICU, pretty much killing everyone here." -J.D.

-"I'm about to use the toilet right now, so I hope you all are happy with the order that you're standing in, because if you follow me in there, that is the order that I am going to kill you!" -Hooch, when four interns follow him around in a single file line

-"I've predicted a couple of things over the years. The kitchen fire of '97, the kitchen fire of '98, the arson conviction of Luis the fry cook and of course the eventual termination of the hospital's "Convicts to Cooks" program." -Janitor

FIREFLY QUOTES

-"If they board the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order." -Zoe Washburne, about Reavers

-"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems." -River Tam

-"Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there." -Zoe Washburne

-"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater." -Derrial Book, to Mal

-"Yes, I have a system. You make an assumption because you have a system. You're system--you're symptamatic. It's chronic. You think it's benign, but it has to be cut out. The s-system is simple. The blanket folded, that's the sheet pulled taught, the mattress... the mattress can't be trusted, it has to be gutted. I looked under twenty and found a pea and you wonder why I'm not sleeping?! Are you worried that I cut up my mattress for no reason or that I had a perfectly good reason that you can't see? ...Can't... see anyone. Even the orderlies wear masks." -River Tam, in the R. Tam sessions

-"He plays hide-and-seek with me." -River
-"Doctor Mathias?" -The Interviewer
-"My brother. He's a doctor. He thinks he can find me, but... I'm deep down. And I do not make... a sound." -River, in the R. Tam sessions

-"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here!" -Jayne Cobb

-"He was crowdin' me, and I don't know him. I hit people that crowd me I don't know." -Jayne Cobb

-"As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back." -Inara Serra, watching Jayne play pool

-"We are not gonna die. You know why? Because we are so... very... pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw!" -Malcolm Reynolds, to a soldier during battle

-"Not as deceiving as a low-down... dirty... deceiver." -Jayne
-"Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?" -Mal
-"Had a kind 'o poetry to it, sir." -Zoe

-"There's no pattern to the pebbles here. They're completely random. I tried to count them but you drove too fast. Hummingbird." -River

-"I've given Jayne here the job of finding out." -Mal, about getting information out of a traitor
-"He was nonspecific as to how." -Jayne, pulling out a knife
-"Now you're only gonna scare him." -Mal to Jayne
-"Pain is scary!" -Jayne

-"Here's an idea I've been working on--why don't we shoot her first?" -Jayne, about to meet with a woman who shot Mal years ago
-"It is her turn." -Wash

-"They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are." -River, after transporting cattle
-"Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?" -Mal

-"Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled." -Wash

-"I think they captured him, though. Captured his essence." -Wash, staring at a statue of Jayne
-"He looks sorta angry, don't he?" -Kaylee
-"That's kinda what I meant." -Wash

-"Yes... yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over this land, and we will call it... this land." "I think we should call it... your grave!" "Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!" "Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!" "Oh no, God, oh dear God in heaven..." -Wash playing with two toy dinosaurs

-"Course, you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I got my hands on a couple... Of invites!" -Badger, talking about an elite party

-"I love the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. Shut up! One of you is gonna fall and die, and I'm not cleaning it up." -Mal, when Kaylee and River chase each other around the ship

-"You know, people watch Firefly and they think, "Boy, you guys must have a lot of fun there. You must have a great time; the hijinks that ensue." Well, the truth is, there are no hijinks. We're absolutely serious, we're very professional, and we never ever make mistakes... How do I turn this fucking thing off?" -Nathan Fillion, holding a camera for one of the bonus features

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE QUOTES:

-"Leave the squirrel alone and get the fire extinguisher! Reese, NO!" -Malcolm
-"Blood tastes funny." -Dewey

-"Don't put it out with MORE fire, you moron!" -Malcolm

-"I don't care if it's only 'a little poisonous,' get rid of it" -Hal, yelling to his sons

-"Which one of us do you think he wants?" -Dewey, when a bully waits outside for one of them
-"Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike that you superglued to the train tracks." -Malcolm
-"We don't know that! You were pretty fast on wheels with that dog-crap slingshot the other day. How do you know you didn't hit him?" -Reese
-"What about you, Dewey? How many people did you convince to buy those 'algebra pills'?" -Malcolm
-"You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!"-Dewey

-"Guys! I just made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! I'm gonna name it... blellow!" -Reese,

-"Do you know what they do to you here on your birthday? They strip you naked, shave every hair off your body, and throw you in the reflector pond!" -Francis, about military school

-"I'm a worm! I belong on the floor with the other worms!" -Commandant Spangler
-"Sir, get up! Sir, please, stop wriggling!" -Francis

-"Art supplies means scissors and paste. These kids eat paste and stab with scissors. Some of them try to eat scissors. This one tried to stab with paste." -The teacher of the emotionally disturbed class explaining to Dewey why the class can't have art supplies

-"Your family changed their last name so that you couldn't track them down!" -Eric
-"I think it started with an O." -Pete

-"Okay, I'll take you, and you, and you, you, you--" -Francis picking girls to come to his party
-"Wait a minute. Isn't this kind of degrading?" -one of the girls
-"Okay, not you." -Francis

-"Did you see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys. It didn't break the first six times. But did he quit trying? No, sir." -Francis to his brothers about one of his friends

-"Okay, I am going to show guys the coolest thing you have ever seen. I'm gonna need some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals; the furrier, the better." -Francis to his brothers

-"Billy, Emily, I don't want you playing with these awful children anymore!" -a new neighbor
-"My children are not- well, maybe they are awful, but they're a hell of a lot better than your two brats!" -Lois

-"We're going to fire tranquilizer darts at the tigers." -A zoo keeper, when Malcolm and Dewey get trapped in the tiger cage
-"How long do those take to work?" -Malcolm
-"Less than two minutes!" -the zoo keeper
-"Just long enough for them to take it out on us?!" -Malcolm

-"You can make money and please children! This is a selfish act! You are evil!" -Reese, when the ice cream man won't sell them ice cream

-"It sounds like the song they sang when they would ride through the villages and throw the babies in the fire!" -Grandma Ida
-"They sang Jingle Bells?" -Francis
-"...They sang something." -Grandma Ida

THE BIG BANG THEORY QUOTES:

-"He is engaging in reductio ad absurdum. It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the results, and I do NOT appreciate it!" -Sheldon Cooper

-"If you'd like, afterward, I can take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself." -Sheldon, to Leonard while teaching him about football

-"It took you four YEARS to get through High School?" -Sheldon, to Penny

-"Why are you crying?" -Sheldon
-"Because I'm stupid." -Penny
-"Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad." -Sheldon

-"Today, we tried masturbating for money." -Sheldon Cooper, referring to their attempt to donate sperm

-"Yet another child left behind." -Sheldon, about Penny's ex-boyfriend

-"When I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house." Sheldon
-"Chickens can't climb trees." Rajesh
-"Yeah, thank God." -Sheldon

-"Your check-engine-light is on." Sheldon
-"Maybe there's something wrong with the light." -Penny
-"Is there a check-the-check-engine-light-light?" -Sheldon

-"I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, 'If it pleases your Highness'?" -Mary Cooper, to her son, Sheldon

-"I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed. He told everyone he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town, well, only problem was, he had no, watcha call, fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the Internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down, real gentle, and told him it's against the law to have yellow cake uranium in a shed. Well, poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray. Well, that's what he called it. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end, though." -Mary Cooper, about Sheldon

-"Now, you listen here, I have been tellin' you since you were four years old; it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointin' it out." -Mary Cooper, to her son Sheldon
-"Why not?" -Sheldon
-"Because people don't like it! Remember all those ass-kickings you got from the neighbor kids?" -Mary
-"There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked." -Sheldon

-"Now, we all know the plan?" -Leonard, about to confront Penny's ex-boyfriend
-"Yes. Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?" -Howard

-"There's a tribe in Papua, New Guinea, where, if a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made out of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point." -Sheldon, to a conceited Raj

-"Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid? And I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests that the coffee table is having a mini garage sale." -Sheldon, complaining about Penny's messy apartment

-"Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It's very simple. Look -- scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors." -Sheldon
-"...okay. I think I got it." -Rajesh

-"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended." -Sheldon

-"Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad." -Sheldon on Valium

-"Hello? I know you're out there; I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide." -Sheldon giving a speech while drunk

-"Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you." -Leonard's advice to Howard on how to win his girlfriend back

-"Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy." -the mailman, when Sheldon changes the number on the outside of the building to hide from a girl

-"I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder." -Sheldon

-"According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the front desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury." -Sheldon filling out forms in the hospital waiting room
-"I dislocated my shoulder." -Penny
-"All right. And how did the accident occur?" -Sheldon
-"You already know that." -Penny
-"Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?" -Sheldon
-"No." -Penny
-"Kidney disease?" -Sheldon
-"No." -Penny
-"Migraines?" -Sheldon
-"Getting one." -Penny
-"Are you currently pregnant?" -Sheldon
-"No." -Penny
-"Are you sure? You look a bit puffy." -Sheldon
-"Change migraine to yes." -Penny
-"When was your last menstrual period?" -Sheldon
-"Oh, next question!" -Penny
-"I'll put in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders. List all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etc." -Sheldon
-"Oh, my God, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?!?!" -Penny
-"Episodes of sub-psychotic rage." -Sheldon
-"Ass." -Penny
-"Possible Tourettes." -Sheldon

-"I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter." -Sheldon
-"What happened?" -Stephanie Barnett
-"Radiation burns. A little mishap when I was building my own CAT scanner." -Sheldon
-"You tried to build your own CAT scanner?" -Stephanie
-"Oh, I didn't try; I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner." -Sheldon

TWO AND A HALF MEN QUOTES:

-"Don't screw with me right now, I only got, like, 9 hours of sleep last night." -Charlie Harper

-"I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each others' plates and discussing my fear of intimacy." -Charlie

-"Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?" -Evelyn Harper, to her son, Charlie

-"What am I doing with Alan's phone? Why, do you want custody of that, too?" pause "Oh, come on, that's funny!" pause "I don't know, maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. Why don't you try calling him on mine? 310-LICK-ME." pause "Hey, I didn't pick it, but that's what it spells!" -Charlie, talking to his brother's ex-wife

-"The man has the emotional stability of a bag of rats in a burning meth lab." -Evelyn, about her latest boyfriend

-"Garden shed. Shovel. Bag of lime." Evelyn to her sons about how they should deal with her psychotic boyfriend

-"What's the matter? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?" -Berta, to Alan

-"This is not a Christmas party! This is the beginning of a news story that will end with the phrase, 'He then turned the gun on himself.'" -Charlie, to his house full of intruding friends on Christmas Eve

-"Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!" -Charlie at Christmastime

-"I just have to accept the fact that I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his naval and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two." -Alan Harper, about his brother, Charlie

-"When Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl. For a while there, he had to stand on his head to take a leak." -Berta, about Charlie

-"I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart in my foot." -Charlie

-"I would rather get a maple syrup enema then sit on an anthill." -Charlie, when asked if he would like to go on a road trip with Alan

-"Last summer, he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub." -Alan, about Jake

-"Don't be mean to your mother." -Charlie
-"You're mean to your mother!" -Jake
"My mother can take it! In fact, she feeds on it." -Charlie

-"Your body is sending you a message. It's telling you that alcohol is poison." -Charlie, when Jake gets drunk and throws up
-"If it's poison, why do you drink it?" -Jake
-"Because there are things inside of me I need to kill." -Charlie

-"You know how I feel about direct sunlight." -Evelyn
-"Yeah, and wolfsbane." -Charlie

-"There are no bad ideas; there's only a lack of will to execute them." -Charlie

-"Well, I warned you." -Evelyn
-"You did." -Charlie
-"But did you listen?" -Evelyn
-"No." -Charlie
-"Do you ever listen?" -Evelyn
-"No." -Charlie
-"Are you listening now?" -Evelyn
-"No." -Charlie

-"From the minute they brought him home from the hospital, everything was about the baby! Don't wake the baby, don't tease the baby, don't paint the baby! Then when he grows up, it gets worse. Everything he does, I get blamed for! He wakes up with no hair and one eyebrow, it's my fault! They find him tied to a streetlamp in the middle of Wilshire Boulevard, everyone's looking at Charlie!" -Charlie complaining about Alan

-"Rose? I thought you were in England." -Charlie
-"I was asked to leave. A little misunderstanding at Buckingham Palace." -Rose

-"I did a babysitter once. My mom was furious. Wouldn't drive her home, and absolutely refused to pay her." -Charlie

-"Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two." -Evelyn Harper
-"Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tip off?" -Charlie, her son
-"Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back." -Evelyn
-"Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine." -Charlie

-"From the moment that boy was born, Judith's parents squeezed me out of the picture, and you let them!" -Evelyn, about her grandson Jake
-"Interesting point." -Charlie
-"Excuse me, Mom, but when Jake was born, Judith's mom dropped everything and stayed with us for a month, cooking and cleaning and taking care of him." -Alan, Jake's father
-"Valid counterpoint." -Charlie
-"Exactly. She's a pushy, pushy woman." -Evelyn
-"Personal opinion." -Charlie
-"No, no. You went on a cruise." -Alan
-"But Judith was two days late. And I had non-refundable reservations. Like it would've killed her to get a C-section." -Evelyn
-"Self-obsessed psychotic rant." -Charlie
-"Are you listening to yourself?" -Alan
-"Stupid question." -Charlie
[Alan and Evelyn stare at him]
-"Awkward silence." -Charlie

The 19 Rules for good Riting:
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

A GOOD FRIEND helps you search youtube in order to find out what happened to your pants the night before. A BEST FRIEND has the video already loaded and ready for you to hit play.

I used to have a bunch of copy & pastes here, but I kind of got tired of them. I mean, everyone has the exact same ones. They're not exactly original.